Switzerland
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 The neutrality of this country is disputed |
“ How to make a Switzerland: Crack an egg into a bowl of human urine. Put some sugar in and cook until it boils.”
“ pretty funny, excpet that this wiki was written by a dumb ignorant racist idiot, probably an American b/c only they can be so dumb. this is the freakin nazi flag u say is our u faggot racist idiot!!!”
~ A Pissed Swiss Person
“ You're looking to find some Swiss people, you need to go to only one place. The bank.
”
“ People's hobbies inlcude counting money, first their own and then that of others.
”
~ a Swiss person
“ May complain a lot but then if they didn't that wouldn't make them Swiss right?
”
~ from a real Schweizerin
“When was the last time the Swiss did anything but nothing. Except make knives”
~ Me on being annoyed by the Swiss
“Switzerland? That's like Germany and France mixed together!”
~ Foreigner on Switzerland
“If the Swiss had designed the Alps, they'd be a lot flatter. POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on the Swiss
“Once I've conquered Europe I'll use Berlin's fire brigade to take over Switzerlan...oh, Benito...give it to me!”
~ God's greatest mistake on the Swiss
“Bomb, bomb, bomb... bomb Switzerland!”
~ John McCain on Switzerland
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| Motto: "Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno" - We are the Swiss, if that’s alright with you. | |||||
| Anthem: "God Protect the anonymity of our clients!" | |||||
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| Capital | Zermatt | ||||
| Largest city | Hinterpfupfingen | ||||
| Official languages | Swiss-klingon, French, Italiano, Romanish, Freak-O-German, Chuchichäschtli, Schwitzer-Douche, Money, Latin, Swedish | ||||
| Government | Polysemic 1st Level Cashocracy | ||||
| National Hero(es) | The girl on the Swiss Miss package | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | Yesterday | ||||
| Currency | Alps, Nazi Gold, Cows | ||||
| Religion | Capitalism | ||||
| Population | 7 people ( 3 males, 3 females, and one cow which moos, says meuh and makes chocolate out of its udders.) | ||||
SSwitzerland (not to be mistaken with SSwaziland), (French: L'SSwitzerland), also known as Neutralland, is a mountainous region created in the early 13th century, in order to contain the gold and chocolate bars. From this point on, the insatiable Swiss desire for idyll building (idyllification) led to the creation of a nation remarkable for its efficient transport networks, orderly villages, and almost unremitting dullness.
Originally known as swiss roll land its national Swiss guard, dressed in the national colours of sponge yellow and plum jam purple attempted to annex Arctic Roll land in the seventeenth century. They were of course kept at bay by the noble efforts of Captain Scott and a large pot of chocolate sauce.
Originally, Switzerland is located south of Germany, bordering France, Italy, Australia and Liechtenstein. Switzerland annexed Czechia in 1990 because the country got too cramped and stuff is cheaper in eastern Europe, although most Swiss are known to have billions of dollars in the bank. But still, you can't beat a jar of RøøľЖmööps for 2.34 Alps. "Swiss" is also known to contain all the culture that most people attribute to France.
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[edit] The Creation Of Switzerland
In the beginning of time, about 20000 AD, Switzerland was a small moon orbiting the earth, populated entirely by cows, sheeps and shepherd dogs, it is now thought to be where those creatures came from in the first place.
The alpine construction project (ACP), one of the largest civil engineering feats in modern history, took only 2 years to complete. Exactly how the project was completed so rapidly remains shrouded in mystery. Historians do agree, however, that there is strong evidence that either God, MC Hammer, or a Lima-Beans construction branch were involved, if not all three. The Smurfs could also have been used. A recent archaeological dig of the area found only the skulls of Dan Brown's family. The Alps are one of the few man-made structures that can be seen from space. According to one famous historian called Franz Hohler, the alpine construction project actually took place in the Netherlands, while the swiss were really busy farming tulips. But since Switzerland did have ski lifts, which are useless in flat country, and the dutchmen always tended to slip with their wooden clogs on the alps, Switzerland and the Netherlands decided to trade the flat country, with the tulips, against the alps.
The internal organisation of Switzerland is complex to the unknowing eye. This is because it is complex to the knowing eye as well. The country is composed of cantons who decided to unite on June 23, AD1336, its citizens becoming the first of the Cantonese (who were later to migrate to China). The first four took a Rütli oath. This is not to be confused with a sneeze, as it is closer to an expectoration, and means "Oath that shall not be broken" - hence the reputation of Switzerland as a producer of quality goods that are seldom broken. The other cantons joined as they came along. Some of them were created by Napoleon, even though the Swiss are ready to go to great lengths to explain the contrary, such as the cantons where formed via a needlessly elaborate battle of the fates, or as it is called locally ‘an international audit’.
