The Great Gatsby

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The Great Gatsby is a novel written by F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1940 set during The Great Depression.

“Gatsby gets shot in the end.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Great Gatsby

“If Wilde doesn't shut up, I won't sell any books.”

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald on selling books despite Wilde's interference

“I disapproved of him from beginning to end.”

~ Nick Carraway on Jay Gatsby

“You're my best friend. You're worth the whole damn bunch put together”

~ Nick Carraway on Jay Gatsby (33 pages after last quote)


The story[edit]

It starts out with Nick - a douchebag stoner - seeing Tom, his wife, and his wife's bull-dyke friend. The brawny man Tom demands a handshake, and they proceed to talk about Nick's new job as a virginity correction doctor. Tom gets bored and decides to jerk off in the bathroom. While he's away, his slutty wife Daisy and Jordan, the bull-dyke, have some girl-on-girl action while Nick also masturbates. The fun is just getting started, though, as Tom busts out the hard liquor. Nick takes out his weed, and a massive high ensues. When Nick's high starts to wear off though, he goes outside and witnesses someone jerking off in the grass. It turns out to be his neighbor, Gatsby.

So yeah, Gatsby has a lot of rumours. Some say he works as a squirrel-fucker. Others say he's smoked with a panda bear. Most people agree that he's gay, especially those who never even heard of him. Anyway, the following night, Nick goes with Tom to score from downtown, where he meets Tom's gay lover Myrtle. Yes Myrtle is a man. Nick is soon high, Tom is drunk off his ass as usual, and everyone gets too fucked up to carry on a story so the author just rambles on about stupid shit from there on.

The next day he gets invited to Gatsby's party. Seriously, a party is thrown every fucking day. Nick finds the bull-dyke and they find a bunch of gay people to gossip about Gatsby with. It's at the party that he finally meets Gatsby himself. At first glance, he seems like everyone else: an upper class fuck who's really, really high. But he's still kind of weird. He's smoked enough weed to make his eyes bleed, yet he refuses to drink. And he keeps trying to french Nick. The bull-dyke talks to Gatsby, and it turns out he's just really really really high right now. But Gatsby also smelled Daisy on Nick. it turns out Gatsby's stalked Daisy for five years, collecting random items of hers, tracking down her relatives and masturbating on her lawn. Nick says "Fuck this shit", and goes home.

Gatsby asks Nick to go to Coney Island, so Nick uncovers Gatsby's rumours. He has smoked with a panda. He used to work as a squirrel-fucker, but he's rich now. And he's convinced he's not gay. But now gatsby wants Nick to get Daisy (who, by the way, is Nick's cousin) to come over and meet the man. Nick doesn't give a flying fuck and goes along. later that day, he meets Wolfie, a guy who is most certainly gay and in the squirrel-fucking industry. They also run into Tom, being drunk as usual. Gatsby promptly leaves to masturbate on Daisy's lawn.

So Daisy foolishly comes over to meet Gatsby. Gatsby at first shits his pants, but after that he meets Daisy and they both fall madly in love. It's the kind of love that makes you wanna slam your head against a wall. I mean, this chick's a fuckin dunce. Gatsby's been stalking her, her husband is having gay sex behind her back, and she loves both of them. This book is worse than Twilight.

In fact, Daisy's such a retarded bitch that she invites Gatsby to her place, where he flips a shit when he finds out Daisy has a kid. nick tells Gatsby he's a douchebag, so Gatsby calls Nick and cock-knocker. Then Tom enters and Gatsby tells him to fuck off. Soon everyone's yelling until Nick fires a gun. he tells everyone to shut the fuck up and go out for pizza. he also tells Gatsby to stop being creepy, Daisy to stop being stupid, and Tom to just come out of the closet. Tom is pissed off and goes to Myrtle for help. Myrtle suggests that he cut off Nick's balls. Tom almost does this, but someone takes a shit out their window and onto Tom's head. That stalls him.

