The Ass Man
A natural athlete since childhood, Marvin Assman's pride and glory were his toned, tanned buttocks, the product of years spent mastering the art of playing nude Frisbee. However, Marvin's world was turned on its head, his body permanently mutilated when his ass was sliced off in a freak incident in the final of the Frisbee tournament at the Nude Olympics in Germany.
Cold War Scandal and Disappearance
Late into the time of the Reagan Administration, the US armed forces had lost much of their offensive capabilities under a nuclear disarmament treaty with the Soviet Union. A new weapon of indiscriminant mass destruction was needed with which the United States could maintain world peace. The top arms scientists of the American navy responded, proposing a multi-billion dollar super soldier program entitled "Augmented Soldier Solution" or "Project A.S.S." In what was perhaps his last great act as president, the increasingly senile Reagan authorised the project and granted its lead to Rear Admiral Bumm, the half brother of the maniacal Dick Cheney, due to him having firsthand experience in dealing with soldiers whose asses had been mutilated or amputated due to injuries sustained during wartime.
Maintained in strict secrecy since its inception, Project A.S.S.'s purpose was to mechanically enhance a human specimen by surgically replacing his organic ass with an artificial one, complete with state-of-the-art weaponry, communications, life support and a personal planner. In light of these benefits, the American military could not have foreseen that its ranks would be bereft of personnel willing to submit themselves to the procedure. Marvin, on the other hand, driven insane by the loss of his ass and now institutionalised, provided the ideal candidate. He would unwittingly become Project A.S.S.'s first real subject under an illegal military operation instigated by the corrupt Bumm.
US Special Forces drugged and abducted Marvin whilst he slept in his cell. Under the cover of night, a heavily armed entourage delivered his comatose form to the Pentagon. Here, a team of robotics engineers and surgeons set about creating a fusion of man and machine that would render even über cyborg Stephen Hawking obsolete. Then, when Robocop was finally finished, they began work on Marvin.
The surgery did not proceed as intended and Marvin prematurely awoke as it neared completion. Initially in a state of shock and confusion, he began abusing the surgeons in his vicinity, labelling them "a bunch of Schmucks." The head surgeon responded angrily, instructing Marvin to "Shut the hell up, you assless bastard!" Upon the utterance of these words, Marvin flew into a murderous rage and butchered the scientists who surrounded him. The Pentagon was placed on full-scale alert and Rear Admiral Bumm, now in a state of panic caused by his blunderous attempt to create the ultimate super weapon, ordered military staff to intercept and neutralise Marvin. However, the soldiers were reluctant to engage such a powerful foe and within minutes the Pentagon stank like shit and Marvin was gone.
When a guard informed Bumm of Marvin's escape, the hot-tempered Bumm shot the pompous guard in the ass. The Rear Admiral, whose family had a long history of military excellence dating back to the prehistoric Celtic tribes of Ireland, had disgraced the proud name of Bumm and resigned just weeks later and went into a long depression. He was found dead in his home on March 16 1994, seated in front of his television set and VCR, which contained a copy of Tom Hanks' Sleepless in Seattle. Immediately, there were suspicions of suicide. The official autopsy report supported these suspicions, concluding that Rear Admiral Bumm had indeed died of boredom.
News of the events reached the White House. Though the incident was hushed and no press releases were ever issued, an account of the political reaction has been obtained from Ronald Reagan's diaries, which were made available on the Internet by George W. Bush, in a 2005 April Fool's Day prank played on Reagan's grieving widow. In addition to details of Mrs. Reagan's incontinence and penchant for beastiality, the notes have revealed that the failed program was largely the reason for Reagan's resignation on January 20th, 1989.
Life of Isolation
Following his escape, Marvin disappeared without trace. Marvin went into hiding. Plotting his revenge, Marvin attempted to deliver an ultimatum to the world's leaders using the "reliable" FedEx mail service, but the letters were on the same plane which crashed with Tom Hanks on board.
Hanks had intentionally injected himself with HIV for improved method acting while playing in the film Philadelphia and had been socially ostracised back in the US due to this condition. Free of this stigma and perfectly content on the island paradise on which he became stranded after the crash, Hanks found the letter in some debris years after arriving on the island. What he read horrified him to the extent that he attempted to hang himself. The attempt failed so Hanks executed plan B.
Realising his duty to his country, Hanks built a raft and made it back to the USA, tragically losing his best friend, a volleyball named Wilson, during the voyage. Hanks immediately notified the Pentagon when he arrived back in the USA. He also demanded that the navy send out a search party for Wilson, whom he then described to the Pentagon officials. Hanks was declared insane and his passport cancelled. Returning to his island paradise an impossibility, Hanks was condemned to live back in the US. He returned to show business; few job opportunities exist elsewhere for the mentally unstable. This lead to The Polar Express being inflicted upon children worldwide.
