Tekken
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“We put Nina and Anna in the game for the exact reason you think.”
~ Producers of Tekken onmasturbatingNina and Anna
“I wear the flat top a foot taller than I am...the bitches love it.”
~ Paul Phoenix on his flat top
“I'm Eddy Gordo so I can tap random buttons repeatedly and still win!”
~ N0obs on character selection
“Up, Up, Up, harder, harder...yeah thats right. Oh wait, faster, faster, come on!! faster....oh yeah thats the shit. Yeah in that spot. Lower...lower....lower......up up up up square”
~ Guy Playing Tekken, Not having Sex
“Hahaha! No one seems to have noticed that I am the only one with enough common sense to use a sword against shirtless people armed only with their bare fists!”
~ Yoshimitsu on himself in Tekken
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
Tekken is a delightful pothole reality fighting show on Television produced by the Namco company. It is the company's flagship fighting title for the PlayStation Xbox and television. The first in the videogame series was Tekken: The First Sniff, which was then followed by an updated version due to controversy. Tekken 2: Substance Abuse was released later which gained critical acclaim.
The video game franchise's best success came with Tekken 3: Intoxication which not only involved sniffing for incoming attacks, but used the smell of spirits for special 'unblockable attacks' Along with a new snort system utilized by pressing R4. Tekken 4: Tekkening the Piss was the first game exclusively for the PlayStation 2 (aside from the cult classic Tekken: What a Fucking Taggot which sold well in Mediocre Britain). However, the faultiness of the new SOAP interface (see below) damaged early sales and it looked like Tekken may have been going to the dogs. Tekken 5: The Anal Package reinvigorated the series, and was followed by an upgrade, Tekken 5.2: Eating Shit that is also named Tekken 5.5: SOAP Returns. Tekken 6: The Unbreakable Coke Pill will bring new characters such as Eustace and the Green Witch. Two new stages will be playable, and they are Zimbabwe Seaport and the Underground Lair. According to Ngi, the game will feature the new bind system where you bind him to a silver chair taunting him with Tekkenizated coke, driving him mad in the process.
Tekken Is The Best Annoying Fighting Game Ever!
The Game Was Made By This Bullshit! Namco!!!
[edit] Pre-Tekken 6 concepts and the PS3's new controller
According to Namco, the new Tekken 6 system would consist of limb buttons and sensors which would enable the players to play Sudoku and control their character at the same time. In case of receiving damage by the new rage system, the player would get a shock a couple of thousend degrees. It would also enable your character to paralyse and smash your opponent to pieces when the player is in an angry state, while country music is being played in the background. Also the system produces a burning sensation to the nerves and causes an orgasm when the player have successfully defeated the opponent.
Although a number of veteran players were hostile to this new system, many newcomer (or Newbies) warmly welcomed the idea as some stated that the Idea "touched the spot".
[edit] Story
The story is integral to the Tekken series and is seen as its most fantastic feature. It is about the constant feud between the wealthy and powerful dynasty, the Mishimas, and the commoners. Some of the Mishimas have a terrible and unfortunate condition called "being possessed by a farming demon" which increases anger and forces them to farm aggressively at each other. This idea helps to create even more outlandish character designs. The un-PC feud manifests itself by means of the King of Iron Buttocks Tournament in which the contestants actually buttocks each other into submission.
The main character, Heihachi Mishima, was 70 years old in the first game. To this day he still has a bit of kick in him at 1 million and 2 years of age, despite suffering from Alzheimers and severe gastrointestinal difficulties, better known as constipation or more commonly 'shitting bricks'. In an interview with Heat Magazine on July 11 2006, the aging star said,
"I don't know how I do it. My skin is great, my hair is erect and my body is in better shape than ever. My life has been a rollercoaster ride so far and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'd really like poo now if that's okay."
[edit] How it all began
Once upon a time...--
In Japan, there lived a Jewish Counter-Strike fan family who called themselves the Mishimas. They were mostly known for their wierd hairstyle, their knowledge of the Mishima style Karate which was their own way of kicking ass and their small toy store called The Mishima Zaibatsu.
The family consisted of two men and many women who would later die from the Mishima's STD which is known in the wrold of science as the gene. Jinpakchi Mishima(a noble man), father of Heihachi, was known for having established the Mishima toy store with the help of a friend, Wang Jir-rei. The two friends were very supportive and in times of need, they were always by each other's side.
However, young Heihachi Mishima, who was against this friendship, later grew up to be an independant(Hetrosexual) strong man and imprisoned his father in the basement of his home filled with yaoi magazines for 50 years. It was later revealed that Jinpachi actually enjoyed his stay in the basement, for he could do whatever he liked to do which he couldn't in public or at home.
Years later, Heihachi Mishima randomly picked a wife and had a child called 'Kazuya Mishima'(another noble Mishima). Kazuya was actually born a few years before Jinpachi was "exiled", around this time, Jinpachi tought Kazuya the art Mishima style Karate and important life lessons before going into exile.
Heihachi later threw down Kazuya down a cliff when Kazuya asked him "where do babies come from?". Kazuya later grew up to be a satanist after surviving the fall.
Then, after Kazuya had done his Rape dance(when he was at the King Of Iron Buttocks Tournament 1), Lee Chaolan was adopted by Heihachi.
Heihachi later transformed the Mishima Zaibatsu toy store into a hair gel company which was part of his master plan. By selling hair gel to these emo, anime loving, cosplaying teenagers, he could not only make big big bucks, but he could also put them all under mind control and make them his personall slaves.