[edit] Swiss Politics
Swiss culture revolves around the creation of Banks, Watches, Knives, Submarines, Eating Chocolate and the best weed in Europe just being freakin' Swiss. Duh. They then gather once a year, in Zürich, and race these items around a 15 kilometre track. The winners of this race determine, amongst other things, the following year’s production quotas for these items.
However though, during most political struggles, they mostly decide to do what the Swiss do best: Sit back and do nothing, yet clean up the mess (but make a huge profit in doing so).
They also run a minor ice hockey league, which imports mostly Canadian talent to do its evil bidding (such as being a kingmaker of Sweden by dethroning the rightful heirs to the hockey throne).
The Swiss purport to speak French, German and Italian, Latin and Money, although German, Italian and French all point out they can not speak any of those properly (except for money). Some claim to speak Romansh too, but they are widely believed to be drunk, or stoned.
The Swiss are extremely proud of their political system, which they claim has not changed since its creation, in 1291. In most countries this would render it to be called obsolete, however the Swiss value their political history, however antediluvian it is to the rest of us. It heavily relies on a magic formula, which by the way has nothing to do with Harry Potter, even though Ms. Rowling is thought to have been inspired to write her books while cutting a piece of Chocolate with a Swiss Army Knife while looking at her watch, or so literary critics say. Either way Rowling is a hack, and this is agreed by the Swiss.
The magic formula was altered in 2003 to allow another populist in the 7-member Federal Council, the local equivalent of a Prime Minister, as the average Swiss is about seven times slower than any other person. Nobody noticed, however, and rumour says nobody cares - the important thing is to maintain an appearance of stability, so as not to discourage potential investors to leave large amounts of money in the Swiss Banks. And leave large amount of money in Swiss banks they do.
The Swiss army was heavily defeated in Italy in 1515. This inaugurated a century-long tradition of neutrality, which is another name for a fool-proof tactic to avoid being defeated in the future. The neutrality policy caused the Swiss to refuse entrance in the European Union, on the grounds that even a useless organisation like that might end up implicating them in the world's affairs. They did enter into the United Nations recently though, hereby confirming to the last sceptic that it was of no use whatsoever except as a means to bolster the economic activity of Geneva, where the UN has a secret underground lair.
This did not prevent them from taking measures to defend themselves and the gold they have been given responsibility for. Switzerland is the most armed country in the world. Every Swiss male has to follow a compulsory military service, in the course of which he is given a Swiss Army knife, and a small cruise missile. Each Swiss household is obligated by law to keep a gun, most often a Vulcan chain-gun and to build a bunker to hide in, in case of attack or overly obvious humour. Additionally, all mattresses in Switzerland are used to conceal SG 550's and most pillows have P226's hidden under them (note: do not try this yourself, as they have no safety). Sealed ammunition was distributed to all citizens, and mostly hidden in chocolate tins, although this practice was repealed in 2007 when a visiting American child accidentally ate some.
Swiss policies are determined by the Swiss people directly through a process known as Vorsprung durch Technik, also called votations, which makes it the only country in the world that actually practises direct democracy. All Swiss nationals over 18 that drive Porsches are eligible to vote.
Swiss politics took a turn for the worse when Giusep nay agreed to aide the defence in defence for Japanese/American internment, in the Battle for Middle to Midwestern earth. Because of this Giusep became a national hero earning the Fence-Trophy, the highest award for defense internment, as established by the United Nations.
[edit] Swiss Religion
Religion in Switzerland is unknown. Indeed, a familiar greeting by swiss to outsiders is "I kant eccept areligion", which is also the name of the worlds largest dealer in illegal shrink-wrapped goods from IKEA. During the struggles between divine powers and evil demons, the swiss tend to sit back and do nothing, yet they always get stuck with cleaning up the mess.
[edit] Swiss Culture
In fact, Switzerland has no culture. Or, more accurately, its culture would be defined abroad as either quaint folklore or plain eccentricity, steeped in archaic hastily made traditions. Nevertheless the Swiss bought all the culture that exists. They brought it to Basel. A popular pastime among Swiss children is to put holes in Swiss cheese. which coincidentally is a sport which the swiss invented that no one else can play, a bit like the English and cricket or Australians and petty theft. The Swiss will tend to be incredibly rude to anyone who is not-Swiss, especially Germans, even though they're basically the same thing. Criminality in Switzerland is low. It is actually negative. It is not uncommon for inhabitants going home to see a new television in their living room. Though, criminality is now raising up due to a strong Euro.
