Nikola Tesla
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Nikola "Mr. T" Tesla (Никола Тесла) is one bad mofo and also the god of electricity. Worship him for you cannot win, he shall disarm your weapons, destroy your human civilization as you know it and burn you to a crisp! He also tried to save the world with his sidekick Mark Twain during his mortal life.
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[edit] Career
He was the first Serbian tracksuit manufacturer in the world.Due to their synthetic construction, these suits generated a lot of static electricity. His plan was to get everyone wearing synthetic clothing so that they would all carry their very own charge created simply by moving around (particularly the action of the legs rubbing together), which they could then use to run every personal appliance that we are weighed down with today, such as mp3 players.
Honourable though his plan was, the big electricity companies got pissed off and quickly introduced the attractiveness of 100% cotton clothing, saying how breathable it was, via a huge marketing effort. This doomed Tesla's plans for society's electrical emancipation and we are only left with the vague remnants of that great era of shiny black fluoro striped trackpants in our collective unconscious.
Tesla had a varied career including employment as a swimsuit model at age 7. Later he trained as a sushi-chef at the famous Yokohama sushi University and scored at the top of the class. .
Tesla defeated Thomas Edison in the much-touted "jab in the lab" middle-lightweight boxing match held at Harvard university in 1928.
It is believed that as well as inventing german duct-tape Tessler was member of the Rock-Trio "The White Stripes", in which she played percussion. Her theories on the atmospheric conduction of electrical energy came to her one day while playing the drums particularly heavily and monotonously with copper wiring wrapped around her drumsticks and forearms. The build-up of EMF shorted out half of Norway but, thankfully, the half that does not produce the best black metal in the world.
It is often said that Tesla was the inspiration for Prince's song "Darling Nikki". In her 2003 biography, De Šniźling Whoom: Åk Eet De Nooven Hoompen Kijlingšteen, Tesla claimed that Prince's conversion to Dark-Side Mormonism caused him to babble incoherently and inadvertently start this myth. Prince denies all connections to the Dark-Side Mormons, and will not comment on the origins of "Darling Nikki".
He is best known for creating the world's most powerful weapon, called Millenium Falcon, or Death Star, or whatever, which is widely used in many video games and movies.
[edit] Early Life
Though commonly believed to be human Tesla was actually born by a small discharge of static electricity caused by his mother rubbing up against the local pizza delivery boy during a lightning storm, or at least thats what she told Nikola's dad. Another lesser known theory claims that he actually was hired by his dad in the summer of 1883 for 5$ per hour to build himself.The story has it that Tesla had already been working on plans for himself in secret for several years so was able to start right away. Unfortunately, because he revealed his plan to Thomas Edison, Edison patented him before he could build himself and then had Tesla's legs broken for copyright infringement. Some may question whether or not Tesla was a man or woman when in fact that question is completely redundant. Because he was born from the lightning itself he was completely ambiguous. Though it was rumored that he was quite a hit with the ladies. This Tesla was not the first. Tesla v1.2 was said to be the political advisor of Maximillion Robespierre and the driving force behind his creation of a religion that centered around paper mache mountains and togas.
[edit] Tessler huge trippy tower thing
In 1902, tessler was driven almost insane with jealousy when his best friend invented one of those trippy plasma ball things. Not to be outdone Tessler used financing from the American Millionaire Westinghouse, to build the worlds largest plasma ball tower at Shoreham, Long Island, NY,with this he intended to turn the entire earth into on giant trippy plasma ball thing. What followed could only be described as the most god dam awesome, mind blowingly wicked and bad trippy lightshow ever witnessed. Unfortunately the government got scared that people might like the visuals so much they might invent LSD.So the power plant supplying the tower was blown up by way of remote control suicide ninja sheep. This sent and huge powers surge to the tower which blew it to bits causing what we now know as the northern lights which are nothing more than highly charged ninja sheep particles bouncing off the earths upper atmosphere.
Throughout the 1920's and 30's he often gave public demonstrations where he passed 100,000 volts of low amperage electricity through his body in order to make his mustaches stand up on their own.
[edit] Tessler Ni-Kola
Dubbed Ni-Kola it was an instant hit with anyone fortunate enough to survive after drinking a whole bottle.Some people even claimed that Ni-Kola could extend their life's considerably injected directly into the left nipple using a bucket and stirrup pump.
Tessler was set to become the worlds first quad zillionaire until bored one night he dreamed up the idea for the internet.After several hours of frantic masturbation he collapsed exhausted onto his bed without disconnecting his machine. This was most unfortunate as he had the recipe for his priceless Ni-Kola stolen by a team 12yr old phillipino ladyboy hackers.
[edit] Late Life
After Thomas Edison stole Tesla's patents for track suits made of solid electricity and became the most famous clothing designer in history, Nikola began huffing kittens. His first kitten was at a party with Oscar Wilde who said "That douche-hole Tesla could barely even hold in a black and white calico, what a little bitch. I hate people who can't fucking handle huffing kittens." At subsequent parties, party goers noticed large piles of soulless kittens littered around the near lifeless body of an over partied Tesla.
Tesla, once one of the major socialites of Vancouver, receded from society and became a hermit, being seen only once a month on his monthly trip to the local Wal-Mart to buy bug spray, Luna Bars and goldfish. It was later confirmed that this late "hermit tesla" was actually a robot created by George Westinghouse to cover up Tesla's kitten overdose.
