Swine Flu

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The final stages of Swine Flu...
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Swine Flu.

Swine Flu or the Pink Death is a new strain of the flu virus that originated from Canada. Initially reported to come from Mexico, it has now been confirmed that these erroneous accounts were due to blatant anti-Hispanic racism in the media. The swine flu virus has currently spread to everywhere. It is estimated that swine flu has passed through every square inch of the Earth's surface. The UN has taken swift action in the form of ganging up on all the Mexican officials, playing malicious pranks on them, and shutting them outside of UN headquarters for lengthy periods of time. Once again the world hates Mexico. Meanwhile, the World Health Organization's danger-o-meter is currently at Level 6 ("We're Fucked"), and is being monitored nail-bitingly by people in white coats carrying clipboards. This is supposedly the highest it can go, but if the virus mutates into something more dangerous the meter will slip into a secret, unknown realm known only as Level 7, and tear a hole in the space-time continuum.

This particular strain of flu (known officially as 'H666 FLU') is distinctive in that it causes the victim to rise from the dead. As depicted in promotional trailer for the swine flu outbreak, 28 Days Later, the dead will soon roam the Earth with the difference that they will crave pork instead of brains. The Government sincerely doesn't want this to happen, so it advises you to stay indoors, stock up on food, carry a magnifying glass on you at all times, and forget about the recession.

According to one study, only 1% of those who believe they have swine flu actually have swine flu. The remaining 99% are suffering from an unrelated disease: Mass Panicking Syndrome.

A few people have noses that look like mine him you swine. These are the ones who wear masks to avoid being seen.

History[edit]

Piglet - one of the first victims.

Swine Flu was first brought into existence by the Umbrella Corporation as a way of fighting the growing swine huffing tradition in American cities and restoring the tradition of kitten huffing as God intended. The latest string of the Swine Flu virus is the result of a combination between the ordinary Swine Flu that only affects pigs and the so-called T-Virus, a proprietary invention owned by the Umbrella Corporation.

This opinion is that of the capitalist pigs. The true nation of soviet Russia believes that the disease is carried by capitalist pigs traveling throughout the world to spread their capitalist shittiness. The disease was actually created when the pure crap of the capitalist system gave up and died releasing, clouds of deadly swine gas. Why the hell this happened in Mexico, the most shitty and most capitalist of the shitty capitalist nations is unknown. Once again the world hates Mexico.

John Lennon predicted the pandemic of Swine Flu in 1964 in the movie 'A Hard Day's Night' when he accused a cast member of having "a touch of the swine fever". In 1977, John Travolta starred in 'Saturday Night Fever,' a precursor of Swine Flu. Because of this, scientists now believe that playing Lennon's music (along with all other Beatles group and solo work) backwards may reveal a hidden formula for the cure. So far, despite uncovering concrete evidence that Paul McCartney was killed and replaced by a lookalike, there has been no mention of a cure. When suggested that the scientists conducting the research should also include the work of Yoko Ono for any hidden meaning, they replied that a) None of Yoko's music actually has any meaning anyway, and b) They'd rather take their chances against a fatal disease instead, thank you very much.

David Cappella[edit]

David Capella saw his pigs flying to the chemists with crimson wings over Chester last night and went bald with fright! I heard he had fed them too much Red bull energy drink in there water supply and gave them wings on the 4th of July, 2009!

How you can Catch Swine Flu[edit]