Later that night, Gatsby runs into Myrtle. Unfortunately, he thinks he's the most beautiful creature ever, and they proceed to gay sex. Everyone soon finds out. Tom's fucking pissed that Gatsby's stealing his wife and his boyfriend, and Daisy's still drunk and doesn't say anything. Nick tells Gatsby to get the fuck outta there, but Gatsby would rather kill himself. So he takes Myrtle and Daisy hostage, goes up on the roof and puts a gun to his head. Everyone's going apeshit and the cops are surrounding the place. Gatsby knows he's fucked, so he orders Daisy to fuck him in the butt with Jordan's strap on.

So here we are, the climax. Gatsby is being anally penetrated by Daisy on a roof with a gun at his head. he eventually starts sucking the gun like a dick. So yeah, he's totally gay. But it turns out that strap on was a dynamite, so Daisy lets go, the bomb goes off and Gatsby's ass gets blown to hell. Everyone takes turns pissing on Gatsby's grave, Nick takes a dump on it before deciding to go back to his old job. Yep, you guessed it - squirrel-fucking!


Gatsby's Life[edit]

Jay Gatsby was born September 31, 302 A.D. to the wealthy upperclass family of Michael Fox and Bon Jovi. Before meeting esteemed yachtsman Dan Quayle, Gatsby went by his birth name, James Creutzfeldt-Jakob.

On his twelfth birthday, Gatsby was forced to fight Roland Regan when he came for the money Adolf owed him. Gatsby was defeated horribly, and lost an arm during that battle. He also lost twelve dollars, three rubber stamps, and his entire Elvis record collection. And Hitler was killed by Regan, of course.

Without his father, Gatsby was sent by Bon Jovi to roam the countryside with a band of homosexual hippies, known as the Wood Huggers. During his stay with them Gatsby was taught ninjitsu and the art of saying 'Old Sport' and arousing women just by looking at them.

When the Wood Huggers disbanded due to the assassination of Elton John, Gatsby went to live with his Aunt Flo in Bel Air. He stayed there until meeting Nick Carraway in 2012.

Nick Carraway was the 154th President of the United States, now known as Egypt. He was known for his genius and amazing talents in mad science. In fact, it was because of Gatsby that Nick is no longer the president. A failed assassination attempt on July 6th, 2012, prompted Nick to give up his office and spend the rest of his life in constant battle with Gatsby. Nick was a smoker and a loner who had difficulties which he expressed through repetitive narration.

Gatsby always wanted to achieve sexual conquest over Nick, but due to their equally matched nature, the war seemed to have no end in sight. The constant bickering the two were always going through is said to have caused The Great Depression and Napoleon Dynamite.

In 1834, Gatsby enlisted the aid of Batman, known then as Seaman, to defeat Carroway. During this epic battle there were 500 deaths, an earthquake, and two Jimi Hendrix Concerts.

One Festivus, Carraway built a small nuclear device in his basement and, using the rectum of a cat, stored the device inside his own pet Moggy. He then gifted the cat to Gatsby, claiming that their war has gone on long enough.

The device detonated soon after and Gatsby became permanently disabled. He was limited to doing wicked flips all the time. Nick felt so sorry for him that he built Gatsby a giant transforming robot body. It is from this point forth Gatsby is known as Bumblebee, one of Optimus Prime's Autobot compatriots. Unfortunately while testing his new body out Gatsby runs over Myrtle, which in turn causes the French Revolution. Gatsby is not seen again until 3045, when Mr.T punches out the sun.

After the long hard battles and hardships, he met Carraway again in the cave of wonders. He fornicated with Carraway and realized he was fighting something he really should have been loving.

The two spent eternity with what was left of the Wood Huggers...

All Mr.T had to say was, "I PITY YOU FOO!"

And Mr. Gatsby responded in a casual way "Hug my wood, old sport".

It's a sad tale, if ever there was one.

Another little known fact about Gatsby is that he was the creator of Woodstock (His vision fulfilled in Woodstock 1999).

Gatsby's Powers[edit]

Very little is known about Gatsby, except for what super powers he possessed.

