The Dole Wars
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Bob Dole, born July 22nd, 1923, was a US Congressman from Kansas and a presidential candidate in the 1996 US elections. Recently, Bob Dole has been captured by a spazztic collegiate southern boy who has cloned Bob Dole's exact proportions and hidden demeanors and agendas in a devastating robot who nearly killed one third of the entire human population. This event led to what was known is "The Dole Wars."
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[edit] The Beginning of the End
After his bob-dole-tastic landslide defeat in the 1996 Presidential Election, US Senator Bob Dole was heartbroken. He felt for sure that his rampant third-person perspective on everything would convince America that he had what it took. So heartbroken was he, that he neglected to notice a collegiate southern boy sneak behind him with a fishing net. Captured by the boy, Bob Dole was helpless, and dragged off into a back alley.
Strapped to a chair, Bob Dole had his exact proportions and brain patterns copied from his body and put into the shape of a robot. Amazed at his replica, Dole was soon struck with fear as he realized that his inner desire for male genitalia had been amplified and reversed in the robot clone. With his lust for thrusting his penis surfacing, the Bob Dole Robot broke free of his restraints, and escaped to wreak havoc.
[edit] The Battle of Phalli
It wasn't long afterwards before the robotic Bob Dole (henceforth referred to as R-Dole) started wreaking havoc. Such havoc was wreaked, that it caught the attention of an unnamed heroine. This diva of light wielded an unusual, yet ironically suitable power: from her loins she could spring forth up to a million and one functional penises.
The two met on a battlefield near Seattle, Washington. Immediately they engaged in battle, with the Diva of Phalli and R-Dole exchanging blows regularly. The battle raged for weeks, destroying the entirety of Seattle and half of Boise. However, in an unfortunate accident, the Diva of Phalli penetrated a Mormon, causing the penis to catch fire and ultimately spread to each of the heroine's lengthy members, and ultimately to the savior's body itself, killing her. In the conflict, however, Bob Dole was injured, and distracted.
[edit] The Lurker Appears
Thankfully, all hope was not lost. A hero appeared on the scene, ready to spring into action. Known only as "The Lurker", he was clad in absolute obfuscation. His costume's fabric was made entirely out of Fox News political spin, ensuring complete protection from detection of Liberals, Muslims, and allowing him to blend in perfectly amongst everyone else.
The Lurker claimed that he had a plan. He knew of a legendary robot who ran off of "penis power." This robot, he claimed, would be able to survive each and every thrust of R-Dole's poking device, and he postulated that the robot's lust for R-Dole's penis would overpower the maniacal robot, destroying R-Dole once and for all.
The Lurker then set out on a quest to find the robot, named Keef.gif. He was successful-- in a fit of irony, the same collegiate southern boy who created R-Dole also had helped create Keef.gif.
[edit] Keef.gif Prevails
Sending Keef.gif after R-Dole, the Lurker knew victory was certain. The plan worked flawlessly-- at the Battle of Beijing, the collegiate southern boy and the Lurker unleashed the Keef.gif upon an unsuspecting R-Dole. After a battle that lasted exactly three hours, thirty-three minutes and thirty-three seconds, Keef.gif won against the powerful Bob Dole, ultimately turning the robotic duplicate's phallus against him.
[edit] The Aftermath
In the end, four million people died, and an estimated two billion of those were the entire Chinese population. Most animals were killed outright in the conflict, save for mountain goats, who still remain in tight herds. Due to the lack of food competition, the goats have since multiplied exponentially, and have lobbied for voting rights.
Getting the rights, the goats voted the infamous Cary Grant as President of the United States of America. When most goats were asked why they voted the acclaimed goat rapist, they simply stated "Baa."
[edit] Is It Over?
No.
[edit] Really?
There are rumors that the collegiate southern boy, who had no charges brought against him, has since been sighted kidnapping political activist Al Gore. Who knows what terror will befall the world should this be true.
