The English

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English contestants queuing during a gameshow

Nothing in the world can prepare you for the experience of the English (also known as Limeys (by Americans), Poms (By Australians) and Wankers (by the Welsh, Scots and Irish)). They are a merciless band of brigands who steal, kill and destroy, before drinking cool beer (it's just not ice cold like in America, this is because English beer has a little thing called "flavour" this means the beer doesn't have to be so cold you can't taste anything) over your mangled corpse. Profoundly hard to understand, their language is Englilish, a dialect somewhere between Saxon and Tuesday. Whilst they profess to be the greatest at all things, they were occasionally flattened by Australia in cricket, sexual exploits and stupidity. They enjoy watching an Irishman burn, and forming orderly queues. They also have a tendency to fly apart in numerous directions when exposed to semtex and electricity, however, a recent discovery by the oscar-winning research scientist, Sir Isaac Flemming, has resulted in 1 in 5 Englishmen being Semtex-resistant. Their greatest contribution to the world to date has been the heir and the spare, contributing much to the wet dreams of teenage girls everywhere.


The isle of England was constructed and colonised in 1850s by a gang of European criminals too nasty and villainous to live in the ice paradise ofto Scandinavia eat the sausages of Germany and enjoy the the porn in Holland. So, stealthily on the night of January 35th, 1852, they crept in to Holland and, while the populace powered their windmills by masturbation, stole a shitload of dirt and dumped it off the coast of France. To this day the Dutch have a shortage of dirt.

After a few years of tranquility, perpetual fog, spotted dick, and worship of knots, they were invaded by Vikings, Normans, penguins, librarians, Celine Dion, German aristocrates and Bob Barker. They got pretty sick of this, and so decided to invade back. For a week in 1903 they owned roughly 112% of the dry land on the planet.

The band Queen got bored with the world though, and slowly piddled most of it away for beer money. A notable exception was Jesusland, which they gave away in 1935 for free, because they hated piss coloured beer that you couldn't eat with a fork.

After a dozen world wars, nothing remains left of their native land of England except the M5 (which is under perpetual fog) Twickenham (which is not under fog, but actually "chronically located within very low cloud cover", for tax reasons) and Wales (from which the English have been banished following a very nasty rugby match in 1915 (and they're all a bunch of wankers).

These aspects of history of course help in some way to explain the character traits of the English. However, stereotyping the English has led to some annoying circumstances. The Amish people, who live primarily in Aruba and Jamaica where they raise barns and farm mistletoe, declare anyone who has less of a tan than them as "The English".

The English isle has several identifiable species of humanoid life on it. The main populace evolved from tadpoles, which followed, took over and assimilated the form of the aristocracy which created the isle. Only 29 tadpoles actually figured out how to reproduce, which stunted the variety of life to only a few forms. (the 30th turned gay and went to live in Brighton)

These can be divided in to;

- The O.A.P's (Old And Putrids, ocasionally found in the alive but fermenting variety. Mostly they die in large buildings known as hospitals, which are set aside for this activity)

- The Middle class (The only ones with any sort of notable personality, individuality, practical education and are infact the only ones who matter)

- The C.H.A.V's/Commoners/Scum (Incapable of intelligent thought and are limited to sex(thus spawning more), getting drunk and killing each other over hair curlers and public swings)


The nomadic variety are often found congregating outside their designated soggy part of the planet (see England), and are easily distinguishable with a bright reddish pink tubby hue due to their first collision with UV light. They are often observed walking home quietly after drinks, without disturbing anyone in a most placid and non violent manner. They are particularly respectful of anywhere with a good exchange rate with British Pounds (e.g. Czech Republic, Amsterdam, in fact most of the world (but not France)).

They can also be seen washed up on the shores of Bondi Beach which is as much of Australia as they believe exists outside the TV show Neighbours. The English are notorious for occupying couch areas in sharehouses and subsisting off the contents of their flatmates' fridges and cupboards.

In their native environment the English are hard to observe due to a chameleon-like ability which enables them to blend in with their grey surroundings - often dwelling in pubs where they practice the aforementioned beer drinking.

Once they go abroad however the English are easily recognisable by their inability to speak anything other than English. A common English belief is that if the waiter did not understand you asking for "Double Egg and Chips" he is probably deaf, and you should therefore shout louder until he understands. It is also acceptable to assume that anyone trying to communicate with someone French by merely adding "Le" in front of every other word is English.


  • Digestion of curry and beer
  • Ability to be hated by every country on earth apart from America, who sees them as "quaint"
  • Having the ability to hate everyone else in the world, especially Americans, who they see as fat lummocky bastards who he never think because they are under the dissolution that if they get an idea a light bulb will appear above them, this contributes to global warming which is what the devil snorts, this is called manifest destininy.
  • Evilinity, i.e. the power to occupy the roles of the majority of evil characters in American television and film.
  • Being Dandy
  • Being better than everyone.
  • Ability to witness Anything without displaying the slightest hint of concern.
  • Ability to spam soldiers against tiny countries then use those countries to make the biggest empire ever.
  • Ability to hit Scottish people with large sticks.
  • Ability to hit the Irish with large sticks.
  • Ability to call the Welsh sheepshaggers.
  • Ability to drink 1,000,000 cups of tea per day. This in fact is the law.
  • Ability to wage war with France.
  • Ability to have the hottest women in Europe the World the universe.
  • Ability to read things like this and laugh at themselves!! FACT! (Very true!)
  • Being the best at cricket (for less prominent cricketing nations see Australia).
  • The Ability to kick the crap out eachother over meaningless football games (see Millwall and Leeds).
  • Queuing. Even during knockout game-shows.



These poms have no variety. tsk,tsk,tsk

Oh, and they eat mushy peas as well. Can you believe that?! They actually sell mushy peas!! how dumb can you get?!

Writen by an Aussie (Cunt*)!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!

Most of which is imported from Australia in exchange for crop eating frogs, locusts and wallabys.

The English have also invented many unique types of fast food such as Chinese and Indian 'take-aways'. These became so popular in the era of the Beatles that they soon spread to the rest of the world and have reached as far as the pixies of India and gnomes of China.

It is a possible trend that diseases caused by Germs (originating from nearby Germany) will instill the longing for human flesh in the English. There have been several references of the English youths, while in tadpole form, experimenting with the process of how to turn Nuns into wine.

See Also[edit]

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