The Civolutionary War

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The Civolutionary War
The Great Battle at Sea predicted by this 15th century woodcut
Conflict: The Civolutionary War
Date: 1879 - Three hours later
Place: United States/England.
Outcome: The USA wins
Combatants
The Northern United States
The flag of The USA
Southern England
The Confederate Union Jack
Commanders
Teddy Roosevelt Zombie-Robert E. Lee
Strength
666 at least 13∞
Casualties
1,045,932 over 13∞

AKA World War 0, That One War, The Three Hour War, and The Revolcivilary War.


“I served in this war. Dammit! we lost some good men out there!”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Civolutionary War


The Civolutionary War was a war in American history that resulted in the British slaves obtaining freedom and the northern United States beating the living crap out of southern England.

Beginning[edit]

The Civolutionary War began on November 17, 1879, When President Abraham Lincoln declared the USA free from the power of the English Government Slave Trading Company (EGSTC) because America was fed up with them taxing their tea, stamps, and even their slaves. To prove the USA's independence, Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson worked together to write the Declaration of Emancipation, which was ratified by congress immediately. To further show their independence, the colonists stormed the Boston harbor and threw all of the British slaves off of the ships and into the ocean, this act was named The Boston Slave Party. Needless to say, the southern region of England (where the EGSTC headquarters was located) was not pleased so they declared war on the northern United States. The result was one of the bloodiest wars the United States had ever seen that had taken place in the span of three hours.

Lincoln was informed by Benedict Arnold, a well respected general who later left and joined the British, that England was planning a massive invasion. Because of the threat of this attack, Lincoln spent all of the USA's money on research for the Manhattan Project so America would have some atomic bomb. This fiscal idiocy might have created the national debt. Once the bombs were complete Lincoln ordered them to be placed in the London sewer system. However the bombs failed to activate on time and finally, 126 years later, the London subway bombings occurred. The English Slave Trading Co. did not like the rumors of these bombs underneath their snooty English houses so they sent in 13 Troops to Gettysburg, lead by Zombie-Robert E. Lee, to massacre the northern state Americans. What followed was a brutal battle in which the northern States triumphed over the Britains. Everyone but about 3,200 people in the USA died that day during the 26 minute battle. By this time in England, many of the slaves began to escape through secret underground railroads (or subways) to the north. The British Confederacy grew angry that their slaves and soldiers were escaping, dieing, and going awol, so they began launching makeshift missiles made of wood and mud at the Western USA. (which is why some states to this very day remain radioactive and uninhabitable, such as Utah and Idaho) The missiles were very accurate Although they only killed the French because the Loisiana purchase hasn't been made yet. This resulted in the French siding with the US but that didn't help at all because the French have lost every war known to man.

The Great Battle at Sea[edit]

THE BRITISH FLEET

After some time, the king of England, King George III, grew very inpatient with how the war was going, so he sent one final naval fleet to the US, and it was the strongest one world has ever seen. It consisted of, but is not limited to:


THE AMERICAN FLEET

The USA knew that they had to fight back against the powerful British fleet so they made one of their own which consisted of:


Timeline

What followed was a very intense battle at sea. The two ships met in the Atlantic ocean and immediately opened fire upon each other with their cannons. It is unknown how the majority of this battle played out because there were only three survivors. The following timeline was recorded by Ben Franklin and it is all we know of the events that transpired:

6:38 - Ships meet
6:41 - Ships open fire
7:05 - Both ships out of cannon balls, a few people used as human cannon balls
7:11 - At least 20 people dead
7:17 - One ship sinks
7:22 - Chuck Norris pushed overboard , at least 35 dead.
7:27 - Gandhi starts peaceful pacifist protest (PPP) against fighting
7:32 - Gandhi killed
7:35 - The two Jesii fighting on either side sneak off to shoot up cocaine
7:45 - This guy starts huffing kittens
7:?? - Someone does something, someone dies
7:?? - Someone else does something different, another person(s) dies
7:54 - Everyone starts huffing kittens
?:?? - Xenu activates a hydrogen bomb, nearly everyone killed 
?:?? - Ben Franklin dies of Hydrogen bomb burn wounds, end of the record of the battle

The End of The War[edit]

President Lincoln's assassination

After an intense three hours of violent warfare, political tension was taking its toll. Both England and the U.S. were pressured by some other nations to bring and end to the fighting. When they refused, these other countries began taking sides in the war. Soon, much of the world was involved in the war earning it the nickname World War 0, even though it was technically not a world war. The Countries that joined the United States were France, Spain, Canada, Norway, Sweden, and Switzerland. This union was referred to as "The Coalition". Poland was also a member, but many people forgot about this. The countries that joined the side of England to form "The Axis of Evil" were Germany, Italy, and Japan. Soon there was fighting all over the world but this only lasted for a few minutes because the UN, seeking a peaceful and diplomatic solution, started bombing the hell out of anything that might have been involved in the war, ending it abruptly.

The next day, President Lincoln read the Gettysburg Phone Number. (Similar to, but not The Gettysburg Address) This Speech was held on the battle field at Gettysburg, still full of many dead and wounded soldiers. The speech's purpose was to honor the lives of the men, women, and children who bravely served in the military for their country during the war. At 56 hours in length, the speech was longer than the actual battle and is today the longest speech on record. Immediately following the speech, Lincoln attended a memorial service at Ford's Theater. Unfortunately, tension between the counties that had participated in the war was still high and Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, one of the sole British Survivors of the war. Booth snuck up into the balcony were Lincoln was sitting and shot him in the head from behind. This murder became known as "The shot heard round the world".

Legacy[edit]

Surviving veterans celebrating at a lively Veterans Day celebration

Even though the United States gained it's independence from British trade and the blacks gained their freedom, The Civolutionary War is often forgotten and misunderstood. A Famous Historian theorizes that the war taking place in only three hours contributes to it often being forgotten. In his book, American Wars: Government cover ups and what it thinks it wants you to think about the government, A.F.H. wrote "Not only is the general public commonly unaware, most high-ranking government officials don't know about the war either. Text books don't cover the war in great detail, or at all. Not even the internet has any websites dedicated to bring information to the people of America. It's almost like nobody cares."

The Civolutionary war is usually credited as the most forgotten war



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