It is believed by some that the kittens could have taken over Tesla's mind, and attempted to contact aliens. They gave him flying machines and Peace/Death Beams, but he got drunk and crashed his saucer. The aliens attempted to sue him, but were eaten by his robotic dog.
Recently, he had been tied up on Mount Parnassos, Greece, where every day Zeus sent his beloved Eagle to eat Tesla's liver, (which grows back at night) as a gruesome punishment for giving alternating current to Humans. Tesla is currently a highly evolved being of pure energy, having deemed a flesh and blood body was too limiting.
[edit] Information Nuggets
During his time her life, Nikola Tesla commonly refferred to his birthplace, Colorado Springs, as "the gay communist regime of america," and would often protest at funerals for American soldiers who have died in Iraq.
Tesla had an ongoing scientific battle with fellow inventor Michelangelo Antonioni, though the two were often spotted giving one another backrubs, which may or may not have been electrically charged.
Traveled back in time to September 11, 2001 and stopped eighty two planes from being hijacked.
Tesla once argued with Leonardo da Vinci about cheese. Leonardo said Brie was best. Tesla disagreed.
Tesla invented Thomas Edison because he was having too easy of a time inventing things.
Nikola Tesla invented a method of powering machines using squirrels. The squirrels were, in turn, powered by nuts.
Spiderman is based on Nikola Tesla. The "spider sense" is derived from Nikola Tesla's superhuman hearing.
After reading The Time Machine by H.G. Wells, Tesla invented a time machine because he wanted to verify that Wells' description of the future was accurate. While in the future, he obtained some jumbonium and then went back in the past to create the race of atomic supermen that won India's independence from the British Magisterium.
One time he received secret signals from aliens. (True)
One time he received secret signals from heterosexual aliens. (False)
One time he send high votage high frequency charges into the atmostphere causing the entire earth to act as a lightbulb. (True)
Every pseudoscientist on the planet references Tesla, but Tesla himself may have been a scientist.
It is also said he had a brief love affair with Oscar Wilde and/or Mark Twain which coincedentlly turned out to be his only friend.
He developed an energy beam called the Tesla Howitzer that could punch a hole through a steel plate. The U.S. Army declined to purchase the plans citing that no enemy had ever attacked the United States with steel plates.
He invented the phrase "All set." which is just his name pronounced backwards.
In 1931 he rented his lab to Universal Pictures for filming of the movie Frankenstein (1931). Boris Karloff was taken ill early in the filming, so Tesla stepped in and portrayed the Creature, without makeup.
Ever seen that really famous picture of Tesla slumped in the chair? He was bored - he did all of it for fun
He invented the flux-capacitor.
Science Magazine praised Tesla as "One hell of a Sexy Beast."
invented the electric car, but was out sold by Ford, since gas was only 2gal/1cent, and battery's 78 cents for 12
designed the first electric airplane, but it never took off.
[edit] Famous Transmission
The coke company recently received a message from 1886 from Sir 'Shockingly delicious' Tesller, stating " Hope joo are enjoying da radio and wifi. I invented dem. Yer velcome." Unsure of the transmissions origin and authenticity, the janitor (Hank Hill)who had received the message on his portable hand crank radio (fischer price model 101), immediately informed his supervisor and CEO of coke, Sir Marrkick Fudgewick III. Convinced it was authentic, Fudegewick proceeded to contact six flags. In addition, Tesller's famous derivative soft drink, Ni Kola, has been re released for 2009. "The soft drink features a "more powerful formula", claims Fudgewick, " Tesller sent us a new formula. It has the potential in association with kid's prices at six flags to cause instant disintegration." Six flags has yet to comment.
“NOOOOOOOOO. NO MORE TASTE BUDS!!!”
~ Linkin Park on the new Ni Kola
[edit] Personal Quotes
these are referenced from history school books in some countires:
“I'm serbian, I love mother Serbia, everything I did, I did for it! Evil, evil Croatia! ”
~ Nikola Tesla, when visiting Serbia
“I'm croatian, I love mother Croatia, everything I did, I did for it! Evil, evil Serbia! ”
~ Nikola Tesla, when visiting Croatia
“I'm romanian, I love mother Romania, everything I did, I did for it! Evil, evil Hungary! ”
~ Nikola Tesla, when visiting Romania
“I'm hungarian, I love mother Hungary, everything I did, I did for it! Evil, evil Romania! ”
~ Nikola Tesla, when visiting Hungary
“I'm american, I love mother USA, land of freedom and everything I did, I did for it! Evil, evil Comunism and Fascism! Give me funds! ”
~ Nikola Tesla, every day while living in the USA
[edit] Acting Career
Real Life - as Himself
Pi - as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937511
Space Jam - as Michael Jordan
Star Wars – as Emperor Palpatine
The X-Men serial – as Storm
The Running Man – as Dynamo
Clash of Titans – as Zeus
Mortal Kombat - as Raiden
Ninja Scroll – as Yurimaru
The Superman Cartoon serial – as the Mad Scientist
La Notte - as The Night
Frankenstein (1931) - as The Creature
Me Luv You Long Time 69 - as Your Mother
Watchmen - as Dr. Manhattan
The Prestige - David Bowie
