The Golden Compass

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“I lift my lamp beside the Golden Compass”

“The movie is a blasphemy! It should be banned!”

~ Magisterium on who ever directed this piece of shit

“This movie made me cry my eyes out and then commit suicide. I am now in Hell.”

~ Magisterium

“This movie is nothing but secular propaganda; it's full of daemons, talking bears, magic dust, witches and other worlds: all the things atheists believe in!”

~ The Church on Having nothing else to get hysterical about.

“Too many characters have too much in common. For example, Roger, Lee Scoresby (the texan guy), Mrs. Coulter, Lord Asriel, Will's father and the Authority (which is Pullman's 'god') all die at some point or another.”

~ Movie critic highlighting some negative aspects about the next movies, emphasizing the fact that the subtle knife has to be broken in the end and Lyra and Will can't be together.

“Shall we try fellatio?”

~ Pantagaymon on Iorek's ideas for sex

“OH YEAH BABY!!!”

~ excited Iorek on Pantagaymon's coment

“Personally, I don't think this movie is a piece of shit. It's where I met my current husband, Piloco the polar bear.”

~ Nicole Kidman on her role as Ms. Frizzle

“This movie seems quite similar to Lord of the Rings.”

“'The Golden Compass'? What's wrong with 'The Northern Lights'?”

~ Some Brit
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Golden Compass.
The poster (in Spanish). Characters featurated: Lyra Belushi (top left); The Gay Monkey (top right); Lord Ariel (bottom right); and Serafina Pickles (bottom left).

The Golden Compass (also known as The Golden Cum-Ass and The Lord of the Compasses: The Fellowship of the Compass) is the movie adaptation of Michael Moore's ass (Well it might as well be. There's not much of difference between the two. They're both shitty and smell like Jack Thompson's dead cum, which can only be produced through 5 bottles of Viagra and 12 hours of his own free time). This movie states that animals are very mean to man, which made Mickey Mouse shocked.

Plot[edit]

The story starts out as the protagonist, Vrodo, obtains a magic compass from her Uncle Dildo. The wizard Gandalf the Gay (a "bear"), upon seeing this compass realizes it is from the Dark Lord Zauron and sets out on an adventure to throw The One Compass To Rule Them All into the fires of Mount Obviously Plagarized from a Far Better Movie(s). Eventually her Unlce Dildo takes the rin...er, compass and proceeds to throw it into a pile of unsold copies of Shrek 3 until Manbearpig shows up with a message sent by Chuck Norris that he'd roundhouse kick them in the face if they did not abandon their quest for the compass and train characters on the Big Steaming Pile of Shit so that he could play someone against him that wasn't modded for being a non-Scientologist.

Characters[edit]

  • Lyra Belushi: a poor, innocent child who lives at college and drinks herself to sleep each night.
  • Pantagaymon: the furret who ate Lyra's soul, and Iorek's mate.
  • Iorek Bearinstein: Pantagaymon's mate and a "bipolar" bear. He doesn't understand that Lyra really, really doesn't want to 'ride' him. He is known as the co-producer of March of the Penguins.
  • Serafina Pickles: a witch who works at Wal-Mart. She suffered from an amnesia caused by hypothermia.
  • Ragnar Fagnison: a "bipolar" bear who wants to convert all ice-bears into homosexuals and drive his species into extinction (although, as demonstrated by Pantagaymon, Iorek and Lord Ariel, males can become pregnant in this shitty universe).
  • Ms. Frizzle: a courtesan at the court of Louix the IX. She got a skin cancer after she's stung by a wasp.
  • Pee Scoresby: a man who likes to play with balloons.
  • Lord Ariel: Lyra's father. He commits zoophilia, rape, incest, pedophilia and pregnancy all in the same movie.
  • Stelmaria: Ariel's lover, he's a leopard, and a motherfucker.
  • The Gay Monkey: Ms. Frizzle sidekick. He's not really gay; he is HOMOPHOBIC!
  • Beowulf: A great warrior, he fights with a duck and dies.
  • John Faa: AAAAAHHHH!
  • The Authority: An ex CIA agent who thinks he is God, and the main villain.

Criticism[edit]

Some people were angered to find it was not, as rumored, a substitute for celestial navigation.

Another reason why this movie is criticised is because of the presence of the character Ms.Frizzle. Some say that The Golden Compass is a sequel to The Magic School Bus, a sweedish horror movie in which Ms.Frizzle tortures little kids (in fact, so famous was this movie that even had a book, written by Anorld Perlstein[1]).

“Fuckin' shit! I like to torture kids; so what? They deserve to die!”

~ Nicole Kidman (the actor that played Ms.Frizzle)

Also, many christian people claim that this movie is against their religion, because a certain kid is supposed to die and he didn't.

Still, this movie had some positive reviews:

“This movie is a master piece. It states that God is inferior to Satan, the real god”

~ Hillary Clinton on association of satan worshippers

“This movie is very good. In particular the sex scenes between Pantagaymon, Iorek Bearinstein and Ragnar Fagnison. They're so sexy. The only bad thing is the presence of human female characters; they're so disgusting”

~ Balto on furfag conference

Box Office[edit]

This movie earned 1$, making it more successfull than Disney's Enchanted, which earned -1$

Sequels[edit]

“Due to the [lack of] success of this movie, we decided to make one thousand sequels, to ruin to franchise”

~ Shakira (the director of the movie]

Such sequels include (but aren't limitated to):

  • The Lord of the Compasses: The Two Compasses
  • The Lord of the Compasses: The Return of the Compass
  • The Golden Compass and the Philopher's Compass
  • The Golden Compass: This is Sparta!
  • Snakes on Compasses
  • The Land Before Compasses
  • Happy Compass Feet

References[edit]

  1. Perlstein, Arnold. "I Knew I Should Have Stayed Home Today: A Survivor's Tale" New York: Random House. 1556 B.C.


See also[edit]