|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
“Ride or die, niggaz!”
“They didn't call us the rough riders for nothing”
“Ain't no thang!”
“Walk softly and carry a big stick”
“That's a big stick”
“Mine is bigger”
“Teddy's does more DPS”
Teddy "Tenacious D" Roosevelt was a former president of the United States, the only man cloned and sold as a stuffed animal to become president, and loved nothing more than articles written about his kickass person. Bully!He was a very FAT man. A very FAT man indeed. It has also been reported that he f***** farm animals. Believe.
He has a toupe on his face.
BeginningsPaco Lebroski was born to Jaun Lebroski, and his partner, Russell Crow. They soon changed his name to Teddy Roosevelt, because it was easy to tell he was an illegal immigrant. Roosevelt began his exciting and psychedelic life in a sleepy Midwestern town known as Teddytown. Teddytown is home to all people named Teddy in America. A resident of Teddytown is known as a "Teddy". Teddytown is also the world's leading producer of Teddy bears, or "Teddies" as the Teddies call them. Surprisingly, Teddies are the leading export of Teddytown, closely followed by Teddies. Teddytown is the only town in America whose leading export is its population and whose second leading export is children's toys. Teddies are very fond of their teddies and the teddies feel likewise about their master teddies. Despite the excessive repetition encountered regarding everything "Teddytown", the citizens manage to maintain a profound respect for originality, and cucumbers, and are constantly coming up with new and exciting ways to sell teddy bears... as if it really friggin' matters.
As a child Teddy Roosevelt had debilitating asthma that prevented him from performing many activities. Thankfully he beat asthma to death and then ran 100 miles off of the energy it gave him.
He left Teddytown quite early in life, roaming the country with his big blue ox "Babe", planting colleges with each swoop of his mighty ax. After reaching manhood at an earlier age than expected, Teddy enrolled at the Virginia Military Institute as a part of the class of 1887. After graduating and spending a year destroying minor countries, he then conquered and subjugated the Martians on May 1st, 1889, a day that would forever be known as "Flag Day". Driven to distraction by the Martians love of dub reggae, he put them all to work creating rubberized boot soles. His brutal mastery would cause them all to develop long-lasting allergies to Walter Konkite and cause them all to die of cholera. Saddened over the loss of his Martian-based sole business, he turned to decorative wood-turning and singing.
Teddy began his singing career in the midst of America's "Pansy Age". During this time the general populace was feeling quite wishy-washy, and was susceptible to even slight emotional appeal, the result being that his "Roose-svelte" songs caused hundreds to faint in every theater he played in, and caused many gussets to become jolly damp. This wild success ran out on Teddy when the bullying nation of Germany called America "a bunch of pussies" and stole our lunch money. America's population, by now besotted with Teddy's manliness, and his peculiar underarm odor, decided to take a more Teddy-esque view upon life.
Teddy, or Tenacious D as his friends knew him, then embarked upon his life's masterwork by growing a humongous mustache. Tenacious D, always a fan of the Spaniards, referred to his mustache as a bigot - the Spanish word for mustache. Tenacious D and his bigot became a world-wide symbol of manliness, and of the true American Spirit. Thereafter. men, women and children throughout America began developing, harvesting and exporting bigots.
Leading By Example
Master Roosevelt has always been (and will remain) one of the great American sportsmen. He commonly hunted deer, coyotes, and every single motherfucking elephant in North America, resulting in their extinction. One of his most well known hunting escapades was in his early twenties (during the flagrant mustache period) when one day he and his hunting partner Master Chief were laying slaughter to the godless, though cuddly, killing machines known as bears. As they rumbled on through the woodland, a group of grizzlies made the last mistake of their lives by attacking the grandiose Mr. Roosevelt.
Teddy Roosevelt decimated them, their families, and simultaneously conquered the greater part of France. Seeing the carnage, Duke Nukem wet himself, and ran off to hide in the video game world forever. At that instant, T.R. spotted a single bear cub on the ground, trying to summon a Level 3 Runescape punk. Realizing what had to be done, the majestic Theodore tore the head off the runt and consumed its innards with a dash of paprika, thus giving him the name Theodore "(Supreme Obliterator of the) Teddy " Roosevelt.
Such examples of greatness would prove vital later on, when Teddy decided to rule America.
It should be noted that during his many blood-thirsty rollicks, Roosevelt often chased after his prey on foot and went for the trachea with his bare teeth. In order to create a semblance that good ol' Teddy was indeed "human," the blood and gore was cleaned from his mouth and he was posed with lesser weapons, such as high caliber rifles or knives as large as your thigh.
After gaining this popularity Tenacious D decided to drop his musical career and his gigolo career and entered a life of politics.
He was elected president in a landslide victory. This, of course, was the biggest landslide victory in American History for the sole fact that Tenacious D killed his opponent with a physical landslide, that he, himself, created with the help of some TNT. The next year the TNT community received a generous grant from the federal government. Currently, Tenacious D is the only president to win an election by murdering his opponent with a man-induced landslide.
