The Philippine Empire
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
This article is about the empire. If you were looking for the country itself, see Philippines or Pilipinas. The Filipino Empire and Philippines redirects here.
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| THIS ARTICLE NEEDS A STEAMROLLER!!! |
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| Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.
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| This article may be Overly Filipino. It's Spain's fault. |
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Imperial Standard: 
| Galactic Imperial Flag: 
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The Empire at its Height (ca. 2100-2170): | Imperial Seal: 
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| National Anthems : "Parah Sah Yoh Ahng Lahbahn Nah Toh!" (sung by Manny Pacquiao) | |
| Motto : "Bahala na!" ("nosebleed") | |
| Capital | Mega Manila (AKA, Luzon) |
| Largest Cities | Istanbul,Davao, Mexico City, Jerusalem, Cairo and etc. |
| Government | Imperial Monarchy / Fascist Republic |
| President (Head of State) | Manny Pacquao (2008-Forever??[1] |
| Independence | 24th May, 2033 AD |
| Currency | SIM cards for cell phones |
| Religions | Roman Catholicism, Ang Dating Daan, Iglesia ni Cristo, Rizalista, Atheist Circle of The Philippine Empire, El Shaddai, Evangelican Christianity, Islam, Crabmentalism, Manyanaism Pacquiaoism |
| Languages | Filipino (Tagalog), English, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Portugese, Indonesian, Malaysian, Thai, Hawaiian, Hindi, Arabic (NOT!), Latin, Cebuano, Waray-Waray, Esperanto, Elvish and 1012 other languages |
| City with the Lowest IQ | Tokyo |
| University with the highest IQ | Sillyman University |
| Main Industries | Manufacturing, Japanese Slavery, (cars, steel, furniture, food processing, shipbuilding, consumer products, appliances, etc.), Agriculture (rice, wheat, corn, animals), Mining (oil, coal, gas, diamonds, aluminium, iron, lead, gold, silver) and Financing (contains the world's largest stock exchange: The Filipino Empire Stock Exchange- formerly PSE), Pirated DVD and CD |
| Most Retarded Colony | Singapore - the execution capital of the world (thanks to our export-quality Singaporean executioners in Southeast Asia) |
| Famous Landmarks | Some huge retarded mall (Mall of Asia), The Landmark, Tokyo Tower, Hawaii, Golden Gate Bridge, Burj Dubai, Disneyland, Las Vegas, San Diego and so on... (there are about  landmarks in the Filipino Empire)
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| Ethnic Groups | Filipinos and the sub-ethinc groups (Cebuano, Ilocano, etc.), Japanese, Ainu, Africans, Chinese and their sub-ethnic groups (Han and Cantonese), Koreans, Malay, Aryan, Indians and the sub-ethnic groups, Europeans, Spaniards, Turks and Arabs. |
| Population | 1,189,265,000 (2187 estimate- 2180 census: 1,187,372,840)
429,293,300 (2040 census) |
| Time Zone | UTC +1 to UTC -8 [2] |
“Oh, no, I should have never returned!”
~ Douglas MacCarthur
“What do you expect from a nation of 11 year olds?”
~ Douglas MacCarthur
“Don't call our place a craphole you cheap cunt!”
~ Foul-mouthed Congressman on rude comments about the Philippines
“The women are whores, the men are thieves.”
~ Magellan
“Made in Japan”
“Invaderzzz!”
~ Filipino People on Koreans
The (Second) Philippine Empire, also known as The Greater Filipino Empire (Tagalog: Ang Masdakilang Emperyo ng Pilipinas) consists of the entire Asian Continent, ruling from the deserts of the UAE to the islands of Indonesia. In Japan, it is known to the Japanese slaves as 大呂宋帝国, or Dai Rūzon Teikoku (English: The Great Luzon Empire) or just 呂宋 (Rūzon). The Chinese characters are 呂宋國, or Lǚsòng Guó. By the way, we got reasons why you must visit the Filipino Empire. Apparantly, we pillaged a shop in Spain and start to sell a bar called "Spaniards", which is produced by Krap Foods. TAKE THAT, BASTARDS!
We don't know how a group of idiots known as the Chinese arrived at the Philippines in the 1100s, but the so-called left-wing bastards who called themselves "experts" had got the key (and the bullies who called the Philippines shit). (Note: "Tanga" is the Philippine word for "experts".) Not only until many people started calling the Philippines a "shit-ass" country did they started to hate everyone who said that (thank you, American bastards!). It ended in 2206 when people of the Philippines evacuated the country. (Note: "Evacuate" is the Philippine term for "shit-ass".)
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[edit] The History
The Filipino Empire has a long history, starting from the ancient times (around 10,000 BC)
[edit] Early History
The Republic of the Philippines began in 1945 when the Japanese and Americans were kicked out. It was a boring 20-year period of economic growth and democracy. BORING! Well, at least a bit boring. The Kingdom of the Philippines was inaugurated in 1965 with the election of dictator, Ferdinand Marcos who crowned himself the first king of the Philipines named King Iking the LXIX. Now we're talking: revolutions, martial law, assassinations and corruption?! HELL YEAH! It would be a long time before the Philippines is back to pre-1960s status as a rich country.