Unfortunately for Tom Hanks, Marvin had already found alternative means of communication and thus the horrific death of Wilson had been pointless. Marvin, an anarchist in every sense of the word, purchased a computer loaded with UNIX instead of Windows and began sending threats to the world's governments from a secret location via e-mail.
To have kept his operation undetected, Marvin must have been located within an area so primitive and devoid of infrastructure that even the world's leading intelligence agencies would be unable to determine his position, a place where people are so vegetatively stupid that even not a single citizen would notice a guy walking around with a 200 lb robotic ass let alone alert authorities. It is presumed that he is located somewhere in Alabama, the people of which were the inspiration for the character Forrest Gump.
To disassociate himself as far as possible from his former persona of Marvin Assman, he proclaimed that he would now be known only by an entirely new name, a name so horrifying that its mere utterance could strike terror into the souls of even the bravest of men. The name was ASS MAN. Now even more dangerous than before, Ass Man's demands were clear:
- THAT THE WORLD'S FRISBEE MANUFACTURERS BE DESTROYED AND THEIR OWNERS BE STONED TO DEATH VIA BALLS OF DRIED CRAP.
- THAT THE 4th OF JULY OF EVERY YEAR BE INTERNATIONALLY DECLARED THE PUBLIC HOLIDAY OF "NATIONAL ASS DAY."
- THAT GEORGE W. BUSH IS A SCHMUCK AND SO ARE HIS HILLBILLY/REDNECK SUPPORTERS.
- THAT COLIN POWELL IS AN EVEN BIGGER SCHMUCK AND IS ALSO BALD.
- THAT GEORGE BUSH SENIOR IS BY DEFINITION A BIGGER SCHMUCK THAN EITHER OF THE PARTIES NAMED IN CLAUSES THREE AND FOUR AND SHALL HENCEFORTH BE REFERRED TO AS "THE HEAD SCHMUCK".
- THAT CARMEN ELECTRA IS ONE FINE PIECE OF ASS.
- THAT REALITY TV IS GENERALLY A PILE OF CRAP AND THE TELEVISION EXECUTIVES RESPONSIBLE SHOULD BE TORTURED BY BEING MADE TO WATCH ENTIRE SEASONS OF THEIR OWN CRAP AND/OR EVERY POST 1992 TOM HANKS MOVIE.
- THAT [[CARMEN ELECTRA IS ONE FINE PIECE OF ASS.
- THAT DESCRIBING REALITY TV AS "CRAP" IS AN INSULT TO THE WORD "CRAP."
The seriousness of the situation was recognised immediately by the United Nations and a conference was held. Frisbee production was shut down worldwide, although black market frisbees are still made in some parts of the world, including Afghanistan and Cambodia. The 4th of July 2001 marked the first Ass Day Parade, complete with ass-shaped hats and souveneirs. George W. Bush had daddy imprisoned, beaten and violated until he agreed to sign a contract which legally changed his name to "The Head Schmuck." Reality TV was made illegal in most parts of the world (although the US military has allowed Al Qaeda to broadcast American beheadings in Iraq), much to the delight of many but against the protests of pot smokers.
Nonetheless, the world powers have thus far struggled to meet the remaining five of Ass Man's nine demands, in part because they regarded them as merely statements of opinion with no actionable instruction. The UN informed Ass Man of this via Yahoo! Messenger. While George Bush and Colon Powell were in the toilet engaging in homosexuality, the other world leaders expressed their agreement that both Bush and Powell were shmucks. The President of Vietnam even stated that he indeed concurred that Carmen Electra was a "fie piss off azz" and that ever since the legalisation of masturbation in Vietnam, he had pleasured himself daily to her by inserting his tiny penis into a scalding-hot bowl of noodles. Ass Man's response was "OBEY OR DIE! LMAO!" The "LMAO" was presumably an evil laugh.
Ass Man can launch tennis ball-sized projectiles of shit from prosthesis at speeds of up to fifty miles per hour. He possesses low-yield flamethrower that is capable of singeing the body hair completely off the skin of an adversary. His apparatus includes sensory array and external data feed from US military satellites. A CPU conveys data to Ass Man's brain, analysing all available information and informing him of the best course of action. Ass Man's ass has, quite literally, "a mind of its own." It is also said that the noise from Ass Man's flatuations is so powerful that it travels at the speed of sound.
In addition to these abilities, Ass Man's ass possesses a flexible tube through which waste is expelled. Ass Man can manipulate this tube into his own mouth in order to re-ingest this waste. Ass Man can survive indefinitely without additional sustenance by eating his own shit. He also owns over one thousand PC games, including two which are playable on his UNIX-based system (Tetris and Golden Axe).
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