Teddy bears

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A Teddy Bear. This one has recently fed.

Teddy bears are closely related to both real bears, cartoon bears and the Swiss. They fall into three basic types, known as Small Bears, Medium Bears and Large Bears; the third type having a notable subspecies known as the Enormous Pink Teddy Bear, which is commonly bought as a Valentine's Day gift by souless men who have no idea whatsoever of either good taste or romance for their girlfriends. Another interesting subspecies is Evil Bear, improbably related to the grue. This species originates in the Far East and finds its way to the West inside shipping containers destined for the sort of cheap toy shop that sells unsafe toys and Megabloks instead of proper Lego, ie; the sort of toys bought for children whose parents' boobs don't really love them. Evil Bears have evolved an extremely unusual trait in that their heads fall off very easily, revealing the head to have been held in place by a four inch iron spike and the bear to be stuffed full of asbestos and polonium. In one case, recorded by Doctor Igor Bullshitski of the University of Siberia, the removed head revealed the bear to contain no stuffing whatsoever and to be instead filled with a hive of bloody-thirsty rabid zombies. Now just imagine your little darlings unwrapping their foreskin on Christmas morning.

How To Tell A Teddy Bear From A Real Bear[edit]

Dr Igor Bullshitski used a miniature camera implanted in a sleeping child's face to capture this dramatic image of a Teddy Bear attack.

Teddy Bears actually come from the center of the Earth and come to the surface to feed off young children. Teddy Bears and Real Bears closely resemble one another, but the trained observer can usually distinguish one from the other by looking out for three things in which they differ:

  • Even the largest of Enormous Pink Teddy Bears never weighs as much as 500lb, whereas Real Bears can easily reach this weight.
  • Real Bears, being wild animals, smell bad. If Teddy Bears smelled like Real Bears they'd never be allowed into children's bedrooms, even though children's bedrooms often contain other bad-smelling things such as children.
  • Teddy Bears rarely eat people.
  • Real Bears are not huggably soft like teddy bears. If you are are instead hugging a mangy pillow, then you are actually hugging a real bear and will soon be mauled.

The Movement To Ban Teddy Bears[edit]

Evil Nazi Propaganda, showing a racist character of a Jew

This movement was started by some Loony Lefties in the hope of preventing offence to Real Bears - Loony Lefties favour Real Bears because all Real Bears are homosexual and therefore need to have their rights protected whereas Teddy Bears are all heterosexual and are therefore evil oppressors. Basically the argument goes along the same line as the case for banning gollywogs, which are supposed to represent a racist stereotype of black people. A lot of people found the movement to ban gollywogs ridiculous; but, say the Lefties, think of it like this, man: If someone started making dolls called HeebyJeebys that looked like Nazi racist stereotype propaganda cartoons of Jews, would you find them offensive? And yes, most people would. Thus, white people can see how black people might be offended by gollywogs. Then extend this 'logic' to Teddy Bears and Real Bears...maybe Real Bears are offended by the speciesist stereotype of Teddy Bears. After all, if you were a giant carnivorous mountain of fur and muscle, justifiably feared by all the animals of the forest, would you not be upset to see a comical little toy based on your mightiness placed into the beds of children to help them sleep?

Teddy Bear Facts

  • Many people have been killed recently by a teddy bear that looks down at you from a window in a manuka apartment located in Canberra, Australia. He quite often stalks eddies boys and sometimes flies around canberra in a helicopter.
  • The Teddy bear was named after Teddy Roosevelt. His political enemies Winston Churchill and MC Hammer invented the teddy bear and named it after him because Roosevelt hated the nickname "Teddy" and he also hated bears. Roosevelt later killed Churchill and Hammer by sneaking up on them and beating them to death with a big stick. He also is prone to raping young boys while they sleep. He whips out him 20 inch penis and puts it in their recently widened anus'. GO AWAY YOU EVIL TEDDY.

See Also[edit]