Switzerland also has a knack for naming their children with street names in other countries. The popular Ines, although good looking, and very friendly is clearly stolen from the Canadian Innes Rd. Switzerland has very little culture as they are the adopted son country of France, Germany and Italy, all of which have moved on with their lives, and want nothing to do with Switzerland.
Switzerland is famous for motor racing. That is that it is illegal in Switzerland on the grounds that it is a bit dangerous (which is sort of the point). This ultra safe attitude means that they have to switch off their engines every time they stop at traffic lights, are not allowed fireworks, nail scissors or particularly sharp paper but do keep an assault rifle in every house which is clearly safer than driving a car or motorbike a bit quickly on a closed course under supervised conditions. In an attempt to show their bravery and refute international allegations they they are a bunch of clock making pussies the Swiss do join in with some aspects of motor racing. These consist of : 1) Sending their drivers/riders abroad to ply their trade so that if anything bad happens then it was nothing to do with them 2) Making shitty motor oil developed on Alpine tractors and advertised in the racing commercial breaks on Eurosport in the hope that no one will realise that it has never even seen a racing engine. 3) Their famous watch companies timing everyone else doing something a bit dangerous while they sit in a bunker back home wrapped in bubble wrap shaking like a leaf in case they walk into a table leg.
While I'm having a pop at the people who sell us air in their cheese, isn't that where the device that will turn the universe inside out is located? The Hadron Collider?
Thank goodness they don't do anything really dangerous like race cars and bikes!
[edit] Swiss Pikemen
In the 20th century, to adapt the army into modern warfare and latest technology, Swiss government had armed its army with pikes and helms.
It is a little known fact that in 1340 A.D the Swiss conquered the Vatican City, which to this day still claims that the pikemen are only protecting a religious leader called Dope, who is rumored to be some kind of Paparazzo. In order to make their siege of the Vatican appear a little less cruel they decided to donate their uniforms to the Italian National Circus, getting their Clown's costumes in return.
(the cheese that is shown here comes from Italy. It's a typical Italian cheese)
[edit] Swiss national anthem
Du lac de Bienne aux portes de la France
L'espoir mûrit dans l'ombre des cités;
De nos cœurs monte un chant de délivrance,
Notre drapeau sur les monts a flotté!
Vous qui veillez au sort de la patrie,
Brisez les fers d'un injuste destin!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Si l'ennemi de notre indépendance
Dans nos vallons veut imposer sa loi,
Que pour lutter chacun de nous s'élance
Et dans ses rangs jette le désarroi!
D'un peuple libre au sein de l'Helvétie
Notre passé nous montre le chemin.
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Le Ciel fera germer notre semence,
Marchons joyeux, c'est l'heure du Jura!
Demain nos cris, nos chansons et nos danses
Célébreront la fin de nos combats,
Et dans la gloire au matin refleurie
Nous chanterons un hymne souverain.
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
Unissez-vous, fils de la Rauracie Et donnez-vous la main, et donnez-vous la main!
[edit] War
The easiest way to win a war against the Swiss is to remove all their clocks, or indeed set all their clocks to read a different time. What this will achieve is Confusion. The Swiss are indeed clockwork operated beings. Each section of all Swiss towns are allocated certain times when all inhabitants MUST undertake menial tasks, such as Doing the Laundry. Failure to comply results in death by sessation of chocolate privileges. A War cannot be fought effectively if your alarm clock has not woken you up to wash your clothes before you are needed to fight a battle. And their Camions aren't allowed to drive at night from 11:00 pm till 5:00 am. So the army wouldn't know when they can start driving off the bases and had to stay. Penalties of not obeying that or other laws in Switzerland are so high that even the army couldn't afford it.
The reason Switzerland is neutral is because it's part Germany, and part France. It adopted a hunger for power from Germany, and instant surrendering from France. So it attacked its self and immediately surrendered, thus becoming neutral. No one would attack Switzerland anyway. It surrounded by narrow passes(one man with a Swiss Army Knife can kill thousands, like in the movie 300.) Unfortunately for the Swiss, the plane has been invented and the Swiss Air Force is only operational Monday to Friday, normal business hours. Fortunately for them no government is smart enough to realize this.
At one point during the early 20th century, the Swiss government attempted to have a war against the demigod Oprah (known as the Attack of The Mild), but quickly stopped after realizing that the only weapons they could use were gray sheets of paper.
