That Catholic Thing

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Cquote1.png God made man; He looked at his work and smiled contently. He then took from Adam a rib, and He used his powers to make a companion for him, named Eve. The Almighty that set to work making animals and lawyers. He then, however, had an idea - why not make something so outrageous, so unbelievable, so hypocritical, that everyone will believe it? He then made That Catholic Thing. Cquote2.png

—Bible - Chapter 50, Verse 2.4, Cited source

Bible description of the making of That Catholic Thing

Although people claim being a priest is stressing work, they're a happy bunch really...

That Catholic Thing (commonly entitled WTF?) is a thing that no one really knows, yet everyone knows at the same time. It is used by many people, but especially priests to try and not get in trouble with the law. Although That Catholic Thing has been around since the dawn of time, it has only commonly been brought into play in the last 200 years, when Catholics have started to become sneaky bastards.

Who Can Use That Catholic Thing?[edit]

The easy answer is everybody, but that's vague and, quite frankly, plain wrong. Many people can't use That Catholic Thing as an excuse to get out of anything, so you need a list to see if you're eligible to use it, don't you?

Who can't use That Catholic Thing as an excuse?

1. Blacks - they've had it hard for many years, but the Catholics like kicking people when they're down.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't!

2. Jews - the scapegoats of, well, everyone for the past few hundred years, Jews still can't vote in some countries. Oh and, also, they can't use That Catholic Thing. Shame.

3. Old people - although many priests are old, they don't like their fragile, powerless brethren (especially those who shit themselves).

4. Everyone else that Catholicism decides it doesn't like, usually at the drop of a hat - they don't need a reason, they just need to not like them. So far Catholics have hated: cancer patients, cancer survivors, people without cancer, babies with cancer, babies without cancer, lepers with cancer, lepers without cancer, lepers without limbs, lepers that are lepers, disabled people, abled people, sheep, dogs, farmers, God and Moses. Who'll be next?

What Excuses do Priests Give?[edit]

When a person reaches priests age (around about 300), they can decide whether they want to be a priest or not. If they decide they do, they are given an A4 piece of orange paper, on which states the excuses given for any number of incidents. In this handy table, I will describe some to you:

  • "Sorry Officer, I am running late for confession. You don't want God to hate you for stopping me, do you? And I'm Catholic."
Sexual Assault of a Minor
  • "It's not your daughter/son, what do you care? And I'm Catholic."
  • "God wants this...He wants it so bad...and so do I! And I'm Catholic."
  • "I'm only teaching her about the human body. That's no crime, is it? And I'm Catholic."
GBH or any assualt charges
  • "He was dissing God, I needed to show him what God's wrath is like! And I'm Catholic."
  • "God wanted that sinner to get hurt, and show him the error of his ways. And I'm Catholic."
Caught in the Posession of Drugs
  • "God wants me to get high...It helps with my confession. And I'm Catholic."
Caught Stealing
  • "Yeah, God wants some CDs. He took all my money and told me that he wanted to listen to REM. Would could I do? And I'm Catholic."
  • "Did I mention I'm Catholic?"

How Can You Stop This Terror?[edit]

Many people don't want this to continue - they have had enough of all these Catholics getting away with shit. There are now many people in your area that are part of the 'Neighbourhood Isn't God Great Anyway Schemes' (NIGGAS) which plan to end all this once and for all. Join up today at your local NIGGA's house.

Further Reading[edit]

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Michael Barrymore's Guide to Pool Parties by Michael Barrymore

The Catholic Race: The Old Nazis? by The Pope.