The Apprentice

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The Host[edit]

The Apprentice is a television "reality" series centered around the only man on television whose hair has been censored by the FCC. The only thing that trumps the ugliness of his hair is his disgustingly huge ego. His name is Donald Trump. Beyond his hair, there is only one distinguishing feature that separates him from the rest of the assholes on the Earth. That is what is in his pocket. Condoms.

Oh, and money too, but mostly condoms. Which brings us back to the show.

The Apprentice[edit]

In this show, The Donald brings in women from all walks of life: hookers, prostitutes, whores etc. He also brings in men, but their part of the show is trivial at best. The goal of The Apprentice is for Mr. Trump to bang as many of the female contestants as he can in the show's duration. If someone refuses to engage in a sexual act with him, he points at the contestant and says his now infamous phrase, "Your're TIRED!! Because otherwise you'd want to screw around with me!! Oh, and you're fired. Get the hell out of my sight until you put out, bitch."

When fans complained that there was no reason for the men to be there, Trump brought his daughter Ivanka on the show to "give the men something to do".

More Apprentice[edit]

In a bold marketing move, The Trumpster decided to double his profits by making a brand new Apprentice program. It was named, "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart." For this show, Donald underwent a grueling 2-minute sex-change operation to become his alias, Martha Stewart.

Says his surgeon, Kenny Wilkes, about the extremely short duration of the surgery, "Well, he was pretty fat to begin with, so he already had what we call, 'man boobs,' and his penis was so small that we let him keep it. Easiest operation I've ever done."

This show was nearly identical to its counter-part in every way but the gender-switch. The only difference in the Martha Stewart edition was that when he screwed the women, it was technically lesbian sex. This, predictably, garnered better ratings.

UK Version[edit]

Like Woolworth's, presidents, gun crime and suicide bombers, when the UK gets a craze, the stupid and completely brainless Americans have to copy it in their own superior highbrow version, as can be seen with shows such as Pop Idol and Big Brother. The UK version is hosted by Sir Clive Sinclair where the star prize is 25 years' hard labour assembling washing machine parts in a small factory in South Wales. The loser gets to sell their story to the tabloids for about two million quid, and their own late night show on Sky television.

The show is partly sponsored by The Sun newspaper and Qwik Save supermarkets, and focuses more on extreme violence and hatred towards each other. However, armoured tanks have yet to make an appearance on the show.

Since so many contestants accidentally applied to Big Brother by mistake, the last series was nearly won by a badger instead.


  • Chuck Norris was originally going to host the apprentice, but he roundhouse kicked all the contestents