“They're FAAABULOUS, darling.”
“I Love Reita!!!”
“URUDUCK WILL RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!!!”
“Those are girls, right? ”
The following is a set of undisputed facts on The GazettE, a Japanese Rock Band/Pagan Diety that started in the late 20th century, and its individual members. Everything here is absolutely true. The odds are that if somebody says otherwise, they are lying to you, and should be reported immediately or later.
- 1 Biography
- 2 Musical History
- 3 The Members of The GazettE
- 4 Former members
- 5 Against Scientologists
- 6 Related Articles
Originally intended to be the second coming of Jesus, the band is the result of a tumultuous set of aglaphotis-related accidents that completely botched the original concept. At the end of all the mess, it turned out that the resulting being was not our lord and savior, but a pagan deity inspired by four basic doctrines; Red, Yellow, Purple and Blue. What religion this deity is pagan to, exactly, remains a mystery, and has ever since due to the fact that Nobody cares enough to figure it out. (And why would they, damnit? Is there money involved? Hell no.)
For a while things went on just fine after that, until to a horrible accident with the Chinese emperor lead to the deity being split into four separate beings and imprisoned in the bodies of four Japanese men. After a few scandalous confrontations with the one true evil, these men and their sacred holy mother, Kai, went on to wage a holy war against the scientologists under the guise of being a musical group.
While the fractions of the god themselves have existed since forever, the band was only recently begun in the late 20th century due to the recent invention of cross-dressing. After waiting in the shadows for George W. Bush and X Japan to develop Visual Kei, they sprung into action and soon rose to high fame after the release of Wakaremichi, which, in the language of the gods, means "I'm going to fucking kill all of those kitten-huffers so help me god." The group has now become popular in Japan, America and The Czech Republic, mostly among 12 year old girls. They are currently featured in countless examples of Yaoi fanfiction, which they will deny reading or supporting if asked. But truthfully, half the band's income results from them sexually exploiting themselves in public for money. through a stage act known as fanservice.
While many other bands in the genre consider The GazettE to be cheaters for using their divine powers to achieve fame, the heart of the matter is that there's absolutely nothing they can do about it. The band gained instant momentum due to their absolute powers over all of existence, reaching number one on some sort of chart or another, just like every other band that anybody's ever heard of in all of history. After appearing on numerous magazines and engaging in plenty of fanservice, their fame finally had absorbed enough of the fangirls' life energy to achieve 'super sayan' mode, thusly becoming super fame. Despite all that, nobody past the age of 17 seems to have heard of them. It is popular belief that this is because they are immune to the truth. The real point here is that The GazettE is using their divine status to their advantage, but nobody knows about it thanks to the evil Liberal Media Conspiracy
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The Members of The GazettE
Ruki is the 'red' fraction of the deity, created to invoke passion, life and creativity into the heart of mankind. His face mirrorred the world as he believed Asia to be the strongest continent and the rising sun on Japan's flag reflects on this compassion. Ruki depised Scientologists beliving that they wee fucken stupid faithless humans. Unfortunately, he kept it all to himself. (The greedy bastard.) When Kai found out, Ruki got a stern talking to and was eventually convinced to let artistic inspiration back into the world of mortals, resulting in the European Renaissance. However, just before the turn of the 90's, Ruki accidentally ate the concept of originality while making a sandwich, thusly dooming the world to endure horrible things such as Rap Music and Linkin Park.
Despite having existed for all of eternity, Ruki has never mastered English sentence structure. Now, he tries to make up for his failure by writing nonsense jumbles of English words into his band's lyrics. Together with similar antics from other bands in the genre, this resulted in the language phenomenon known as Engrish, which eventually deviated into Kyogrish, which eventually replaced Italian as the national language of Narnia due to it's incredible flexibility of meaning. Middle Earth and Hungary were soon to follow.
Reita is the 'yellow' portion of the four-pronged deity. His job is to implant the positive, manly ideals of courage! compassion! and valor! However, due to the nature of humanity to all-around suck at that sort of thing, he has yet to complete his mission. Reita has retained the most resolve in his situation, and has yet to give up on the human race, insisting that he is 'manly and straight' on every occasion. However, it's been recently proven that Reita is actually quite gay, considering he fathered himself and his three brothers with Kai in a terrible time-travel accident, which eventually resulted in Reita being a god for a fraction of his existence. The odd clothing over his nose actually hides the mark of the god.
