The 69 Conspiracy

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It all began when the Rus invaded Bulgaria in 969...

In the year 969AD The Rus, angered greatly by the new pro-Byzantine Tsar Boris II, invaded the Kingdom of Bulgaria in an attempt to kill the Tsar and set up a new pro-Russian puppet government. The Invasion was a roaring success and Boris was replaced by a clever look-alike whose allegiance was to Russia. Over the next 10,000 years Russia will be thankful to Bulgaria for the alphabet and language.

The Secret[edit]

All went well for the Russian occupation of Bulgaria. Most of the Russians still believed that they have an ancient history , but all they found in their country was hidden Bulgarian tombs, treasures.

Until 2009 that is.

Every day of their boring life, The Russians will be digging and digging and finding old Bulgarian tombs and treasures, which will make the Russians prouder and prouder of their ancient history

Asen Göçek, upon hearing this juicy tid-bit of information, giggled then leaped out of his hiding place, screamed "I KNOW THE SECRET!" flipped the officers off and ran away as fast as a gay little Turk can run.

The Secret is Revealed (Kinda)[edit]

Asen Göçek and Steven Spielberg's ET worked together to spread THE SECRET through subliminal messaging.

After the war Asen Göçek escaped to the United States, got extensive plastic surgery to alter his appearance and dedicated his life to trying to make America aware of *THE SECRET* without endangering his well being.

And so Asen Göçek (after changing his name to Michael Jackson) attempted to spread *THE SECRET* through a number of methods including but not limited to: passing out pamphlets on street corners in New York City, interpretive dance (The girl in "Thriller" is thought to represent then dictator Todor Zhivkov), authoring articles in Time magazine, starting his own blog and naming his son Blanket.

In 1990 US Senator and Bulgarian secret agent Bob Dole saw Göçek's music video for the song "Leave Me Alone" and immediately informed the Bulgarian secret service that people in America might be aware of Bulgaria's great and terrible *SECRET*. Bulgaria immediately launched an investigation and became aware that many people in the United States were indeed aware of *THE SECRET* though only a select few of them had any idea what "She Told Me Her Name Was Billie Jean/As She Caused A Scene/Then Every Head Turned With Eyes That Dreamed Of Being The One/Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round" really meant.

Action is Taken to Preserve *THE SECRET*[edit]

Bulgaria immediately launched false molestation charges against Asen "Michael Jackson" Göçek to taint his credibility with the pro-western masses of North America and Western Europe. But it was already too late. Former Bulgarian soldiers Alice Cooper and Frank Zappa were found out to be in full knowledge of *THE SECRET* as early as the 1950's as well as a number of American citizens.

Note Alice Cooper's large Bulgarian nose

Thus began the operation officially documented by the Bulgarian Secret Service as "Operachiya 69". Operation 69 (as it was known in the rest of the non-Bulgarian-speaking world) consisted of a number of Jewish agents being scattered throughout time to track down and eliminate the bearers of *THE SECRET* and anyone else who got in their way.

About the Agents[edit]

So now you must be asking yourself "my GOD/Buddha/Vishnu/Allah/Moses/Satan/etc! What can I do to stop Bulgaria from destroying *THE SECRET*?!" And now you're probably wondering why you should even bother protecting *THE SECRET*. Well my friend I can tell you that *THE SECRET* will not be revealed by its guardians until 9-6-09 when the Russians and Bulgarians will rise up and attempt to destroy the West.

First off, it's been made known that all of the Bulgarian agents operate under the alias of "Herb Cohen" and have a great love of the number 69. Most operatives are found in the states of New Jersey, Florida and California which are known as the "hotspots". Each "hotspot" has its own intimate connection to the number 69. California for instance has the San Fransisco 69ers. How much more blatantly obvious can you make it that Bulgarians are up to no good in California?

The connections in New Jersey and Florida are much more subtle. From the 1900 US census (the census before *THE SECRET* was revealed to Michael Jackson) the population of the state was 1,883,669. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

In the town of Cherry Hill New Jersey, which has the highest HCPC (Herb Cohens per Capita) in New Jersey the population given at the last census was 69,965. Not only does this figure have what we conspiracy buffs refer to as "the number of the Cohen" but it also contains "the reverse 69" which has relevance to the year Bob Dole became the first Bulgarian secret agent to become a presidential nominee.

In Florida on the other hand the number of the Cohen can be seen as far back as the first settlers in the New World. In 1561 the first settlement on the North American continent was founded in Florida but was later abandoned... Only to be resettled in 1690! 69 degrees Fahrenheit also appears as a monthly average low for three major cities in Florida. Is this a coincidence? I THINK NOT! The Bulgarians are known to operate very efficiently in colder weather. Now to cap it all off Gerald Ford received 1,469,531 votes in Florida when he ran for president in 1976. Can you guess who his running mate was? BOB DOLE!

At least one Herb Cohen has made himself slightly famous as a record company executive. How do we know that this Herb Cohen was a Bulgarian spy? Simply because in 1969 he produced an Alice Cooper record and "contributed cash register noises" to a Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention record! A Herb Cohen in 1969 working with two bearers of *THE SECRET* a coincidence? I hope you think not!

Bulgarian Secret Agent Robert Dole

Bob Dole too has come under suspect as being not only a time traveling Bulgarian secret agent but the very HEAD of Operation 69! How do we know this? In 1990 Bob Dole paid a visit to Bulgaria. This was the first year of the 1990's and one year after Bulgaria's puppet regime became a "republic" in 1989. This was also 6 years before he would run for president of the United States against Bill Clinton. Notice anything fishy? That's right! THE NUMBER OF THE COHEN! Bob Dole is also known to have gone bicycling on multiple occasions with a factory worker named Herb Cohen and won 159 electoral votes in the 1996 election. ONE DIGIT AWAY FROM THE NUMBER OF THE COHEN!

If this doesn't make it obvious to you that there is something fishy going on in our country then I don't know what will.

How Can I Identify an Agent?[edit]

Well first and foremost if a man (or a woman but it's uncertain whether or not the Bulgarian Secret Service hires women) is named Herb Cohen there's a 69% chance that he is a retarded agent.

As you can see most Bulgarians have large noses

Bulgarians also speak some weird Slavic language that sounds a bit like Russian but isn't quite Russian enough. Bulgarians gave Russians some shitty alphabet and language, but who cares. They smell like poop and have big noses. Bulgarians are willing to eat cabbage stew for every meal and will wonder why women in the United States don't wear headscarves.

Some Bulgarians though may be very clever at concealing their accents and love of Bulgarian culture and cuisine. Also note that most of the agents are Jews that were grateful to the Bulgarian government for protecting all 50,000 of them from extermination during World War 2. Even the most clever of agents though will not tolerate any vulgar references to the number "69" in their presence and will be forced to sing along if you start singing the Bulgarian National Anthem. They may also shed a tear at the mention of the death of Todor Zhivkov.

Agents will also take two days to a week off from work to preform what they call "jury duty". But think about it for a second. What "jury made up of peers" in the US would have Bulgarian secret agents amongst its ranks?

If by chance you manage to root out an agent The US government kindly requests that you acquire his name, address, phone number, email and social security number so that we may deport them back to Bulgaria.

Remember kid, do your part to protect *THE SECRET* and we won't have to live like Russians.

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