Taboo

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Committing a Taboo will often result in punishment

“This is Taboo? Nobody told me that...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pounding a Guy in the Butt

“People tend to react negatively to it.”

“One Man's Taboo is another Man's Saturday Night”

~ Patrick Stewart on Baby Punching


A taboo is something that is incredibly, mind-alteringly, fun. But for whatever reason the Powers that Be have decided that good honest people shouldn't be allowed to do it. Nobody knows what their problem is, but it really doesn't matter. If they don't want to encourage it, that just means more sweet sweet taboo for those who know how to enjoy life.

A Brief History of Taboos[edit]

It is unknown how long stuck up jerks have prevented others from indulging in the finer pleasures, but some dedicated historians have chronicled some landmark examples of the despicable practice.

300,000 BC: Murder Officially Becomes "Frowned Upon"[edit]

In an unprecedented turn of events, the simple act of Murder, one enjoyed by countless generations before, is suddenly made taboo. Nobody has come to understand why this restriction came to be or, for that matter, why it persists to this day.

There are some who are willing to go against societal norms and fly in the face of public decency, and hopefully they will generate enough momentum to fully repeal the murder-ban.

1000 BC: Sex Within the Family Considered "Improper"[edit]

Ushering in a new generation of Force-Wielding Tards

In another case of the blind leading the blind, the ultimate act of love is forcefully taken from the family unit. Never again will a brother feel the warm carnal embrace of a sister, nor grandfather with grandchild, etc. This was truly a sad day for humanity.

This Taboo, however, seemed to get a slight repeal during Europe's Middle Ages. The mightiest rulers, in an attempt to keep the blood-line pure, began going at their own family with gusto! Sadly certain "Birth Defects" in the heirs to various thrones got the prudes in an uproar, and the Taboo came back stronger than ever.

But, again, there seems to be hope. Those inhabitants of the American South (pioneers as always) have been constantly testing this rule, pushing the boundaries, trying to find the breaking point. It may only be a matter of years before incest comes back into the spotlight

0 BC/AD/CE Jesus Ruins EVERYTHING[edit]

Though it took some time for the Christ Cult to gain a significant foothold on planet Earth, the main damage was done when Jesus himself started running at the mouth. Love thy Neighbor, was an ok start, but all of the sudden he resurrected an ancient document that was thought lost by many contemporary party-goers.

Who does this guy think he is? God's gift to humanity?

It was these Ten Commandments that truly threw a wet blanket all over the good time. Though not the author himself Jesus acted as the head pitch-man that spread the Commandments like a virus. Now along with "Love Thy Neighbor" comes the rule about "Not Coveting Another Man's Wife". But without the coveting, and subsequent defiling, of other people's spouses, what's the point of marriage at all?

Another thing that takes a major hit at this time is Homosexuality. Before this, in Greece, man on man action was the preferred model. After the J-Bomb dropped it spread a new disease: Homophobia. No longer was a man allowed to vigorously pound another man's butt publicly. Homosexuals almost died out completely, if not for a few underground movements and pioneers.

And if the man himself wasn't bad enough, his cult took Taboo to whole new heights. Even sex within marriage became a topic of ill repute. If it was enjoyable in the slightest, an entire sect of Jesusism was created to stomp it out.

It is only recently, and only in the realm of sexual expression, that pleasure seekers have gained some ground. The 60's were a good time, we fought (among other things) hard and we won back some of our lost freedoms. But more work lies ahead. Remember, many of those Commandments are still in effect: "Thou Shalt Not Steal" and "Thou Shalt Not Kill" being the big two.

1776 AD Freedom![edit]

Instead of people never questioning the authority of kings, monarchs, nobles and emperors who can tax them, have troops invade their homes, outlaw non-state churches and even kill people (i.e.torture prisons), more people in America and later Europe began to rebel against prohibitions on the freedom of religion, press, speech and assembly. By the next two centuries in the developed world, you can't have absolute rulers nor dictators or one-party states. Even royality are now resigned to private lives or are declared "head of state" to keep it traditional in some Northern European countries.

1860's AD Slavery Abolished[edit]

After the long and arduous American Civil War, the die had been cast and it was now illegal to own another person. America sells out it's Capitalist beliefs for the sake of prudish morality. No longer would one be allowed to go to auction to find sturdy backs and hard callused hands. No longer would one be allowed to force another human being to serve them without payment.

Sadly, unlike the others, there is little hope for this being made the norm again. There may be some daring enough to commit Murder, Incest or Larceny, but almost nobody owns slaves anymore.

In a secret deal, the leaders of both the white and black races declared themselves "separate but equal" for another century. That means whites can have all the rights and privileges, by allowing black people to enter any public place but through a separate entrance door or be served separately. That was good, huh? That went out of style too but in the 1960's.

1950's "The age of ignorance"[edit]

For those "free-thinking" Americans, it was briefly taboo to be a liberal, socialist and most of all, a very BAD word of the day was...C*mm*n*st.

Back in those days, girls WERE girls and men WERE men. Homosexuality was more taboo than ever, so was questioning ones' religion (if not other religious beliefs) and talking about politics, except how "unAmerican" the bad "isms" were: Fascism, Nazism, Socialism, Communism, Anarchism, Marxism, Monarchism and Nationalism (except for good ol' American patriotism). Was that a fun time? "Happy Days were here then".

The cold war was when America wanted to "save the world" in the typical conservative Christian soldier way, although the French, Mexicans and Japanese began to turn against us: they opposed not only our taboos on sexuality or nudity (and the white male soldiers have intimate relations with the wimmins'), the American "ism" known as capitalism was taboo to them.

