Teen Pop

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Teen Pop (often given a stupid, unimaginative, derogatory moniker such as Teen Poop) is allegedly a genre of music that primarily consists of high-pitched, upbeat synthesizer tunes (often with a completely unnecesary rap bridge near the middle of the song) and high-pitched, upbeat, auto-tuned vocals. Teen pop has reached endemic levels of popularity due to the increase in children over the 20th century, the increase in children wanting to have some kind of messed-up materialist "culture" of their own over the 20th century (and ever since), and male humans who hate the music (mostly because it's bad, but more often then not because it's popular) who whine and post rants on the Internet, thus inadverdently making it even more popular.

It has also been clinically proven to turn male mice homosexual, when exposed in large amounts. It made the the female mice squeel really loud.

Common Themes (or Overused Formulas)[edit]

90% of teen pop songs consist of high-pitched, upbeat synthesizer tunes and high-pitched, upbeat, auto-tuned vocals. Teen pop songs often have an unnecesary rap bridge near the middle of the song. Most teen pop songs are less than the attention span of a seven-year-old girl in length, meaning the vast majority of teen pop songs are usually about 1 minute long. Almost no teen pop songs have an original beat, and typically use the same exact "boom-boom tap, boom-boom-boom tap" beat popularized by Grandmaster Flash in the 1970s. All teen pop songs have the distinction of being inexplicibally bad. They are also extremely popular, due to the fact that the world (if not America) is being slowly taken over by children. They are often overused on radios, news networks, and other sources prone to brainwashing.

As for lyrics, teen pop songs are usually about puppy love or partying. Sometimes they are about driving cars, other times they can be about flying, and other themes include money, gawking over how attractive a woman's butt is, or filled with extreme sexual innuendo. Another fairly common theme is blatantly meaningless gobbledygook. To date, the only politics ever touched on by a teen pop song is abortion (the message was pro-life).


Teen Pop, like basically everything else in the world, can somehow be traced back to ancient Egypt. At first, teen pop had a premise: a laid-back, fun, beat-driven abomination that teenagers could listen to. Eventually, this evolved (or, rather, degenerated) into teen pop as it is today. Teen pop had a fairly straightforward history. It's always been the ear rape it is now.

Teen pop has no historical signifigance, although it obviously has been accused of bieng the cause of many American national tragedies, including the Oklahoma City Bombing, 9/11, and the election of George Dubya Bush. These arguments have no reasoning behind them and are (hopefully) false, but the people on the Internet who said it are doctors, so I'm not allowed to say they're wrong.

Common (i.e. Overused) Teen Pop Idol Images[edit]

The music sung by teen pop idols and said idol's public image are often 2 completely different things. Males who sing teen pop (such as Justin Bieber or Ke$ha) often take up a "gansta" image, i.e. acting like an uneducated drug-addled degenerate (though often times these teen idols are drug-addled) that won't amount to anything in life, thus unlike most Americans ("most" bieng about 52%), subsequently making them "rebellious", and therefore making them (at least in the eyes of children) "hip" and "neat-o".

Females who sing teen pop (such as Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga) often act like slutty hos, allowing backup dancers to grope their bodies (primarily legs and often breasts), pole dancing, wearing little or no clothing, or, if they are wearing clothes, tearing them off, stripping nude, and throwing the garments into the audience to be added to the individual's personal shrine. This is ironic, since they sing about puppy love, kissing, hugging, embracing, kissing, breaking up, kissing, kissing, and kissing, and yet they act like they would much rather skip the "relationship" stuff and go straight to the sex.

Both genders have something in common, though: they all practise brainwashing, such as constantly promoting their latest album, using made-up words that include their own name in them, and constantly causing contraversy (though this practise is more common among females) in order to be in the public eye at all times. It seems this brainwashing works, as teen pop is currently the most talked-about thing in the solar system.

[For more in formation on brainwashing, see Scientology. Or just see the actual brainwashing page...]

Ever since the official video for "Baby" by Justin Bieber was filmed, bowling alleys have become synonymous with teen pop. Many recent music videos take place in bowling alleys, many teen movies have major (and predictable) plot "twists" take place in bowling alleys, and entire teen movies themselves have taken place in bowling alleys. An unfortunate side-effect is that bowling alleys now primarily play teen pop on their speakers.

