Taco Hell
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[edit] Background
Founded as a solution for America's growing waste problems, Glenn Bell discovered that by adding sour cream to the average pile of trash and then wrapping it in a tortilla, he could sell "tacos" to ignorant white America. To make his restaurants more authentic and to avoid paying those pesky labor fees, Taco Bell uses illegal immigrants from Costa Rica and Mexico as its primary workforce. Known for its tasty chalupas and infamous E. Coli wraps, its pastors make up nearly 12/18ths of the population of Mexifornia. In 2004, they reported forced donations north of 276 million dollars. However, most of these profits were spent on candy and giant lollipops, against the advice of Glenn "Taco" Bell's mother, who had wanted him to start a savings account to buy some storm windows. One of the biggest fans of Taco Bell is the Pope, Benedict XVI. Taco Bell's tacos, until very recently, consisted of rooster testicles plus the traditional pile of trash. Taco Bell briefly experimented with artificial rooster testicles (or "roosticles" as they were known) but has since promised to raise its standards and now exclusively uses premium horse cock. The horse cock meat within the tacos have been known to be of the highest quality outside of New York. Reno, Nevada, remains the only exception. Instead they choose to use ground up hobo as a substitute for horse cock in Taco Bell's tacos and burritos. Consequently, Reno, Nevada, also boasts the lowest homeless rate in the west.
To gain publicity, Taco Bell executives Ralph and Wendell, who routinely drank Yoo-Hoos out by the dumpster to get the taste and smell of the nastiest shit ever, came up with the slogan: "Run for the bordertoilet,you'll feel it in a bit."
[edit] The Taco Bell Chihuahua
In the late 1940s, Taco Bell introduced its new God, a chihuahua named Percy. The dog was a hit, and was much better received than their previous mascot, a crack dealer named Dirty Sanchez( that fat mexican who mows your lawn), who died tragically trying to auto-falate himself with that thing dentists use to suck spit out of your mouth.
The chihuahua caught on with the American pubic, as well as the public, with his signature catchphrase "A mi me gusta penes gordos", which roughly translates to "I like me some fat cocks." The dog went on to save all of fnord humanity from their sins better than before, and created the dollar menu which will make you feel like hell and cures cancer but also gives you herpes.
On 07/22/2009, the dog died. The nasty little leg-humper finally croaked, probably as a result of eating the vile spew that the restaurants serve, purportedly being delivered as a somewhat food-like product. "Yo quiero artheriosclerosis!"
[edit] Controversies
In 2002 Taco Bell was sued by the country of Mexico for its' poor representation of Mexican food. The case reached the Supreme Court in 2006 and was decided in Taco Bell's favor when it was proven that, although Taco Bell's food is 83% more disgusting than real Mexican food, every portion contains at least 67% real Mexican body parts.
Hitler Jr has been rumoured to eat at Taco Bell, but he denies it.
Later cries from hardcore bestiality groups found offense in Taco Bell's 2004 slogan "Fuck you, Fuck everything, Taco Bell" After the ensuing bloody riots across Europe because of this controversy, it was more appropriately changed to "I'm going to get double fisted by two black midgets, then eat at Taco Bell!!!=)"
It has been recently rumoured that a future widespread epidemic of tuberculosis may, in fact, be associated with the Taco Bell franchise, hence the initials TB. This particular strain of the disease is said to be in a "sleeper" form, and will not awaken in customers' bodies until radiated by a signal generated from a tacky singing fish ornament in the Taco Bell CEO's office. Anyone who has ever consumed a regular bean burrito, any form of chalupa, or at least a single packet of the franchise's trademarked mild sauce is said to be subject to tuberculosis as soon as they are exposed.
Also, there is highly credible sources that says Taco Bell is a secret partnership with the Toilet Paper Conglomeration in that whenever you go to Taco Bell you get the super shits.
In more recent times Taco Bell caught fire, as chronicled in the song Danger! High Voltage.
