Texas

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Some dumb fool created two articles about the same goddamn thing. Therefore, this article or section should be merged with Texus.If you are the author, consider merging the contents so we don't have to do it later. If you fail to do that, we will kill you. For a discussion about this see this article's talk page.

This page has been screened by CNN for authenticity and impartiality, and has been given terror-proof protection for her pleasure. While this may be difficult to imagine, there persists a segment of the population who haven't fully embraced the qualities of the greatest state to ever produce the greatest president in world history. Please also note that no other alternative views exist.'mutha'

For spelling correction, or what happened if not, see Taxes. For the blasphemous, non-hyperbole version, see Texus.

“Yeah Texas!”

~ Brian Johnson on Texas.

“When you're in Texas, look behind you... OUCH!!!”

~ A careless passerby on Texas.

“The limp, flaccid dick of this balless country”

~ Me on Texas

“Holy shit it's fucking hot here”

~ {{{2}}}

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Texas

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: If it aint family, don't fuck it!
Anthem: It's a nice day for a, Shotgun Wedding - Billy Idle
Texas’s true size, shown with the United States
Capital	T
Largest city	Texasville
Official languages	Spanish
Government	{{{government_type}}}
National Hero(es)	{{{national_heros}}}
Declaration of Independence	1836 and 1045
Currency	Black Market Gay Porn and used Cockrings
Religion	Sadism, Rapitism
Major exports	Douche Bags (presidents), Gay Porn, beer
Major imports	Weed, moonshine, banjos, Assholes from the north
Opening hours	Open 24/7

Texas, also know as "The Lone Star State" due to the large number of low quality motels and restaurants, is considered the grandest state of the United States of America by the citizens who live there (most of whom, have never actually been to another state). It borders Mexico on the southwest, causing the Mexicans to be in a perpetual state of crippling fear that Texans will realize that Mexican food actually comes from Mexico and, in turn, travel there. The Gulf of Mexico lies to the southeast, aka “Fishin’ Grounds”. West of Texas is New Mexico, north is Oklahoma, northeast is Arkansas, and Louisiana is to the east; each of those states also live in utter terror because of their proximity to this tumor. Austin is Texas’ capital, and Houston is the largest city, not only for Texas, but the entire planet. Texas is also home to the so-called Zac O.'s, a rare breed of faggots, as well as the amazingly ignorant white trash redneck species of Logan Tiptons. (see Eperopolis^[1]).

Texas is world-renowned in America for being the biggest state and the only place on the earth devoid of intelligent life (Some claim that Antarctica also falls into that category but it has penguins). Texas is the size of all the states combined and then some, and its vast area encompasses every type of climate, including plains, douche-bagvilles, semi-arid plains, deserts, tundra^[2], and a number of large prison camps that span many thousands of miles. Texas has a ridiculous amount of mineral resources, most of which, is made of assholes dumped there by other states. The abundance of black market pornography, the population's inability to figure out how to unroll a condom, and a tendency to inbreed, have made Texas into the "Ugliest place on Earth". Oil, oil wells, chemicals, oil, ranches, oil, oil, and mutant cockroaches, have contributed a large part in the attainment of its legendary status, as well as being the birthplace of both the famous adult gay film star and high school football legend Noel Coward and the only human being to be born with only a brain stem George Bush(Bush was actually born in New Haven, Connecticut) ^[3].

In America for over a century. It has been asserted that Anglo-Americans stole Texas from Mexico. This has been subsequently dismissed by historians considering no white person in their right mind would ever live there voluntarily. The generally accepted theory is that Texas was the penalty imposed on early white settlers by vindictive Spanish officials during a particularly nasty hazing incident.

Contents 1 Etymology 2 History 2.1 Spanish Exploration 2.2 The Franco-Spanish War (1690-1821) 2.3 Spain’s Weakening and Mexico’s Uprising 2.4 The War’s End 2.5 From a Democracy to Communisim 3 Expansion of their Communist Empire 3.1 War with Mexico 3.2 The Republic of Texas (1836-1989) 3.3 Nuclear War 3.4 Nazi Texas (1989-present) 3.5 Involvement in the Civil War, and Subsequent Victory 3.6 After The War 3.7 WWI and the 20's 3.8 Depression and WWII 3.9 The 60’s and the Great Freak Insurrection 3.10 The 70’s and 80’s 3.11 Modern Texas 4 Physical Geography and Natural Information 4.1 Regions 4.2 Rivers and Seas 5 Climate 5.1 Temperature 5.2 Flora 5.3 Fauna 6 Demographics 6.1 Major Cities 7 Texas Government 7.1 Executive 7.2 Legislative 7.3 Judicial 7.4 County and City Governments 8 Economy 8.1 Agriculture 8.2 Forestry 8.3 Mining 8.4 Manufacturing 8.5 Electric Power 8.6 Transportation 8.7 Pipeline network 8.8 Trade and commerce 9 Culture 9.1 Fun Facts 9.2 Fun Stuff To Do in Texas 9.3 Sports 10 Education 11 Notable Texan Douche Bags 12 Footnotes

[edit] Etymology

The name Texas comes from "Tejas", a Spanish derivation of the Caddo word for tacos, hookers, ugly hat or Benevolent Jew of the World. It was officially known as Texas when it became a republic in 1836. Though the US government sees it as the 28th state, this is only a result of their flawed logic and jealousy, as Texas remains delusional. Some of its nicknames are "Hell", “The Redneck State”, “The get-the-hell-outta-my-way-State^[4]”, “Cowland”, "Mini Sahara Desert", and “Gun Kingdom”. Texas has also been newly promoted to King of the United States, the greatest place on our great green and blue planet.

[edit] History

Humans arrived in Texas thousands of years ago. Native Texans lived in advanced cultures all over Texas until Europeans arrived. Archaeologists have found artifacts such as slingshots, metal shovels, furnaces, baskets, paper, amazing pottery, and primitive cellphones. Some of the larger pottery had traces of radioactive materials in it, and archaeologists have confirmed that these were archaic nuculer reactors. Many other large pots were used for oil refining. The early Texans were also called Mound Builders, since they built numerous 45-foot-tall, 400-foot-long mounds. Scientists believe that these mounds contained vast amounts of power that the natives used to not only cool the state, but to draw oil from the ground, and to raise huge, productive crops like amaranth, squash, potatoes, corn, beans, olives, tobacco, and strawberries^[5]. They were also likely behind Big Tex’s resurrection. Coastal inhabitants subsisted on seafood and flying squirrels. One notable accomplishment of the prehistoric coastal Texans is that they made boat-sized pottery which they waterproofed by using asphalt. One great man named Riley Evans discovered this while trying to ride a small pot downstream while eating asphalt by the buckets.He knocked one over while waving to his wife.

Native Texans were very peaceful towards Spanish explorers and settlers when they arrived, first greeting them with the word “techas”, meaning allies, which the Spanish pronounced as Tejas (tay-haas). Both sides traded goods with each other, including very early oil refining and nuculer technology. Villages consisted of 10 to 20 hollowed-out boulders that the natives carved in a very timely manner due to their natural Texan ingenuity and strength.

