- The fat guy from Lost ate a sandwich.
- Saturday Night Live cancelled due to lack of point.
- I don't care if you'd rather be with Ryan, I still slept with three of your roommates.
- Let's get some gyros!
- Frank Stallone records new album, "I'm Keeping The Mullet" Including such hits as "Loving You (Is Easy Because You're Beautiful)", "I was an extra in Judge Dredd", and "Kissy Boots".
- European Union sells Grand Duchy of Luxembourg to China for $4,500,000. "We didn't have any use for it anyway" says EU Trade Commissioner Peter Madelson.
- Disneyland officials find esteemed nuclear scientist Ludwig von Drake guilty of selling weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea.
- Elvis announces a 'Beyond the Grave Comeback Special' but added he would not be doing anymore decomposing.
- First case of Bird Flu reported in UK - Witnesses said it apparently 'Flu' under a bus.
- I had a great fu**ing time on drugs says David Cameron.
- UK Energy Blackout Forecast
- Tom Cruise devoured by Oprah on live TV
- King Kong to star in Porn flick with David 'Bloody' Attenbrough
- Small boy holds up convenience store - Mother arrested after admitting she gave him steroids.
- Nasa denies reports of a 'Foam Party' on board Discovery.
- Female terror suspect picked up at Liverpool Station after asking "Does my bomb look big in this?"
- The Beatles were a talentless bunch of wa**kers say Milli Vanilli.
- George Bush & Osama Bin laden set wedding date - Saddam to be Best Man.
- Michael Jackson opens orphanage & changes name to Mary Poppins in a desperate attempt to shake child sex allegations.
- Big Brother housemates to get nunchukkas & chainsaws in bid to raise ratings.
- Jennifer Aniston finds missing husband in Angelina Jolies vagina - Brad says its the Pitts! We say you lucky bas**rd!
- Plant life found on Neptune. Hippies celebrate the new breed of pot
- Sarcasm found to be an extremely intellectual form of wit.
- Copper found on Saturn - Metropolitan Police have no idea how he got there.
- Biting Social Commentary Wrapped in Hilarious Satire
- All alcohol beverages have been banned in Ireland. Suicide increased by 3 000,000%.
- Gay Eskimo finds himself entranced by North Pole. (more on 34DD)
- An Arizona man fell into The Gap yesterday, but suffered only mild injuries.
- Margaret Thatcher becomes the new Yellow Ranger, and now holds one of the lion keys to Ultra Jesus.
- Several tests prove that boogey bags really aren't that great for drug smuggling.
- Belgium economy is given huge boost by lavish Moldavian consorcium.
- New Zealand starts widely criticised island re-location works to become new EU member.
- Area Man contracts Syphilis for, like, the millionth time!
- Idiot writers rips off The Onion's writing style.
- Patent Office Patented by Microsoft
- Teen memorizes too much Pop Culture, forgets how to breathe
- Mexican woman found baked inside one of her one tortillas.
- Brazilian man gets life sentence for life.
- German wins the right to marry his bratwurst.
- Americans discover sarcasm! A public holiday is announced.
- Cat sucked through a rip in the space time continum aincent civilisation of mice wiped out
- 5pm found to just be ripping off 5 am's idea
- When asked about his opinion on gay marraige, Matt Damon responded:"MATT..DAMON!"
>UnNews:World Trade Center attacks still the worst thing ever From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia. This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.
26 February 2006
New York, Yew Nork (UNN)—The September 11, 2001, attacks on the World Trade Center are officially the worst thing that has ever happened, according to a report released Friday by the Commission To Find Out What the Worst Thing That Ever Happened Was. The commission, made up of TV news reporters, politicians, and White House spokespersons, came to this unanimous conclusion after meeting for only half an hour. "Sure, there have been some pretty bad things just in the past hundred years," said newsmistress Katie Couric, "such as World War II, which killed 62 million people; the tyranny of Josef Stalin, which killed 25 million; World War I, another 20 million; and so on."
"And most of those weren't Americans so they don't really count," added Bill O'Reilly, a senior puppeteer for the Fox News Network. "In America, a million people die every year from heart disease. Shut up. Another fifty thousand die from automobile accidents. Shut up. Recently, the entire city of New Orleans was destroyed. Shut up. With all the horrible death that's going on, the innocent lives senselessly lost in great numbers, it seems difficult to name one thing that is worst of all... until you remember September 11th, of course. Shut up. The three thousand people slaughtered by those Islamic barbarians, who may have had ties to Saddam Hussein, were the victims of the most terrible thing to happen in the history of mankind. Shut up. Anyone who disagrees is a traitor and should be hanged. Shut up."
Most Americans view this as confirmation of something they've long known to be true. Says random person Joseph Thomson of Duhast, Mich., "When I saw those towers come down, I knew that nothing as terrible had ever happened before or would ever happen again. Those 3,000 people... just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye, although I wouldn't give a shit about them if they'd died some other way. I hate those Iraqi sonsabitches. I'm so glad we kicked their asses."
Another random American, Thomas Josephson of New York, Idaho, expressed similar thoughts. "I can't begin to describe the terror I felt on that day, and since that day I've lived in constant fear of being attacked. You can bet we didn't give those terrorists what they wanted. Thank God for President Bush, who is getting rid of all the liberties we had that would have let the terrorists destroy America. I don't understand why those Muslim fuckheads did this. It's not like America has ever done anything like that to other people."
Any sane person would see retaliation as the only sensible reaction to the attacks. However, there are a few who do not think so. Some of these traitors include obese filmmaker Michael Moore, who said, "I hate everything America stands for, especially the fact that I made so much money from my 9/11 documentary. Also, I'm really, really fat." Cunning linguist Noam Chomsky, another America hater, said, "I'm not a homosexual, and I've never performed any homosexual act before, but I wouldn't hesitate to fellate Osama bin Laden in gratitude for the wonderful things he's done."