Thane Seasunk

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Thane Seasunk was born in a small fishing country just south of Canada and many people believe that this is where he became obsessed with all things evil. His exploits include: attempting to open a smoothie shop, attempting to coat the moon in mayonnaise, and singing annoying songs[1] over and over until they get stuck in your head.


Evil Evil Eeeeevviilll...[edit]

Thane Seasunk became infatuated with evil at the tender age of seven, when he attempted to put his pet gerbil in a large vat of jello. He went through an unfortunate childhood which included a lion, a witch, a wardrobe, and a clown named Bobo. He was an experienced bounty hunter for several years, and then finally met up with Jay Valark.


The Valark Years[edit]

Thane partnered up with the highly evil Jay Valark for several years, until, disgusted with Valark, locked him in a giant vat of melted chocolate. This event has not been validated by Valark himself, but many speculators credit this to the fact that Valark has not been seen in 93 years. He wandered the countryside for many years after, and met an elderly black war veteran wearing a toga and roller skates who appeared to be addicted to tuna. It was due to a severe case of guilt after heartlessly destroying this madman than Thane eventually became a lowly kitten thief for several years, working with a relatively unkown criminal, "The Flawlor." Thane finally became addicted to snorting pixie sticks, and wound up in a rehabilitation home with Brittany Spears, whom declined comment.

The Alleged Return of Valark[edit]

Thane remained in the rehabilitation home for several years, falling into a term of depression when he heard that Roberts, the owner of a large dairy plant, had murdered his father. Thane swore to destroy the earth and all who opposed him. Several months later, he claimed to have reunited with Valark, who he says was not really dead, and believes that they went on an epic quest to find the holy grail. Valark denied comment on any of these claims, but again, speculators believe this could be yet another sign that Valark is, in fact, dead. After his alleged adventure, Thane fell into the sick rutt of telling really annoying jokes. Thane became addicted to the games blackjack, poker, and Atom Smasher, and began to play them constantly. He began to go slowly insane and attempted to coat the moon in mayonnaise, an exploit which, sadly, failed.

What now?[edit]

Thane has expressed a desire to take up golf and to eat gingerbread. He claims his life of crime is behind him, although he has tried to break into the parallel dimension numerous times. Annalists do not believe Thane to be a threat, as Thane can pretend to be plotting your doom while pretending to be completely incompetent.