Talk:Tom Cruise

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[edit] List of Films

The film list was a heck of a lot funnier in earlier revision. I don't feel like digging through the history to see who messed it up, but whoever did it shouldn't have. --Alan Truism 16:22, 28 September 2006 (UTC)

[edit] The Baby

Tom Cruise's lovechild with sex-slave Katie Cruise (nee: Katie Holmes. Her name was changed so the FBI would let Tom Cruise keep her on premises) is named 'Suri', but this is only because of Katie's speech impedement (Tom's hand over her mouth) and her original plan was to name the child 'Sewerage'. Sewerage is half boar, half lesbian. She is actually twelve years old, but a mixture of growth-stunting chemicals and being kept in a 1x1 room for eleven years of her life have given her the physique of a one-year-old. When she reaches fourteen years of age, Tom will send Sewerage to a high-class Scientologist school. This school is named Harvard. Harvard have a long history of Scientologist teachings, under the guise of being one of the best schools in Japan, or Denmark, I forget which.

[edit] "Asian bitches"

That was pretty humourless. Somebody please erase.

[edit] smacktard

this Tom Cruise page is abysmal. not a decent line in it. be better to wipe the whole thing and start again. - by Hipsterdoofus 23:05, 28 November 2005

hey buddy if you dont like it go to wikipedia. - 64.180.122.142 19:29, 5 December 2005
- The only people who don't like the Tom Cruise page are:

1) Tom

2) His gay lovers

3) His "girlfriend" or "wife"

4) His employees

5) Scientologists and others with a vested interest in maintaining the Big Lie -User:207.200.116.137 02:59, 19 February 2006

No dude, it's just not funny. -194.201.210.214 12:51, 8 March 2006

[edit] He is Right

No offense, but the humour was sorely lacking. I did a little tweaking (changed opening quotation and introduction, added Felcher pic, changed a couple captions, took out some templates- there were far too many and the page was slow to load, even with a cable modem) but there is still a lot of work to be done here. --Imrealized 06:50, 23 March 2006 (UTC)

[edit] He is not gay

I found repeated reference to him not being gay to be quite funny. No honour deleting other people's joke. 82.25.41.91

I especially liked how it said "He's gay" and then " he is definately not gay" over and over. It gave me something to look forwards to in an otherwise nearly worthless page.

Originally, whenever tom cruise was mentioned, it would be followed by "who is not gay". I thought this was the funniest part of the page. too bad its gone now

[edit] A Great Idea

Hey everybody pitching in to "help" this page... Notice how the first couple paragraphs (everything above Mr. T) are already funny and a great deal of the rest of the article is not? Well, instead of changing a word or two in the first paragraph, which admittedly doesn't really need your help, why not place that energy into making the rest of the article funny? I realize that to a Glorp the technique of exchanging one word for another in an already funny bit seems like a great way to spread your name across the Unlandscape, but be assured that I, and others like me, are secretly laughing at your idiocy. That is all. --Imrealized 06:44, 19 April 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Is he all rounded?

Tom Cruise has been playing films like Mission Impossible (MI). Many people are associating these roles with heros. If he is not an all rounded person, I do not know why film producers or directors should find him to play such roles.

[edit] Latest Revision

Whoever placed that GWB quote on this article... I deleted it because, though a great deal of humour on this site is random, I felt that quote was just randumb. But I figured I'd like to learn something here so I'd love for you to explain to me what about Georgie W. calling Tom Cruise a terrorist is funny. And I'll give you bonus points if you can also inform me why people who can't be bothered to put in thirty seconds to create a username have a need to edit pages. --Imrealized 05:18, 21 April 2006 (UTC)

