Tekken

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“We put Christie Monteiro in the game for the exact reason you think.”

~ Producers of Tekken on masturbating Christie Monteiro

“No way did I just get owned by a FUCKING Panda! ”

~ A typical Tekken player on Tekken

“Can I die yet? Please?”

~ Heihachi on himself

“It’s twelve inches long, baby, and it goes all the way up.”

~ Paul on his haircut

“HEIYAAAA!!!”

~ Law on kicking ass

“NeNe!”

~ Law on not kicking ass

“BANG!!!”

~ 58 calibur magnum being weilded by Jun on Law's incessant screaming

“Homer Simpson and Fred Flintstone would be proud”

~ kim Jong Il on Bowling

Introduction[edit]

Jin‘s part-time job at KFC. It's finger-lickin' good!

Tekken is a bowling simulator famous for its Fighting subgames, this is most apparent in the game "Tekken Tag Tournament" which involves for the first time Tag Team Bowling, the fighting mini games also involve Tag Team Bowling. The game has many characters and all of them bowl the same but for some people who prefer the fighting mini game (Seriously, who are they?) the characters can pull off different moves.

The game is very popular in Japan because there is a federal law banning the recreational use of bowling balls for bowling, so the japanese either have to throw Hello Kitty dolls down an ally to knock over old karaoke machines or buy Tekken, this has lead to the popular franchise that is the Tekken games. Tekken means "Iron Bowling Fist Tournament" in Japanese.

Over the years, Tekken has grown from a basic bowling game with a small fan base to one of the world’s most popular games series. Tekken has advantages over other bowling simulators because no other ones allow you to play as a Panda, this bowling Panda is a direct descendant of the pedo bear but this fact rarely surfaces due to its unbowling related nature. The game has many many characters and never before has a bowling simulator allowed you to play as both a Panda and Garry Glitter in one game.


Characters[edit]

Paul[edit]

Paul Glitter is the lesser known son of the famous paedophile Garry Glitter. He is chosen primarily for his large haircut which, often distracts his opponents. He is left handed and prefers to use a pink ball because he got this as a gift from his ex-boyfriend, Little Timmy. Paul uses some kind of gay karate in the fighting minigame, and is considered a poor choice for pretty much any occasion. He does, however, have one really strong move which takes forever to charge.

Lei Wulong[edit]

Lei is the emperor of Wang province in southern China. He got very bored with his lifestyle, so he decided to take up bowling. he is often chosen because of his monk training which allows him to cheat at getting a strike, however you have to put in a 100 button cheat code while the bowl is rolling down the alley to make this happen. This is why Lei is considered one of the worst characters in the game. in the fighting minigame he is about as strong as Paul and uses Kung fu to rape his opponents.

Jun Kazama[edit]

Jun is one of the only female characters in a Japanese game that lacks stupidly large breasts, this is why she is the favoured character by women, her bowling style is cutesy and slow but she often gets some suprise points. she is Jin's evil twin and their names were chosen so similar to confuse players. Jun is pretty much useless in the fighting minigame.

Jin Kazama[edit]

Jin is the king of the Tekken Bowling tournament, the Tekken Bowling Tag Team Tournament and his kingdom stretches from Siam to Persia, Jin often beats his twin sister Jun because he has the ability to read minds, if you press L1 as him playing against Jun you can see what type of bowl she is about to do. In the fighting Minigame Jin is powerfull and can fly due to gas pockets naturally occuring inside his anus.

Nina Williams[edit]

Nina is the Prostitute sister of Rachel from the Ninja Gaiden series, she likes to wear her work clothes to the bowling alley, and she can often be seen picking up the 15 year old weekend staff. She has a thing for half leopard half human luchadores so she is currently in a non commited relationship with King but is going behind his back with Armor king. "I'm just not a one leopard-man kinda girl" she said. Nina bowls using her feet and is very good at getting strikes, in the fighting minigame her strategy is sexual tension which always pays off in the end.

Hwoarang[edit]

Hwoarang is Jin's rival and is named exclusively after the noise he makes in bed. Hwoarang is the only Ginger Asian in existance and often is bullied for it. he is of Korean decent, which means he naturally sucks at bowling. However, Jin is teaching him how to bake brownies. Hwoarang is good at bowling if you are facing backwards; this is the trick to playing his character. In the fighting minigame, he uses Tae Kwon Do, and is a formidable, if not extremely homosexual, foe.

Gunjack/jack 1-9001 (and armorjack)[edit]

Gunjack was the first prototype for the "jack off" series of robots, japanese made bowling robots that are the sucessors to the famous "bukkake" bowling robots. Creator of the Jack off series says his next creation will be a bowling robot named "hentai tentacle rape X turbo" he is extremely good at bowling because he is manmade but he often goes into rages and starts the minigame fighting halfway through bowling, which is a shame because he cant fight to save his life, because Bowling balls and other weopons arent allowed in the fighting minigames.

Julia Chang[edit]

Julia Chang loves forests.She lost a fight against craig marduk which was a bet that if she wins Marduk will give her money for reforestation but if she loses,she would have to do anal sex with him.So she lost and got fucked in her butthole by craig marduk.

Brian[edit]

Brian is made of rubber, and can bounce wherever he pleases. Anything he touches turns to rubber, which is why all of the Tekken males have permanent strap-ons. Brian is extremely homosexual, and mad at Jin for stealing Hwoarang away from him. Brian is 108 years old, american, a vampire and a virgin. It is rumoured that his previous identity was that of Edward Cullen. in the game he throws his balls hard, and they bounce so he is a very good bowler. In the fighting minigame, he just rapes his opponents, which is bad news for Paul because they have to actualy fight to rape eachother.