[edit] Spanish Exploration

Alonzo Álvarez de Piñeda led a group which mapped Texas’s coast, ending up spending one and a half months at the mouth of the Río Grande, which they named Rio de los Triunfo. In 1528, a group led by Pániflo de Narváez, which happened to include Álvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca, crashed into the Texas coast, ruining their ship. Enthralled by the magnitude of beauty and wonder, they hung around for a while and partied with the natives, until they finally relented and trekked to their actual destination, a Spanish settlement in Mexico, in 1540. They heard stories from the natives about huge, sparkling cities full of thousands of tons of gold and other precious metals, and countless large jewels (called the Seven Cities of Cíbola, and the city of Quivira). Obviously piquing the Spaniards’ interests, Francisco Vásquez de Coronado traveled north with an expedition team in order to find these treasure cities. In 1541, they found them near what is modern-day Wichita Falls. The inhabitants were more than happy to share their overflow of wealth, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Hernando de Soto had been exploring the Mississippi River around this time. When de Soto contracted a nasty cold, he and his men traveled to eastern Texas in search of a remedy. De Soto was cured instantly when he bathed in one of the many healing springs in the area, and they never went back to the Mississippi. However, the Spanish lost interest in Texas after receiving disappointing reports from both expeditions, hearing that everyone had died of the intense Texan heat. This was only an excuse fabricated by the explorers so they could stay in the warm paradise of Texas unhindered. Spain eventually reconsidered, and began setting up missions and settlements in the 1680’s. Spain referred to Texas as “New Spain", causing Texas to rename New Mexico as "The Taint of America".

[edit] The Franco-Spanish War (1690-1821)

The French also desired Texas, and sent explorers such as René-Robert Cavelier and Sieur de La Salle to build forts in 1689. With the establishment of Fort Saint Louis near Matagorda Bay, France claimed all the land within 1,300 miles. Thoroughly irritated by the French, the Spanish sent several small militias to seek out and annihilate Fort St. Louis. In 1690, the first wave of Spanish attacks began, thus starting the Franco-Spanish War.

The French fought hard, but the Spanish eventually overran the fort. Other French in the area heard of the battle, and quickly joined in. Most of east and central Texas was under siege until 1715, when the French got a hold of a small Native Texan-made dirty-bomb, which they used on a Spanish fort. Fearing more French nuculer assaults on their territory, the Spanish built more than 40 new heavily-armed forts, the largest of which was close to San Antonio, built in 1718. Still, France pressed on, and weakened the Spanish occupation over time.

[edit] Spain’s Weakening and Mexico’s Uprising

Spain’s weakened hold on Texas became even weaker between 1800 and 1820. During that time, several more French expeditions, along with numerous American militias, entered Texas. One American militia in particular was led by Philip Nolan, whose small army entered the area in 1800. He stepped on a Spanish landmine, wrongly believing it to be flan, and was incinerated. In 1810, Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla led a Mexican militia called the Mexican Liberation Organization on a mission to acquire independence from the Empire of Spain. The Spanish army smeared the revolt across the countryside, but unrest in both Mexico and Texas continued. Freedom-seeking Mexicans frequently carried out gorilla warfare against the Spanish, and even enlisted the help of American commandos to try and set up bases in Mexico and Texas. In 1813, Bernardo Gutiérrez and Augustus W. Magee (former officer in the United States Army) led the Republican Army of the North, and took control of San Antonio, Goliad, and Nacogdoches. The leaders declared Texan independence and adopted a spiffy new constitution. August 18, 1813, though, was a dark day for the revolutionaries, as they were annihilated near the Medina River in a battle against Spanish forces. While all of this was going on, the Native Texans were puzzled as to what those Spanish, French, and American people were up to with all the fighting. Despite their confusion, they were entertained by all the squabbling, and even took bets to see who would win the war.

James Long of Mississippi led his own militia into Texas in 1819. After winning the Second Battle of Nacogdoches, he set up a new republic and declared himself king, but Spanish elite soldiers practically threw him out shortly thereafter. French pirate Jean Laffite was approached by Long at his base in Galveston for help in the revolution against Spain. Laffite inquired as to what was in it for him, but when Long said something about oil, he refused, as he had more oil than he knew what to do with (like most Texans). When Long left Galveston in order to fight again, he ran into Bernardo Gutiérrez, who had survived the battle of Medina River. The two gathered a small army, and, after allying with the French, led a massive attack on Spanish forts. These attacks greatly weakened Spanish forces, almost to the point of retreat, but also resulted in great losses for the French army.

[edit] The War’s End

In the midst of all the turmoil, Spanish officials figured they were pretty much done-for. In 1820, a brave American invader named Moses Austin demanded that the Spanish government allow him and his family to settle in Texas, or else he would bring a nightmarish wave of unbridled destruction upon the exhausted occupiers. Moses died shortly after making his request due to a chupacabra attack, but Stephen Fuller Austin, his son, was given the OK by the deteriorating Spanish government to settle in 1821. In the same year, the MLO finally defeated Spanish forces in Mexico, thereby winning Mexico its independence. The defeat in Mexico, coupled with constant American raids, led to Spain’s defeat. France, bewildered and outnumbered, fled, leaving behind their crepe and baguette factories. Stephen F. Austin then spoke with the new Mexican government about creating colonies for 300 families to settle in, in exchange for the factories; knowing all too well that consuming French food would emasculate a man, Austin believed the offer would be advantageous for the Americans, for the factories would gradually pussify the Mexicans to the point that if a war started between the two nations, the Americans would only need to whip out their cocks in order to overpower the Mexican forces. Mexico, unaware of these facts, agreed, and the contract was signed; thus, the Great Colonizing began.

[edit] From a Democracy to Communisim

In order to keep Texas's growing Mexican and Kentuckistanise populations, the government found it hard to run a good government without a secret police. So on October 23, 1989, Texas and the Soviet Union worked together to form the Union of Soviet Socialists of Texas. The Soviet government of Texas has seen much law and order come to their beloved motherland. The U.S.S.T has seen a boom in their economy since they installed one of Lenin's 5 year plans.alrieight texas is fucked up the butt but day got de guns Later, about 2 days after they joined the soviet union. Texas's leader, Bush, said,"Why da heck is we with abunch o Russian soviet people?! WE AR OWN COUNTRY!!!!!", and suceeded from the U.S. and the dang soviets to become their own country. They named their country, "The Awsum Cuntree Uf Texasland". day wuz communist too.

[edit] Expansion of their Communist Empire

The USST has been putting pressure on their northern neighbor Oklahoma to join their communist empire and create the USSO, but the United States of Gras Deustchland TO NOT.

[edit] War with Mexico

During the Great Colonizing between 1821 and 1836, the population of Texas increased exponentially, going from around 4,500 to 18,000,000. The immigrants, primarily from the southern US, were rather strong-willed and refused to become one with the Mexican way of life. They didn’t want to be a part of the current Mexican state Tejas y Coahuila (or as they called it, “Texas y Fail”), so they began plotting. The Mexican government was too busy either partying or dealing with internal affairs to notice.

The first attacks came in 1826, when a group known as the Fredonian Brigade, comprised of a few Texans, began using wagon bombs to assault Mexican federal buildings. Though their main goal was to establish the Republic of Fredonia, and not Texas, Mexican officials began to suspect that something wasn’t right. Something even more unsettling to them was that they were outnumbered by hicks in Texas 1,000 to 1. Fearing an uprising, the Mexican government began deploying troops there, and started restricting texan immigration. The fact that there weren’t enough troops or a huge fence or wall on the border made the new immigration restrictions virtually useless^[6]. A convention was held in October 1832 at San Felipe de Austin, where Texans got together and yelled at each other about beer. The leader, Cletus F. Moonshine, who continuously sent taunting letters to the Mexico army and government, traveled to Mexico City to steal some tacos. Mexican officers quickly noticed him for he was quite obese and loud. They said, between roaring bouts of gunfire as they executed illegal Texan imigrants, that Mexico was ready to obliterate all of Texas because texas is populated only by hicks with shotguns. He was chained up and put into the execution line, but not after shouting “YOU’LL BE SORRRYYY!”. He realized that he did get a little ahead of himself by trying to steal a taco so soon, and decided to yell like an angry monkey until he was up next for execution. Planning continued for nearly 2 years, and in 1835, Texans had amassed a huge stockpile of shotguns, beer, fat people, and steak.