[edit] Latest Offerings
The new E.Coli Supreme Grande has been test-marketed in the northeast, with awfully poor results. As a result, Taco Bell will no longer market this product. This echoes the failure of Chi-Chi's test-market of Green Onions...now with Hepatitis A!.
There are rumors that Taco Bell is considering the production of giant bell-shaped tacos, which consist of the taco salad shell being inverted thereby resembling a bell. Engineers are still working on how to keep the meat from falling out. Lettuce too.
[edit] Taco Bell in Plop Culture
Pop artist Fergie has mentioned Taco Bell as her restaurant of choice. She states in her recent song "Glamorous" that she still went to Taco Bell and that the drive through was "raw as hell." Therefore, one must avoid the drive through at all costs, because we all know what is "raw as hell" Fergie.
Taco Bellvue Hospital in New New York City is a very popular hospital. It now offers urine samples in collectible NASCAR cups.
David Letterman's only monologue jokes involve Taco Bell and "that thing on Donald Trump's head".
[edit] Enchirito
The Enchirito is a special burrito that sometimes shows up on the Taco Bell menu. Legend has it that it is the only item on their menu that does not cause violent diarrhea, which is why Taco Bell makes every attempt in the world to deny that it exists.
[edit] How it Works
This is what happens at the drive-thru window at Taco Bell:
8:04am -- You pull up to the little screen and wait.
3:12pm -- You hear a click followed by "Th*czz* for ch*czz* sing *czzz* ell. I'll be one s*czz* ond."
3:13pm -- You assume they said "Thank you for choosing Taco Bell. I'll be one second.
7:26pm -- You hear a click and then "Thank you for *czz*ing. May I take you're order?"
7:26pm -- You give him your order.
7:27pm -- You order the E. Coli burrito and some donkey cock.
7:29pm -- You hear a click and then "Would *czzz*ou like anything else?"
7:30pm -- You say yesno
7:30pm -- You pull up to the first window
7:52pm -- Someone opens the window and takes your money.
7:53pm -- You pull up to the next window
9:47pm -- Someone gives you food. The order is wrong, but produces the same effect.
9:50pm -- You arrive at home and begin eating.
10:00pm -- You finish eating and immediately realize you need to take a shit
10:05pm -- You complete your shit and begin wiping
12:43am -- You finish wiping
12:44am -- You pull up your pants and walk back to the kitchen, happy that your horrific ordeal is over.
12:45am -- Suddenly shit sprays down your leg and into your mouth (which happens to be on the floor, awed at the amount of toilet paper it took to wipe)
12:49am -- You go back into the bathroom.
12:50am -- As you take off your pants, shit sprays onto the wall.
1:00 am -- After a few moments of agony on the toilet, the smell gets too bad, so you go into the hall, thinking your shit-fit is over.
1:01 am -- Something warm covers your legs...both of them
1:02 am -- Your dog licks your legs, and you realize you've been lying on the carpet, shitting yourself.
1:05 am -- You succumb to dehydration and pass out as your legs soak up the spicy yet somehow satisfying flavor of puke and crap.
3:00 am -- You wake up to find your dog dead and rotting in a pile of half-eaten shit.
5:00am -- You finish cleaning up the massive shit/blood stains all over your bathroom.
8:03am -- You go to Taco Bell again.
Repeat as necessary.
5:00 PM-You decide to sue Taco Bell franchise owner Jordan Chandler also called the Woon Doon Doon Doon man for some reason.He takes offense and tells you to eat his queso cuntwrap. Two years later-You and Jordan form the website Personal Teens
[edit] Conjunction With KFC
In 2006, Taco Bell joined forces with Kanye's Fuckin' Chicken to create a super resturaunt in the ghettos of rural Rhode Island. The result was bitchin'. It has since become a popular hangout for landscapers and black people.
[edit] See also
- Poop Cuisine
- Find the Taco
- Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch
- I Am Going To Kill Your Brother
- Cheesy Gordita Crunch
- taco
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