The Daily Mail not sensationalising Swine Flu yesterday.
Airborne! The disease can be spread by flying pigs. I bet you didn't know swine flew, did you?
♫ Spider pig, spider pig. If he coughs, we're all dead. LOOK OOOOOUUUUUUUTTT! Here comes the spider pig. ♫
  • Licking a pig (or Turkish urinal).
  • Being in the army cadets
  • Fucking a pig.
  • Huffing a pig.
  • Having erotic dreams with pigs in them.
  • Watching The God Channel.
  • Breathing in.
  • Breathing out.
  • Kissing an American or Canadian.
  • Thinking about Mexico.
  • Getting a DDP.
  • Talking like Speedy Gonzalés for more than 15 minutes.
  • Eating anything at McDonald's.
  • Wrestling a Mexican.
  • Being a Furry (it's believed that Swine Flu will wipe out over 97% of the Furry population).
  • Wearing a sombrero.
  • Being married to a Mexican.
  • Eating Burger Kings new Texican Whopper.
  • Reading this list (you're fucked).
  • Being married to a pig.
  • First name is Zach.
  • Listening to Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez.
  • Having naked showers.
  • Sleeping on the left hand side of the bed.
  • Fapping to large women.
  • Putting pepperoni on your pizza.
  • Eating Taco Bell.
  • Being afraid
  • Being racist.
  • Being Mexican.
  • Blowing a burrito.
  • Believing in its existence.
  • Not believing in its existence.
  • Eating brains.
  • Playing Halo CE with that Mexican guy.
  • Naming your child Louis.
  • Naming your child Jesus
  • Naming your daughter Tatiana.
  • Having a dog named Raven.
  • Having a white laptop (such as a Mac).
  • If you cried the last day of school.
  • Having a mom that speaks with an accent(;
  • Being Tatiana
  • Having a name that begins with B, R, T or an inverted exclamation point.
  • Listening to Taylor Swift,High School Musical, Lady GaGa or The Pussycat Dolls.
  • Wearing a moustache and a sombero and being called shirly
  • Yellow pee
  • Blogging
  • Editing
  • Singing Mexican songs
  • Appritiating Mexican culture
  • Listening to Mexican music
  • Speaking with words that end with o
  • Wearing tightee wightees
  • Tap dancing
  • Being in 739 (Scarborough), or 457 (Farnborough) Squadron Air Cadets
  • Messing with them
  • Not careful with pork products
  • Touch every square inch
  • If you were caught eavesdropping near them
  • If you don't take prescription pills
  • Being near the gay Will Cook...
  • Having brown shit
  • Being Stephan Malone
  • Blowing Miss Reid
  • Making love to a Taco
  • Sodomizing yourself with a taco
  • Making my software turn to hardware :D
  • Touching Pedo Bear
  • Thinking of paedo pig
  • Existing
  • Wanking over George McCarthy's MILF
  • supporting Man Utd
  • First name is adam
  • Voting for Ralph Nader

Symptoms[edit]

DramaticQuestionMark.png
Did you know…
...despite what you may have heard from Yahoo! Answers, you do have swine flu and you are going to die?

The following a list of the symptoms of Swine Flu. If you develop any of these symptoms you must convert to Catholicism and continually conduct corporal mortification until God has deemed you forgiven. Or dead.

  • Loss of (sexual) appetite.
  • You develop a bizarre fetish for swine.
  • You start to resemble Ellen DeGeneres, Jade Goody, Elton John or Roseanne Barr.
  • You start to act like Ellen DeGeneres, Jade Goody, Elton John or Roseanne Barr (or worse, all four!)
  • You start thinking Jerry Seinfeld is a good actor.
  • You start speaking Spanish.
  • The contents of the bin (trash can) suddenly become appealing to you.
  • You begin to believe mud wrestling isn't just for hot women after all.
  • You become familiar with Mexican culture.
  • You become a Atheist and think Canada is a good country.
Lemsip not capitalising on mass paranoia yesterday.

Normally, according to the reliable World Health Organisation, there is approximately 3-4 days between the first sign of swine flu appearing, and any serious illness. According to the Daily Mail, it is 3-4 seconds, and this has led to a large proportion of the British population believing that swine flu acts as such. So if you have swine flu, you will most likely enter the following process before you die, much to the entertainment of any bystanders watching:

  1. Coughing (duration: 3 seconds)
  2. Realising what this could mean (duration: 2 seconds)
  3. Keeling over (duration: 1 second)
  4. Dramatic utterance of last words (duration: 2 seconds)
  5. Death (duration: ∞ seconds)

There are some who have gained immunity from the Swine Flu, like in that one movie with Will Smith and zombies. Just like the movie with Will Smith and zombies, it gets worse. Those who don't suffer from the aforementioned symptoms, yet have still been diagnosed with Swine Flu, suffer a much worse fate, Type 11 Swine Flu, in which their brain goes through a chemical imbalance, destroying itself and transforming the infectee into a half-human, half pig mutant with Jay Leno hair. Those infected with Type 11 Swine Flu should go to Washington State and take advantage of their assisted suicide offer before their legislature changes it, because Type 11 Swine Flu is extremely contagious.