A year previous, the Mexican government had been deposed by dictator Antonio López de Puto Anna. He took the taco Cletus tryed to steal, presented the preceding year as more of a threat than a common theft attemt, and planned to make a burrito out of any Texans he sees. After hearing about a Texan buildup, he sent a unit of soldiers to Texasville, Texas (the capital of Texas, now a country) in October 1835 in order to retrieve some Mexican-made cannons that were given to that town for use against chupacabras. The citizens were wiped off the face of the planet. another battle of the Revolution had been lost.

Settlers established a Texan provisional government in November 1835 during a convention. A governor and a council were elected, and rallies were held all over The Place in order to state that Texans were fighting for their country, guns, and beer, which were promised in the 1824 Mexican Constitution. The Army of Texas continued to grow, but lost nearly every battle that took place in 1835. The Mexican dictator had had enough, and sent whole regiments of soldiers to the stronghold known as The Alamo, in San Antonio. The soldiers in the complex were so unaware of the surprising attack, that they actually allowed the Mexican army to take the fortress, simply out of sheer stupidity. However, during that “siege” on March 2, 1836, a Mexican soldier urinated on a newly-made Texas flag. Historians agree that this was the worst mistake ever made in human history, and the soldier received the worst beating ever recorded as a result of his actions because of how retarded texans are. The rest of the soldiers were literally thrown out afterwards. Texans decided that enough was enough, but a small nuke being carried by a hot air balloon was detonated over Texasville by mexico, leveling most of it. that is why Texas is a baren wasteland. Texas never surrendered, and accidentally found a nuke,found the launching system, and accidentally fired it at mexico. Mexico was oblitherated. The town drunk that survived the bombing of Texasville was chosen as the king of Texas, the country. It took the king until recently to think of a name for texas. Santa Anna was nearly driven to insanity by his army’s failure, so on April 21, 1836, he killed himself. He struggled fiercely, spewing numerous expletives and thrashing about, until something in him finished the job. He died. Most textbooks say that Texas’s beer drinking contest day is always on the day they won the war.

[edit] The Republic of Texas (1836-1989)

History books claim that Texas existed as a republic for about ten years until it became part of the United States. This is a blatant lie, as Texas is still a republic to this day, though the US doesn’t like to admit it. Texas didn’t have very many problems, and finance was never an issue. Texas had a lot of land, a lot of oil, and a lot of crop potential. The native inhabitants were more than happy to allow settlers to cultivate the land, and even helped them, showing them ancient techniques on how to get the most out of one’s crop through nuclear fission. In September 1836, the very first Texan presidential election took place, and Sam Houston defeated Stephen Austin after a four-hour rib-eating competition. The United States and most European countries acknowledged Texas’s sovereignty, especially Mexico, which trembled with fear at the mere mention of Texas, and even its previous name, Tejas.

However, a few Mexican troops who were still loyal to Santa Anna foolishly captured a Texan trading expedition at Santa Fe in 1841. The captives, who could have escaped at any time, decided to go along with the joke, and marched to the recently-rebuilt Mexico City. The Mexican government was so horrified by their actions, that the “prisoners” were treated like kings for an entire week, and the soldiers were imprisoned and shipped to China.

The population of Texas went from 18,000,000 to 150,000,000 between 1821 and 1836. Numerous Europeans, especially Germans, started colonies. Seeing that the land was being settled so rapidly, the native inhabitants decided that it was best to move on. Sam Houston offered to reserve some land in east Texas for the Cherokee, but they declined, and, along with the other Native Texan tribes, left the state without incident.

Mirabeau B. Lamar, originally from Georgia, was elected president in December 1838. Lamar begged the remaining Cherokee to stay, saying that they were a tremendous help. They respectfully declined, and the last of the Cherokee moved north to Oklahoma.

[edit] Nuclear War

In 1844, the US Senate attempted to annex Texas, but it was immediately shot down after being labeled as impossible. Irritated, the Senate officially declared Texas the 28th state on December 29, 1845. Thinking it was a joke, Texas played along. Mexico accused the US of being greedy, and, fearing that the possession of Texas would increase the US’s power by a factor of a thousand, they gave the US the cold shoulder and broke off diplomatic relations. A United States General by the name of Zachary Taylor went with a large army to protect the Texas-Mexico border on the Río Grande. Mexico became extremely jealous and proclaimed that the Nueces River was the official boundary, classifying the move as an act of war. When they sent troops across the Río Grande, US Congress declared war on May 13, 1846. Most Texans sat back and watched the war unfold, laughing, and taking bets to see who would win, just like the native inhabitants did concerning the Franco-Spanish War many years prior. Mexico sent numerous suicide bombers and militias to ward off the US troops, and eventually detonated a few tactical nukes on the battlefield. On September 14, 1847, Mexico City was re-leveled in a retaliatory nuculer attack. On February 2, 1848, Mexico gave up all chances at regaining even a minuscule portion of their former territory, and signed the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which also gave up land that would later become Nevada, California, Utah, and large pieces of Arizona, Colorado, Wyoming, and New Mexico. The United States secretly asked Texas if they could buy even a small portion of the amazing beauty of that Republic, namely the land on the Upper Río Grande. Texas showed sympathy, and accepted the $10 billion offer. Texas added the money to its already astronomical wealth.

[edit] Nazi Texas (1989-present)

The persecution of rednecks in the USST has been controversial, but the President of the Supreme Soviets says it must be done in order to keep the motherland safe. This is the only known recorded history of the USST because being commies, they don't like to share ANYTHING! This is because they are commies and they have to try to make their glorious motherland to look perfect.

[edit] Involvement in the Civil War, and Subsequent Victory

1861 marked the beginning of the American Civil War. Texas, being strongly pro-freedom, threw its colossal military behind the Confederate States of America.

Texas’s governor Sam Houston, however, was very pro-Union, and disagreed with the alliance. In February 1861, a convention was held regardless of Sam’s protests, and delegates voted to side with the Confederacy. Houston ranted for quite some time, and was quickly ousted. He didn’t go without a fight, though. His intense anger and pro-Unionism caused him to transform into a towering, 69-foot-tall Hulk-like monster^[7], which then lumbered off towards the major battles in order to put a stop to the CS army. While the Texan officials were panicking, the sky suddenly grew dark. The mounds built by the ancient Texans began to rattle, and released gigantic amounts of energy in the form of lightning. The bolts hit an area just outside of Austin, and a towering figure shot up out of the ground^[8]. The 52-foot-tall behemoth was wearing large brown boots, blue jeans, a buttoned shirt resembling the Texas flag, and a cream-colored 10-gallon hat^[9]. He looked off in the direction of Sam Houston’s location, and sprinted after him. Numerous delegates fainted when they saw this. The ones who didn’t, named him Big Tex. When Big Tex reached Sam Houston, he was just north of Huntsville. Houston turned around, and gave a long stare. Big Tex asked him why he was doing this, and Houston gave his reasons, like how the US needed to stay together. He then threatened him with battle if he intervened. Big Tex, unfazed by Sam’s 17-foot advantage, started saying how the states had the right to leave, but before he could finish, Sam went on the attack. The Unionist ripped-up a tree and attempted to use it as a club, but Tex swatted it away and tackled him. Their fighting led into northern Huntsville, where Houston was briefly incapacitated by a roundhouse kick to the skull. When Sam finally regained balance on the side of a road, Tex charged up to full power, held him in place, and froze him solid. Big Tex then traveled back to Austin, and was re-absorbed into the ground, only to be dug back up and used as the mascot of the state fair of Texas a few years later. Sam Houston’s stone-solid body can still be seen south of Huntsville to this day.