The point in history in which the Swiss were most threatened by invasion was during WWII, when Adolf Hitler threatened to invade the country because it was the only country near Germany he had not yet invaded, it had a funny name, and Bavarians claimed it smelled "funny". Luckily, the Swiss prevented an eminent German invasion by promising to pay Hitler a tribute 17 tons of cheese, 19 tons of chocolate, 200 milk maids, and 17 goats who possessed mustaches similar to Hitler. The Swiss paid the tribute every 7 months until the end of the War as long as the Germans stayed at least 39.5 feet from the Swiss border. Hitler gave all the chocolate to his girlfriend, Eva, and allowed the milk maids and goats to run free at his secret hidden lair in the German countryside. Hitler planned on fermenting the cheese and then using it to build a deadly flatulance-based mega bomb to end the War once and for all, but the plans never panned out. Rumors persist that Switzerland once invaded Canada during the 1930s, but the government denies the claims by saying Switzerland has always behaved as a "good little boy". Government documents from the time period have been mysteriously fed to a cow.
Oddly, every person who builds a house in Switzerland, has the obligation to build a bunker in the basement and keep an SG 550 there, this has led many people to suspect a world domination plan by the Swiss, also called the alternative solution by Adolf Hitler. Many Swiss however might not have been informed yet of this plan, so they keep growing weed in their basements.
[edit] Switzerland as a problem child
Switzerland has always been a problem child. They won't join cool clubs or fight in wars like any good country. Subsequently, the Swiss people are threatened with being made into bratwurst by Sämichlaus (a disturbing Swiss name for Santa Claus). After being thus pwnd they have just isolated themselves in the corner with a dunce cap so that they would be spared from any further punishment. Unfortunately, Switzerland was conquered in the Liechtensteinians counter-attack as answer on their invasion in march 2007.
[edit] Switzerland as the Bad-ass and crazy country that it is
Even though Switzerland is also known as Neutralland and refuses to participate in any real fights, they have an odd paranoia of being invaded and all their chocolate, watches, knives, money, and other crap valuable items stolen. In order to assert their protective neutrality, every swiss male goes through military training, owns an automatic rifle, have explosive charges mounted on every bridge, tunnel and building. All of this also is added to the fact that the Scots also have a nuclear fallout shelter space for every person in Switzerland. Don't Fuck with Switzerland!
Also, it's been suggested that losing all of their battles has been the ultimate deceit when, in fact, they were fully capable of world domination at the time- yet choose not to until mankind is at the weakest point of it's existance, which is expected to be between August 1 to August 2 of 2009. May God have mercy on us all. (Odds are, you'll be begging Satan instead.) In Fact there are more Swiss Uncyclopedians than British.
[edit] Swiss Industry
The main industrial activity in Switzerland is the mass production of Cuckoo Clocks and dodgy bank accounts. They also make watches in the city of Casio near Italy, Oh and Toblerones, which are made inside Mount Tobler which is near to the more famous Matterhorn hill. Other important exports include Yodels, Alpenstocks and Yoghurt, which is made whilst yodelling with a milkshake in the throat. Zurich is a world renowned centre for bankers, some of whom are Gnomes. The consequential Gnome Mans Land makes Switzerland a bad place to invade, as Gnome Men live there. The world famous Swiss Army Knife is made in Victorinox, Australia out of Wallabies and recycled Holdens.
[edit] See also
- Sweden
- Scotland
- Gotthard Pass
- Giusep Nay
- Carl Gustav Jung
- Hermann Rorschach
- Le Corbusier
- Chuchichäschtli
- Schweizerland
- Swiss
- 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse (Skyguide, a Swiss air traffic control firm, let the cherry pop!)
[edit] External links
| Northern Europe | Channel Islands · Denmark · Estonia · Faroe Islands · Finland · Guernsey · Iceland · Ireland · Isle of Man · Latvia · Lithuania · Norway · Old Jersey · Sealand · Svalbard · Sweden · United Kingdom | 
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| Western Europe | Austria · Belgium · Corsica · France · Germany · Liechtenstein · Luxembourg · Monaco · Netherlands · Switzerland | |
| Eastern Europe | Belarus · Bulgaria · Czech Republic · Hungary · Moldova · Poland · Romania · Russia · Slovakia · Ukraine | |
| Southern Europe | Albania · Andorra · Balearic Islands · Bosnia and Herzegovina · Croatia · Cyprus · Gibraltar · Gozo · Greece · Italy · Kosovo · Macedonia · Madeira · Malta · Montenegro · Portugal · San Marino · Serbia · Sicily · Slovenia · Spain · Vatican City |
