The First Lunar-American War
“We now believe, and have credible evidence to support, that the Moon is harboring weapons of mass destruction. We shall therefore commence bombardment of the lunar surface to make them submit to our will.”
|First Lunar-American War|
|United States||The Moon|
|1,029,874||1 giant ball of rock|
Total dead: 1405
The First Lunar-American War is an ongoing conflict between the United States of America and the Moon. This conflict was started over accusations by President Barack Obama that the Moon had been stockpiling nuclear weapons. The CIA had gathered numerous intelligence reports that these weapons were being stockpiled on the north half of the moon. Confusion and mutual distrust grew as the Moon remained silent throughout these accusations. The following attempts to reconcile the situation through diplomacy ultimately failed as the Moon declined to release any statement involving the issue.
A History of Suspicion
The true nature of lunar society is unclear because it appears to be a totally closed system. The Moon adamantly and repeatedly refuses to participate in international diplomacy, fails to submit returns to UN statistical surveys, silently refuses all attempts at foreign commerce and tariff-reduction agreements, and rebuffs every attempt to open the lines of communication. Earth powers cannot even intercept radio and television broadcasts from the Moon, supporting the conclusion that the Moon is operated as a secretive, tyrannical personality cult, like North Korea or perhaps Disney World.
In 2002, President George W. Bush approved a secret reconnaissance mission to the Moon (achieved through secret rocket launches). CIA operative Joe Wilson reported to Bush that he had gone to the Moon, met with various statesmen and arms dealers in some of the best sidewalk cafes of the capital city, and had accumulated hard data that the Moon was actively interested in acquiring materials with which to make Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD). Among these materials was "yellowcake" uranium. The President's reaction is said to be a single word: "Yummy!"
The U.S. Congress received word of this threat and bipartisan majorities authorized the U.S. to arm against the Moon. (The resolution did not use the word "war"; they never do, so technically the War on the Moon is merely a "period of inter-celestial-body conflict.") The resolution carried the precondition that the President "go to the United Nations, on bended knee, and ask 'pretty-please.'" This was done and, six months later, U.N. Security Council Resolution 9201 created a multinational task force to pacify the Moon. Its members were the U.S., Andorra, the Vatican, and Costa Rica. Notably, the U.S. was the only named Guarantor of the Peace that has a military force, at least one involving vehicles.
Wilson would go on to say, "I never told the President any such thing," leading to a 2006 U.S. political season whose principal slogan was, "Bush lied, Moon-men died," but the momentum toward war could not be stopped.
- Not the famous Congressman, the Joe Wilson who is somebody's husband, somebody we can't name. Because she is a spy.
In the months leading up to the commencement of hostilities, relations between the United States and the Moon had been deteriorating rapidly. After ascension to the Presidency, Barack Obama began calling for reductions of funding for programs related to the Moon. It is unclear if this had angered the moon, but many Republicans in Congress believed so. They declared on the floor of the House that unless these programs were continued, the Moon would become more ambivalent to America, and the world in general. They immediately gathered the party faithful outside the Capitol and sacrificed a young maiden in order to appease the Moon in an alternative way. The Moon was again silent on the matter, which deepened fears of impending hostilities.
On 16 May, 2009, President Obama issued a rather frank statement to the Moon concerning the WMDs that it was harboring, and its refusal to come to the table for negotiation in an international forum. In a speech on the floor of the United Nations, he declared that "Whereas the Moon has refused on numerous occasions to discuss these matters within these walls, and whereas the Moon has violated numerous international treaties banning the stockpiling of weapons on the Lunar surface. Whereas we have demonstrated here in this chamber that the moon is indeed stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, let it be resolved here today that the United Nations will let the United States lead a campaign to disarm the Moon of its weapons and bring greater peace and security to the world." A standing ovation lasting 2 hours followed his closing remarks. On 18 May, The UN Security Council approved a unanimous resolution giving the Moon exactly one month on the date to disarm itself or face consequences.
Lead-up to Hostilities
The Moon was still silent after this and the international community was stunned. They had fully believed that the Moon would respond to such a strong statement. After Obama's UN speech, Congress approved legislation authorizing the President to mobilize the military in order to move expeditiously in the event of the commencement of hostilities.
Commencement of Hostilities
on 18 June, 2009, the U.S. Air Force in conjunction with NASA, launched a special reconnaissance and first-strike mission into space toward the Moon. The craft arrived in Lunar orbit a few days later and began to map the surface of the Moon to prepare for an assault. On 9 October, The craft launched a canister missile at a site on the Lunar surface located near the Cabeus Crater near the Moon's north pole. The impact created large columns of Moon rock and dust that expanded out into space for miles. Very few Americans on the home front paid attention to the first strike of the war, but began to notice that the nation had gone to war, yet again, a few days after the commencement of hostilities.
The War Effort
Very few individuals knew about this war nor did they participate in the buildup of forces. Since the bombardment of the Lunar surface on 9 October, the Moon has not responded in kind. The Moon throughout this ordeal has remained completely silent, much to the astonishment of authorities and political scientists. Many contend that this is the first conflict in history in which one side has completely ignored the other in all regards, including hostile actions. The reconnaissance of the surface has so far yielded no signs of WMD facilities. The NASA craft in orbit, however, will continue to scan the surface in order to locate the facilities and destroy them. President Obama has begun to suggest that new intelligence shows that the facilities may be underneath the Lunar surface and has not ruled out tactical nuclear strikes to eliminate them. Many believe that the elevation of hostile actions is imminent, although by which side is unclear. Possible methods of warfare the Moon could use to strike back are to alter its orbit, causing planet-wide chaos on earth in relation to wild animals and the schedule and intensity of tides, or to suicide bomb the earth and destroy a large chunk of humanity. What will happen at this point is anyone's guess as the international community waits with baited breath.