99.99999999999% of Texans backed the Confederacy ('cept for one guy who was hung at Gainesville). Some notable contributions to the Confederacy were the Texas Armored Assault Division led by General John B. Hood ^[10], and the highly-trained Texas Rangers led by Benjamin Franklin Terry ^[11]. A brigade of Texan troops led by General Henry H. Sibley captured Santa Fe, New Mexico in early 1862. The Union soldiers were stripped of everything except their undergarments, and were sent away screaming.

A few of the Civil War battles were fought in Texas, such as the Battle of Sabine Pass, where the Confederacy grabbed an easy victory, and the Union forces’ miserable attempt to capture Galveston. The very last Civil War battle also happened in Texas, near Brownsville in June 19, 1865, a month after President Abraham Lincoln’s embarrassing surrender in Virginia. Some of the Union Army either hadn’t heard about the defeat, or were too stubborn to give up so easily, and entered combat in utter futility. The Confederate victory was so astonishing, that the Confederate armies held a massive celebration and freed all the slaves in the process.

Following the Civil War’s end in 1865, the Union-affiliated states experienced massive economic meltdown. Many people were shocked and very embarrassed by the Confederacy’s seemingly unfair win, and depression was common amongst the citizens. In a desperate plea, Lincoln begged for the Union to be admitted into the Confederacy. Jefferson Davis, the Confederate president, saw that it would be for the best, and allowed the Union to join. Most people didn’t think the phrase “Confederated States of America” rolled off the tongue as easily as “United States of America”, so the original name was re-adopted. However, those who supported the Union were not allowed political positions. Texas, happy to have been able to help, continued to allow everyone to think it was part of the US.

[edit] After The War

Texas grew extremely fast after the Civil War, going from 155,000,000 to 445,800,000 between 1870 and 1900. The construction of railroads made it easier to access and farm Texas’s phenomenal expanse. Huge reaping machines, new farming techniques, and barbed wire (to control cattle, chupacabras, and swarms of prairie dogs), helped farming go faster and more efficiently.

Stampedes of ravenous buffalo were an issue, though. In the 1870’s, buffalo would frequently trample over fences, break into homes, and eat pets and occasionally children. It was decided that the best thing to do was to annihilate most of them, and General William Tecumseh Sherman led the effort. Between 1871 and 1880, nearly 810 million buffalo were killed, although this was good for providing the railroad track-layers, troops, and citizens, with food and hides.

Cattle had been in Texas for a very long time, and in amazing numbers, but following the Civil War, the industry grew like wildfire. The large amount of railroads made the enormous distance between farms and markets less of an issue, but it was mainly hides and tallow that were traded. However, oil and cotton were the most important contributors to the economy.

[edit] WWI and the 20's

World War I was supported very strongly by Texans. In fact, Woodrow Wilson won the presidential election of 1912 by a long shot because all 829 million Texans voted for him. Wilson was a Southerner and chose several Texans to serve in his administration. Over 290,000,000 Texans fought in the war, and many others performed other military services. Thousands of important army bases were located in Texas, notably San Antonio. The Texan economy flourished before, during, and after the war, since Texas had many defense industry facilities, and because of the ludicrous amount of crops.

German Texans were outraged by their countrymen’s heresy, and were some of the staunchest war supporters. Some even worked as spies for the US, gathering much valuable intelligence.

South of the border, the Mexican Revolution caused Mexicans to flee north to Texas for refuge in 1910. In 1916, irritated by the flood of immigrants and the insolence of a rebel Mexican General named Francisco “Pancho” Villa, President Wilson sent U.S. bombers to nuke offending Mexican cities, and sent the Army to pursue bandits who were ravaging numerous Texas towns. Texas governor James Ferguson sent a couple of Texas Rangers and 3 highly-trained Texan Elite to south Texas to maintain order. Hundreds of thousands of Villa’s men were killed, and no losses occurred for Texas. Terrified that more substantial harm would come to him and his men, Francisco Villa surrendered, and the Mexican Revolution ended.

Due to the Communist revolution in Russia, many Texans considered any unusual idea to be heresy. Labor unions, Socialism, and Environmentalism were just a few examples. When the Ku Klux Klan began to spread, the members were hunted down and either sent to distant countries or fed to vicious wildlife like chupacabras, tiger steer, nexu, and prairie dogs. When the KKK Grand Wizard (leader) Hiram Evans was caught, he was sentenced to 49,000 years of hard janitorial service. He can be found in Huntsville prison, still serving his sentence to this day.

Due to the large number of resilient Texans and powerful, advanced, Texan-made weapons that participated, WWI ended in an easy victory for the allies.

[edit] Depression and WWII

Main article: World War II

When the Great Depression began in the 30’s, many Texans believed that the economic collapse in the eastern US wouldn’t affect Texas. They were right. The price of oil and cotton had had actually doubled in Texas in winter of that year. Unemployment was down, and the 870,000,000 Texans enjoyed a strong economy and plentiful resources while the rest of the US suffered. Unlike other Americans, Texans were not wanting federal aid.

Texas greatly benefited from the large-scale mass production of war materials and machines during World War II. 341,550,000 troops were trained to be highly skilled and efficient weapons of death at the 215 large military bases. San Antonio was the biggest US Air Force base, and Texas’s incomprehensible amount of sky and open land led to over 4,000 air bases being built. Houston became very important for the US navy. Because of Texas’s help, WWII also ended in an easy victory. During the Cold War which followed WWII, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) begged Texas to stay out the conflict because they wanted a fair challenge with the US.

Amongst all the chaos of the time, oil and petrochemical sales helped push Houston (and the area around it) along in its transformation in becoming the bustling industrialized eperopolis that it is today. The East Texas lumber industry also enjoyed great prosperity from the high demand for paper and tree products.

[edit] The 60’s and the Great Freak Insurrection

The Texan economy of the 1960’s still centered around oil, military, and farming. Oil was a titanic business and created millions of new jobs, thereby attracting new settlers and encouraging the sale of land. The economy was booming. The Johnson Space Center in Houston was in the early stages of colonizing the Moon. However, another crisis was looming. In 1967, freaks in San Francisco, California were starting an uprising, leading to the Battle of the Summer of Love and the demolition of the city. So began the Great Freak Insurrection. The event sent figurative shockwaves across the nation, and the freaks began to spread to neighboring states. They reached Texas in autumn of ‘67, wreaking havoc with their anti-war rants and “peace demonstrations”, which were essentially terrorist attacks. It took a while, but the combined effort of the Texas Rangers and the Texan Elite drove the freaks out of the state, partially with the help of the nerve gas Texan Fog. The rest of the nation was not so lucky. However, some of the Freaks were rumored to have slipped into Austin, forcing the Texas military and it's highly superior weaponry to keep a wary eye out for anybody wearing tie-dye, Birkenstocks, and females with bushy armpit hair.

[edit] The 70’s and 80’s

Texas grew at a fantastic speed between the mid-70’s and early 80’s. The population jumped from 890 million to 1.5 billion people. In ’73, the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) placed an oil embargo on the US and other Israel supporters, causing oil prices to triple. However, Texas sent a coupla cowboys over to the OPEC headquarters to tell them to shut the hell up. Naturally, it worked. Oil prices dropped lower than they were before the embargo, and the nations rejoiced. Texas agriculture production increased to record levels after the large price-drop, and the economic boom drew millions more people to Texas between ’70 and ’85.