Eddie Gordo[edit]

Eddie is the greatest character ever made and has been getting blacker and blacker since the first tekken. in the first game eddie was Latino, but in the 6th game he is full black and could challenge Wesley Snipes(also known as Raven) to a "Black badass showdown" Eddie was born with a disease that makes his arms super weak so he uses them as legs and his legs as arms. Eddie bowls with his feet and has a lot of power, in the fighting minigame he is relatively useless unless you use the same move over again.

Law[edit]

Law is Bruce Lee cameoing in the game, he is superior in the fighting minigame and makes screaming noises very often, however he is sub-par in the main feature of the game Bowling. he often confuses his fellow bowlers for the pins and screams in cantonese every time anyone moves a muscle, except Brian, I think they have a thing going on, because Law's hand is made of Rubber.

Ling Xiaoyu[edit]

Ling has one of the most confusing to pronounce names ever, and was originally born as Phan Nha Yen. She is the iconic character of Tekken and everybody's favourite, not only is she cute but she is the most powerfull fighter in the game, but who really cares about that because this game is about BOWLING. she bowls superbly and is an all round easy character to pick up and play, a firm favourite for women who suck at playstation.

Yoshimitsu[edit]

Yoshimitsu is the demon ghost of Michael Jackson who cast his fury upon the Japanese for all of their terrible karaoke covers of his Music.

After coming back to kick some ass at the Japanese, Michael found himself fond of their culture and studied the advanced ninja art of Manji, he then changed his name to a traditional japanese one and decided to take up the sport that's taking the nation by stor: BOWLING. he is an excelent bowler and never misses, he is good at dancing which is what his fighting is mainly based on, he is good at fighting but loves spinning around way too much.

Baek[edit]

Baek is the only other korean in the game, he is Hwoarangs brother and they both go disco's together and dance. he has very keen bowling skills and is a snappy dresser. Baeks grandfather was world bowling champion so he feels that he has to win this tournament for him. however his fighting skills are equally good, he is a good character to play for starting off but eventually you get annoyed with his blatent Homosexuality, seriously if we wanted that much camp we would play brian.

King[edit]

Kings father was Rey Mysterio and his mother was a leopard, im sure however you all saw that video on the internet so lets not get into that. king is the manleopardest of manleopards, he is a ladies manleopard. everybody loves king(and raymond) and his bowling skills are unmatched unfortunately you cant play as him in the fighting minigames because he would just maul the other people to death.

Anna[edit]

Anna is a slutty russian who is bad at both fighting and bowling, but she is only in the game because her rich father paid for her to be in it, however there is a good reason to having her in the game, you can tell your girl friends to paly as her and they will, without realising how much she sucks and sometimse quiet literaly, she cant keep her hands off of king.

Ganryu[edit]

ganryu gives off a Sumo vibe however he is just extremely fat because he loves KFC. but he thinks by dressing as a sumo he can get some respect, his fighting moves are what he copyed from 80s disco dances and his bowling skills are very good because he has so much weight behind his throws, its sometimes hard to play as him though because you need to feed him every 10 minutes or he dies and you loose the game.

Heihachi[edit]

Heihachi is Jins evil uncle that molested him as a child. he has electro powers and is garry glitters (also known as Wang) brother, it was his electro powers that gave Jin his flying powers, Heihachi has all of the typical creepy uncle tactics at bowling, if hes loosing he threatens to molest the others, if hes winning he also threatens to molest the others, but a congratulatory molestation. in the fighting minigame he is very strong but hard to master his moves.

Amour King[edit]

Armour King is kings schitzofrenic alternate personality, he jumps in a pile of shit to change his colour and then goes out with all the men, you see King is a ladies manleopard whereas Amour king is his gay alter ego, this is a very interesting storyline in tekken and probably the most interesting plot developement in the whole gaming series.

Storyline[edit]

The main story revolves around an old molesting uncle, Heihachi Mishima, throwing his son, Kazuya, down a canyon. Kazuya survives and throws him down a canyon. Then Heihachi throws Kazuya down a volcano. Then Kazuya’s son, Jin, throws Heihachi out of a temple. Then Jin throws both Heihachi and Kazuya out of another temple. This goes on, with all three involved in a number of highly realistic conflicts, with Heihachi‘s father, Jinpachi(a freaking demon), also eventually being dragged into the mix. How he got with a woman I will never know, I mean he is ON FIRE... The plot expands into a giant competition which no one can remember because so many people are being thrown into volcanoes. Somehow Jin is declared the winner of the competition. Bored, he decides to declare war against everything in existence to allow him to resurrect the almighty god of bowling, Azazel. In a major plot twist, Jin realizes that he and his family have run out of places on Earth to fall off from, so instead decides to create his own pit and drag Azazel with him.

Subplots involve a various selection of non bowling related storys that are supposed to immerse the player in the characters lives so they can feel more in tune with their bowling experience.

Controversy[edit]

Legal action[edit]

Lots of Controversy surrounding Tekken games has arrose, such as "Are they trying to create a bowling army of youth?" Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright had this to say "OBJECTION!" Tekken did however win this lawsuit which allowed them to create more bowling simulator games and take over the previously bowling based market owned by Hello Kitty. There is also allegations that garry glitter tried to sue them for their character of him named Wang, however Garry Glitter felt amazed that he would be remembered for something other than his paedophile career.

PETA[edit]

PETA got very involved with the tekken game claiming, "Teaching pandas, ManLeopards, and kangaroos to bowl is unnatural and against animal rights!" Director of the Tekken series, Michael Bay said, "Nonsense! These animals are Transformers! Therefore, not part of the animal rights act, so leave them alone."

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Tekken is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.