TNA Presents Wrestlemania Seventy-Fuckin-Three!!
TNA Presents Wrestlemania Seventy-Fuckin-Three!!, commonly abbreviated TNAWMSFT, is an upcoming TNA pay-per-view event. The event will occur on November 25, 2057. The event is currently slated to be held at Madison Square Garden; however, a terrorist attack is planned to destroy the Garden in 2034. If this happens, the event will be held at Yankee Stadium IV.
- Tagline: Where it all begins to end ironically for the eighth time this week... again.
How It Came About
When Vince McMahon blew himself up in his limo on that one episode of Raw, the blast created a hole in the dimension, which is what McMahon escaped out of. He was gone for weeks and was 50 years in the future. While there, he noticed that Wrestlemania was one day away, so he attended the event. When he came back, he told us what happened at the event. That is how we know what happened at this Wrestlemania and not any others like Seventy-Fuckin-Two!!, etc. As this was a special occasion and this was TNA Presents Wrestlemania Seventy-Fuckin-Three (even though the last Wrestlemania was XXX, but then again we aren't sure if XXX is even a number) and since the X-Divison was TNA's shinning gew of the company, Vince Russo (whom somehow survived the audience riot of 2056) gave each of the X-Divison's stars gimmicks that reflected off of either Wrestling's Most Memorable stars or just completely ridiculous gimmicks. Here's each ones gimmicks
- Jay Lethal - Black Machismo (A parody of Randy Macho Man Savage complete with thick voice and faces that look as if Lethal was constipated). Unlike the other X-Divison's gimmicks, this one actually got over.
- Sonjay Dutt - Sonjay Duttakar (A gimmick based off of American Idol reject, Sanjaya Malakar, completely with girly hair and positive personallity. Much like the person this gimmick was based off of, the audience responded negatively. Each week before the event, Sonjay would come out and sing a song every week. The audience booed him ever week and even TNA's announce team thought his singing was terrible. Don West was quoted saying "Good God! I express a little too much excitement for this company and it's stars every week, but even I can't find this entertaining. A gimmick based off of Sonjaya Malakar, you've got to be kidding me". Eventually the booing became so terrible that at this event, the audience came to the arena with signs saying "If Sonjay Sings, We Riot". Sonjay despite the boos, came out positive and sung a song. I don't need to write what happened next.
- Shark Boy - "Wet Water Shark Boy 3:16 (An obvious parody of Stone Cold Steve Austin, except for; well, the guy was dressed in a fruity shark outfit. Each week, he came out to a heavy metal remix of the Jaws theme and gave the audience "up- yours" signs. Instead of drinking beer however, he would drink cans of blood (however it wasn't real blood, it was cans of Hawaiian Punch that the company pasted stickers saying "blood" on the cans and use profantiy in his promos (although, nobody could understand him because he was wearing a mask). One noticeable incident that almost got the company in trouble was when Shark Boy addressed the audience saying "If Ya'll Think Shark Boy deserves a title shot give me a Heck YeaH!". The audience booed and Shark Boy followed with a promo saying "If Ya'll don't give me a friggin "Heck Yeah" I'm gonna start bitting people. What? Ya'll don't think I would? What? I'm a mother****ing shark!". Shark Boy then went on a rampage biting people before being escorted backstage by a security.
- "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels - The Bishop (a lame and inaccurate parody of The Undertaker). Basically, Daniels copied many of The Undertaker's mannerisms such as rolling his eyes back, coming out to creepy music, and walking to the ring slowly, except this gimmick was that of a holy man instead of, well an unholy man who keeps coming back from the dead. While this gimmick was a bit cooler than his "Fallen Angel" gimmick, it still didn't help Daniels improve his horrible promo skills. He called his finisher "The Power Of Christ Compels You" in which Daniels would simply throw holy water at an opponent in hopes to drive their "evil spirits" out. This move always costed Daniels his matches.
- Samoa Joe - Joeberg (A parody of Bill Goldberg, including the roars, the pyromatic enterance, and the miliatry-like music). This gimmick at the time was a pretty good idea as the audience liked the gimmick (since it was based off a wrestler whom was a believable badass) , but then the company hired Bill Goldberg and the two became inbroiled in a fued. The fued was well praised, but Joe became overshadowed by Goldberg and the fued ended with Bill coming out on top. Still, Goldberg did help elevate Joe to the main event picture and Joe was starting to get a ton of momentum and seemed poised to win the title at the next pay-per view that was until his new gimmick.
