The Altair v1.2

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Not the ALTAIR we're advertising.
The ALTAIR we're advertising.
Kaxen, she likes Altair...a lot the fuckin chinese whore, cant get a boyfriend.

Congratulations! You have just purchased the ultimate in fan merchandise ever created! The Altair v1.2! The following is an informative and easy-to-use guide to get the most out of your new unit!


Your ALTAIR should have arrived in mint condition. If not, I may have to fire my secretary, because she has a thing about Altair. Anyway, removing this Assassin from the packaging may be hard, as it has been sealed to prevent this wily Assassin from escaping in-transit. One way to remove the ALTAIR unit is to find a ROBERT DE SABLE unit. The badass Frenchman will soon incite the Assassin into a rage that will send him tearing from the box. Mind you, we take no responsibility for the wounds/property damage caused by the resulting, EPIC sword duel. Another method is to bring along an AL MUALIM unit. Either Altair will tear out looking for his next mission, or he will slump out fast asleep from the soporific effect of Al's speeches. UPDATE: The new v1.2 ALTAIR contains a new method of extraction. If the NINJA TEMPLAR unit from our Altair's Chronicles line is brought, your ALTAIR will tear from the box and either shank the dude or run screaming from a potential relationship. Be ready with a tub of ice cream for the grieving NINJA TEMPLAR.

Once ALTAIR has torn from the box, check that he has these accessories:

1 white Assassin Robe of Awesomeness TM (if your ALTAIR arrived without this on then I WILL fire my secretary, crazy Kaxen>_>Wink 1 longsword 1 short blade 1 set of climbing gloves (don't want him falling!) 15 throwing knives (We take no responsibility for wounds received while trying to account for all 15 of these) 1 Hidden Blade (careful, it bites) ALTAIR may receive weapon upgrades if he receives a favorable standing in an AL MUALIM unit's eyes.

The First Week[edit]

Once you have unpacked your unit, you may see that your ALTAIR is behaving like... well, like an ass. Not to worry, this is simply how ALTAIR always acts in the beginning. In time, he will learn humility and eventually become a nice guy. Interactions with other units of the same brand will speed the process.


Your unit should become adjusted to his new home about now. This is not to be confused with 'Versions' mentioned later. The following is a list of "Modes" your ALTAIR may display:

Arrogant: This is ALTAIR's primary mode. He will always begin like this. Typical behaviors associated with this are: excessive aggression, desire to shank anyone who looks at him funny, sour relationships with MALIK units and sporadic exclamations of his superiority. Try to weather this, ALTAIR will quickly grow out of it. Known to run off with MALIK and KADAR units to find ROBERT DE SABLE units. Desire to shank people in this mode is set to high. NOTE: We take no responsibility for any AL MUALIM gut-shank wounds that your ALTAIR suffers while in this mode.

Morally Confused: This is the mode that ALTAIR spends the most time in. In this mode, ALTAIR will follow the orders of AL MUALIM, while at the same time questioning his beliefs and motivations. Will constantly question AL MUALIM units, sometimes provoking near-fatal responses. While this is a common mode, it is also temporary unless carefully reset. While in this mode, desire to shank random people is set to medium.

The Hero: This is ALTAIR's final mode. ALTAIR has finished his journey of discovery and has now evolved into a much greater man. He will now have much improved relationships with other units (besides AL MUALIM units, but more on that later) and will also be a much better companion for the buyer. This mode can be achieved quicker if ALTAIR beats ROBERT DE SABLE in a duel.

Fangirl's slave (LOCKED): This mode has only been developed in some beta units, and only in very extreme cases (sideways glance at Kaxen). In this mode, ALTAIR is completely subservient and will service a buyer in ANY way, hint hint. Curiously enough, some AL MUALIM units have been able to unlock this.

Bright and Bubbly (LOCKED): Somehow, this has been unlocked in a few rare cases. In this mode, ALTAIR will skip around and save small furry creatures from death. Most units were 'disposed of' minutes after shifting to this mode.

