The Cat in the Hat

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the cat in the hat, enjoying his day
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Cat in the Hat.


“EHHHHHHHHHHHHH IS THIS EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CAT IN ZEH HAT????”

~ Borat on upon seeing a turtle

“It's made entirely out of compressed children and kittens”

~ The Cat on The Hat

Characters[edit]

Inspired By The Wheel of Time, The Cat in the Hat is a notoriously dramatic book, full of tension and fear and a whole lot a sex. Sex is when the penis and vagina bang together very hard to have an orgasm.....Global WARMING IS STUPID AND FAKE!!1 Scientists are paid to lie to us!!! .The characters are elegantly woven into the roller coaster plot, causing the book to flow like a river of similes. First there is the titular cat, a godless, dirty cat, whose major goal in life is to find a way to bring the great Satan from hell to destroy Earth and its surroundings. The character of the cat is juxtaposed by that of 'Sally' and 'That other kid', who perfectly represent the greatness of a little child's heart (or in this case two little children's hearts) - a heart(s) which is(/are) filled with Good and not Evil. Next, there is The Great Fish of Greatness, whom the children often seek for shelter from the menacing Cat. To aid the cat in his nefarious schemes there are the Cat's evil henchmen, Thing 1 and Thing 666. These minions help the Cat on his path to destruction by jumping out of boxes and such. Finally, there is the character that everyone refers to as 'The Great Mother Figure'. The Great Mother Figure is the only thing the Evil Cat fears. For it retired a few years later after sex with Oprah, drugs and Sleepless in Seattle.

The Cat and associates during the hippie commune years.

Setting[edit]

The characters are pretty damn amazing, it can't be denied, but the setting also causes this book to be dramatic and tensionalistic. As everybody knows, the midevil ages were filled with a much amount of evil and middleness and lots of alliterate peepul. This story does not take place in the midi-evil ages, but I still think it does a quite good job of creating drama and tension. The story takes place in a house of sorts. A horrible house with torture devices in the basement, boxes (of bad things) in the attic, and a very dirty sink in the bathroom.

Some Quotes from the Book[edit]

Here is a quote that perfectly describes how insanely evil and twisted the Cat is:

“It is fun to have fun.”

~ the Evil Cat Menace on page 18.

What kind of sick son of a bitch would say something as cruel as that?

Here is a very dramatic, heroic quote from The All-Knowing Fish:

“This is not a good game.”

~ the All-Knowing Fish on page 22.

Ah, so heroic! So brave! So justicical! Here is a quote from one of the one out of two true heroes of the book:

“With my net, I can get them I bet. I bet, with my net, I can get those Things yet!”

~ the Hero Named I on page 50.

Such fearless and non-fearing, that statement is filled with. So much that in 1988 Congress almost passed a national "I (from The Cat in the Hat) Remembrance Day". Unfortunately, they abandoned the idea and decided to take "World AIDS Day" instead - a decision they have regretted since.

Disarming cats in hats is a two step process:
1. Steal the hat, rendering them hatless and power-drained,
2. Brutally slaughter them with a butcher knife, just to be sure.

Controversy[edit]

The cat in the hat doing a bong.

On a late September afternoon a teenage boy went into a random person's house, dressed up as a cat, and shot and killed three people with .44. After this horrible tragedy, the president decided to take action (mainly because he was bored) and attempt to ban The Cat in the Hat from children under 18. This earned him a huge response by teenagers everywhere whose favorite passtime was reading the very violent book. Here is one teen's response:

“TAHTS STUPID!!1!1! OMG LOL Y DO3S AVERON3 HAET TENS11111! WTF I THINK TAHT IF TENS LIEK MA R MATURE ENOUGH 2 HANDL3 BOKS LIEK CAT IN DA HAT TH3N DA PR3SIEDNT SHUD LET US!1!1 OMG WTF LOL”

~ teenager on being asked how stupid the attempted ban is.

Other teens agreed and tried to fight against the ban but eventually they all just grew up and realised that it wasn't worth fighting for a day after the shooting. So did the president. However one person didn't. He got 200,000,000,000,000 hours worth of the new K.9 TV show (nnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooo).

See Also[edit]