Team Fortress 2
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| Team Fortress 2 | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Valve |
| Release Date | 6th June 2006 |
| Genre | Source-based Valve-made RPG |
| Platforms | PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii2 |
| Rating | xXx |
| Would The Doctor play it? | {{{O-Wilde}}} |
“Spy's sappin' mah dick! ”
~ An Engineer on a really embarrassing situation
“Sentry's sappin' mah Spy! ”
~ A Backwards Engineer on the loss of his beloved mother
“Erectin' a dispenser! ”
~ An Engineer on compensating for something
“Tryin' to Erect ma Penis! ”
~ You on viagra
“Want a second opinion? YOU ARE ALSO UGLY! ”
~ Medic on your mom
“They are only capable of taking burly men on from behind? Kinda suspect if you ask me.”
~ The Sniper on Spies
“FMY EEGHHGK!”
~ A Pyro on burning everyone and everything
“The medic's a spy!”
~ Sniper on Medic being a spy even though he is the spy
Team Fortress 2 is a ground-breaking MMORPG video game, using a graphics engine devised by the same artists who sketched for The Flintstones. It uses its nine distinct races and variety of conquerable worlds to create a unique playing style ideally suited for everyone from 9 to 99, excepting Hitler. Available for play in either a variety of online competitive modes or in single-player story mode, Team Fortress 2 (affectionately known to its players as TF2, TeffDub or Steve) is the story of two rival teams, RED (Rear End Drillers) and BLU (Boy Lovers United), as they fight to control the fate of the universe through a Velcro briefcase and some shiny spots on the ground.
The game was released as a part of the "Red box", after a development cycle of over nine thousand years. The long wait for the game's release was due to Valve's decision to avoid problems of coding and source engine work by actually creating the game in a laboratory from a vat of electrified primordial (chicken noodle) soup and then allowing it to evolve freely on its own.
[edit] Gamemodes
- Auto balance
Message displayed when you are auto-balanced.
This is a highly popular gamemode. It is played just like a regular game, but just as your team is capturing the last point, you are spawned on the other team, and you lose.
- Disco
Both teams must try and capture all of the five discos on the level. These discos are represented by a dance floor with a silver dome above it. Players capture them by boogieing down while standing on the dome. The ownership of a disco is determined by the presence of a team colored pair of platform shoes. To capture a disco owned by the other team, the player must put on the team colored platform shoes and attempt to dance. The player's progress is hindered by opposing players attempting to steal the shoes, and if there is someone playing the Jesus class, the Jesus may attempt to cleanse the shoes. This not only sends the shoes to heaven, but turns them white, making the disco owned by Jesus. Any player unlucky enough to be standing in the shoes when they are cleansed, will be vaporised.
- Capture the Flog
Contrary to what its name suggests, The "Flog" (also known as the "Intel") is actually a Zero Halliburton briefcase clumsily spray-painted in something more-or-less approximating it's respective team's appropriate color (RED's is actually orange, and BLU's is lime green with pink polka-dots) and equipped with a predatory form of Velcro which viciously attaches itself to the back of any player foolhardy enough to venture within a half-map radius of it. A player afflicted with a case of "the intels" cannot rid himself of the parasitic briefcase until he locates his own team's briefcase and performs a ritual dance precisely 5.2 feet away from it, at which point the briefcases will lock on to each other and mate.
- Arena
In this gamemode, analogous to PVP in other games, players find themselves locked in a shower stall with a member of the opposite team, with no respawn, no healthpacks and only limited access to additional ammunition. The match is won either by successfully defeating the opponent in hand-to-hard-on combat or by being the last one to avoid dropping the soap.
- Storymode
This single-player mode, modeled after popular Japanese dating sims, allows the player to experience a cinematic storyline either as a RED or a BLU, assisting his teammates in defending their base, taking over the enemy base, and pursuing romantic attachments with the character of his choice.
- Need a dispenser here!
Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Medic!
- Spy Crabs
In this gamemode, RED team tries to kill all the BLU spy crabs whilst BLU team tries to find a phone to call PETA.
- RAGE-QUITTING!
In this gamemode you get spawn camped by the Kiltnegro for so long that you spasmodically press alt+F4 whilst yelling and/or raging at your computer monitor.
[edit] Playable Races
[edit] Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel is the meanest Mo-Fo in the entire game, an indestructable mass of muscle and black gangster insults. He is, however, vulnerable to the Pyro's sexy body and the medic's surplus of drugs and can usually be found trying to mount both races regardless of team without the player's consent and control, and always loses his team the game. He is also strangely attracted to his chaingun and recent leaked videos on youtube show him performing explicit S&M acts with it.
[edit] The Fatty (Civilian)
The Fatty is a large Communist with a taste for referance poses and a punch that defies physics. Despite his intimidating size and mingebag pose (See War of the Servers), the Fatty has a heart of 0x00000001, heavily clogged with vast amounts of 0x0000000F and love. Found moving slowly and serving no purpose. May be found with spycrabs.
SPOILER: During the later stages of the Story Mode, any NPC version of the Fatty present in the game world will unavoidably begin attempting to romance a large gun, which he will refer to as either "Sasha" or "Natasha", depending on the time of day. He may, at random times, walk up to you and ask you to identify who touched his gun recently. In the final dramatic scene of the Fatty NPC's life, he will ask the gun to "kiss" him and, when the gun does not do so, attempt to instigate the action himself. He will "kiss" the gun, and not a light peck on the casing either - this is full tongue-down-barrel action we're talking about here. Tragically, he will invariably go too far and step on the gun's trigger, thus turning his head into a fine red mist. (This usually makes the Dingo very angry as this was the ultimate goal he strove for throughout the preceding portions of the game.)
[edit] The Nazi
As far as his teammates are aware, he is a doctor. Much fonder of ze hurting than ze healing and possessing both large, readily snappable latex gloves and a predatory smile that leaves no doubt as to the fact that he is quite aware of the implications thereof, he is nevertheless devoted to his teammates and a tender lover to the Fatty.
[edit] The Kiltnegro
A cycloptic alcoholic with a hidden pain that fills his soul and can only be assuaged by the bottle or by blowing shit right the hell up me bonnie laddie. His lack of depth perception is more than made up for by the fact that he can basically get away with just spamming 'nades everywhere with a wish and a prayer.
[edit] The Fireman (also known as w + mouse1)
A Korean War veteran and former head chef at a pricey New York City restaurant (as revealed in the backstory in Story Mode), the Fireman suffered horrific burns over 95% of his body as a result of a tragic accident involving three cats, a broken step ladder, and an attempt to create the world's largest crême brulée. He now has a pathological obsession with fire, using the oversized brulée torch he'd created for the giant dessert to set his enemies alight, and an equally pathological hatred of all things French, hence his rivalry with the Spay.
The Pyro makes an appearance in Left 4 dead 3, as one of the four new characters.
[edit] The Spah\Spay
A blatant rip-off of either Arsène Lupin or his fictitious weeaboo grandson Lupin III, the Spay is a natty kleptomaniac Frenchman (or possibly cross-dressing Frenchwoman, given his delicate physique). It seems that the spy is frequently mistaken for a incredibly rare species of animal, the spycrab. Rumors that the spycrab has been seen in various places around the world have been unconfirmed.
Various things that the spah\spay can nick:
Spah Sappin' Mah:
- Sentries
- Sentras
- Teleporters
- Dispensers
- Castles
- Cake
- CAEK!¿!
