The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips
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“And, I thought I was the bare-bottom around here!”
“Up with petticoats, down with pants.”
The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips was founded by Saint Lindsay Lohan of Videoland on Valentine's Day, 1998. The main belief structure is founded on getting as many pictures of exposed flesh while revealing highly censerable divine assets to the public in act of worship. The patron saint herself has taken the doctrine to a valiant high in her crusade against dignified public behavior. The Church has a large following of aspiring teenage pop-stars, hollywood bottom-dwellers, aging divas and air-head socialites.
The Passion of Saint Lohan: A Biography
- Main Article: Lindsay Lohan
Her Lohaniness, the Ultra Mega Super-Duper Fountain of Holiness, Destroyer of Some French chick, Redeemer of the Urumbaya, the Savior of Teenage-fans, the Purveyor of Justice to Perverted Old-Haggards, the Light of the Pop-Industry, 性交機械, Crusher of a Million Hearts, Commander of the Holy Boobies Brigade, Grandmaster of Butt-Bangers, Leader of the Teen Whores, Pussy of the Kitten Huffers, Secretary General of the Gluenited Rations, والاتصال الجنسي الالي, Alter-Ego of Jayne Mansfield, Poor Man's Wonder Woman, Her Readiness in Wild Wild Super-Sex with Gangs of Lowly Lads, La Macchina Sessuale di Richieste, Hubba Hubba Ooh La La, the Sixty Seventh Incarnation of the Light Boiled Egg, Queen of the Boozers and Mother of All Nipples Saint Lindsay Lohan is a flop singer, even more flop actress, and an all round superhit in sexplicit exposure and indecent behavior. In short she is the embodiment of all things holy, and is free of all things evil.
She was born to a modest agrarian family near Jerusalem. From the youngest age she had shown miracles of every sort:
- The Vanishing Panty Trick, while the Denim holds
- The Super Nip Poke, while wearing three layers of winter clothes
- The Amazing Thong Pull, while the hair remains invisible
- The Extreme Boob Spill, while wearing a turtleneck
- And much, much more (for a complete list check random ramblings)
Deep hermetic thoughts started making waves in her bombshell of a body and her empty head as soon as her titties were large enough for a pinch over the sweater. From then on she has always shown the deepest aversion to the perversion called decent clothing.
Call of the Wild
Early in her life, it was revealed to her (through an angel, of course) that, the French invasion of the world of ass and nipple worshipers was to end by her hand. It was also revealed to her that behind the family barn there is a Dildo of Doom buried in cow-dung. It was the dildo of King Arthur, and was to be her inspiration in her crusade against the heathens, pagans and heretics.
She (in her prayers, you moron) found Saint Parton as a source of inspiration, who waged the battle without hearing the voice for a long time before laying her hands on a hearing aid. Saint Parton is known to have declared:
|I indeed sodomize you with dildo; but there shall come one mightier than I, the start-button of whose vibrator I am not worthy to loose: she shall sodomize you with the 16-inch black dildo and with KY Gel; whose tits are in her hand and she will purge her floor; and will gather the cum into her champagne-flute, but the pubes she will shave with a Gillete razor.|
Saint Lohan felt the call in her spirit and raised a crusade against unsuspecting viewers around the world. Every concert on stage and on TV, every public function and private party, and even passing in cars turned into a battlefield for her crusade. Booze and photographic devices are the weapons she wages at every battle ("My cum will be thine wine and my tits will be thine megapixel digicam" - Saint Lohan). She often finds partners-in-arms from a well stocked group of security people and/or paparazzo around the corner. The followers maintain wisdom as their main battle strategy, as the bible says, "Wisdom is better than weapons of war."
Battle of boobs
The biggest battle in the history of those twin orbs of gelatinous fantasy of pervs and wackos was fought in the Hollywood hills, the sacred ground for deflowering of vestal virgins sent to those divine beings known as studio tops. It began when a whole horde of French heretics bore down on the hill, who preached complete toplessness against the fine art of slipping it off, known variously as nip-slip, boob-slip, nip-spill, boob-spill, wardrobe malfunction or consummation with providence. But, their wildly gyrating titties were shown no mercy, as the cavalry of Dropping Neckline met them on incline of the hills.
There was a great battle fought, with much button twisting and neck strangling, which for the French invaders meant twisting and srtangling of their flesh, but for the holy neckliners meant only their clothes. At the end height of the battle lesbian moans were heard from 80 miles away, as there was not one French whore lolling on the ground in deepest of orgasm, and not one defender standing completely bared. The fate of the French were sealed when the flanking brigades of Windswept Ultra-mini and Super-low Waistline joined the fray, flashing their pubes and butt-cracks.
Inside the World of the Church
“Do not cross the dildo, for it will make me cross.”
The principle device of the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips is the Enigmatic DildoCross (expressed in secret documents as "╬"), which some say is a glass dildo, while others maintain as a glass crucifix. According to an intimate of Saint Lohan (no comment on how intimate) it actually is an outer space object retrieved in Jerusalem by Saint Lohan along with the sword of King Arthur. It was found together with an user's manual, a warranty certificate, and a scroll bearing historical notes on the DildoCross. This scroll, better known as the Dead Pee Scroll confirms its outer space origins. Following is an excerpt from the Scroll:
Article 7:11 (Abridged): God created the DildoCross out of one of the ribs of the first man (a.k.a. the President, whose spouse has been created out of another of his ribs and is known as the First Lady). The DildoCross was full of thunder and hailstorm and brought enigma to mankind. Nostradamus predicted that one day it would bring war against terrorism.