  • The ability to say 'Old Sport' and not look like an asshole.
  • The ability to drive a car described as a penis.
  • The ability to arouse someone by looking at them
  • The ability to live in a world of ineffable gaudiness.
  • The ability to flood his enemies in wet moonlight.
  • The ability to transform into any animal at will.
  • The ability to successfully be shot by a drunk, moronic mechanic.
  • The ability to stare at green lights for long periods of time
  • The ability to die of colon cancer, cause he's, like, so gay.
  • The ability to throw a party and invite no one but have 100 people turn up
  • The ability to have women choose over him or some other guy named Tom.
  • The ability to stop global conflicts by smiling at angry leaders
  • The ability to be heavily trained in the war and organized crime, but get owned by a lonely gas station attendant
  • The ability to aid in a hit in run, when he wasn't driving, but take the blame for the women showing who really wears the pants
  • The ability to be so attractive but look like he is smoking a cigarette like preforming fellatio and look like he is about to run away
  • The ability to die of lung cancer if he wasn't hit with a bullet

The Pretty Good Gatsby[edit]

The Pretty Good Gatsby was just like the Great Gatsby, just not as good. But he was still pretty good.

Notable differences in The Pretty Good Gatsby include a flickering orange light at the end of the dock, a man who fixes the Olympic curling championships, near-fatal accident with Myrtle, and a failed murder-suicide by Myrtle's husband on Gatsby. In the end, Gatsby lives on in a vegetative state, Myrtle's husband escapes into obscurity, and Nick wastes the rest of his life on the east coast, selling hot dogs.

About Gatsby/Methods of Disposal[edit]

Fitzgerald was more than likely too stoned out in his lifetime from frequent alcohol abuse, along with acid trips and LSD to realise the numerous use of literal and deep meanings within the pages. The average human brain can only recall things readily doing with drugs, sex, or violence.

During the time of reading it, many counted the longing to shoot themselves and all others around them on average approximately 23 times.

Oscar Wilde had this to say on the subject: "Why the hell are you asking me about The Great Gatsby? Get the hell out of my bathroom!"

Future readers to Gatsby have little option when arriving in the situation/tragedy of reading. In fair terms, Gatsby sucked more than a vaccum. In fact, had I the choice of reading it again or swallowing a live grenade, I'd more than likely swallow a live grenade. Anyone near you who falls under this debacle of reading this piece of shit, please bring a pistol to take care of yourself, and please don't be greedy - shoot your friends first.

The Not So Great Gatsby[edit]

Spoilers

The ideal of Gatsby fell apart in 2005 when Konami released Metal Gear Gatsby. The game involved Nick and Jay communicating by messenger pidgeon as they traveled across New York to find the resources to throw an epic party. The game became famous for its cult line "A survelleince Butler!?!?" The game is currently out of print however due to its poor sales value and censorship due to homosexuality and the promise of "sexy online play".

Metal Gear Gatsby

A brief comment from a modern day scholar

Well what do we say about the Ol' Sport known as Jay Gatsby, he's been shot by a mad garage owner and well frankly he's totally ruined that nice shirt of his. Truth was that Nick Carraway never really liked him and that Daisy was actually a man (bet you all suspected Jordan, didn't you!) So now his house is derelict and small children write naughty words on his front step. But there is one thing that will always stick out for the humble reader of this tale. Was Gatsby Gay? Would a better title be the Gay Gatsby, I mean after all...I'd hit that! Who wouldn't?


1. Don't talk about Gatsby 2. Don't talk about Gatsby 3. Never take strange men home and put them to bed. You will wake up at the train station next day without a clue how you got there and strange slippery goo on your thighs.

Quotes[edit]

Nick: (to Gatsby) "You have to stop masturbating on people's lawns, man!!

Tom: "Shake my hand, 'ya little bitch!"

Gatsby: (to Daisy) "HOLY CHICKENSHIT! YOU HAVE A KID!!

Nick: "I suggest we all go out for pizza-" Tom: "NOOOO!! FUCK PIZZA!!"

Nick: (to Jordan) "I can't believe this hot chick is making out with my even hotter cousin! Do you mind if I masturbate?"