The 4400

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4400 people were Put Back.

It was widely believed that the 4400 were returned to Earth in a Ball of Light, however further study showed that they may have actually returned in a large nitro-charged rogue tumbleweed from space. The usual components of space tumbleweed is said to give any living thing extraordinary powers and abilities. The entity responsible for the abduction of the 4400 is known as Ace Ventura. Ventura also worked as a Pet Detective on Earth but later opted for UFO Lab Research when he was hired by an Area 51 agent that used to be a trapped tarantula. After failing to penetrate the lower-level caves with his Batmobile, he took his pick from a showroom of flying saucers and went around abducting people. He soon found the Time Machine mechinism on the ship he stole borrowed and had a brainstorm of an idea: to abduct various people from all over the place, from different points in time so he could save their future pets. A very noble and wise purpose but one that was destined to merely end up having the name of a city renamed to something even more bland and goofy. The tumbleweed from space has since been recovered and used as a scientific process for grooming forest animals and an occasional Sasquatch.

Elite Members of The 4400 & some other people[edit]

In order to understand the complex members of the 4400, you must familiarize yourself with the few who have been in the spotlight. The spotlight is not necessarily a stage light, but a light that would perhaps remind you of a beacon that had honed in on the 4400, simply to make their lives more or less a fishbowl. Even their own goldfish have had to put up with the spotlight glaring at them all day. The 4400 would eventually outwit those peeping toms with their own remarkable outpouring of bodily fluids - namely Promicin.

Jordan Collier

Please don't shoot!

He is a leader and fashion guru. He has an incredible persona that oozes mystery. He is an extraordinary tennis player; he never uses a racket but rather a golf club and never misses or strikes out. He is pursued by an evil bunny.

The circumstances of his disappearance was highly unusual as he wasn't even anywhere near the woods when he was taken. He was actually in a meeting with one of Russia's spies. He was planning a hostile takeover of the Atari and Tupperware industries only because someone failed to inform him and the way-behind-the-times Russians that they were already dead in the water as no one invested in them anymore, and the market was mostly run by the Japanese and Pyrex®.

The meeting failed, of course, due to his just disappearing without any explanation. The Russians weren't too pleased but managed to do enough damage control by buying out stocks in the music industry that churned out vast copies of German Beer Drinking Polkas. Jordan Collier meanwhile remained in space somewhere mindlessly working at the Alien Laundromat until he was returned with the other 4399 people who were also abducted. Upon being returned to Earth, he soon took over as Leader of the 4400, became the enigma that he is today and was dubbed as a kinder, gentler version of Snidely Whiplash.

Tom Baldwin

Waiter? Check please!

Working as a Homeland Security agent for NTAC (Not The Actual Cops), he keeps the 4400 in check. He is prone to becoming infected with all sorts of paranormal activity. From being bumped all over the place in strange out-of-time marriages and having to kill himself in order to live, to being possessed by a Skull-&-Bones-type society who mark their victims with a strange behind-the-ear hickey. This guy is basically a whipping boy who doesn't have enough sense to just kill everyone and be done with it.

Tom Baldwin is also known to be the guy who gets involved in all these sexual affairs. Always with the wrong woman in some sense or another. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong planet. He has issues but bravely holds onto hope for the future while everything is quite frankly falling apart around him. People could almost swear that he's a Freak.

Diana Skouris

Aliens stole the furniture.

Another agent for Homeland Security a/k/a NTAC, Skouris works hard day and night. Sometimes she stands in as Alien Hunter and usually has to pick up the pieces after her partner Tom Baldwin blasts them all over the walls. Diana Skouris is almost like a puppet master only without moles or inside people. Or informants. She stays carefully placed behind Baldwin in case things get extra ugly. Some people say she's short, others claim she is over six feet tall, while others have only seen her shadow.

Diana Skouris is said to be a Chess champion, but also has a keen knowledge of Twister, Checkers, Mario and Ping Pong. Sometimes she combines all these fun games into one complicated theory and presents the concept in the Theory Room just to see the look on their faces.

Richard Tyler

This is funny shit!

Another abductee. Like most of everyone else, except for the few asking to be sucked up into a mothership, Richard Tyler was just minding his own business and walking along not doin' no harm to no one when he got sucked up. He has a daughter who was born as a by-product of the abduction and tries to be a good daddy to her. He could do nothing about her rapid growth into a young female woman until he finds a way to reverse the process and turns her back into a little girl. Then changes his mind after realizing he'd have to radically change her current wardrobe.

This little family reunion and nostalgic memory, that in and of itself was only a few months long, lasts for a little while and then, as rotten luck would have it, they caught his ass and put him in with the rest of the population who'd done weird crap with their supernatural abilities. Life kinda sucked for Richard all round. The man just can't get a break. Mutha fuckin' abductors and all.

Shawn Farrell

I was accidentally abducted. Heh Heh.

What can one say about a guy who risked his life to save another life and ended up being a world renowned healer? One could say quite a lot, but that won't help much. The fact remains that he was accidentally abducted and given an ability that he didn't know he had until he tested it out on a zonked out hippy calling himself Santa Claus.