He exis--ARGH!

Hoodless: Impossible. Don't even try it. This mode is only possible in theory. The theory is that ALTAIR will walk around without the need to wear a hood. The simulation of this event caused several fangirls to enter persistent vegetative states, constantly moaning about "Alty-chan". Please, don't try it. ALTAIR units are known to become homicidal if their hoods are threatened.

Santa Assassin: Don't believe me?

Special Notes on Behaviour: Altair has been programmed for Medieval Holy Land technology, and cannot comprehend modern technology.


Your unit will care for himself, mixing up Assassin Bleach for his robe once a week (attempts to steal the recipe for the Bleach have so far been failures). Your unit can go long periods without food or rest, though when ALTAIR starts yawning, set up a carpet with six pillows in the corner. ALTAIR will gladly take a nap, especially if ordered to by an angry MALIK. For food, traditional Middle Eastern dishes are best, but McDonald's has been surprisingly compatible. Theories speculate that this is in relation to ALTAIR's anomalous American accent.

NEVER, under ANY circumstances let ALTAIR have alcohol. A drunk ALTAIR especially when in Arrogant mode, is a creature capable of shanking Satan. Never attempt to bathe your unit. He is unfamiliar with the concept, coming from 1191 AD, and attempts to bathe WITH your unit have resulted in several unfortunate shankings.


As your ALTAIR adjusts to your household, you can train him to perform any number of tasks for you, especially if you have a friendly AL MUALIM on hand to order the unit around. However, there are some restrictions;

1. No illegal misuse. Parkouring to rob a bank is not cool! 2. No 'pimping'. No matter how many people want ALTAIR to 'unsheathe his sword', he is not immune. Besides, he's saving himself for Ada to make Desmond! 3. No sending ALTAIR to shank people. That is an AL MUALIM unit's job.


Your ALTAIR is prepackaged with multiple versions for instant usage in special cases.

Community Hero: Don't want that Parkouring going to waste? Hear of people trapped with no way to them? Send ALTAIR and he'll soon save them. Plus, he'll shank a few Templars on the way. And he'll probably get a Vigilante squad if you send him out, so it's a win/win!

The Bodyguard: Who's scarier than ALTAIR? Nobody, that's who! Get ALTAIR to guard you and nobody will bother you for fear of shanking!

Chef: Oddly enough, ALTAIR is very good at cooking. He looks like a chef anyway. With ALTAIR cooking, every night will be an Arabian night! Also, there's the ever-presentAssassin Cake!

Interaction with other units:

Although ALTAIR v1.2 is the most popular unit in stock, there are others that may interest you. Here is a list of others and how they react to your ALTAIR.

Wouldn't let THIS guy get out of control.

ALTAIR/MALIK: ALTAIR and MALIK have a rocky relationship, including and perhaps especially v0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. However, if their relationship is less than satisfactory, give it time. Soon, MALIK will warm up to ALTAIR, and in time they'll be bestest buddies.

ALTAIR/KADAR: Very limited relationship for a limited unit. KADAR will lick ALTAIR's boots and soon after, die while nobody is looking. Like anyone besides MALIK cares.

ALTAIR/ROBERT DE SABLE: A real doozy this one is. These units are nemesises. If they see each other, they WILL begin to fight. Keep them apart, unless you wish for ALTAIR to make the jump to The Hero mode quicker. However, this will result in ALTAIR going after AL MUALIM after hearing ROBERT DE SABLE's dying words.

ALTAIR/AL MUALIM: Master/teacher if we ever saw it. In Arrogant, ALTAIR and AL MUALIM have a rocky relationship. However, this will soon be cured if AL MUALIM uses a MASAYAF ASSASSIN PLAYSET to restrain the ALTAIR and gutshank him. In Morally Confused, their relationship will be easier, but will become more tense as time goes on, what with ALTAIR constantly questioning AL MUALIM's goals. In The Hero, ALTAIR will seek to kill AL MUALIM, resulting in an epic showdown worthy of song, or at least taping and uploading on YouTube. The owner of the AL MUALIM may be sore afterwards, though. NOTE: We take no responsibility for AL MUALIM units enslaving the population of your home town with the Piece of Eden. Don't worry, though. An ALTAIR should be along shortly to 'fix' the problem.