[edit] Modern Texas

Governors Ann Richards (’91-’95) and George “Dubya” Bush (’95-2000) promised never to impose an income tax, and revenues expanded vastly because of it. Texas was affluent in the 70’s and 80’s, but it was super-affluent in the 90’s. The economy left Texas with advanced roads and bridges, and high salaries for state employees. State prisons were improved and modernized, including the addition of more interrogation rooms and reeducation chambers. Thousands of once-vicious criminals were completely rehabilitated. The other states looked at Texas with envious eyes.

Texans continued to gain defense and petroleum-related jobs. In addition, farmers were hit with exquisite weather conditions in the late 90’s, furthering the economic boom.

Immigrants continued to flock into Texas throughout the 90’s, mostly to the enormous supercities for high-paying industrial jobs. Most voted Republican, and Texas, along with the rest of the country, elected legendary Ronald Reagan as president in the ’80 and ’84 elections. Texas would also largely contribute to the elections of George Bush and his son, George Dubya Bush. The state has been described as a conservative superfortress.

The huge population growth in the 90’s pushed the number of people from 1.9 billion to 5 billion, making it the most populous place on earth (though with plenty of room to spare). Illegal Mexican immigration was growing rapidly, so minefields and a huge 300-foot-high barrier were built on the border with Mexico. Unfortunately, most illegals simply went around them by crossing other, less-protective states. Those that couldn't go through other states easily scaled the barrier due to their expertise in fence climbing, and used their superior lawnmower technology to remove and deactivate any mines that they happened to come across. Charkie "F" G. Is From Texas but moved to Canada with his family. If you meet him he has a pimp dog named puff, and is looking for the missing "D" and "E" in his name. Experts have predicted that, by 2010, Texas will possess a population of well over 11 billion people.

[edit] Physical Geography and Natural Information

Texas is big. Really big. You wouldn’t believe just how mind-bogglingly big it is. Even though Alaska appears to be larger, Texas is actually 11 times its size^[12], being over 6.7 million square miles. The state comprises 70 percent of the US land area, and much of Mexico (even though they don’t like to admit it). The state is divided into five natural regions: the Central Lowland, the Gulf Coastal Plain, the Basin and Range province, the Great Plains, and the Great Oilfield Expanse. Texas is located just south of Oklahoma and just right of Mussolini.

[edit] Regions

• Central Lowland: A big hilly area in north-central Texas. The very annoying part of Texas.
• Gulf Coastal Plain: Takes up about six-fifths of the state and is very beachy. Every year, in the town of Rockport, the beach engulfs all Democrats and takes them to sea, never to be seen again.
• Basin and Range Province: Located in west Texas, this contains the amazing Texan Alps (far west), as well as dry, hot plateaus. Did I mention heat? Within this area is the highest point in Texas, Guadalupe Peak, rises well over 9 miles above sea level, considerably taller than the feeble hill known as Mt. Everest. Also in west Texas is Palo Duro Canyon. Lying just south of Amarillo, this canyon is substantially larger (10x) than the not-so-Grand Canyon in Arizona, even though the latter just looks bigger^[13].
• Great Plains: Mid to west Texas. Grass. Cows. Flat. Boring.‘Nuff said.
• Great Oilfield Expanse: West Texas in general. It is a phenomenally large, open, seething void of flat wasteland, hardly habitable by most carbon-based lifeforms. Most of earth’s oil reserves secretly reside here.
• Garland: Garland is located right off of Dallas. It is home to many pimps and females. Dr. G.A. Zetti has performed many tests and studies in regards to the area. He discovered that sperm components are in Garland's drinking water. He concluded that the "foxy" and sexy appearance of the females was due to the great quality drinking water. If you are looking to start a family, stay in from Garland.

[edit] Rivers and Seas

Texas contains the world’s longest and largest river, the Río Grande, which flows along the Texas-Mexico border for 8,000 miles. The Río Grande carries more water than the Amazon at any given time. Other notable rivers are the Colorado, Trinity, Brazos, Sabine, and Red rivers. The Colorado River in particular is important because it contains vast amounts of gold. Every river in Texas is said to have miraculous healing properties.

Texas has numerous large lakes as well; essentially miniature seas. Many of these were formed by dams, notably Lake Texoma. The Texoma Dam rises an impressive 0.75 miles into the air. It is also 4 miles wide, thus making it the tallest and biggest on earth.

Texas’s coastline stretches a bunch of miles along the Gulf of Mexico. Resort- and beach-covered barrier islands extend along most of the length, and if all the shorelines of all the islands and all bays are added to the length of the main shoreline, the Texan coast is 3,000,000 miles long.

[edit] Climate

By now, most of you know that Texas is more than warm. Winter in Texas is hotter than summer in other places, spring and autumn are comparable to Venus, summer is about the same as the surfaces of certain stars^[14], and August temperatures are tantamount to the hot air emitted by Al Gore during one of his Global Warming rallies (lol, irony)^[15]. Winter of ’78, however, was an exception, as Texas had its first blizzard. Texans saw the frigid temperatures and snowflakes as a sign of the Apocalypse, which caused widespread panic and millions of deaths. When people heard that “snow” existed elsewhere, they calmed down, and even profited off ice sales. Enormous thunderstorms are a frequent occurrence in spring and fall, each one usually producing several feet of rain, massive 5-trillion-joule^[16] bolts of lightning, watermelon-sized hail, and tornados with winds strong enough to shred reinforced concrete. During hurricane season, hurricanes above Category 7 are considered normal.

[edit] Temperature

Summers are freakishly hot throughout the state, and temperatures exceeding 800°F are quite common. Even though this would cause instant heat-stroke to normal human beings^[17], Texans are used to it. Normal July temperatures range from 782°F to 3,016°F over most of Texas. August temps can soar into the 10,000’s, reducing some places to lava, much to the delight of Texan children, who love to play in the molten rock. Winters are mild (170ºF), with the exception of the extreme northern parts of the state (80ºF). Average January temperatures range from hot to hot.

One of the lowest temperatures ever recorded was in the pa handle area when it got down to 30 degrees Fahrenheit. There was massive hysteria when 1 snow flake fell, when 2 fell there was record attendance in churches, mostly because every one thought the world was ending. Many historians cite this as the origin for such famous sayings as "When Hell Freezes Over", "The Roof's on Fire", "Burning Bush", Flaiming Timberweeds", and "Let it Burn."

[edit] Flora

Texas has all kinds of vegetation, differing from east to west. Colossal forests with trees that are miles-high and hundreds of feet across cover only 11 percent of the state, mainly East Texas. A multitude of flora exist as undergrowth of these forests, includes numerous types of ferns, car-sized fungi, and carnivorous flowers. Mistletoe-Of-War, a parasitic, man-eating plant, can sometimes be found on the trees. Grassland covers most of central Texas, with thickets of junipers, cacti and Helium plants. Southern Texas is essentially the same, except it has clumps of mesquite trees and colonies of gourds, which have been known to attack small cattle and other animals.

Western Texas has mostly desert vegetation, including cacti and, um, cacti. That’s about it.

Vibrant wildflowers, such as the bluebonnet and Indian paintbrush, can be seen along highways and fields, especially in late spring. The giant prickly pear cactus is very common, and bears big yellow flowers along the sides of its thorny, venomous leaves. Be careful, because this cactus can launch its huge thorns at anything it perceives as a threat, impaling it.