This would lead to more test subjects. Along the line Farrell met the Tooth Fairy, Mark Twain, Lord Byron, Frodo Baggins, Prince Charles, Joseph Stalin, Jimmy Hoffa, Joe, Mark, Bibi, Bobo, some other guy, and Jesus Christ. Out of all these, Shawn Farrell could only heal Stalin, Prince Charles and the Tooth Fairy. The rest were either lost in the Bermuda Triangle or didn't respond to his healing powers. Moreover he would soon discover that his gift could be reversed to drain the lifeforce out of people and quickly asked Stalin, Prince Charles and the Tooth Fairy back in for a check up visit. They were never seen or heard from since.

Kyle Baldwin

This is a mugshot recent photo of me.

Intended abductee. Poor Kyle. Poor, poor Kyle. He was going to be grabbed abducted but Shawn Farrell got in the way. He was still manhandled manipulated into doing things he wasn't daydreaming capable of doing. He had some fantasies vivid dreams where he woke up in a cold sweat but couldn't remember what crazy ass shit strange things he wanted to do had done.

Kyle got his head on straight, though. He wound up with a slutty poltergeist an imaginary friend who was more than experienced very good at pointing him in the right direction. He landed himself a job as sidekick to Jordan Collier and as a firing squad leader of the Vampire Movement. From now on, he requested to be known as Flyboy Supreme, Mega Hero of Flamboyance, Super Kyle, a nice guy.

Maia Rutledge

Whoa. This is really weird.

One of the youngest 4400 abductees. She was basically picking flowers or something when she was taken. When Maia was put back she had the gift of clairvoyance. She was designated as a precog. Naturally, she would be the key element in taming wild beasts, out-maneuvering military combat teams and leaking CIA secrets to the enemies of the Space Tumbleweed.

Maia was probably the only one of the 4400 who could tell when and where the next nuclear strikes would occur in Nebraska, where the aliens from the crashed UFO where hanging out, when the next solar disaster would happen, how the world might end given all possible scenarios and outcomes and what everyone was going to do at any given time that day. Maia could also predict the future in three different ways; one being the absolute unescapable future, the second being the might-happen-if-you-don't-turn-from-your-path future and the third being kind of like a Dead Zone limbo where the future will happen but you might not get there with everyone else because you're going to be abducted, you idiot.

Isabelle Tyler

Go ahead, make my year! ARRR!

Technically the 4401th abductee. She is a plant. Literally; as she was implanted in one of the host bodies that was abducted. Thusly, she was the only one of the 4400 who were not abducted but returned in the Space Tumbleweed, if you can believe that! She wasn't even born when she landed on Earth but when she was finally spawned, she grew up so fast that it baffled scientists. What's even weirder is that once she was of a young adult age, she seemed to stop aging altogether. Of course, we'll never know exactly because she bites the dust.

She controls a great deal of 4400 abilities, some of which are quite useful. In the very beginning she tosses Jordan Collier around a bit, tries to do damage to him, and to the people who get in her way, and everybody else and even herself, then winds up as a pawn in some sick, twisted game. While this sounds glamourous and all, she was only pissed off at just a few people at a time and then not nearly enough to really explain why she's supposed to be the Anti-Christ. Alas, she ends up saving Jordan Collier from a fate worse than death; he was going to be subjected to handing out sandwiches in the graveyard.

Popcorn Stand

Pop! Aahh! Pop! Arghh!

One of the most underrated abductees in all of the 4400. Popcorn Stand was only minding its own business when it was caught up in the Space Tumbleweed and thrown around like popcorn kernels in a pot, traveling through space. It hadn't seen that much excitement since being mysteriously thrust through a Time Door into Middle Earth and roped by a Balrog into an abyssal chasm. In such, after falling for what seemed like forever, amazingly it still popped popcorn and was rescued by the Dwarves.

Though it is not certain if it was given any special abilities, the popcorn stand did seem to possess some kind of a multiple-location talent to be in so many places at once. It would be seen in Times Square at the same exact time it was seen in L.A. Then seen in movie theaters all across the USA and even in China, Brazil and in Iceland where it stood for several hours doing nothing spectacular...except for being in a place at the same time it was in other places around the world and so forth. It also makes some of the best popcorn around, although it could ease up on the salt a bit.

The Effects of Promicin[edit]

Oy! You wanna know about what effects Promicin can have on you? It starts with the overwhelming urge to drop-kick watermellons all the time and not having anything around but tomatoes. That's the overall frustration with having the Promicin coarse through your veins and not being able to fully exercise the full potential of this stuff. It's like everyone is a tomato, but they act like watermellons, but because they are tomatoes, the enthusiasm just isn't there but you know it can be if only they were watermellons.

  • It's kind of like chewing on a rubber tire. Sure it's tasty and all, but you're getting nowhere.
  • It's like dyeing a white cat. Sure the neighbors won't know you stole their cat but you're going to lose a quart of blood in the process.
  • It's like having a cake and eating a slice of lemon. Sure you won't starve to death but no one's going to believe it's your birthday.
  • It's like the theory of Yes and No.
  • It's not bad, not good, but not bad.
  • It's not good, not bad, but not good.
  • It's like this article is as complete as it's ever gonna be. Some smart ass thinks it needs extra templates (example; the cleanup template). But it doesn't.

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Do not probe this article for Martians.