[edit] The First Paragraph

This article was listed on rewrites. The first paragraph sucked. I made a new one; a better one. There is an entire article still available. Or a brand new paragraph may be created. But no, you must edit the first paragraph. And why? Because you are a lazy buffoon who cannot read beyond a few sentences. You may edit the first paragraph, but if you edit it by removing something that is funny and replacing it with something stupid I will just edit it right back. Here is the Idiot's Guide to Editing the First Paragraph; what a shame that this is necessary (and not like you'll read it anyway):

Tom Cruise's real name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Now we could just call him Thomas "Xenu-Ate-My-Underwear" Fucktard, but that would be a little too obvious, no? See the subtle change between Mapother and Meatlover, which is extra funny because Tom Cruise absolutely loves meat?
A beard is a woman who dates a gay man to make him appear less gay. So obviously, "beard collector" is way funnier than "fetus eater", which has no comedic value and looks to elicit laughs through shock, a technique that only works on imbeciles. You are not an imbecile, are you?
I suppose this really isn't in the first paragraph's jurisdiction, but I'd also like to go on record as saying that the last thing this article needs is for you to put another quote on it. One was just fine, two were alright, three is pushing it, but four will certainly bog down the rest. And for that it will be deleted.

Please, for the love of Xenu, stop fucking up the first paragraph. --Imrealized 03:14, 27 April 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Whitewashing

Wow... somebody really whitewashed this article, didn't they? Don't you love it when people whitewash an article under the excuse that it's not funny? Why is it these people never sign their names on the discussion lists and only have an IP address for the edit logs? Is it that we are getting the same "Attack of the P.R. People" that other websites are getting? --Jester 16:18, 3 May 2006 (UTC)

Wow... many people whitewashed this article because a rewrite tag was placed on it because it wasn't funny. And now it's not funny again. And who the farth removed a VFP picture and replaced it with their own inferior version? Hmm, curious activities indeed. --Imrealized 02:39, 4 May 2006 (UTC)
- I see that you removed most of the the gay references. Do you want to make another curious comment? I realize that you seem to have a love affair with your highly touted first paragraph, but, c`mon! --Jester 04:16, 4 May 2006 (UTC)
  - No love affair here, Fester... just a sense of humour. The whole Tom Cruise as President thing is just not funny. Or it's not written funnily. And this article was rewrite tagged, which means that others agree with me. Then you just layed low and waited until the rewrite tag was removed to revert the suckiness. I am not the one removing gay references and if you had skill at recognizing subtlety you'd realize that. --Imrealized 11:49, 4 May 2006 (UTC)

[edit] California Whitewashing

67.161.46.197 (yes, another California IP!) has been banned for about a week for removing other people's edits, including systematically removing the "gay" references (again!). Bad, bad, bad! --Jester 02:42, 16 May 2006 (UTC)

I'm sick and tired of this. Article is temporarily semiprotected. Whoever's doing the whitewashing, please impale your brain with a rusty nail. —Hinoa KUN (talk) 02:55, 16 May 2006 (UTC)

I know I just committed a travesty by cleaning up this article, but I do not understand the humour in the "not gay" thing. IMHO there are so many more subtle and hence, more funny, ways of conveying this sentiment. I, as you can clearly see above, am only against these blurbs in the portion that I contributed, which has many gay references already (Meatlover, beard collector, felching, ongoing anal injury, etc.) and these continuous "he's not gay" things really disrupt the flow of the sentences they were added to (I'm all about Sentence Feng Shui). I suppose I'm failing to see why this need be a revert war as far as this is concerned, as there is clearly a whole lot of article where any number of "Tom Cruise is not gay" thingies can be inserted (*snicker* insert those thingies elsewhere). Jester, please don't take it personally or think it a critique of your writing skills as a whole and, just to be completely clear on the matter, I have never even been to California and I find Tom Cruise utterly annoying. Also, who is Peter Facinelli and why should he be mentioned in this article? I've never heard of him so's I thought it may be vanity, hence it's deletion. If this is someone famous who should be mentioned but I'm just too ignorant of the fact (could be) I apologize, though I still think maybe that would be better suited elsewhere also, too (forthwith). --Imrealized 05:06, 25 May 2006 (UTC)

This is hilarious.. I don't know of any Celebrity who gets made fun of more than Tom Cruise!! this is too funny!!

