- 1 Heaven Police After God
- 2 Umgah deny controlling US President through Hyperwave
- 3 Britney Spears Gives Birth To Musical Prodigy Demon Baby
- 4 New Element Found
- 5 Rove: "Please Stop Criticizing the Government"
- 6 God Hates Furries
- 7 God's Cronies Captured
- 8 Irish Republican Army to Ascend into Heaven
- 9 Media outlets receive chilling hurricane threat tape
- 10 New Terror Tax Proposed
Heaven Police After God
Heavenly badboy Jehovah God is now officially a wanted man. Heaven Police Force chief John Lennon today issued a statement regarding the situation with God. "We have three SWAT teams after God, searching all known quadrants of Heaven," Lennon said. "We were waiting for an excuse to arrest him for a while, and now that he has sent this new hurricane towards America, we can legally arrest him." Lennon then turned his back on UnUews reporters, apparently to play whack-a-mole with a friend.
Lennon and a crack team turned up at God's Pearly Gates Street apartment earlier today, though they found only a note.
"The note seems to say that God has gone into hiding to avoid police" said Police code-breaker Oscar Wilde. "The note goes on to report that God's close friend Saint Peter has gone with his childhood buddy into hiding. The note says that he will not give himself up, and that anyone who even thinks about approaching him will get 'such a fucking beating they'll pop back into their Mother's arse'."
Umgah deny controlling US President through Hyperwave
Spokesblobs from the Umgah battlefleet currently orbiting Earth today denied using an immensely powerful Hyperwave 'Caster to send messages from "God" to US President George Bush urging him to invade Iraq.
"Humans not get all offended" said the Umgah leader, stifling a belly laugh. "It just our little joke. Umgah not want to hurt anyone. Not at all thinking human president take us seriously."
"Anyway, we not telling humans to start war. We telling you to... ahhhrmm.... to bore! Yes, bore deep into the Earth, humans. That only way you are surviving when Grand Master Planet Eaters get here. We also advising you to speak only in rhymes and avoid words containing the letter 'b'. Grand Master Planet Eaters very afraid of rhyming conversations."
In a press conference President Bush also denied receiving any hyperwave messages from the Umgah, and reiterated his call for all freedom-loving people to "dig large holes in the groun' / 'cause soon we may all start going down".
Britney Spears Gives Birth To Musical Prodigy Demon Baby
BUTTCRACK, LOUISIANA-Britney Spears; Mother, Wife, Village Bicycle gave birth to long-awaited baby only to find baby has decrepit exoskeleton along with red eyes and a voice like Ethel Merman. In a 1992 survey from Princeton University, 1 in 4 Pop Diva Doucherags give birth to demon babies. Britney Spears was unavailable for comment. Princeton Ethics Professor/Posession Enthusiast Dr. John M. Fogerty is quoted saying, "The act of creating a demon baby can from several sources. Whether the XX chromosome accepts a XY Chromosome from a direct demon, the XX chromosome receives the seed from multiple partners (at least 3,446,219 partners including Wilt Chamberlains), or sleeping with anyone while watching "Pootie Tang".
New Element Found
A new element is to be officially put on the Periodic Table. The element, named Ballmerium was found by its namesake Steve Ballmer when he tripped over the strange, glowing rock during a drunken rage. Ballmer initially mistook the rock for a Grue, but when it didn't eat him he realised it was a rock. It is reported that he then stumbled into the National Element Recognition office, where he attempted to throw the rock at one of the scientists working there. They took some quick samples and eventually decided to name the new element after the name Ballmer had scrawled across his bare, and extremely bony chest.
Some stupid Fox TV reporters have said that it was not Ballmer, but in fact Jay Leno with Ballmer's name written on him. We will keep you informed on the correctness of this story.
WASHINGTON – Presidential advisor Karl Rove delivered a short speech in the White House Press Room this Friday, discussing the public’s reaction to recent government performance. “Please stop criticizing the government,” Rove pleaded dejectedly. “We know there is plenty to criticize, what with two hurricane screw-ups, an unpopular war, widespread political corruption, and even alleged treason on my part, but still… you’re really hurting our feelings.”
Rove went on to lament how difficult damage control is when his party is so rife with scandal. “Back in the old days, I thought that being one of the President’s most important handlers would be a difficult enough job. I figured that all the hard work would make me feel like a better person. But all these criticisms from all sides… it’s really hurting our self-esteem, guys. Our self-image is terrible.” read more
"I know it's been a while since I sent My son down, but I just wanted to let you know, I do indeed love you all. Except for those God-awful furries. I hate those freaks." He added, "Now, don't get Me wrong - I like Sesame Street and Disneyland as much as anyone else. But this furry shit has to stop."
God's Cronies Captured
In a raid last night, three henchmen working for God were captured. The three are currently being held in Guantanamo Bay, suspected of creating the vicious Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. In a press conference, their lawyers reported that God had threatened to send their families to hell if they didn't carry out the attacks.
The three are all dead Frenchmen who, up until this point, had lived productive lives in Heaven. It is believed they all worked as accountants for God, which is how they came to be in his service.
God has currently gone into hiding with good friend Saint Peter, but an inside informant reported that God was working together with extremists al-Clouda at elimintating America, something they have been working on since mid-2004. They worked together to cause the boxing day tsunami, but they missed America by a few thousand miles.
The Hurricane makers' trial is expected to be held early next year, with suprise witnesses Bill Clinton, Paul McCartney, and Lionel Ritchie rumoured to be making appearances. Further rumours that they are just doing it for publicity are completely untrue.