- Samoa Joe - Joemaga (A stupid parody of Umaga, a man who's gimmick was really based off of Joe, but because the company saw Umaga as the better known star, they decided to change Joe's gimmick). As Joemaga, Joe was limited to grunting and roaring in his promos. Of course by grunting and roaring instead of delievering a believeable and cool badass promo didn't get joe over. In fact, the audience began booing him. Eventually, the company was convinced Joe could never get over and turned him into a comedy act. He was put into ridiculous segements with Kevin Nash (and god knows that anybody doing a segement with him will NEVER be the same again), he performed a stupid monkey dance in the middle of the ring while making monkey sounds, he ate live chickens, chased people in the audience, and smashed coconuts while screaming "AHAHAHHAHAH JOEMOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
- AJ Styles - AJ The Jet Plane (A parody of the almost unknown tv series "Jay Jay The Jet Plane). He was forced to dress in a plan outfit and was forced to run around acting like and make the sounds of a plane. He also wore a little propeller on his nose to really put the finishing touch on his costume. AJ also came out each week and delievered mediocre promos about "why you should believe in yourself". Needless to say, the audience booed the shit outta AJ and he had to be escorted in and out of the arena by security guards (whom were also wearing plane outfits to make it seem like they were in character as well) to avoid an angry fan from attacking him.
- Senshi - Sensurato (An obvious parody of Naruto. Senshi was forced to grow his hair and dye it yellow, and was forced to wear the entire Nartuo outfit). As Sensurato, Senshi adopted a personality almost no real wrestling fan could appreciate. He acted like a child and delivered ridiculous promos about "being the number one ninja" and following it up with a "believe it". At the event, the company had Christy Hemme dress and act like Sakura and Austin Aries dress and act like Sasuke and walked Sensurato to the ring. The company even forced him to perform "special jutsu attacks" to make the gimmick more believable, but it didn't help one bit. The audience crapped on this gimmick as well and booed Senshi over his opponent, Bob Buckland.
- Petey Williams - Petey Pan (A terrible gimmick based off of Peter Pan. Petey literally had to wear the entire Pan outfit and because Tinker Bell wasn't real and no miget the company could bring in could possibly be that small to be tinker bell so they had Eric Young be Tinker Bell. Petey also had to change the name of his move from the "Canadian Destroyer" to the "Pixie Dust Fix". The audience was well known to chant "Pan is bullshit" and "Die Pan Die" during all of his matches.
- Frankie Kazarian- Frankie the Fisherman (What could be worse after Kaz's run in Serotonin? TNA decided to give him an angler's gimmick. Frankie wore fisherman apparel from head to toe, complete with a pair of torn sandals a toy fishing rod, because TNA couldn't afford it. Frankie dropped almost all his finishers, and opted to lash out the rod at opponents. However, this always costed Frank his matches. Fans chanted "You can't fish" and "Fuck this fish" on his appearances. Despite this, Frankie organised live fishing contests which showed that he was poor at fishing.)
So know you have a pretty good idea of how desperate TNA is to give their stars gimmicks. If only they realized that the stars could get over on their own for their wrestling ability.
Heres what happens at TNA Presents Wrestlemania Seventy-Fuckin-Three!!
- Kamen Rider V3 defeated Shuma-Gorath, Static-X, Chris Jericho, Jet Mayonese, Your Mom, John Cena, Reptile and Mr.T to retain the World Ultra Heavyweight Super Special Awesome Hardcore Strong Championship
- Michael Cole was defeated by Linda McMahon to win the W.W.E. (Worst Wrestler Ever) Championship Belt
- Frankie the Fisherman fought Mr. Kennedy to a draw in a Fishing Contest, Frankie remains the World's Most Boring Angler Champion.
- The contest ended 0-0. Though the retarded Frankie incapicitated Kennedy with his fishing rod while Kennedy made his entrance, he could not reel in a single fish. The segment wasted 20 fucking minutes of production time, and the fans chanted "Kennedy! Kennedy!" after the match and booed Frankie heavily. Kennedy then made his comeback, and put Frankie in a Green Bay packer (The ones used to contain fish). When he heard the results, Kurt Angle reportedly consumed 20 steroids.
- TNA manager Jim Cornette announced that the Boring Angler Championship was vacant, and anyone could challenge Mr. Kennedy for it. Kurt Angle then came out to challenge for his billionth title in the world.
- Mr. Kennedy defeated Kurt Angle in a Fishing Contest to win the Boring Angler Championship
- Kurt took more steroids during the contest, enabling him to catch every single fish. However, Kennedy just simply took all the fish Angle had at the death. Thus, Kennedy won 328-0.
