Terrorist dessert

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Definition of the term[edit]

A "Terrorist dessert" is a tasty, occasionally delicious pastry that has an attitude reminiscent of a terrorist. All desserts have attitudes, you see, and terrorist desserts have very, very volatile ones. Your common terrorist dessert, when angered, will react very violently. The ensuing mayhem usually involves the death of the person about to eat them. The terrorist dessert will then eat the person who was about to eat them (See: Irony). For the most part, terrorist desserts have no religious or political afilliation, but this has changed in recent years as the tastiest Arab pastries, which used to be quite docile, have become increasingly violent after Dubya declared war on everyone he doesn't like.


The terrorist dessert and it's offshoots has a long history. It can be told in 5 main sections. Until I make up some more.

Origins in the Garden of Eden[edit]

It is a little-known fact that after Adam and Eve had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, they wandered on over to the Tree of ExtremelyTastyDessertsAndOtherSnacksToo and ate from it too. God wasn't actually so pissed off about them eating from the Tree of Knowledge; He didn't want humans to be a bunch of retards, after all. It really got to him that they were planning to eat some of his Tasty Desserts though (He was going through a period of intense obesity at the time). So, just before Adam took a bite out of a particularly tasty dessert, God made it super angry, and it became the first Terrorist dessert. It then ate Adam. And Eve. And God.

Ancient Greece[edit]

First things first: Zeus is a playa. He tapped EVERYTHING back then. Even your mom. Nothing was taboo for him. Not even goats. Well... nothing except food.

During this time, desserts were going through a period of recession. The fact that they were not breeding at the rate that they used to, in addition to the fact that Greeks are prudes and don't eat desserts (and therefore don't anger them) led to a serious downfall in the terrorist dessert population. This all changed, however, when Zeus saw a particularly attractive dessert... and we can all probably guess what happened next... what's that? oh. you don't know. well... you suck. but I guess I'll have to go into detail:

They fucked. Super hardcorely. This really pissed off the dessert. It turned into a terrorist dessert. Then the new terrorist dessert ate Zeus. (You will remember that desserts can't get pregnant. The don't reproduce by giving birth. A terrorist dessert is just a really pissed off dessert. Maybe you're asking now why it was necessary that Zeus fuck one. I can't possibly know that. Go call him up. IN HELL!!! or rather... hades...) The other Gods kept this little incident on the DL, even going so far as to give life to a mannequin to cover up for the death of the seemingly immortal Zeus.

After this incident, and yet somehow completely unrelated to it, Greeks started to get really pissed-off at desserts, leading to an ascent in the terrorist dessert population. This ascent has continued right through to the present day.

Ancient Rome[edit]

The terrorist dessert went through a renaissance of sorts during the period at the end of the Roman Empire. Just as the Romans' gluttony was reaching its zenith, along came some super pissed desserts to completely fuck over the Romans.

The Boston Tea Party[edit]

It is commonly believed that all the Sons of Liberty did during the Boston Tea Party was dump all the tea into the sea (hehehehe rhymes). However, they did far, far more than that. In fact, dumping the tea was not part of the original plan at all; they actually wanted to have a tea party. And as we all know, when one has tea, one has biscuits as well. And whaddaya know, that biscuit didn't much like getting eaten. This led to an uprising of desserts against everyone, known as the American Revolution.


main article: Conspiracy Theories surrounding 9/11

It wasn't Osama. Leave it at that.

There is far, far more to tell about the history of Terrorist Desserts. But I'll leave it to you to make up that shit.

Doubts about the authenticity of these claims[edit]

Some people doubt that terrorist desserts exist. These people are fucking quacks. Seriously. And quacks are not pretty creatures. Would you trust someone who fucked a quack? Or in the PROCESS of fucking a quack? I thought not. Besides, Oscar Wilde gave that quote over the telephone. He could be ANYWHERE!!! Even HELL!!! Meaning he WAS eaten by a terrorist dessert!!! Meaning he's a FUCKING LIAR!!!