Even though everything was going according to plan, he suddently came up with this crazy idea that he should test out his son by putting up some crazy tournament called The King Of Iron Buttucks. Little did he know that this same tournament that he was going to set up, was going to be his demise (expecially after adopting gayward son, Lee Chao-dang).
The tournament was like any other tournament (without juggling boobs of course) and had some bunch of people who want to come to the tournament for fun and pastime. Like a Bruce Lee fan called Mika Law, or some horny Irish lady called Nina, some guy called King who thinks he's a cat, a
The tournament started very nicely, but things started to get personal later on when each contestant found someone "their own size". They later on started beating "not-their own size" which made everything more like a riot. The fights died down when everyone decided to have a sex party to shake hands and forget all the bad things that happened.
Kazuya and Heihachi later made a showdown next to a pool in order to make the show more dramatic. To his surprise, Heihachi was defeated and was thrown into the pool and lost his hair style mainly due to the contact of water with his hair gel (it later took Heihachi Mishima 2 years to remake his hair all over again using gallons of gel).
Kazuya, who proved to be more evil than his father, transformed the hair gel company into a dynasty, thus starting the war/fight between the Mishimas and the commoners.
After a long time of obsession with Phil Collins, Kazuya did what every man in his position would have done. Establishing KFC and burger king restaurants in his local shopping mall. He later announced the King Of Iron Buttocks tournament. Adding a token Black man, a sumo wrestler, another robot, another ninja, a bear, an angel and a devil, a cat in armor, an old guy and finally a japanese woman. The tournament won the award for having "the most unusual people".
23 years later, the tournament became lame yet people still joined in for random and silly reasons. Mishima Zaiabstu is currently bat fuck insane. They're newest member of the family, Jin Emoishima, is currently in prison for raping his daughter. Wait, she hasn't been born yet. Ehhhh.....
So, 1 year later, the tournament decided to give all they're money to Kid Flash(Sweet from GTA San Andreas in disguise) and they're luxury house(aka shithole) to Burger King.
The reason they did that is because they were all fat emo DC fans who liked to fight(thus making there signature move, "The sexy fat shit") they also liked to eat in Burger King.
[edit] Games
[edit] Tekken Lag Tournament
Like the name implies you can play the vast array of Tekken fighters but with RPG like gaming, due to massive lagging. The game consist of two players inputting their moves much like in the previous installments but ten seconds before the fighter actually starts moving. Only the top Tekken players of the world had successfully been able to punish his opponent slow attacks with fast attacks like EWG. Science-fiction writers have not yet been able to explain this strange phenomena.
This groundbreaking new system paved the way for RPG fighting genre and the game is only available for the PS3 console. The game also contains the largest number of characters ever on a fighting video game. The number of characters in the game are 13,740,903 including 70 boss characters, 2 wooden dummies, 60 pallet-swaps, 35 politics and 907 robots. And 6700 communists with AK-47's. This game also included a new system called the "Change game into Sonic The Hedgehog" system.
[edit] Tekken Advance Adventure
A smaller version of the game. This game is faster than Tekken Lag tournament but it created many problems for the players, for they had to use needles instead of buttons which penetrated through their fingers and left them unable to quit. Players later found ways to tackle the problem by putting on rabbit fluff on the needles and enlarging the small screen using a telescope.
[edit] Fun facts about Tekken
- An omni-present voice would command all competitions, be it fighting , bowling or playing volleyball.
- People would never need to learn a foreign language and can talk to the animals, due to having universal translators.
- Competitors can break their arms, legs, back and neck, get run through by a sword and thrown into a volcano, and not suffer any long lasting damage.
- Women would mysteriously disappear at the age of 35. This case is the opposite for men.
- When someone snaps an opponent's neck or even ankle for a KO, the opponent will probably fall to the ground clutching their stomach or back.
- People wearing masks like King or Kunimitsu can get through customs and excise without taking them off.
- Boxers are able to become completely intangible if they step to the side even slightly.
- Pandas and wood can also kick your ass.
- It's OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Controversy
When the original game was released it caused serious outrage in the gaming community. Gamers realised quickly that the Mishima characters had an advantage over the others. This was due to the fact that, while they were quite diseased and inbred, the Mishima characters had farming techniques at their disposal as well as buttocks ones.
This was addressed at a major Namco meeting but was unresolved, so the matter was forwarded to the Jedi Council in the hopes that a solution could be found. Sure enough, a highly disrespected member of the council, Kook Llangar, suggested a simple re-release of the game with the abilities of the Mishima characters toned down to simple poultry work and spud patches. Their buttocks abilities were to remain unchanged, he proposed. Then Yoda came and said "Change it, you will!". The Jedi Council and Master Yoda then got to the decision that the Mishimas be removed from Tekken. Fans started to cry and had to find new masturbation material. The most popular search results that month were "Jenna Jameson", "ManDingo", "Porn", and "Naruto fucks Sasuke hardcore"
[edit] Celebrities and Tekken
- Bill Nye is noted to also play a mean-ass game of Tekken, as well as Street Fighter 2
- Michael Jackson is known to play Tekken from time to time, and after The death of Michael Jackson some believe that he may try to sell humanity to intergalactic slavers for a large sum of quarters.
- Mel Gibson has a Tekken machine in his house, to get quarters away from them dirty Jews.
- Bill Nye also once kicked a guys ass so hard at tekken, that he shit acid blood like an Alien from then on out.