- After the match, it was reported that Kennedy destroyed the belt
- Hulk Hogan VII murdered Hulk Hogan III
- "The Dynamo Kid" defeted "The meat and potato man" (but ended up a spazz)
- after a gruelling 12 hours of hardcore gay porn and pie-sex "The dynamo kid" pinned "the meat and potato pie man", and was on the 2,739 ft high titantron, ready to do the "Dynamo headbutt", as he jumped an airbus 3.543.354.4.4543 hit him and he fell down all 100 ft of it, fell a further 20 ft (it's parking lot, duh), and then fell another 2,619 ft, head first into "the meat and potato pie man" and broke his neck in 30,000 different places, thus rendering him in a wheelchair.
- Harry Potter defeated Matt Hardy
- Harry had destroyed Hardy's final Horcrux.
- Following the match, the audience booed Harry and wildly chanted "Hardy". Moments later, Hardy arose from the dead and challenge Potter to a "Hardy Will Not Die" Match (basically a regular match, but Hardy is immortal during the bout).
- Matt Hardy defeated Harry Potter in a "Hardy Will NOT Die!" Match
- 2Pac came out and revealed that he is alive and well
- The Houston Texans make love to the Kansas City Chiefs
- Umaga defeated Joemaga to win the TNA Championship Belt.
- Following the match, the audience booed wildly as Umaga had just defeated Joe. However, General Manager Jim Cornette came out and announced that "this garbage wasn't gonna happen and that here in TNA we're gonna break through the glass ceiling and push our future stars" and announced that Umaga would have to defend the title against Joemaga and Bill Goldberg.
- Goldberg defeated Umaga and Joemaga to win the TNA Championship Belt.
- Following the match, Goldberg grabbed the mic and said to both fallen compeditors "This company ain't big enough for the three of us. Who's da man now bitches? YEAH! Who's Next?".
- AJ "The Jet Plane" Styles defeated Sonjay Duttakar in a "Winner Is The King Of Bad Gimmicks" match.
- Following the match, AJ and Sonjay shook hands and hugged each other. As the audience booed wildy, the two began to sing a song. Shortly after, the audience lept into the ring and ran after both compeditors as they ran into the locker rooms.
- Team Naruto (Nartuo, Sakura, and Sasuke) defeated Team Naruto Ripoffs (Sensurato, Christy Hemmura, and Austin Ariesuke) to win the TNA Tag Team Titles.
- Black Machismo defeated Randy "Macho Man" Savage to win the Macho Man Championship Belt.
- Following the match, the two compeditors shook hands and the audience cheered wildy. Black Machismo was a success.
- Woody and Buzz Lightyear defeated Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and Al Borland to win the Celebrity Tag Team Championship
- Buzz and Tim were technically the same person and couldn't participate, so it became a 1 on 1 match
- Woody won the match after decapitating Al with an atomic string pull
- "The Bishop" Christopher Daniels vs The Undertaker went to a no contest after both compeditors were counted out as they both took to long to reach the ring.
- Master Hand defeated Shang Tsung in a "Winner Will Take Over The Universe" Match
- Master Hand is now officially the ruler of the Universe (until the second coming of Jesus)
- The hot dog vendor in the audience defeated Randy Orton to win the Intercontinental Championship after Orton suffered from weiner phobia.
- In the main event, Triple H was wished back to life by Stephanie McMahon by use of the DragonBalls and was granted a World Heavyweight Championship Match against defending champion, Liu Kang(despite the audience clearly wishing Triple H just stayed dead). The result was the same as their Wrestlemania XXX match however.
- Liu Kang defeated Triple H to retain the TNA World Heavyweight Championship]] after Kang performed his Oriental Fists Of Doom technquie and defeated Triple H yet again.
- Once more following the match, Triple H began to vibrate wildly. His body turned bright red and he was steaming smoke. Soon after he turned into stone and seconds later, he exploded into a million pieces again. The audience cheered Kang's victory as Stephanie weeped at H's broken stone pieces. She grabbed a mic and said she would have her revenge; once she found the seven DragonBalls once more.
- Following Liu Kang's victory, Jeff Jarrett ran out, grabbed a mic, and stated Kang would have to defend his Championship against him. Needless to say, the audience booed wildly as the match began.
- Jeff Jarrett defeated Liu Kang to win the TNA World Heavyweight Championship after Shang Tsung and Quan Chi interfeared on Jarrett's behalf, followed by Jarrett hitting Kang over the head with a guitar and then finally The Stroke.
- Following the match, the audience at first booed and pelted the ring with garbage, but seeing as how they found the next worse thing to Triple H, the audience lept over the guardrails and ran after Jarrett, whom ran backstage with the title. In a hilarious turn of events, Adema performed "Immortal" as the show drew to a close. Seriously, the song is so friggin good it's no wonder it's played for only the most immortal wrestlers.