Tenacious D soon became known as the most hardcore of the American Presidents. He was known for his self-destructive antics, such as charging up San Juan Hill in Cuba not for military reasons, but rather for the "rush" he felt. Tenacious D also became the first president on record to sky dive on a unicycle over a volcano while in a coma. Once He had his aides shoot him before a speech in 1912, just to show to the crowd how hardcore he was. He also severely disabled his nephew, Frankie, after stage-diving onto him after an opiate-induced impromptu speech on top of the White House. To spare the family embarrassment, the disability was blamed on polio (Note: game played with horses). Nowadays, experts would label Tenacious D as emo because he found enjoyment in pain and suffering. Currently, Tenacious D is the only emo president on record.
As President, Roosevelt acknowledged the influence Germany had on him in his early life so, in his infinite manliness, he vowed to swim the very cold Atlantic Ocean to Europe and then run to Germany from the beaches of France. He did so in record time, killing rapper Franz Ferdinand in the process. Tenacious D, in all his manliness, hid behind his mustache, and blamed it on a foreigner.
At night, Tenacious D would sleep in a bathtub full of oil of vitriol to perk up his loins. This is how he became known for his "Big Stick" diplomacy.
This Big Stick Diplomacy became a common tool which Roosevelt used. It was when he pulled out his d*ck and hit people with it. Eventually it got chopped off; this is why he lost the presidency to Mac Daddy Wilson resulting in Roosevelt turning into a Bull-Moose. In the aftermath of loosing his beloved "Big Stick," Tenacious D revised his diplomatic stand-point to an even more awesome and terrifying revelation. During the short lived Bull-Moose campaign he claimed that carrying a "Big Stick" wasn't enough anymore. Rather, it was better to "Speak Softly and Carry a Cane Sword." While the majesty and power of this statement gripped the hearts and minds of the American population, it wasn't enough to carry the Bull-Moose party into the big leagues.
Teddy Roosevelt is credited with stopping the Japanese-Russo war by traveling to Japan and threatening to use his "big stick" on both Japan and Russia, at which point, both countries ceased hostilities immediately. Neither has bothered us since - except possibly via the massive import of adult rated anime in recent years.
Relationship with Taft
TR was good friends with William Howard Taft. TR got Taft elected in 1908. However, TR uncovered Taft's secret passion for DMX and HIS Rough Riders. This put TR through the fucking roof. He created a new party called the Bull-Moose, while he claimed it was symbolic of his ruggedness, it was really a jab a Taft's grotesque body weight. In an attempt to starve Taft to death, Teddy passed the Pure food and drug act, but this only forced Taft to subsist on eating large corporate trusts. Taft had TR over for Thanksgiving dinner the following year and proceeded to eat him alive. It was then that TR ripped out Taft's heart and then buried his body in A Giant Supermarket.
Relationship with Professors
Subsequent to his initial success as a big game hunter (see "Leading by Example," above), TR found himself becoming increasingly depressed at the lack of huge motherfucking bastards to blow (holes in.) Therefore, he sat on half of a lecture on quantum physics at MIT and used his new found erection to impregnate the professor.
This professor-fucking policy led to some controversy, as his favourite target was the Physics Professor. Although these people were extremely large and equipped with razor-sharp teeth which made them dangerous predators, they were also huge nerds, which meant they could be easily distracted with a shout of "LOOK, A D&D MATCH!" and raped . Roosevelt's detractors claimed that because of this, TR was not giving them a fair fight. Teddy responded by crushing the claimants with his "Big Stick"
Post-Presidency and Death
After his term ended, Tenacious D went on to many adventures, such as defeating a lion in hand-to-hand combat, forming the Devil's Tower National Monument, and launching on a massive antitout campaign, on which he founded notable human-protection group Troutbusters. The highlight of his later years came when he was the top contender for the starring role for the 1927 film The Jazz Singer, only to meet with bitter disappointment when he lost it to Al Jolson, that reekin' bastard!
In early 1923, TR took out his Big Stick and beat Cascius Clay repeatedly over the head and told him to change his name to Barack Hussein Obama.
He died in Piscataway, New Jersey, at the age of 60, when he got bored of life, and let death kill him in his sleep.
The Roosevelt Legacy
Presidential historians continue to debate as to whether Teddy Roosevelt or Andrew Jackson should be awarded the status of Most Badass Chief Executive. The men's performances as measured by the standard criteria of Genociding of Native Peoples, Overt Racism, Gratuitous Militarism, and Chugging Contests are virtually indistinguishable. Jackson, of course, founded Jacksonville, Florida. Tenacious D on the other hand dug the Panama Canal by hand. Noted historian Stephen Ambrose proposed settling the matter over a game of Yahtzee one night, but no one wanted to play with him. He played online backgammon instead, but ended up losing every game, including a game to the Bubonic Plague.
|President of the United States
William Howard Taft
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