From Pee Review
What do I need to add to make it funnier? It needs to be reviewed within a week or the construction tag will expire.
Right, an attempt at a constructive review follows. I'm going to be honest, but don't take it personally, I'm trying to help you make it funnier, as requested!
|Final Score:||18||Basically, you need to expand the article, as it's a bit stubby at the moment, and (and this is the hard bit) insert some humo(u)r. Of course, it's easy to just say that, so I've made a suggestion or so below. Keep going and don't be disheartened by a low review score, the more you learn, the better your articles will get!|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 08:54, 14 September 2007 (UTC)|
OK, suggestions. Well, the Talladega Nights idea is a potential start: you might want to expand from this. Perhaps he saw it and didn't realise it was a comedy? Or perhaps it was closely based on his life, but with a few of the more ridiculous parts left out so people wouldn't think it was too far-fetched?
You could make him the most competitive person ever, and have fun with that, for example: You mention Kyle Petty going off to feed homeless children in Darfur. Then 2 sentences later Bill retires, so why not have him going to Darfur "to show that punk Petty how to really feed homeless kids, I'm gonna feed so many kids he'll look like a hot dog stand next to my McDonald's". Expand on what you have as well: you say he came back and won a bunch of races. What prompted the return? Maybe he'd overfed all the kids in Darfur to the point where they were hiding whenever he was spotted holding a spoon, and he needed another challenge?
Alternatively, you could try writing the whole article in the style of a racing commentary? That might be funny if handled right (good start, out of the womb nice and fast, accelerating through the crying quickly to full-blown screaming, holding off the challenge of the school bullies well etc etc). Just a thought.
Take out the random stuff, it doesn't add funnny, it just confuses the issue: absurdly large numbers (2000mph) are not funny, and neither are random sentences that have no connection to what went before ("The only real competition he had was Dale Earnhardt but the Taliban had to kill him with Sterling Marlin's silver bullet/#40 car") - this has no context with the rest of the text, you could try to explain it, but honestly, you may as well remove it.
Have a good look at HTBFANJS as well. Even if you've read it before. I look at it when I'm stuck and I've read it many times. I'm not claiming to be a brilliant author, but I find it's a big help, so you may get an idea from it.
Hope this helps. Good luck.