To get a better idea of what modern society is and how it reacts to certain things, watch the movie Boyz in da Hood (2047 Michael Bay remake).

Impact and Legacy[edit]

Nothing positive, if that's what you mean.

Critisism and Contraversy[edit]

Don't even make me go there.

Health Risks[edit]

Teen pop has been known to cause severe side effects in males, including vomiting, seziures, temporary blindness, having the sudden urge to commit a lewd act of sorts, and unconciousness. It is unknown whether these symptoms are real, or brought on by some wierd psychosociopoliticalistic mumbo-jumbo, similar to drinking sugar water that magically cures cancer and AIDS and all that other wierd stuff. Nevertheless, doctors recommend refraining from teen pop (which basically means not going outside) for 24 hours, and listening to good music for a change. This is how many people are introduced to Coldplay and Muse. It seems most females between the ages of 6 and 12 are immune to immediate symptoms of teen pop overdose, although they have been known to suffer long-term brain damage.

They have also been known to become permanently brainwashed, such as becoming socialist, pro-life, anti-capital punishment, anti-war, just plain unintelligent, and completely disregarding anything that does not have to do with what is in their current field of vision. Some males are gifted with an immunity to teen pop. These males simply ignore the abomination, rather than spend their lives trying to destroy it.

Teen Pop-Related Violence[edit]

Teen pop has sparked violence in many youths, both pro-teen pop and anti-teen pop. Two full out wars are currently going on between opposing factions in the less-policed areas of New York City and Los Angeles. And, in true American fashion, the parents of these children are engaging in violent conflict and unrest in Iraq. It is unknown who is winning, and of course the government is making no progress trying to end the unrest and playing the part of "the police of the world". It is popularly accepted these pointless conflicts will be going on for a very long time. The anti-teen pop forces have officially adopted "Assassin" by Muse as their official battle song. The pro-teen pop forces have adopted an official battle song as well, "Whip My Hair Back and Forth" by Willow Smith. The pro-teen pop general, Danielle Brittany Cooper (known as "DB Cooper" to anti-teen pop soldiers who actually know who DB Cooper is) says on the matter, "it was the most violent song we could find."

A theory that is gaining popularity explains that high school students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, supporters of the anti-teen pop movement, mindlessly accused all their fellow classmates of being pro-teen pop (an accusation that is not entirely improbable), and so committed the infamous (oh, and tragic, can't leave out tragic) Columbine High School massacre. However, this is simply a theory, a desperate attempt to find reasoning behind the (tragic) killings. And we all must accept the fact that the (tragic) shootings were utterly and completely (and tragicly) pointless. And tragic. And we all know that Harris and Klebold are burning in Hell as we speak.

Lance Bass Assassination[edit]

On May 21, 2011, Lance Bass, of 'N SYNC fame, was eating at a resturaunt in Los Angeles when an anti-teen pop soldier who actually believed the Rapture was actually real, walked into the building, playing the aforementioned official battle song of the anti-teen pop forces, "Assassin" by Muse, on a jukebox he was carrying, walked up to Bass, asked if he believed in God for some reason, and then pulled a six-foot shotgun out of his pocket and fired 4 shots into Bass's brain. When that failed to make any difference, the soldier shot Bass in the crotch. When that failed to do anything, he turned up the volume on the jukebox playing "Assassin", which rattled Bass's organs enough to kill him. The soldier then turned his shotgun to his chin and shot himself for no reason, I guess because that's what child murderers do.

After the public became confused as to whether they should be celebrating or mourning, Kyle Broflowski issued a statement to the nation, saying that it would be wrong to celebrate the death of an innocent man, and that one should not wish somebody dead simply because you do not like their music. Broflowski's plea for peace and understanding in this troubled world was, of course, largely ignored, and conflicts continue to this day. Since then, several attempts have been made to assassinate Bono, lead singer of U2.

Notable Teen Pop Artists[edit]

*NOTE: Although Nickelback is not true "teen pop", they are bad, and they are popular, and so are similar to teen pop.

See also[edit]