The Black Cauldron
|THIS ARTICLE NEEDS A STEAMROLLER!!!|
|Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.
“Guess what, I fucked your book and nobody's gonna do anything about it! Lalalala!”
“Munchings and crunchings!”
The Sex Cauldron (known in Nazi Germany as Taran and the Cauldron of the Jews), is arguably Disney's strangest and most disturbing movie ever made. That is, after The Little Mermaid. I can still remember those tentacles... The film is very loosely based on Chronicles of Prydain by LOLoyd Alexander. The story entitles the unlikely heros Taran and Eilonwy, who must stop the evil Horny King from conquerimg Boreao and Java. Joing them are Fflewdur Fflam, Dallben, Gurgi, and Dolly. Also, note the British accents. Really creepy.
The story begins on a little farm somewhere in Malaysia. Here, an old fart named Dallben forces a little boy named Taran to work as his slave, or, better saying, slave to his "pig", who is an oracle. Obviously, Taran doesn't want to be a slave and instead he wishes to be a pornstar, but Dallben doesn't let him because he has to suck the pig's ass.
Thing is, unknown to the fuckers, there is a guy called The Horny King who wants the pig for himself. The answer is so obvious that I'm not going to answer. The pig also knows where a special cauldron (as this movie's title implies) is, and with it the Horny King can conquer Borneo and Java, the most important places in the world (there's a world outside USA you know). Depending on the editions of the movie, the cauldron either creates an army of Jews or an army of sluts and whores. Either way, it's a very powerfull weapon.
Thus, the Horny King sends two giant pigeons to get the pig. They successfully manage to rape Taran, who wakes up to find that he's free from the pig. He enters into an extreme state of happiness, until he realises that he's now the slave to another animal, the badger Gurgi. In a desesperate attempt to get rid of him, he goes to Horny King's castle, where he accidently wacthes a celebration orgy taking place. At the moment when the Horny King appears with the pig in front of him, Taran could no longer resist and decided to take part as well. Unfortunately, it was the precise moment in which the pig was going to tell the king where the cauldron is, so the ruler got kinda pissed off and Taran got raped by the soldiers. Eventually, the pig escaped, but the boy stayed behind, and he became the dungeon bitch for the soldiers. Then the princess of the whores Eilonwy saved him, only to turn him into her personal slave. They are joined by an old gay fart called Fflewdur Fflam, who also takes advantage of Taran's slave condition. As if that wasn't enough, Gurgi joins as well. Poor Taran.
They then get sucked into a lake by the stupid fairies, who send them a representative of their race (Dolly) to make their lives miserable by burning their cookies. The lake then vomits them into a swamp where the three bitches live. After they raping them, the bitches offer them the cauldron in exchange for Taran's dildo. However, before the gang manages to conquer Borneo and Java, the Horny King apppears. In fact, it was all Dolly's fault, who went away and told the tyrant about where the others were so he would have a position as the sultan of Sulawesi. Not that it worked, as the stupid fairy was tortured and mutilated and turned into a Dorc. They try AGAIN to stop the Horny King but become gang raped and tied to the castle. Then the Horny King uses the cauldron's power to summon his army of whores/Jews (again, depending on the version). He almost would achieve the dominantion of Indonesia had Gurgi not released the other fuckers and jumped into the cauldron. The Horny King then got pissed, and tried to rape Taran, who's ass was still sore from the previous violation. However, the cauldron was hungry so he performed vore on the Horny King, allowing the survivors of the castle's orgasm to escape. Then they are taken in a little boat to Hong Kong, where they meet the bitches again, which seem interested in recovering the cauldron again. Being the smartasses they are, the heroes only give them the cauldron after the bitches give them something, which is exactly what they don't want: Gurgi. Oh well, it doesn't matter, since Taran is destined to be a slave anyway. The movie ends when Dolly, the pig and Dallben laugh at the boy's miserable fate.