Luckily, most of the 1950's taboos worn out over time, but the Nazism taboo was based on "they hate Jews" while the American people have no historical knowledge on what brought on Nazism at the first place.

1960's Racism Becomes Taboo[edit]

See this? Don't do that.

For all the bad that the Cult of Jesus did, the one thing it didn't do was remove racism from our hearts and minds. If anything, it gave us yet another difference to cling to. This all changed when slavery was abolished.

Now with another ethnic group gaining power, both sides had the joy of being brought closer to their own kind, out of a mutual hatred and mistrust of the other side. But due to the rallying and rioting of the 1960's (what was supposed to be a golden time) legislation was passed in the United States banning racism.

For decades people walked on eggshells, trying to avoid offending their fellow man. But recently, people are becoming more comfortable with the hate inside them, leading to support groups, entertainers and even political candidates. There might be more hope than you think.

1990's Political Correctness gone mad[edit]

Today, it's taboo to be racist, nationalist, sexist, classist, homophobic, xenophobic, religious intolerant, lactose intolerant, hypo-allergenic, unorganic, culturally insensitive, egocentric, cruel to animals, unsafe for the environment, not drug-free, not light in calories, not low-carb, not no-smoking section, not bilingual, not culture-fair, still homogenized, not safe sex(y), to some extent atheistic, and most of all, anti-semitic (those radical Muslims). oh wait, despite 9/11 happened, you can't hate them too.

This taboo can be mitigated by proclaiming that the taboo is being committed under the guise of "Political Incorrectness", which has the effect of simultaneously making all the aforesaid okay and propelling the person into the coveted "edgy" category. On some occasions the technique has been used to successfully prove that the offended just don't "get it".

Please note that this will not work on lactose intolerance, which is never okay under any circumstances.

But remember, rules like laws are always meant to be broken.

Taboos Today[edit]

Taboos greatly differ depending on where in the world you happen to go. Compiled here are some examples of some of the more serious Taboos and their consequences.

North American Taboos[edit]

Ain't Nobody want a piece o Twain!
NO ONE CAN TABOO RAP! (except for this guy).
woohoo
  • Nudity; why it's called a bathing suit at the privacy of your homes.
  • Spitting at a lady; slap!
  • Raping a family pet (yours); funny look.
  • Raping a family pet (someone else's); arrested.
  • Flirting (by men); sexual harassment or sex crimes.
  • Flirting (by women); why American girls are NOT easy.
  • Failure to comply with PATRIOT act; death by liberation.
  • Kicking the Prime Minister of Canada; Hockey Punch.
  • Defecating on the White House Lawn; Pink Belly from Secret Service.
  • Writing the Next Great American Novel; Mark Twain returns as Zombie, Challenges you to Gentleman's duel.
  • Farting; possible jail time.
  • Insufficient Postage; execution.
  • Breast-feeding in public; natural, but so is a guy releasing steam.
  • Not working; welfare dependent cheats.
  • Teens having fun; they must wait until age 21 to do that.
  • Some board game that no one plays; what? No, it's not.
  • Native American rappers.

European Taboos[edit]

love thats is had in kroger*Soccer Rioting; Not Actually Taboo.

  • Losing Soccer Match; Death by Lynch Mob.
  • Being American; Snotty Attitude.
  • Global warming denial; illegal.
  • Holocaust denial; also illegal in the European Union.
  • racism, but illegal in the eyes of the law (unenforced).
  • not tolerant to immigrants, don't be like the Nazis were.
  • war; HOH! Thank god y'all, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Lemme tell you about...ACK! war!

South American Taboos[edit]

  • Not worshipping the Pope or virgin Mary; AYE MI DIOS.
  • Not staying with your family; Latinos are into La Familia.
  • Not being a MAN (men); You may be called a Cabrone.
  • Not being lady-like (women); Independent, educated and self-esteem.
  • Refusing to Smuggle Drugs; Punch in the Mouth.
  • Refusing to Sleep with Prostitute; Slap in the Nose.
  • Not napping at nap time; No ill effect as everyone else is asleep.
  • Not Participating in Day of the Dead celebrations; Zombie Uprising.
  • Attempting to take Political Power (unsuccessful); Execution.
  • Attempting to take Political Power (successful); Political Power.

African Taboos[edit]

Pistols at dawn!
  • Having AIDS; No Ill Affects... except that you have AIDS.
  • Wearing clothes on a hot day; Again, the people won't do anything to you, you'll just be really hot.
  • Failure to prove manhood by killing lion barehanded; Fed to Lion.
  • Failure to prove womanhood by killing lion barehanded; Parting gift.
  • Having sex with virgin to cure AIDS; Makes you an asshole (also, for the record, that doesn't work).
  • Being White; Knife to the eye (South Africa Only).

Asian Taboos[edit]

  • Showing too little respect to superiors; Dishonor, kill self.
  • Showing too much respect to superiors; Dishonor, kill self.
  • Owning property; arrested (China Only).
  • Not sniffing bloodstained panties offered to you; bukkake (Japan Only).
  • Mentioning North Korea; The Cold Shoulder (South Korea Only).
  • Mentioning South Korea; Nuke up the arse (North Korea Only).
  • Eating in public in Japan; Might as well pee in public in Malaysia.
  • Foreigners entering health spas in Japan; but Russian women are welcome to sit in stranger men's laps.
  • Being unable to solve simple math problems; Dishonor, kill self.
  • Reading this article; Government has already found you.

For Further Reading[edit]

Please refer to the following articles for more information on what is, and what isn't, acceptable behavior:

Hey, it's 5PM somewhere...and that doesn't apply in Europe either.

President Bush displays his knowledge of the Taboo

For Firsthand Knowledge of Taboos[edit]

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