[edit] The Rise of the Empire
The Kingdom was a sleeping giant until 2032, when some retard senator from Baliwag called Palpatinin Kita married former queen Imelda Marcos and became king. Together they attacked Thailand, Indonesia and Japan as part of their plan for world domination because they wanted those countries to become part of the Philippines for fun. In one day, he wiped out all the Jedis and, getting rid of the queen, Palpatinin proclaimed himself Emperor on May 24th, 2033 and called himself Palpatinin I.
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo lived to see the Empire growing [3] and she became the Governor-General and servant of the Emperor. Everyone loved these sexy times and got high on lambanog fumes(again....). During the reign of Emperor Pacquiao I the Immortal (he was abducted by God) and his family, the Empire became very prosperous and reached its Golden Age (2077-2149). Under Amidala 2.0, the Empire extended to the coastal areas of China, leaving only one gap which is called Hong Kong.
[edit] The break-up of the Filipino Empire
The Emperor was killed by Generalissimo Darth Utot in 2188, with no glory hole [4]. The Filipino Empire officially ended on December 31, 2206, when the president, who was the son of Emperor Joseph the Silent (he was exiled and became Pope) declared that the Filipino Empire no longer existed and would be renamed the Republic of the Philippines once again.
[edit] People
Filipinos known for their highly well known ideologies like corruption, facebookism, dotaism, maidism, friendsterism and sexism. They admired inside and outside the multiverse because of their magnificent intelligence that exceeded to which about millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a billionth (they are very intelligent isn't). 99.99999% of their population is a 'arroyo' (a term used to describe superduper geniuses). Each brains of this Filipinos is controlled by a remote control. They envisions to conquer all the other empires around the world by sending 'arroyos' on them. They like treating themselves as a King and Queen of all. Those professors in UP wants to be a monarchs so they sent there students in digmaan (a term used to describe rallies). Filipinos are also known for their wide-ranging heights. As of forever, the tallest Filipino is a little known woman called Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.
[edit] Government
Apparently, the government of the Filipino Empire is way more like Ferdinand Marco's Martial Law government, except that the monarch has an IQ three times higher than that of George W. Bush (who is a massive retard, plus there is a Communist shithole issue in the goverment). There are two parliament sections in the government, located in the appropiately named Imperial Congress Building. These are the Lower House (the House of the Inferior or the House of Representatives) and the Upper House (House of the Superior or the House of Lords). The Monarch is the Head of Government, while the President is the Head of State. The Monarch lives in the Malacañang Palace, which is converted from a place of residence for the President of the Republic of the Philippines to an actual palace for the Royal Family of the Philippines. As time went by, the monarchs' intelligence started to decline from ultra-smartarses (IQ 186 in 2035) to just plain retards (IQ 68 in 2185). Even the presidents were glad to kiss their sorry arses goodbye. The Last Emperor was a total retard and fucked the whole Empire up by losing everything in Wowoweee! Not to mention that he was a rebel. Ano? Totoo ba 'yan? Aminin!
[edit] Administrative Regions of the Filipino Empire
The Filipino Empire is divided into 42 provinces, 913 regions, 1081 states, 23,050 colonies and 1,250,000 barangays (or districts). In the Empire alone there are 10,000 Japanese ghettos (one for every 12,700 ethnic Japanese) and 10,000 Little Africas (one for every 100,000 Africans). We found out that it compromised an empire the same land mass as Russia to proportion:
Provinces of the Empire:
1) Philippines......................................................22) Central Africa del Norte
2) Mexico.....................................................23) *EXPLODED!* (Used to be United Arab Emirates)
3) Yukon......................................................24) Iraqistan
4) Alaska....................................................25) Parsistan
5) Mariyachi..................................................26) Panggitstan
6) Tekila.....................................................27) Hindotstan
7) Korona.....................................................28) Bastustan
8) Yeyo.......................................................29) Espanya del Norte
9) Pen Island...................................................30) San Miguel Colony
10) Chikano...................................................31) Espanya del Sur
11) Afrika del Norte..........................................32) Yosistan
12) Colony of California & Hawaii............... 33) Phoenican Philippines
13) Sawdi.....................................................34) North Bakla
14) Afrika del Sur.............................................35) South Bakla
15) Madagaskar................................................36) Negros del Norte (Area 11)
16) Unggoy....................................................37) Negros del Sur
17) Maitim....................................................38) Mabaho
18) Sumalya del Sur...........................................39) West Morostan
19) Sumalya del Norte.........................................40) East Morostan
20) Bumbay Colony of Anghit...................................41) West Inchek
21) Central Africa del Sur..........................................42) East Inchek
21B) *NUKED*!. Frankistan.....43) Pengustan.