Reita is a fan of Bananaphones, for they are the only cellular device capable of transporting his godly voice without bursting into flame. Recently, Reita has used his Bananaphone to get more involved with the political manners of the day, in attempts to spread the scripture of the 'yellow' fraction of the deity. When looking at Reita's call list, one will find that he's been making important, manly calls to all walks of human life, including a pizza, his cat, and Bejing-jing-jing. Seeing the usefulness of this device, he has recently begun supporting the promotion of the banana-phone. After all, who wouldn't want one? It's a phone with appeal. And, they're yellow.
Uruha, "Tallest Purple" Guitar
Uruha, the ‘purple’ fraction of the deity, is a raging drunk. In his early years of godhood, he was recorded to have smashed, burned and sodomized every resident of Atlantis before it sank due to global warming. But all he actually ever destroyed was mankind’s hope to ever be more threatening than he is. This makes sense, because purple is a malevolent color by nature, and the purple fraction of the deity is the most violent and manipulative.
According to a recent study on indecent exposure in Japan, Uruha was found to have what experts referred to as "very sexy legs". The fans themselves, when asked, remarked that they already knew he had sexy legs due to his love and possible medical addiction to hot pants and suspenders. (Only one picture has been seen with him wearing a skirt... "Unfortunately," remarks a leading expert.) Further commentary reveals that his sexy legs and plump lips rival Aoi's girly factor in a very big way. However, despite the rivalry, both Aoi and Uruha have managed to keep up a very passionate love life involving sex in the tour car. Don't worry, it's a rental! (Mother Kai was still not amused when told he couldn't join in)
Uruha’s hobbies include raping Aoi, being awesome, and eating babies to preserve his youthful appearance. Other deities within his plane of existence often disagree with one or all of these actions. To mention the more noteworthy of these events, one day Bhudda himself slapped Uruha for eating babies; the action simultaneously violated every individual guideline of the eightfold path. As a retort, Uruha invented Judaism. The world was never the same.
Once in an interview, Uruha said he would like to clone himself and call it "Uruha Two". A lot of fan girls strongly supported him in the desire is it would mean they could have 'smexi time' even if the original Uruha didn't like them or had to go away for a live. When asked his opinion, Aoi said he would be keeping all the Uruhas to himself, because it would mean he would get twice the hot seme action.
In response, Ruki punched him in the face and was thought to have said that the "hot seme action was all his, bitch." This swiftly ended the argument.
The controversy also brought into question what the English language would accept as the correct plural form of Uruha. After much debate, the end result was that both "Uruha" and "Uruhas" were an acceptable plurification upon the root noun.
More fun facts that might save your life. (Knowledge is Power)
- Uruha's name is a scary robot monster, as seen in figure A.
- While he is not having sex (or even when he is) Uruha loves drinks. Give him a drink and he will love you forever. Or maybe not, since Aoi would cry, (he does that a lot,) but he'll love you for a few seconds at least. Uruha's love is directly convertible to Mexican Pesos at your nearest Wal-Mart, and is the national currency of Korena.
- Uruha is not afraid of Fire.
- Uruha's legs are naturally hairless, because even protein is afraid of him.'
- Misfortunes to Uruha include times when Aoi is too horny (see in need of emotional rescue) and simply won't leave him alone- which usually means that Uruha will have to reveal his unknown superpower, speculated by some to be suffocation thighs or disembowelment by stylishly pointy hair. Other incidents include when Kai joined the band - which had made him very upset with how his world was going. When asked to elaborate, Uruha punched Burt Reynolds in the face.
Aoi is the 'blue' fraction of the deity, hence his name. The blue deity is devoted to the balance and harmony of all living things, bringing tranquility and calm to the masses. However, Aoi was never very good at this, so he resorted to giving everybody crack instead. This really didn't work out so well. Eventually, he gave up entirely, which explains why the world is in the sorry state it's in.