In the newest of a string of recent peace-loving acts, the IRA has collectively agreed to ascend into Heaven this Thursday. The announcement marks an end to all "physical aggression" by the ex-terrorist organization. "We knew we were heading in the right direction when we swore off terrorism and gave up our weapons," mused IRA member Kasey McIntyre, "And we were definitely feeling some positive effects by the time we donated our funds to that chidren's hospital and sponsored the national kitten shelter initiative. But we feel that the IRA's leaf will not fully be turned over until we transcend the material plane on October 6th." Critics continue to maintain that the ascension's sole purpose is to give the IRA access to the throne room of God, where, according to anti-IRA spokesman Gina Whitcombe, "they will resume their barbarous acts of terrorism against the British people, possibly through ghostly means."
Several media outlets received a chilling video tape today featuring an al-Clouda spokesperson threatening the United States with continued attacks on their largest cities.
"First we attacked New Orleans, the land of homosexuality," said the cloud in a broken English, "and now we shall attack Houston. We hate fat people, too." The cloud claimed that the attack on New Orleans now known as No Orleans was carried out by a suicide plumber. US government head of internal security, Saddam Hussein confirmed unconfirmed reports that a cloud disguised as a transvestite plumber was captured on CCTV tapes surrounding New Orleans community toilet on the fateful day.
Violent Anti-Democracy Protest in Blackpool
Delegates at the New Ba'ath Party Conference in Blackpool were shocked today by an outburst from a member of the audience during a key speech. Alien Secretary Jack Straw was addressing delegates on the subject of the UK occupation of Iraq, explaining how the military exercise was not about oil and profiteering but about building democracy. He was interrupted by 82 year old Wolfbane Waltzers, who called out the profane word "nonsense" to the great shock of delegates.
Elite Republican Guards immediately fell on Mr Waltzers from all sides and bodily bore him away, removing the protestor from the conference hall. Mr Straw (a dithering incompetent who rarely if ever gets his facts right) thanked the woman for her kind words and returned to his speech.
Security forces later formally charged Mr Waltzers under the Terrorism Act, and immediately shot him dead. Britain's Premier-for-Life, Saddam Blair, explained "the suspect was wearing a heavy coat, inappropriate for the warm weather, and had been seen vaulting a ticket barrier upon entering the conference." The execution, by the feared Metropolitan Police, took their trademark form: five bullets to the head and two to the shoulder.
It was later revealed that Wolfbane Waltzers was an escaped Nazi war criminal. Mr Straw, speaking afterwards to reporters, was visibly shaken by the blistering attack on him. He said "People who hold high office do a difficult job, making immensely tough decisions, and they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. Clearly Pinochet was genuinely ill. As many as two of his doctors told me so. He was not coached to fake ill-health."
In 2002 Jack Straw was awarded the Nobel Prize for Cowardice.
“Democracy in Iraq is a truely beautiful thing. It is a new-born baby, pure
and un-corrupt. It is a joy to the people whose fraught pain brought it into the world. I say to idealists the world over, come live in Iraq! Those who love freedom, come to Iraq! Those who long to embrace a wondrous life in the world's youngest democracy, come to Iraq! Wolfbane Waltzers, if you want freedom of speech, come join us in Iraq! Leave youroppressors behind and come live with us in paradise!”
Bush was seen last week haunting the aisles of a Pennsylvania Ave. Rite Aid gathering items commonly found in a meth lab. Receipts from the store indicate he purchased Sudafed, mothballs, Bacos, distilled vinegar and a Hallmark card entitled "Congratulations On Your Confirmation--Now Gimme Your Fucking Stereo".
A spectral figure from the depths of the netherworld has emerged from its nightmarish realm to offer support for Chief Justice nominee John Roberts. The unholy apparition was sent to speak at a Capitol Hill press conference on behalf of the tortured souls of the underworld. "You ssseeee..." the wraith hissed in an inhuman tone, "weeee in the ssspirit realmmm are verrrryyy pleasssssed with the fine job the G.O.P. hassss been dooooing... weee meeerely wisssshh to extennnnd our ssssuppoooort for thisss excellent caaandidaate... ssooo heee maay ssupport the Repuublican agendaaa offf waaarr aand strifffe... which are grooowingg our undeaaad populaationn everr ssstrongerrr..." The hideous phantasm's press conference ended without a Q&A session, as it had an appointment to meet with Satan, Steve Ballmer, and Dick Cheney "forrr a quiiick lunchhh" at the Hades Bar & Grill.
A pair of mice infected with the deadly bubonic plague remain unaccounted for at a Newark, NJ pathology lab. No one blames them for this. Lab director Dr. Samuel Gatsby and his team of experts have attempted to track the movements of the rodents; it is believed that they made it all the way to Manhattan before succumbing to the disease. "This is no cause for alarm, folks," Gatsby stated late Friday. "To the best of our knowledge the mice are dead by now and pose no threat of infection. They are most likely floating harmlessly somewhere deep within the New York City municipal water supply. Now can we please forget this regretable incident and get on with our lives?" In other news, half the population of Manhattan have complained of respiratory problems and swelling of the buboes.
In what appears to be the least noticed war of the century, all stops were pulled when Christians Against Guns (CAG) and the National Rifle Association (NRA) clashed over content hosted on Wikipedia. Fighting has been brutal with both sides taking heavy casualties. Hostilities were started when CAG responded to the NRA's accusations of editing their Wiki entry with "So what? What are you going to do about it?". see more on page 24
LONDON - The leader of the Liberal Democrats shocked parliament this week by suggesting the creation of a new 'Terror Tax'.
In an article written for the Beano, Sir Alex Ferguson MP wrote:
"We have clearly lost the war on terror. Terrorists are cropping up all over the place. Last week I'd just got back from doing a chat show and before I realised it they were everywhere, millions of them."