I know! Who is the comic genius who created the "Tom Cruise is an actress line?". That's like sooo funny, like the time someone said the sky is green or eggs are square. I wish I could come up with such zingers.

[edit] Re: Overdone gay jokes

Yup, it's me again. The whitewasher. And yes, I impaled my brain with a rusty nail. You get used to being dead after a while. Anyway, it seems someone is fucking up the order of the sentances with gay jokes again. And replaced all instances of Katie Holmes with Lance Bass, which makes zero sense because the pictures of him with Katie are still there. Could someone bring Katie back and/or remove all the "not gay" jokes that are in every other sentence?

[edit] A paragraph in "Education" was written by a genuine retard?

Now, I found the article quite funny and even clever for the most parts, but there was a paragraph, which caught my eye really badly and since you have made it impossible to edit the article, I shall throw the ball at you. "When cruise was in middle school he lived in Africa and was taught by a monkey for 1 year until young Tom went home one day with a bruise on is arm and was taking out of the school. Tom's mom sued the monkey for abuse on Tom.They went to court and Tom's mother one the case of 800 thousound dollars. This is how Tom's career realy started." I have had blisters with more intelligence than the writer of this paragraph obviously has! I'm not a native English speaker, but reading this kind of grammar is just as much fun as being stabbed is, which generally isn't considered to be that much fun, is it? I'm not sure why you have locked the topic, but since I can't make it to go away by rewriting it, I suggest that someone with the appropriate rights would do it for good. There's a huge difference in between being stupid, merely funny, funny, and funny with style. So far the writer of the paragraph seems just stupid, even though with good writing and grammar the text itself could be even merely funny. Me? I'm just an old fart from Finland, loving the art of nagging about those teens, who just can't write.

Thanks for sending up the alert. This happens to be the sort of article people give up on, due to its high profile and the fact that no one's thought of anything great to do with it; for Uncyclopedia's best work (so you don't think we're all like that), see Best of. — Lenoxus 21:57, 16 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Locked?

Is this entry locked for editing? I can't seem to find a way to edit it, at any rate.

I wanted to add this image:

--Tharfagreinir 12:31, 12 December 2006 (UTC)

I assume that you're new here, because the page is semiprotected, and you have a user account, and so on. Wait 3-4 days, and you'll be able to edit. —Sir Major Hinoa [TALK] [KUN] [12:36, 12 December 2006 (UTC)]

[edit] which picture is better?

[[or Stimpy9337 04:22, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] someone should add this too...

<img src="http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/6244/funnygifavatardm4.gif" border="0" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us"/></a>
Shot at 2007-06-26

[edit] Picture

Someone should add this picture, it's Tom's true form:

http://uncyclopedia.org/images/9/94/Frinkosig.png 00:04, 28 June 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yo

Someone should add 'information' on past incidents of assassination attempts on Tom Cruise with a cruise missile. The acts were believed to be perpetrated by somebody.

[edit] I can Fly

AHAHAH..... i can fly!

[edit] I have poop

Actually I don't, but Nicole Kidman told me that she is most relieved that Tom has left because she no longer has to check her shoes to see if Tom is sleeping in them prior to putting them on. "No one likes a Tom Cruise being smushed into your toes first thing in the morning, it's soft and wet and you can never really get rid of the stickiness!" she told me. fr33kman ^{t - c} 18:28, 20 September 2008 (UTC)

[edit] interwiki

~~Please add cs:Tom Cruise. --147.231.23.163 14:33, 5 February 2009 (UTC)~~ Fixed. --Karkos 14:35, 5 February 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Need to edit line about Top Gun 2.0

Add this: kelly McGillis reprises her role as Toms long-lost sister, who definetly IS gay.