Talent agent

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A Talent Agent in its natural habitat

A Talent Agent (species name Crocodylus Tenpercentius) is a creature native to the hills of Hollywood and the urine-soaked streets of Los Angeles. They are wild, carnivorous, and absolutely fabulous. They also have waaaaaay more money than you do.


One of the most common misconceptions about Talent Agents is that they represent talented people. (Don't worry if you thought this was true, it's a common mistake. Don't get me wrong, you're still an idiot.) Talent Agents secure work for people who look nice and have a propensity for sucking a mean dick(Don't take it seriously,or you are a retard.) That's right. Every star in Hollywood is contractually bound to "suck their Agent's dick" a minimum of 3 times a week (and twice on holidays). That's how you get work in this town, bitch. It also explains how Rob Schneider continues to get parts, as opposed to his being thrown into a pit of starving hyenas, which is where that no-talent fuck oughta be.

You may be wondering about how this works for female agents. Well, it's simple. You didn't think they got all that jewelry from the movie studios, did you? Nope, it's your job to pick out the latest trendy piece of bling, and it better be trendy, as in one-minute-ago is outdated. And it better be PERFECT, or you're gonna be stuck doing B-movies for the rest of your sorry and miserable life. But don't you think that she'll be satisfied with one piece of bling. No way. Each gig you wanna get, you better come up with the goods, or you're right back to nowheresville without an agent. To come up with the cash for that bling, guess what? Expect to suck some dick.

So, ya still wanna be in the movies, you no-good fame whore?[edit]

It's easy. Don't bother with acting classes, voice lessons, or trying to get a job waiting tables at The Ivy. Just grab a pickle, a hot dog, or a decent sized dildo and practice suppressing that gag reflex, brother. It's all you need to make it in Hollywood.