- Pies
- Spies
- Lies
- Bill nye
- Maple Trees
- Sandviches
- Hoedowns
- Steam Accounts
- Ladies
- Spaceships
- Penis
- The Scooter's Mom
[edit] The Rocket Man
Always hiiiii-iiii-iigh as a kite. The only thing the Rocket Man loves more than his shovel is blowing his own feet off in attempts to make like Icarus. Many people think Valve stole the idea for this character off one of Elton John's songs but this has since been dis-proved due to an exchange of large ammounts of money. The Rocket man, while easily romanced in story mode, sometimes explosivly mis-understands a situation. The Rocket man shares a similar bird eating habit as the Kiltnegro due to the fact he can blast himself 1.61 gigameters into the sky causing minimal damage to himself.
[edit] Bob The Builder / Jimm (Gordan Freechman's cow-orker)
Bob is a shotgun-toting heavily armored laborer who can build a variety of objects including sentry guns, which pro gamers like to build right outside of the spawn point during 2v2 matches because they don't believe in letting people have fun, teleporters, which spin really fast and make pretty sparkles go into the air surrounding anyone who wears correct clothing and dispensers to feed enemy spays\spahs. His only weakness is that he can only solve practical problems, failing miserably when he attempts to solve problems that fall within the purview of conundrums of philosophy.
[edit] The Scooter
This is one of the smallest classes, making him one of the ingredients of Fatties sandwich. Driven insane by fear, they always use their Aluminum Sticks of Pain™ on their enemies. BOINK Their speed allows them to reach 88 Miles per hour, thus they are able to kill their enemy before they themselves are born. This causes time paradoxes, which can only be stopped by the Jesus class. In recent patch, this has been fixed, only causing death to the victim, destroying their entire mark in the universe and time. This operation is perfectly safe to the Scooter. BOINK
UPDATE: Valve has recently released an update which, along with adding cp_iraq_final and arena_perv_tower to the game's official maps, adds 3 new weapons to the scooter's arsenal and a bazillion achievements to get said weapons.
SPOILER: The first weapon is the FOACE-A-NAYCHA which blast all characters a bazillion miles away. To compensate for the mild overpower this gives the scooter, the reload time is usually half a day depending on current diet and female members on the current team with voice chat. The second weapon is the Candyman, a cursed baseball bat that affects the health of the scooter when worn. This weapon comes with a substitute for the fatty's new sandvich, a jawbreaker. This stuns whoever it hits and is consequently digested depending on hardness. The last weapon is crack, speed or whatever the now orgasmic announcer ("First blood. That was fast") gives the scooter on spawn. This makes the scooter unable to use a weapon and gives him a Donnie Darko blurry thing and makes him invincible. After about a second, he becomes wasted and commits suicide. Valve hasn't released a "Shag the ..." class movie with this update.
[edit] The Dingo
The originally-planned "Sniper" class was cancelled during production as he bore too much resemblence to the late Steve Irwin, and the Dingo introduced as a late-season replacement despite a relatively low RBI and high incidence of eating babies in the outback. Have a bloomin' onion, mate.
Note:There has been references to the return of the "Sniper" class. THis is possibly a lie, although knowing the creators of the game, it is simply a slowly moving truth. Please be aware that this may or may not be related to any changes, nerf, and Australians who seem to be reliable at the time.
[edit] The Jesus
An unlockable but unromanceable class in storymode only. His character and skills slightly, but not quite, resemble those of someone entirely unlike Jesus *SPOILER* He dies at the end.
[edit] The Stalin
The final boss of story mode. Easy to kill at first but then turns into ultramegastalin who spews the fatty class and sprays communism, making him truely fearful. When deafeated the Jesus class is unlocked. The spay\spah can disguise as ultramegastalin's left index finger.
[edit] The Noob
As the noob, your main aim is to spam sappers, hold the intel for no reason, block the spawn(s) and spam your mic. The spy crab will try to make friends with the noob as they appear to be cousins, except for their look and pose.
[edit] The Spy Checker
The spy checker is the only way a noob can actually be useful in this game. Anyone who plays as the spychecker basically pressing w + m1 (which is nerd code for jacking off).