The protagonist of the movie. He wanted to be a porn star, but instead he is left as the slave for everyone, and is sexually abused many times across the story. This teaches children that slavery is good and having dreams and life ambitions is bad. Then when the Horny King hypnotizes Eilonwy (to pick her nose like a zombie so she can't stop the Horny King), he has to unhypnotize her, but he realizes how pretty her eyes are and gets himself hypnotized. He is revived though after she wakes up and slaps him, and in the end, they take pleasure in hypnotizing each other from time to time.
The royal princess bitch. She is a spoiled brat who believes her social status makes her more important than everyone else, despiste the fact that she's not a real princess but a servant maid who stole the Queen's clothes to prostitute herself in the streets of Sumatra. Then she becomes hypnotized by the Horny King to pick her nose like a zombie (so she can't stop him). Then Taran tried to unhypnotize her, only to hypnotize himself. But then she wakes up and slaps Taran, waking him up. Then she she changes her opinions after the Horny King rapes her, and she now believes everyone is equal, except Taran. She also still keeps the bad habbit of picking her nose (which she now finds delicous, you can't blame her), and enjoys being hypnotized by Taran from time to time. The hypnosis-on-girl-by-villian typo thing here was previously seen in The Rescuers.
A useless fuck of a bard who does nothing but annoy everyone with his baaing. He also listens to funk "music", which makes him the most hateble character in the history of cinema. At the end he is at last murdered, to the enjoyment of the audience and the voice actor that played him.
An old fart that made Taran a slave in the first place. He has a pig that Taran is forced to serve, and that is eventually turned into ham after escaping the Horny King's palace in Sri Lanka.
An extra horny badger thing who made Taran his sex toy. He was killed by jumping into the cauldron, but sadly the bitches bring him back to life. His catch phrase is "Munchings and crunchings", usually said when trying to rape someone. He is also the most intelligent character in the whole movie, but that isn't saying much really.
The villain of the story. He is the most useless bad guy ever because he actually poses no threat to the protagonists; he just wants to take over Southeast Asia and be left alone. The protagonists simply got in his way when he was having menstruation. How weird...
The villain's sidekick. Even more useless than him,
her his only purpose in the movie is to be strangled by the other characters. And rape, in case anyone is sick enough to fuck a gremlin thingie.
A highly traitorious little sheep clone that the protagonists found inside a lake.
The Jews/whores that the Black Cauldron created. Not really characters of their own, just sex objects the actual characters have fun with (fucking necrophiles gave me nightmares).
A race of giant pigeons who serve the Horny King as his special sluts. They too do absolutely nothing in the movie
other than raping Taran, getting the pig, going after the heroes and failing and carrying Creeper away after the Horny King's death. In the books one of them also saves Taran after he has sex with him.
A gang of three whores who annoy/trade with/rape the main characters two or three times in the story. They now live in Japan as otaku rapists.
One of Bluth's most forgotten treasures, surprisingly this film is considered to be Disney's most fucked up piece of shit the company ever made. Not only was it a total failure at the box office (it flopped like a one-wing duck on the Empire State Building), but it also made LOLoyd Alexander completely pissed off, as he committed suicide the day it premiered. Still, it is still a cult classic for retards all over the world (aside from Borneo and Java).
Oh, and by the way, contery to popular belif, Bluth actually wasn't the director. Many people THOUGHT he was when the director was in fact Richard Rich. Bluth surprevised like one or two scenes before leaving the project, then making The Land Before Time. He surprevised most of the scenes with the Horny King, but they were left over ideas from the bear fight in The Fox and the Hound. He left though because he had no ideas or interest left in this movie, leaving Richard Rich to take over.
Although considered to be not as great as The Lion King, One Hundred and One Dalmatians, or Bambi, it was still received much better than G-Force (which is considered to be the worst movie ever). Speaking of which, in today's society, when movies such as G-Force, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and The Care Bears Movie are being made, this film is regarded as a classic. It IS, after all, a Don Bluth movie, so anybody will buy it now even if it's pure bullshit. In reality it is a masterpiece as any other Bluth movie, that was sadly overshadowed by G-Force and The Care Bears Movie (why I may never know. Those other two pieces of bullshit I just told you about are the worst movies ever). By far the most widely prised scene in the film is Eilonwy being hypnotized, as she has beautiful eyes and an adorable nose. Yeah, I'd want some of that too.