Article 9:11 (Abridged): In the planet Tatooine the DildoCross was about to be desecrated by the forces of Sith Lords. But, it was salvaged by Princess Leia, who arranged for it to be sent to a safe haven. Thus, the DildoCross was carried to earth together by Wonder Woman and Superman, both commanders-in-bondage in the Tatooine Resistance Army.
Article 11:11 (Abridged): After coming to earth the Dildocross hybernated for a thousand years, and then a wet pussy emerged out of Loch Ness, to wake up the DildoCross. This celebrated moment of human existence was well covered by CNN, CNBC and BBC by the grace of God.
It must be noted that the the Dead Pee Scroll is not the holiest of books in circulation with the Church. Other holy books, in the their respective order of holiness, are:
There has been always a special meaning of the cross to devout Christians. It is more so for the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips, as the Cross is manifest in a multitude of meaning in the doctrines of this church.
Feasts and Fests
“To fist or not to fist that is the question.”
At the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips, everyday is a feast day, till the physical elements of the devotees start to amalgamate with natural elements. The principal observance rite is that one wears only the shoes (better known as the Periodic Shoecross, and a smile sometimes, preferably lying down while observing. The prayer for daily feasts goes like:
|Our brother who lives down the lane
sporting three bags of wool
you're cool, a mere fool
gimme daily phaddy bread
'cause meat makes me drool...
Spring Break: Every year from end-February to end-April the Holy Week of Spring Break is celebrated by the Ivy-Leaf Seminaries of the Church. These massive congregations organized for the development of young minds are kept saturated with all things holy - booze, brownies, boobs, and booties - particularly evidenced in the Mystique Buttcross, the holiest of holys. The following song from the Songs of Shitman is usually sung at the Buttcorss:
|I'm black, I've cum
Yeah, daughters of Jerusalem
Cuz tents of Kedar, does Darth Vedar
It ain't no bloody mayhem...
Slumber Party: Organized especially for the novices and initiates, these congregations serve both educational and ecclesiastic needs. The tradition began at one of the seminaries upon the psalm of GNG (GNG is a short for girl-on-girl) which goes like:
|Girl on girl, readily unfurl
And, show some curly pubic
Five days later, all the man-haters
Pull up their tees in public...
Parliament Session: This particularly British form of festival has recently been introduced around the world. A lot of sleaze, slunder and Parliamentary Floorcross is involved in this type of congregation. There are times when (as pictured here) flocks of MPs cross the floor and move over to the other side to merge with the evil axis. This particular action is used to subdue the evil on earth and purge it from within.
UN General Assembly Session:
“Piss on earth.”
The principle pilgrimage of the Church of Ass and Nipple Slip clearly establishes it as one of the most devout churches - every week the church sends two young devotees to Vatican. The Papal intimates call this pilgrimage a Hermetic Doublecross. Pope Burt XVI and Pope Hasselhoff IIX is reported to be particularly fond of this pilgrimage tradition. There have been numerous applications from such high Cristian institutes as the Hollywood for the privilege of hosting a pilgrimage, but the Church has so far stuck to Vatican as the sole/soul destination.
Connection with antiquities
It has been claimed by heretics that the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips is not an original Christian doctrine, rather it is a derivative of many pre-Christian, exo-Christian, endo-Christian and pseudo-Christian beliefs. The evidence is generally presented through a retrospective of non-Christian, proto-Christian or quasi-Christian images. A brief representation of the argument follows.
Orders within the church
Spread the Word
When Sain Lohan founded The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips, she found Saint Spears and Saint Anderson in frontline to Spread the Word (alternatively known as Spread the Lips). Both of them has founded their own Orders within the Church, and are busy converting the people to the light.
- Orders within the Church:
Worship of the True
Many joined her crusade to take the cause of Worship of the True forward. Saint Jolie, Saint Berry, Saint Janet, Saint Reid, Saint Hilton, Saint Aguilera and Saint Banks are some of the famous acolytes of the Holy Sisterhood of the Boobs and Butt who fought the battles in numerous arenas.
- Battles for the Light of Truth:
A Recent Miracle
The following is the famous discussion between Oprah and King Kong, on Saint Lohan's celebrated attempt at inspiring children (pictured): Oprah: I think it's great... The King: Hubba hubba... blip... Oprah: Children can appreciate the meaning of a butter-toast better. The King: You're wrong, butts are not up for toasting... blip... Oprah: Nah, you can always toast to nice butts. The King: Oh, yeah! Then how come your butt is never toast? Oprah: If you want to grab 'em, just go for it. The King: Nah, too fat for my test. Oprah: Grab'em, you silly monkey... or else... blip... (Censored)
- Saint Lohan ran to expose bare ass cheeks in front of children at a Nickelodeon celebration, a valiant run now being considered as the most important run in history, superseding the run-of-Marathon