Following are a list of celebrities suspected to have Type 11 Swine Flu. Please contact your representatives to combat this danger.

  • Janet Jackson
  • Oprah Winfrey
  • Chuck Norris (though he handles the infection well)
  • Will Ferrell

Prevention[edit]

This info poster was scrapped early on after its wording and imagery were deemed somewhat inappropriate.

The following are the only known methods to prevent being infected by Swine Flu, as issued by The Who...

  • Play your music really loud, especially if it's a copy of 'Magic Bus', 'My Generation' or 'Endless Wire'.
  • Panic and run around in circles waving your arms screaming "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM SWINE FLU!"
  • Wrap yourself in a protective layer of raw chicken. You might catch bird flu from this, but who's taking chances here?
  • Lock yourself in a nuclear bunker for 7 years.
  • Move to Madagascar while its harbour is still open, as it says in Pandemic 2.
  • Immediately shoot anyone you suspect of having caught the virus, regardless of whether they actually have or not. It is best, after all, to stay on the safe side, plus you can use this excuse to pick off people you don't like.
  • Cover your eyes - swine flu can't see you if you can't see it!
  • Cover your ears and shout "La la la la la..."
  • Stop, drop and roll.
  • Infect yourself with a different kind of flu, thus letting other flu viruses know that your territory has been marked.
  • Kill yourself before swine flu does.
  • Turn off your damn TV.
  • Apply to become a crew member aboard the International Space Station, so you can point and laugh from the safety of outer space as the world below you dies. Remember, in space, viruses can't get you, unless they followed you onto the space station in which case there is no escape from them.
  • Never, ever, ever wash your hands. Your water might be infected.
  • AIDS

If all else fails, cross-breed yourself with a pig, or better yet, force someone else to do it. This will produce offspring born with a biological antidote. As soon as you have extracted the antidote, kill the hybrid animal immediately as it will probably look fuck ugly. Once again the world hates Mexico.

You can also help people around you avoid the disease by suddenly, without warning, dousing them from head to toe in highly corrosive acid. This will burn away any viruses that may have been on their skin beforehand. It will also, unfortunately, burn away a good portion of the skin itself, if not reduce the entire person to a pile of sludge on the floor. However, many scientists agree that the pros to this method outweigh the cons. Also, nobody who has undergone the process has said anything bad about it.



Janet Jackson in advanced stages of the disease.

Possible Advantages[edit]

  • Emo: Swine Flu may be of great use to those who want to commit suicide but don't have the balls to use any original means.
  • Military: training of recruits so that they may understand everyone is the enemy.
  • Pig Buggerers: They could claim that their deviancy is merely a search for a cure.
  • Jews: It may be used as evidence that their ancient, barbaric religion is correct, as opposed to all other ancient, barbaric religions.
  • Muslims: Justify allah prohibition of eating pork & slaying for pigs with their owners.
  • Swine: More swines alive including you, you swine.
  • Everyone: Why live the rest of your life in fear of death when you can catch swine flu and end it now? Or you can drink pig jizz and be cured!

And Finally, A Word From Our Doctor[edit]

As a doctor, I am often asked, "Do I have swine flu?" My answer is always the same - no. In fact, what you have is a sub-type of flu called Bore Flu or Borus Tediossissimus Normalis, to give it its full medical term. This disease occurs when a patient becomes exposed to a newspaper report from say, the Daily Mail or the Daily Express detailing the symptoms of Swine Flu. The patient is quickly overwhelmed by the contagious, disease-ridden propaganda and subsequently becomes a colossal bore by detailing to everyone around them how they have Swine Flu, in a frequent and paranoid fashion, when this is simply not the case.

This may cause intense drowsiness in all whom come into contact with the infected person and in some extreme cases, this can prove terminally dull.

If you think you have Bore Flu, you are advised to stay at home and be quiet - "Nil by Mouth".

See also[edit]