Although not recognized by the U.N., the Philippine Empire formally annexed most of Australia, southern Italy and portions of Scandinavia. The naval commanders are focused on expanding its' boundaries across the Pacific Ocean after they got finished with the West Coast with Oregon and Washington state. Damn Filipinos are settling everywhere.
[edit] Language and People
Oddly enough, the Philippines is full of Filipinos, though black people can be found in Japan and colonies in Africa, Chinese and Malays in South-East Asia, and Indians in India and Filipino America (Las Vegas, Alaska and California). Only good-looking people are allowed in the Homeland, so as to prevent ugliness, so NO CHINESE or KOREANS ALLOWED!!!
[edit] Usefull words and phrases:
A typical Filipino (from Korea). Tagalog is the #1 language in the world by 2100. #2??? You guessed it...Cebuano.
- Excuse me
- Nakikitabi po
- Hello
- Helow..
- Visitors
- Mga bisita
- Are you going down?
- Bababa ka ba?
- I will do it a year from now.
- Gagawin ko sa isang taon
- You will never see your money again.
- Hindi mo na makikita ang pera mo
- How are you?
- Kamusta ka na?
- What's you're name?
- Ano pangalan mo?
- What do you think
- Ano akala mo sakin?
- Make yourself at home
- Parang nasa bahay ka na.
- Don't be shy
- Wag kang mahihiya..
- Take care
- Mag-ingat ka
- Thank you!
- Salamat/Salamat po.
- You're welcome
- Walang anuman.
- I love you!
- Mahal kita.
- I'm sorry
- Paumanhin po.
- Goodbye
- Goodbye!
- Wish you luck
- Sana naman masaya ka sa buhay mo
[edit] Economy
The Empire's economy is EVERYWHERE! It ranges from bloody oil from the Middle East to Toyotas from Japan. The Empire also manages to create their own products such as the Crapmobile (the best-selling car in the Empire) and Bob Dole. Plus, their movies are like India's with the babbling, the music and all the crap. They are so rich that they can go and kick America's arse anytime! The capital, Manila, is full of slum areas tall skyscrapers that streches as far as the eyes could see. Yeah, you guys, as American idiots are so blind that you ended up raped up yo' arse! Our economy minister is Dr. Phil (from 2033-2102), who had attacked Spain with a nuclear bomb in order to make room for a parking lot for the Mall of Europe.
[edit] Manufacturing
Most of the manufacturing comes from Japan, Bangladesh and Thailand, where all of the cars and the techno crap you get comes from. Our Imperial Economy is Number One above ALL THE REST! Yes, and we are even Bat Fuck Insane!
[edit] Terrorism
We have lots of people to kill. There you have bitches dead on islands. Further north we have crap and lots of morbid buildings. Further west we have more Western-style killings. Also, for more info on onsightkilling the heart of the Filipino Empire, see the Asia section.
[edit] Transportation
Our transport is pretty much more modern, thanks to our humongous nuclear power plant! Apparently, after Dr. Phil left all the trouble behind, someday, there will be no America! Sorry, Dr. Phil, but you gotta need some help. So, Dr. Phil decided that we are all bitches! I don't know, but have a f**king field day, Eurotrash! Japan is proud of themselves that they are turned into grue years after their transport network is long gone.
[edit] Our Glorious and Invincible Millitary Force
[edit] Enemies
The empire fought against rebels during it's Golden Age. Led by Nah Olos and Dr. Phil, they invaded the capital. But Empress Imelda 2.5 came to the rescue by blowing up the Millennium Eagle where the rebel leaders hid with her all-powerful mega eye rays! They also fought against the super awesome Mongols, but they were defeated so many times that they gave up and made a peace treaty where half of their Japanese maids go to the great Khan.
- Canadians
- President Dick Cheney
- White people
- Kneegrows
- Terrorists
- Japanese men. The Empire gets revenge by flooding Japan with Africans. All Japanese women are deported to the Philippines to become our maids beacuse they can clean so well, and to work as "entertainers".
- Indian call-center outsourcing competition (those idiots can't speak English! ...except with a stupid fake British accent)
- People from Mexico and Latin America (they aren't real Spaniards!)
[edit] See Also
[edit] References
- ↑ After beating Oscar Dela Hoya in the battle of Las Vegas NV)
- ↑ Or is it UTC +20?
- ↑ Well, not actually. She died in 2058 of AIDS.
- ↑ Don't feel sad actually. DON'T. The last Emperor was very cruel and he massacred 280,000 people during the 2188 riots of Dubai. He was assasinated by an terrorist (a prince).
[edit] External Links
Official
- Official Website of the Filipino Empire Government - (Join!)
- Visit the Philippines NOW!
- The heart of the Filipino Empire
- Life in Marinduque
- The History of the First Philippine Empire (1279 - 1571)
- News and current events talk.