ALTAIR/MARIA: Another rocky one. ALTAIRs will constantly mistake MARIA units for ROBERT DE SABLEs, and attack. MARIA units are strong fighter, though, so seek shelter. After the fight, ALTAIR will remove the MARIA's helmet, speak with her and then let her go free. This will always send ALTAIR out to find and kill the nearest ROBERT DE SABLE. If a MARIA is encountered without a helmet, the ALTAIR will treat her quite oddly, in one occasion even asking her out to dinner. Save him for Ada, kids!

  • NEW* ALTAIR/NINJA TEMPLAR: NINJA TEMPLAR units will attempt to seduce all ALTAIR units. We have no idea why, the desire is somehow fixed in their programming. Thankfully, ALTAIR units will make short work of them.

ALTAIR/RICHARD: ALTAIR and RICHARD units have very nonviolent relationships. All they do is philosophically muse over the nature of the Crusades. Especially over the body of a ROBERT DE SABLE. A useful combo to have during a History lesson.

ALTAIR/DESMOND: A time-paradox relationship. The ALTAIR and DESMOND have never made contact, even when forced. We even locked an ALTAIR in a room and shoved DESMOND in, only to discover that ALTAIR had picked the lock and run off in the three seconds that our backs were turned. At last, we tried it in laboratory conditions. We had a featureless blue room and shoved both units in at the same time. The units made eye contact and simultaneously exploded. However, Kaxen has found some way to make them work, as she has imprisoned an ALTAIR and an DESMOND within her household, as well as a Pre-Order ALEX MERCER unit from out Prototype line. In interviews, all questions about the relationship have been avoided. We suspect third-party modifications were used, perhaps even by Templars. OH NO! Kaxen is using ALTAIR and DESMOND to sell secrets to the Templars!

ALTAIR/KAXEN: After Altair kicks Al-Mualims ass, the last boss is a pixel cock smoking asian called Kaxen, to defeat her you must dodge her quickly as she leaps at you like a hunter from Left 4 Dead, as she is in mid-flight counter her attack and watch a beautifull cut-scene as Altair rams his fist downs her throat with loads of blood and after that Ezio (the gay italian) comes striding in with a gun and a flying machine ready to kick Altair's ass and Alex Mercer, Solid Snake, Master Chief, Kratos and every god damn video game protagonist that can kill everyone without blinking once. Apart from Chuck Norris as he can kill Anyone in a blink of an eye and wank and spunk faster than the speed of light and pick his nose so fast the universe would explode from pure awesomness.


My ALTAIR won't obey me!

What do you expect, he's awesome like that! You have to ask him nicely. Mind you, he may still be Arrogant, or in the early stages of Morally confused. If so, simply wait until his The Hero switch.

ALTAIR and MARIA are having a hawt love affair!

Oh well. DESMOND will be made in either way. If they're having a relationship, try to keep it smooth. Attempts to disrupt the couple will likely involve shankings.

ALTAIR and ROBERT DE SABLE are having a hawt love affair!

... WHAT!? Ship them back to us immediately!

ALTAIR has accepted the advances of NINJA TEMPLAR!

o_O... Give us your address and we will send a 'janitor' to 'clean up'.

ALTAIR and MALIK are...


...I was going to say, they're best mates even though ALTAIR is still Arrogant.

...Oh. Then the MALIK has probably found it's SUPER MALIK mode, patented by Kaxen. Basically, this MALIK is even more awesome, and will for some reason get along with ALTAIR units in Arrogant mode. Beats us why, just enjoy it.

Watch this space, as more ASSASSIN'S CREED units are released!