The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
Contrary to popular belief, there are five horsemen of the Apocalypse. One of the five is Drunk, the other four are Death, War, Famine and Pestilence.The sixth one died. He fell off his horse, cracked his skull on a rock, and -- although rushed to the Sisters of Miserable Penitence Hospital -- died. If he had lived he would have been the Angel of Drug Overdoses.
When the final day of reckoning comes, Drunk will be in charge of wanton destruction, general mayhem, irresponsible behaviour, looking a bit weathered, getting slightly greenish in the face, and finally throwing up. Currently, the other Four Horsemen and Drunk don't get along too well. The dispute started at the very beginning of history, when God assigned targets and responsibilities to each of the Horsemen. Drunk whined and complained and skimped on buying rounds at the local pub, causing the others to take an immediate dislike to him.
- Drunk has personally invented Alcoholism, Hangovers and beer-in-a-bottle. Also, he was indirectly involved with the invention of Divorce by King Henry VIII.
- The Saint Valentine's Day Bar brawl. This little mess started on Saint Valentines Day in 1929 when Drunk, in the East 42nd Street speakeasy run by Johnny the Mouth, made an unfortunate remark about the quality of the beverages he was being offered. Johnny the Mouth was rather displeased and broke a bottle of said beverages over Drunk's head. Drunk, being an experienced bar brawler, immediately vomited over Johnny's shoes and lower legs, splattering some on Jimmy the Nose's coat by accident. Upon noticing this, Jimmy punched Johnny in the face and a brawl was born.
- Lady Day. On the evening of August 31, 1997, Drunk was having a few drinks in a restaurant off the Rue de la Victoire in Paris. When he stood up to make himself scarce of some used beer, he stumbled over his own feet and landed directly on the table of Lady Day, who was having a quiet supper with one of her suitors. The commotion this caused did not go unnoticed, and as it happened, several members of the press were patronizing the same restaurant that evening. They quickly realized that they had an enormous scoop thrown in their laps (no, not Drunk being drunk in public, that is so totally UnNews) and cameras immediately started rolling, flashlights flashing and aggressive demanding questions flying around. Soon after, Lady Day and her suitor Dido fled the establishment and were last seen driving away at a fairly high speed. The rest, as they say, is history.
Friends and Relatives
Drunk has no friends, but he does have a few relatives. He has been married twice, but both marriages produced no offspring. Perhaps this is for the better.
Soon after the Creation of the World (or the Large Bang, if you believe that scientific nonsense) Drunk married Mrs Drunk. The marriage lasted for ages, but historians now believe that it has probably never been consummated. The reasons for this are two-fold: Drunk has always suffered from a certain little problem that is best described by this quote:
“Lechery, sir, it provokes and unprovokes:
it provokes the desire,
but it takes away the performance:
therefore much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery:
it makes him, and it mars him;
it sets him on, and it takes him off;
it persuades him and disheartens him;
makes him stand to and not stand to;
in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep,
and giving him the lie, leaves him.
(Macbeth, Act II, Scene 3)”
The second reason for the marriage remaining barren is of a more practical nature:
"Piss off! You smell like a goddamned brewery!"
~ Mrs Drunk on Drunks romantic overtures
Shortly after Henry VIII invented divorce, Mrs Drunk filed for one. Having seen Drunk in his courtroom numerous times on minor charges, the judge was most sympathetic with her case and instantaneously disbanded the marriage.
Drunks second marriage was one big tragic mistake which lasted for exactly two days, during which there was much talk of consummation but little action in that department. Isadora Hüppel - Kutt was a beautiful young debutante in Vienna at the end of the Great War. She married Drunk probably on an impulse, or possibly out of spite due to her parents having expressly forbidden her to ever speak to Drunk again after having had to suffer through an evening of his so-called "conversation". Isadora, being a strong-willed young lady, rebelled against her parents, fled the mansion and married Drunk that very same day. Fortunately for her, she almost immediately realized what a huge mistake she had made. While Drunk was asleep, she contacted her parents. Her father pulled some strings and two days later this marriage too was disbanded.
Drunk also has three nephews who currently prosper in the United States: Johnny, Jack and Jim. Johnny is CEO at the Alzheimer Corporation, a San Francisco based outfit that specializes in brain protheses. His company is a big hit! Not surprising, given the number of mentally impaired yet wealthy people living in the immediate area. The companies strongest sound bite is Don't forget to buy an Alzheimer brain prothesis.
Jack used to run a small-town newspaper but now is totally into the Web-2.0 thing. He has several politically-oriented weblogs going and makes a fairly decent profit on each banner that is clicked. On occasion, he harvests some email adresses from the web and sells these to interested businesses.
Jim is employed as a crimiclown. His mission in life is to visit as many criminals in detention as is humanly possible, and bring a smile to their faces. Hey, convicts have the right to be happy too! He is currently also involved in a government project aiming to put the fun back into fundamentalism.
Then, there is the matter of Cardhu and Tamdhu, or, as they are better known in the tabloids: the Cambrian Twins. Their relationship to Drunk is presently not completely clear. Nor is their agenda, for that matter. Not to mention their gender.
Means of transportation
Initially, Drunk was issued a fine pinto mare for getting around during the Apocalypse. Unfortunaly, he managed to wreck it within two weeks, although given his driving skills that is no surprise. When he went back to God for a new means of transportation, all that was left in Gods Stable was a puke-coloured donkey. Again, Drunk managed to totall the donkey within two weeks.
From then on, Drunk just stumbled along on his chosen path in life, or in some instances crawled. Though he probably wouldn't remember these occasions, there were also numerous times when he would be delivered to mrs Drunk in the middle of the night by means of a handyman and a wheelbarrow. Come to think of it, this may be another reason Mrs Drunk filed for a divorce immediately after Henry VIII invented the concept.
In modern times, Drunk has acquired himself an old dilapidated secondhand Volvo 850 Estate (the 20 valve job - vroarrrr!). Where the rust does not shine through and the non-original paint job has flaked, you can see that the original colour is a dull black. Drunk enjoys driving around scaring the bejeesus out of grannies, young children and pram-pushing matrons. Needless to say, the car sports a badly tuned Diesel engine, which emits enough toxic waste to fumigate a small town into the biohazard zone on a sunny afternoon. Ocassionally, he manages to get involved in a road accident. Unfortunately for humankind, he always is discharged from prosecution on the grounds that he is Drunk. Talk about class justice.
In 2007, Drunk released his first solo album entitled "Let's Be Friends". It has been described by critics as "A mix between Christopher Cross and Ernest Hemingway", but we don't listen to them because they're secretly art students. It contained the number one hit, "Please Mother, I Was Only Thinking Of You".