He pretends to like Metallica so he doesn't look gay but is actually a devoted fan of The Cure. It was recently discovered that all of his Metallica CD cases actually contained burnt CDs of The Cure and Linkin Park, proving once and for all that he was a twelve year old girl, and a music pirate, the most evil combination of all things on the planet. If he only knew that Robert Smith is actually, despite popular belief, awesome, then maybe he could completely embrace his love of unplugged music. Then he might not feel so bad about being such a girl.
After the news of his illegal downloads were published, Aoi was taken in custody, charged and sentenced to life imprisonment in Hell. The band visits him every other Sunday with a gift basket. The current guitarrist of the band is actually Miyavi in disguise. However, as Aoi nowadays has lots of leisure time, he single-handedly wrote all of the band's fourth studio album, "It's so dim in here I can't see what I'm playing".
Aoi is often considered the prettiest of the group, probably because he spends so much of his time around acoustic guitars, which has been proven to make you absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, it's predicted that eventually this will all go to his head, and the others may murder him out of jealousy.
People that look like Aoi
People that look like Aoi include, but are not limited to, Alessa from Silent Hill, Miyavi, and That Guy. This is most likely because Aoi is actually the third rebirth of Alessa, and will one day lead us all to paradise. As for Miyavi... well, hellifino. Maybe he's the long lost fifth brethren of the deity. Like that one person in captain planet or something.
Aoi is also rumored by the fans to have a striking resemblance to God.
Kai is the undisputed band leader and legal guardian of the other four members. It's rumored that Kai gave birth to the band after being impregnated by God, (Who was Reita at the time, we're pretty sure,) much like the Virgin Mary. In fact, as you may have read at the beginning of the article, The Gazette was supposed to be the second coming of Jesus. Unfortunately, Harry Mason showed up and snuck some Aglaophotis into Kai's tea, therefore terminating the pregnancy. The result was not the apocalypse, as intended, but the premature birth of a pagan deity that eventually became the band you know today. Or maybe you don't know them. But you should, because one day the rapture will come and their revenge on the non-believers will be ruthless.
Kai loves to cook food for his children, and often reads them bedtime stories. Except for Reita, who is going through those awkward, rebellious teenage years. He recently obtained a driver's license, but still refuses to drive, cars being an evil invention of the band's arch enemy, Dir en grey. Dir en grey and The GazettE used to be on good terms, until Dir en grey was taken to the dark side. That, and Kyo kept trying to look like Ruki. Or was it the other way around? Oh, god, nobody knows anymore.
Kai is currently under the witness protection program, as he is being stalked and harassed by many many fangirls (and some fanboys and fanhermaphrodites, as well as some person called Haji).
Things Kai does not want
The things that Kai does not want include;
Yune was a scientologist who was sent by Hitler to kill The GazettE. His plot was foiled when Kai discovered his evil intentions, and thus being so motherly as is he, dfended his brood by killing Yune. Without a drummer in the band, he had also replaced Yune shortly after they were done hiding his corpse in Stephen Colbert's lawn.
As long as the band has been formed it has had one purpose- to defeat the evil scientologists. Well, actually, it's had lots of purposes. One was to attract a whole bunch of attention from teenage girls, and another was to promote homosexuality and the Bananaphone in Japan. If you really look into it, it was pretty much designed to do everything ever, which I'd have to say it's done spectacularly well. Wouldn't you?
Anyway, right now, the band is focused on defeating the evil scientologists. It all started when a rogue band of drunk scientologists kidnapped Aoi and teased him for having such pretty hair. This, understandably, sent Kai and the other members into a rage of fury and vengeance. They vowed to destroy all those who followed the twisted doctrine of Aoi's tormentors. To this day, the ongoing battle between the two sides rages wild, disguised efficiently as every other existing conflict on the planet. All this Alliance/Horde stuff, as well as the War on Terra, is really a clever disguise for the real ongoing battle to avenge Aoi's honor. Aoi himself is the only member who doesn't take much interest in this conflict, although to this day he will fall into a state of panic if he is around, near, or even thinking about anything that has to do with Scientologists- Or Silent Hill, for that matter, but that's only because that place is damn creepy. Note: If you ever do meet them in person, and just happen to mention a certain word starting with science, compliment their hair, and tell them about how you approve of gay relationships. They will eat it up and forgive you.