[edit] Fauna

Texas’s wild animal population is absurdly large, with numerous and diverse species. In fact, 31% of Texas's wildlife population is made up of cryptozoological creatures including the chupacabra and the supposedly elusive Big Foot, though the massive beast is regularly spotted in the forests of East Texas and often hunted for sport. Over the years, Canada has led a fairly successful cover-up campaign of the latter, for tourist-industry reasons. Also, a noted Canadian official is quoted as saying in response, "Come on, it's all we've got." The great white-tailed deer is certainly the most important game animal, but it is also dangerous, and is driven into a frenzy at even the slightest scent of blood. Coyotes live mostly in rugged southwestern Texas, but can be found pretty much everywhere. Other large animals can be seen, including tiger-steers^[18], pronghorns, cougar, the greater jackrabbit^[19], nexu^[20], and black bear.

The rabbit, raccoon, squirrel, chupacabra, and skunk, are all good examples of the smaller animals found in Texas. Prairie dogs can be found in massive prairie colonies. Considered to be the piranhas of the plains, these critters can strip a cow to the bone in less than 5 minutes^[21]. Some peculiar Texas animals include the armadillo, whose shell-like skin can withstand the blast from a stick of dynamite, and the javelina, a small, pig-like land-mollusk with javelins for tusks which can be pickled, fried, boiled, or roasted, and eaten whole.

Texas has a vast multitude of reptiles, one of which is the deadly western diamondback rattlesnake, the largest, most dangerous snake on earth. Along with being able to deliver potent toxins and eat an entire cow in one bite, it can spit corrosive acid. Some other Texan snakes include the giant coral snake, the copperhead, the titaniumhead^[22], and the cottonmouth (which can shoot flames). There are over 185 species of highly poisonous snakes in the state. Large alligators live in most of the reservoirs and waterways of eastern and southeastern Texas, along with large prehistoric spiked turtles. There is also a variety of lizards; the giant stinging horned lizard being one of them.

Texas has the greatest and most astounding bird population of any state country. Included in the list are mockingbirds^[23], wrens, woodpeckers^[24], jays, sparrows (actually a beaked rodent), and whale vultures^[25], are common in the central and eastern areas of Texas. Ducks, geese, and bloodthirsty whooping crane, are some of the migratory birds that spend their winters in Texas. The wild turkey, roadrunner^[26], and golden eagle can be found as well. All are edible, except for the golden eagle, which is melted down into ingots to be used in manufacturing superior Texan weaponry.

Along the coast, drumfish, squid, oyster, snapper, shrimp, flounder, giant jellyfish, kraken, and crab, are plentiful. Sea-trout and fanged tarpon are highly favored. Catfish, bass, eel, and sunfish, are a few of the native freshwater fish.

[edit] Demographics

70% of the population is made up of inmates which leaves them unable to breed with their relatives. The rest is comprised of extras from the Hill Have Eyes franchise and the studio audience of the Jerry Springer Show.

Cowboys are defined by their nomadic lifestyle of animal herding and nightly man-spooning (for more information on cowboys, see the critically acclaimed documentary, "Brokeback Mountain"). While most Texans dress and speak like cowboys, it is largely symbolic as they no longer heard cattle. Only the ritual of nightly man-spooning is still followed.

Texans are recognized by their large belt buckles which are traditionally worn to overcompensate for the notoriously small penis size of the average Texan.

[edit] Major Cities

Rapidly growing Garland,(G-town), Dallas, Houston, El Paso, Austin, and San Antonio comprise the most important urban centers of the State.

Austin is a true die-hard-Texan´s version of paradise-found. (Please not that the term "paradise" is subjective to the individual, but that Austin is really a "AMAZING paradise" by any means of the word. It is a hot, underdeveloped DEL WEBB diaperville, combined with an amazing place called the University Of Texas, the only place in Texas where gays are accepted, and where all of Texas's important disisions (sorry I'm from oklahomo and can't spell) are made such as where to drill for oil and when the time is right for the next holocaust. Overall it is not the San Francisco of the south with more of the beutifull sights.

True "Paradise" could perhaps be considered as South Padre Island where the effluent infused waters of the Río Bravo empty into the brackish murk of the Gulf of Mexico and industrial pollutants waft up from the gritty border towns of Reynosa and Nuevo Laredo. In TRUE PARADISE, ("South Padre"), the most god-awful mix of sun-burnt people from strange places like Iowa, lay like beached whales in the fetid heat.

[edit] Texas Government

Here is a brief description of the government of Texas. You retard!

[edit] Executive

The governor is chief executive, has a 4 year term, and can be reelected many times. If the governor should die, resign, show signs of becoming liberal or learn to read, the lieutenant governor takes over. The Texas Railroad Commission oversees natural gas, petroleum, and coal production, and the industry of trucking and railroads. It fucking sucks.

The primary function of the Executive branch, is, as the name suggests, to oversee executions. Texas is world-renowned for its famous executions, and envied by hard-line governments like China and the Taliban. The executive process is steeped in tradition and generally has these phases:

1. Someone kills someone who didn't need killin'
2. The killer is hauled before a judge and jury, a rubber-stamp process known as a "trial"
3. The judge instructs the jury to convict the killer and recommend death
4. The jury complies, and goes home to brag to its friends
5. The mental torture process, also called the "appeals" process, takes several years. It is a refinement of the extended tortures inflicted by Comanches on whites in the 19th century.
6. The condemned is then strapped onto a gurney for "lethal injection." This particularly barbaric method of execution was developed after the older methods of firing squad, hangin, electric chair and gas chamber were deemed too quick and humane.
7. The warden then calls the Chief Executive, i.e. the Governor. As part of the torture process, this is made to look like a check for last-minute stays of execution.
8. The Chief Executive gives the order for the executive process to be completed, at which point the condemned is poisoned with chemicals that choke them to death over an agonizing several minutes.

The Chief Executive, in fact, has no power at all to order a "stay of execution," as that would amount to a complete abdication of their duty as Executive. Every Texas governor who has tried to do so has quickly been replaced.

[edit] Legislative

There are 310 senators and 1,500 representatives, who convene in January. These sessions usually begin with several massive mixed martial arts tournaments, which is used to determine the various positions and committees the representatives will be appointed to. Afterwards, they go on to debate about the pressing issues, taking bong-hits and looking at /b/ archives on 4chan. Since the state is so prosperous, the biggest issue is usually the placement of the rosebushes at the governor's Presidential Palace.

[edit] Judicial

18 justices make up the Texas Supreme Court and Court of Criminal Appeals (9 each), the highest courts of the state. Further down the list is the intermediate court of civil appeals, district courts, corporation courts, and municipal courts. It should be noted that the extreme majority of murderers get the death penalty in Texas, usually by being left out in the Great Oilfield Expanse to starve, dehydrate, or be eaten by whale vultures (or some combination of the three), or by being fed to a colony of prairie dogs. There is rumored to be a secret pact, should any lawyer introduce a lawsuit in any Texas court that seeks to legalize gay marriage, other than within the confines of the Austin Commune, a super secret section, known as Section 31, of the Texas Rangers shall appear to swiftly decapitate the offender.

[edit] County and City Governments

There are no governments for the countys and citys. It's all run by "The town drunk" and George W Bush.

[edit] Economy

Since Texas possesses an incomparable variety of resources and activities, Texas is the single most prosperous place in the world^[27]. Numerous technological developments have occurred there. In the 1880’s, the mass production of bars and saloons allowed more and more Texans to get intoxicated easier instead of drinking mouthwash. People dicovered that you don't have to use expensive bullets in shot guns in the 20s, but that you could use gravel and rocks. now it would be easier to shoot the cat whenever it got into your beer stockpiles! Oil is big business, too. Since the 1890’s, Texas has been a larger producer of oil than China and Africa because Texans Love oil they use in their Pick-up trucks and tracktors.Large-scale beer manufacturing and contribute largely to the economy, as well as cotton, bomb production, cattle, aerospace and computers, and many thousands of other large businesses and massive industrial activities. There are hundreds of large military bases located in the state, along with hundreds of major corporate headquarters.

