The "No Gaijin Allowed"'s of Japan
Japan can be a very hospitable country to visit for the
non-black gaijin. In fact, being able to choke out the words "Good morning" in Japanese (おあほうでございます "Ohayo gozaimasu") is often enough to get you head when encountering a sufficiently snaggletoothed whore. (Note: If you are blond and tall, you may be able to land a snaggletoothed whore with fairly nice gazongas). However, not all is fine and dandy for the gaijin Japan-goer especially if you are black, as there are some things that the Japanese will cling to like it was a high-school girl's crotch on a commuter train in order to resist its Western defilement.
Massage Parlors (i.e. The Stop 'n' Fuck)
The most celebrated pastime of the gaijin in Japan is undoubtedly the tagging of Japanese poontang. But as is the human condition, things do not always go the way the gaijin hopes. For this sort of hard-luck fellow, Japanese Massage Parlors appear as an oasis amidst the dingy Pokemon-littered streets. However, as the happy shiny sign posted on the window indicates, these places are "Japanese Only".
Bummer. Below are the top excuses given to gaijin for not being able to receive this service when approached:
- Oh! But you have too big penis!
- Oh! But you so white!
- Oh! But you so dark!
- Oh! But you so hairy!
- Oh! But you have the BAD AIDS!
- Oh! No!
Historical Hollywood Note: Gaijin in theatres across the world cheered when in the 2003 Jean Claude Van Damme vehicle, "To My Ninja, With Love", Van Damme's character, Richard Johnson, jumped and spin-slashed the "No Gaijin or Dogs Allowed" sign in half with his limp unit upon being denied entrance to a Japanese massage parlor.
Drinking establishments in Hokkaido
In general, this applies only to Russians. However, do you think a Japanese person can tell a Russian from say, a Canadian? (Answer: No.)
Excuse given for refusal:
- "You just get off work and god know you have enough vodka today."
In protest, the following excuses are often given by the persistent gaijin, but to no avail.
- "Both of my sisters work here pouring you bastards drinks and I can't get a goddamn beer?!"
- "In Soviet Russia, a bar enters the Japanese man! (Note: The "bar" is long, sharp and pointed)
It is a well known fact that all gaijin spend 75% of their paycheck imbibing obscenely overpriced liquor in Roppongi bars as they try to hit on the skanky vixens therein. Another 20% of that goes toward buying drinks for said skanky vixens, leaving a mere 5% of their English conversation school salary to pay for luxuries such as food and shelter. Much less could they pay their credit card bill after making impulse purchases of authentic samurai swords, size XXXL kimonos and whatever the hell their incessant drunkenness may influence them to buy. Therefore, any credit card application with a name written in alphabet letters by a person stating their occupation as "teacher" is automatically filtered to a big sack and later used for pet cage lining. In response, a one-page letter written in incomprehensibly polite Japanese is sufficient. The gaijin will get the point.
Insider gaijin secret: Little do the Japanese know that gaijin English teachers are grossly overpaid and even 5% of their salary is more than enough to buy a state-of-the-art plasma TV at Akihabara.
To the gaijin desiring residence in Japan (usually due to yellow fever), perhaps one of the most troubling of the No Gaijin Policies is the one that may leave you sleeping on a park bench in Yoyogi Park every night with resourceful teenagers making love on top of you: The housing problem.
Ignorantly you think, "I have money. You have open room. Give to me." However, if you've come to Japan hoping for such obvious reasoning to prevail, you've apparently mistaken it for an advanced nation.
In 2002, a German expatriate (who will remain anonymous to protect his identity) lifted the updated Gaijin Repulsion Handbook from the corpse of a messenger ninja on a delivery mission who was brutally trampled by old women running to the site of a Yon-sama sighting. In this shocking document, the following reasons were given for not allowing residence to gaijin:
- They stink.
- They wear shoes.
- Their fat asses cause damage to furniture and windows.
However, a ray of hope exists within this dark tome, as they also detail conditions by which the barbarian may be granted residence in one of their shitholes:
- You are not black.
- You can say more than five phrases in Japanese. (Gaijin generally fail here, because "Biiru kudasai" (黄金水を浴びせかけておくれ。 "Beer please") is officially not counted among the five.
- You are not black.
- Oh! You can use chopsticks!
- You are not black.
- You let them bukkake on you on Saturday nights.
- You are not black.
Note: The above conditions only come into effect after agreeing to sever off your genitals and offer them to the Emperor (assuming you are not black).
The Ninja X of Rejection
Aside form verbal excuses, attempted entry into any of the above havens of lingering Japanese Purity by the gaijin will promptly be met with the Ninja X of Rejection. The Ninja X of Rejection is a technique learned by all Japanese first in kindergarten and is generally perfected by the age of 32. This vicious gesture is performed by crossing both hands in front of the chest and forming an X. Depending on the emergency of the situation, the gesture may be repeated in rapid succession, and is sometimes accompanied with the exorcistic mantra of "Dame, Dame!" (だめだめ）", which translates roughly to, "Back, foul beast!".
The Ninja X of Rejection is said to be the #2 cause of death among foreigners in Japan, following close behind drowning by guerrilla bukkake ambushings. Fortunately for the gaijin, the potency per capita of the Ninja X of Rejection has declined drastically over the last 50 years, due to the pervasion of Western culture and the decrease of Japanese Purity. However, when performed by a Master of the Art, it is still able to emit laser beams capable of piercing clean through the body of 2.5 adult males
or one fat American.
Countermeasures for the Gaijin
Just give it up. Gaijin pretty much deserve it anyway.
|This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series|
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History: Prehistory | Kamakura/Minamoto Shogunate | Muromachi/Ashikaga Shogunate | Sengoku Period | Azuchi/Oda Shogunate (Incident at Honnō-ji) | Edo/Tokugawa Shogunate | Empire of Japan | 2011 Earthquake in the Land of the Rising Sun