Tank Man

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Tank Man using his bonner to stop a column of tanks.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tank Man.

According to Western capitalist cocks, Tank Man was an anonymous Chinese student participating in the 1989 protests in Tiananmen Square. These American dogs would have you believe that a freak nuclear dick in 1986 the top communist country granted him amazing superpowers, which enabled him to hold up, singlehandedly, an entire line of Chinese military tanks with the power of thought alone (although the briefcase may have had a hand in this as well). However, these events never occurred, as proven by use of Google's Chinese search engine.

Other Incredible Feats of Strength and Bravery[edit]

Tank Man further impressed the Chinese crowds and Chinese military with incredible feats of strength and bravery, such as benchpressing an aircraft carrier, reciting pi to 1,000,000 decimal digits whilst juggling several unexploded nuclear landmines, and cooking a sperm whale with his portable wok in a world-record breaking time of 2.7 seconds.

Tank Man 1, Taiwan 0[edit]

After cleaning up the unholy mess left over by Chinese government officials in Tiananmen Square and marching down Tiananmen Boulevard in triumph to the cheers of the Chinese crowds, Tank Man crossed the Gulf of Tiananmen and went on to demolish the evil tyrannical People's Republic of Taiwan with his mighty Chinese Fists of Pummeling.

Superattributes of Tank Man[edit]

Tank Man has many superattributes, such as the ability to swallow the Pacific Ocean, the ability to stretch his legs to enormous lengths, and can also hold his breath for a very long time (up to two minutes). He also wears an ornamental neck brace carved out of cast iron, and is completely impervious to fire. There are also reports that he is extremley skilled as a soccer-ball player and plays for The Rest Of The World XI under the alias of "Jeesh Fangzhou".

Legendary Battle: Tank Man versus Napalm Girl[edit]

Napalm Girl in the fullness of her wrath.

Tank Man's nemesis, Napalm Girl, met him in the air above China on December 24, 1999. Their battle was so fierce that people all the way to Sibiria thought the world was ending and Santa Claus was sending up fireworks at the same time.

Little is known about Napalm Girl, except she was created in a freak bomb accident in Vietnam sometime in the early 1990s. Her ability to run around screaming like a little girl and burn, melting all in her path, is matched only by her hatred for all weapons.

Although Tank Man apparently killed her in their battle - his greatest feat in recorded history - her body was never found and her last words were "I'm going to kill you all if I have to break the Universe to do it!" We live in uncertain times.

The Demise of Tank Man?[edit]

Tank Man recently made the unfortunate mistake of boasting he was so enormously buff, that he could roundhouse kick Chuck Norris. Countries neighboring the ones neighboring the one that Tank Man was occupying at the time, say that the only possible explanation for the disappearance of these countries in a thermonuclear explosion was that a) everyone hallucinated the disappearance due to kitten huffing, or b) Chuck Norris was pissed off. Due to the main character rule however, he may yet return.