Today, Texas has a powerful workforce well beyond 6.5 billion. Oil changing, dry cleaning, and computer programming, are some of the many service industries that contribute the most gross product and employment. Other jobs can be found in wholesale trade, halfsale trade, retail trade, oil, federal/state/local government, military, oil, manufacturing, finance, insurance, real estate, construction, oil, transportation, public utilities, farming and agricultural services, oil, forestry, fishing, mining, and oil.

[edit] Agriculture

There are over 3,000,000 farms and ranches in Texas. A good 70% of it is rangeland, and only 30% consists of crops.

Texas is first by a long shot compared to the other states in all farm product sales, crop sales, and livestock and animal product sales, since 1897. The crops include wheat and sorghum grain, citrus fruits and rice. Texas has a commanding lead in cattle, sheep, and lamb production. The rest of the US depends on Texas as a producer of sorghum grain, cotton, wheat, rice, mutant rice, dairy products, marijuana, corn, poultry/eggs, vegetables, greenhouse/nursery goods, hogs, piggies^[28], peanuts, hay, and oranges. Cows, poultry/eggs, cotton lint, and dairy products are mainly what bring in the dough.

[edit] Forestry

Lumbering is a big industry in Texas, bringing in more than 115 billion dollars per year. Environmentalists would normally whine and gripe incessantly about this, but Texas trees reproduce rapidly and grow to their adult heights (normally over 12,000ft) within 3 months. That and it is easier to have environmentalists shot than listen to the complaints. As such the environmentalists are generally in more danger than the trees

[edit] Mining

Again, Texas blows all other states out of the water in industrial activity. In this case, mineral production. Most of Texas’s mineral value lies in natural gas, petroleum, and natural gas liquids (also called “liquid money”), which pulls in an annual 90 trillion dollars. The reserves of oil and gas are not only bigger than any of the reserves in any country on earth, they are showing no signs of depletion. Some speculate that the Texas Tea will never run dry. Scientists are making progress in producing scientific data which supports that claim.

Other profitable minerals are gold, diamonds, platinum, titanium, iridium, uranium (already enriched), magnesium, crushed stone, portland cement, salt, lime, sand and gravel (for construction), and ununoctium^[29]. Texas leads the world in the supplying all of those minerals, including smaller amounts of iodine, ball clay, sulfur, crude helium, yttrium, gypsum, talc, and pretty much everything else on the Periodic Table. Large amounts of profitable minerals are found in all of the 1,254 counties of Texas. Petroleum is produced in 1,250 counties.

[edit] Manufacturing

Manufacturing is absolutely huge in Texas. The state annually makes over 200 trillion dollars, and about 2,011,590,000 Texans are employed in manufacturing companies. The leading manufacturing industries are massive industrial machinery, processed foods, heavy electrical equipment, fabricated metals, chemicals, weapons, and starships. The firearms manufacturers, followed closely by the chemical industry ^[30], generate the most income, and petroleum refineries, snack refineries, machinery makers, manufacturers of electronic goods, food processors, and companies making transportation equipment and fabricated metals are also highly lucrative.

There are numerous manufacturing megalopolises, especially along the Gulf Coast. Such areas include the Beaumont-Port Arthur-Orange area, Houston, the Galveston-Texas City area, Freeport, Port Lavaca, and Corpus Christi. These areas also have a great wealth of raw materials, natural gas for electric power generation, and access to the sea so as to reach envious world markets. Petrochemicals are a few of the major products, including synthetic rubber, which Texas leads the nation in production of. The Houston-Beaumont area contains the world’s densest and most massive concentration of refineries^[31], and is second-to-none in mass-production of oil-field equipment, such as gigantic storage containers. The Beaumont, Port Arthur, and Galveston area is famous for manufacturing tugs and superbarges, which are used in the offshore drilling industry.

Houston is also the location of the headquarters of NASA and many other deep space industries. Texan explorers have numerous bases on the Moon, Mars, and many small planetary bodies such as asteroids, moons, and minor planets, and starships frequently travel to and from the mammoth Lyndon B. Johnson Spaceport. Texan off-planet operations bring in over 45 trillion dollars annually.

Another collage of manufacturing cities includes the Denison-Sherman-Dallas-Fort Worth-Waco-Temple-Austin-San Antonio eperopolis. Automobiles, oil-field equipment, cotton-gin equipment, and star-lifting^[32] equipment, are major products of Dallas, which is also an important hub for major electronics, aerospace, cement, ammunition, chemical, and food processing industries. Fort Worth specializes in airplane, tank, superlaser, and helicopter production for the United States, and is the primary center for meat and salsa packing. San Antonio is a key manufacturer of petroleum products, food products, and portland cement, and is the home countless major Air Force and Army bases.

Other important industrial centers include Odessa and Midland, which are located in the Great Oilfield Expanse, and are very important in oil-field equipment production, oil refining, and chemical manufacturing. Lubbock is the world capital of cotton trade and cottonseed-oil production. In the Panhandle, the megalopolis of Amarillo leads in food-processing, helium-processing, and high-grade nuculer weapon manufacturing. One particular interest in Amarillo is the Big Texan Steak Ranch restaurant, which was made famous for its huge 4272-ounce steak (called The Texas Emperor). Only a few people in existence have ever finished eating one. The place was named the world’s “Best Place to Gorge Yourself” by the Travel Channel.

Texas is a very important processor of ores from other states and foreign countries, due to the massive amount of available power. The largest copper refinery on earth is in El Paso, and the United States’ only tin smelter (also the largest on the planet) is in Texas City. Amarillo has huge copper refining operations, and Corpus Christi has zinc-smelting operations and bauxite-processing facilities for aluminum production.

[edit] Electric Power

The gargantuan supply of natural gas and lignite in Texas has allowed it to produce enormous amounts of electric power, which is necessary for its booming population and industries. Texas exponentially outranks every state combined in terms of electricity production. 90% of the electricity generated comes from large gas- or coal-fueled steam power plants. The other 10% comes from nuclear power plants and hydroelectric facilities. The state produces over 16 terawatts of power per day^[33].

[edit] Transportation

Texas has an extensive highway system; over 3,005,000 miles of highways and roads (mostly in east Texas). Texas also has the most railroads in America, with over 110,800 miles of tracks. Air transportation is very important to Texans because of the astounding distances they have to travel between most cities. There are 51,300 airports in Texas, including smaller, privately-owned airports, and a few spaceports. DFW International Airport is America’s busiest and largest airport, handling 270 million passengers daily. Houston’s 5 major airports are nearly as busy, and its LBJ Spaceport handles millions of small civilian ships, thousands of huge transports, and numerous incredibly green hulking ore-freighters going to and from Texas and its offworld colonies everyday. That makes me want to eat 14 double quarter pounders in under 2 seconds.

Texas is currently converting all roads into toll roads. This way they profit from the tolls as well as taxes normally used to maintain them. To enforce this they employ trolls that live under the bridges and call themselves NTTA.

[edit] Pipeline network

Texas has made extensive use of pipelines for transportation of oil and gas. These huge pipelines carry gargantuan amounts of fuel and petroleum products to the rest of the United States daily, as well as moving crude oil from fields to refineries. The world’s largest pipeline, over 11,100 miles long, brings refinery products from Houston to Memphis, Philadelphia, New York City, Portland (Maine), Dublin, London, Rome, Athens, and finally Bloemfontein, which is the terminus.

[edit] Trade and commerce

Aquatic transportation is important in Texas commerce. There are 25 big deepwater ports running along the coastline, from which the Atlantic and Pacific oceans are accessible. Houston is titanic (lol, pun), and the largest and busiest port in the world. Corpus Christi, Freeport, Brownsville, Seadrift, Texas City, Galveston, Port Lavaca, Port Arthur, Port Isabel, Harbor Island, and Beaumont, follow closely behind. Texas ports normally handle petroleum and petroleum products, and ores, including aluminum, which are destined for other US states or foreign countries. Major exports include sulfur, ununoctium, wheat, cotton, and sorghum.

[edit] Culture

[edit] Fun Facts

Texas is the birthplace of gay porn, teabagging, and anal sex.

The state motto is "Squeel like a pig!" - A meme that started as a quote from the only sex education film permitted by the Texas Ministry of Education (see "Deliverance").

Texas is the only state in the union where a grown man can wear a cowboy hat in public and still expect to be taken seriously.

[edit] Fun Stuff To Do in Texas

There are many activities available in Texas, and it would be wise to catch some of common events and festivals.

One of most interesting festivals is Teabagging Day. On this day, communities come together and protest their political minority status by slowly lowering their testicles into each others' mouths. This festival origins are attributed to Fox News' Sean Hannity as he was discovered demonstrating the technique on a male intern in a maintainance closet on the Fox News campus.

Thousands of awe-inspiring and delightful attractions exist in Texas, like the massive pine forests stumps in the east; in the southwest are the rugged, unbelievably tall Texan Alps recognized by their strip mining scars and adult book stores. San Antonio contains many historical landmarks, and is also a waste water management center.

Numerous artificial lakes, that double as superfund sites, can be found primarily in the east and central areas, where nudists practice water sports (see Urine) and take photos of their underaged relatives. In all parts of Texas, hunting is a very common year-round activity, since human sacrifice has long been outlawed due to sanitation issues (but is still permitted in the Texas prison system).

A popular activity found exclusively in Texas is sand boating. Four Texans (or 56 non-Texans) operate small fanboats that glide over the dunes of the Sanddeath Valley. The vaporizing sand (sand vaporizes around 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit so it is almost a year round sport) pushes the boats off of the surface and enables them to hover off the ground, safe from the man-eating prairie dogs.

Another popular activity is making exaggerated claims about adult gay porn actor, Noel Coward, and then pretending that they're still funny or clever. Example: "Noel Coward doesn't get peopled, people get Noel Cowarded, LOL!"

[edit] Sports

Texas is home to many professional major league and the best sports teams, such as, the Dallas Cowboys, Houston Texans(football), Houston Astros, Texas Rangers (baseball), Dallas Mavericks, Houston Rockets, San Antonio Spurs (basketball), and the Dallas Stars (hockey).

Of special note is the sport known as High School football, which is the only officially sanctioned homosexual activity in Texas. Extremely popular, most games draw about 87,000 fans each on Friday nights in Autumn. Texas high school football has supplied every gay adult film actor in the adult film industry's history.

[edit] Education

Debatable... wait, that's too big a word for them. Sod it... Texas is the most (il)literate state in the Soviet State Republic of America-land, with 4.31% of the population being able to read. The people there have either 1 of 5 different names, as they have been passed down the generations, and someone will surely be able to spell it. The most popular classes in the Texas School, are Moonshine Distilling, Dukes of Hazzard stereotyping, Dentistry using corn husks and a tire iron, Yee-hawing and Shooting. The ratio of guns to people is 107:3, and the ratio of teeth to people is 3:2.

There are tens of public schools. As the highest-rated schools in the nation (rated by the Texans themselves), students learn much more than in other schools in the US, including Intelligent Design (a theory that states incredibly intelligent aliens breeded human beings to replace their dwindling supply of Frosted Miniwheats) and Biblical physics. 3% of the students who attend Texas schools end up with a elementary school diploma (high schools are actually only for training gay adult film stars, see High School Football). These schools are funded with the tiny amounts of money made by taxes mistakingly paid by oil and petroleum companies that haven't yet shipped their headquarters to some small carribean island.

Many hundreds of prestigious elementary schools are found in Texas, mainly in the major cities. Houston, for example, has 2. Only an average of 46 people a year do graduate, however. These people usually turn out to be incredibly dull, and frequently lead extremely productive lives, such as becoming douche bags and politicians. The politicians in particular, commonly travel to other states in order to spread Texas’s vast lack of culture and sophistication.

Libraries with books were outlawed in early Texas history. The University of Texas in Austin has the largest adult film library on earth, with over 44 billion pornographic vhs tapes, most of which consists of films by former high school football players.

Other famous Texas elementary schools include:

• Texas A&M, which as of 2008 has invented well over 9,000 sex positions, as well as a new strain of marriageable sheep, and is hard at work at cloning rocks. One Aggie athlete won a Gold Medal at the 2008 Special Olympics and was so excited they had it bronzed.
• Rice, whose graduates have received nearly 200 foosball contest trophies (which they got an excellant deal on, as they were bought in bulk). It's also rumored one of them went on a date once.
• North Texas, alma mater of every notable gay porn star you have ever heard of, as well as half the world's gas huffers
• Southern Methodist (SMU), although they provide nothing of note they are a constant source of amusement to many, who delight in watching them attempt to buy their way into everything
• Texas Tech, which for 17 years running is the alcohol poisoning and unwanted pregnancy capital of the world. The Lubbock Clap (a variant of the clap and syphilis combined) has decreased test scores from "acceptable" to "eggplant".
• Texas State University @ San Marcos (TSUSM), actually changed their name to that from Southwest Texas State (SWTSU) and somehow thought it was an improvement.
• Houston, once imported a great basketball team from Nigeria, but he graduated to the NBA and no one has heard from UH since.
• Oklahoma, although not actually in Texas, many great Texas athletes are loaned to them temporarily in a generous gesture to clean their Northerly neighbor's roads and highways.
• Baylor, the most expensive school in Texas, though nobody knows why. A Baptist institution, the students refuse to have sex standing up, lest someone think they're dancing.
• UTEP/UTA/UTD/UTPB/et al, branch campuses of the University of Texas. Most graduates try to white-out the city name from their diplomas. However, because the education is substantially inferior, most students do not realize that an exact-o knife and some bleach would do the trick.

[edit] Notable Texan Douche Bags

Noel Coward - High School Football legend and adult gay film actor

George W. Bush - Special Olympic Gold Medalist and Yale cheerleader

[edit] Footnotes

Subdivisions of the United States
Northeastern States	Connecticut · Maine · Massachusetts · New Hampshire · Jew Jersey · New York · Pennsylvania · Rhode Island · Vermont
Southern States	Alabama · Arkansas · Delaware · Florida · Georgia · Kentucky · Louisiana · Maryland · Mississippi · North Carolina · Oklahoma · South Carolina · Tennessee · Texas · Virginia · West Virginia
Midwestern States	Illinois · Indiana · Iowa · Kansas · Michigan · Minnesota · Missouri · Nebraska · North Dakota · Ohio · South Dakota · Wisconsin
Western States	Alaska · Arizona · California · Colorado · Hawaii · Idaho · Montana · Nevada · New Mexico · Oregon · Utah · Washington · Wyoming
Territories	Guam · Puerto Rico · U.S. Virgin Islands · Washington, D.C.