The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia

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OK, you can panic now......

“Don't forget where your towel is...”

~ Douglas Adams on the Hitchiker's Guide to Uncyclopedia

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia is a pamphlet intended to help people navigate the Uncyclopedia. It is well known for having "Don't Huff This" written on the cover. There is recently a DVD version of this book been released, narrated by a emo version of Wall-E

Early History of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia[edit]

The The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia began as a streetmap of Athens. It was released on the Intarweb in 400 BC by Plato. In this time indoor plumbing and the Intarweb used the same series of tubes, and Plato found that a lot of shit was submitted. Plato asked Aristotle to help out with his project, but Aristotle replied "Hey, come check out this hot twink!" and the project was shelved.

The original Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia continued to be used as a street directory for several centuries, but by 22 AD The Guide was a considered a sacred text, the unofficial "Coles Notes" companion to The Bible. In 325 AD, the First Council of Nicaea ruled that The Guide contained "far too much blasphemy and such" to be associated with The Bible. The decision was uncontroversial, as most of the passages were about navigating the streets of Athens.

“Jesus doesn't need directions.”

~ First Council of Nicaea on The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia

Copies of The Guide were ordered destroyed by The Church. It is unknown which church gave the order, but it was definitely The Church that gave the order. A very, very secluded monastary managed to preserve a copy by disguising The Guide as a maintenance manual for the 1986 Ford Festiva.

Bored monks protected The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia from religious zealots by masquerading it as a car repair manual for the 1986 Ford Festiva.

The monks managed to preserve The Guide for more than two centuries, but was lost when French cartographers raided the monastary in search of a legendary street map of Athens. The cartographers mistakenly took The Guide instead of the map of Athens that didn't suck. The disappointed Frenchmen later traded The Guide for some magic beans.

In 571 AD, The Guide came to be in the hands of a very young Muhammad. Some Frenchmen were interested in some beans he had, and Muhammad was too polite to point out their stupidity. Muhammad found that he didn't have much use for maps of Athens or maintenance schematics for a 1986 Ford Festiva, and he unsuccessfully tried to sell The Guide on numerous occasions. Eventually, Muhammad decided to keep The Guide when he received a 1986 Ford Festiva as dowry.

In 610 AD, Muhammad needed to check the "points and plugs" of his 1986 Ford Festiva, so he retreated to a cave after his close friends refused to help and told him to "RTFM". Muhammad got sidetracked on a different project, possibly his second album Boo-Ya! From The Cave, and The Guide was believed lost for hundreds of years, although it wasn't lost it was just in some cave.

Eventually some spelunker found The Guide. Spelunkers are known for going into caves. The whereabouts of The Guide is not well known for this period of history, but some 400 years later The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia ended up in the hands of Vikings. The Vikings decided to seek out Athens in the hopes of pillaging and plundering it. They didn't know what a 1986 Ford Festiva was, but they didn't have one, and this was a seemingly good enough reason to want one. Instead of Athens, however, the Vikings happened upon North America. This might explain some of The Guide's more esoteric FAQ passages such as "Where are we?" and "Have we got any food left?" as well as the ever popular additions to the 'HowTo' series "HowTo: Stay Alive In A Frozen Wasteland" and "HowTo:Cook Viking".

“Shit it's cold!”

~ HowTo:Stay Alive In a Frozen Wasteland

Eventually, a few well-fed Vikings returned to Europe with The Guide. Over time, most of the cannibalistic passages were removed in order to make room for tales of Viking pillaging and plundering. By the 14th century, The Guide's Viking tales of pillaging and plundering eventually became the quintessential training manual for pirates.

By the 14th century, The Guide was filled with tales of the high seas, maps to booty and pictures of buxom wenches.

As a pirate training manual, The Guide's content shifted almost exlusively to pornography. Not only were apprentice pirates leering learning, but medical students came to appreciate the anatomy portions of The Guide. The Guide's utility as a medical textbook ended in 1858 AD, when Henry Gray released Henry Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body, widely regarded to be the most explicit pornographic material in the history of humankind. Gray's Anatomy is not to be confused with the television show Grey's Anatomy, Jean-Luc Godard's explicit series of after-school specials on the dangers of "whoring it up".

Just prior to the decline of The Guide's popularity as a medical manual, The Hitchhiker's Guide to Uncyclopedia caught the eye of the prudish 19th century British Parliament, specifically, The Right Honourable The Viscount Palmerston. Scandal erupted when tabloids photographed the Prime Minister's wife perusing The Guide in a "compromising position". The Viscount Palmerston enacted the Obscenity Publications Act in 1857 AD to quell the scandal, but in the following year he suffered electoral defeat.

“No she was not doing that, she just had an itch down there that she enjoyed scratching very much.”

~ The Rt Hon The Viscount Palmerston on the tabloid photographs of his wife reading The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia

The Viscount Palmerston was elected Prime Minister again in 1859, gaining widespread popularity with his campaign slogan "I'm itching to be the Prime Minister again". The Viscount Palmerston served until his death in 1865, and is widely regarded to be the greatest British prime minister of the 19th century. To this day, "doing the Palmerston" or merely "the Palm" is a popular euphemism among young Britons.

“I was his buxom wench.”

~ The Viscountess Palmerston on the discovery of pirate costumes in The Viscount Palmerston's residence
In the 19th century, The Guide was published as Cowboy Quarterly and is considered to be the epitome of American frontier culture.

As The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia faded into obscurity in medical academia, The Guide had already gained widespread acceptance in the burgeoning nation of the United States of America.

The Guide was released on the American market as CQ or Cowboy Quarterly, and proved to be a fixture in frontier culture, due in large part to the considerable collection of cowboy-themed pornography contained within its pages. CQ reached a broad market, proving quite popular with cowboys of all types: cowpokes, cowpunchers, cow wranglers, cow men, cattlemen, buckaroos and pale riders. No true cowboy was ever caught without his copy of CQ: cowboys without CQ were called 'm00bs' and considered to be weak and unworthy of their spurs. m00bs were often shot on sight.

The Guide also proved to be indispensable in the gold rush era. Pornagraphy, maps and 'HowTo' guides on such topics as surviving in a frozen wasteland and cannibalism were quite popular among Klondike goldseekers; only one publication could deliver this kind of content in a single manual. It is well known that famed goldseeker and author Jack London was shot after badmouthing The Guide in his autobiographical novel John Barleycorn.

The Guide infiltrated other aspects of American culture. The Guide was and still is considered to be the definitive street directory for Athens, Georgia. As well, during the Great Wars, The Guide became the training manual for naval seamen to communicate with one another in semaphore. The impact upon The Guide from modern military culture may have provided the inspiration for the 'HowTo' classic "HowTo:Convince People You're a Heterosexual Male".

The modern incarnation of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia[edit]

The modern form of the Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia came about in 1970 AD when Oscar Wilde came across The Guide during a one-man Love-in to protest the widespread use of Oscar Wildeizms. Wilde saw that the constant editing of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia had created what can only be described as pure nonsense, but seemed to have a pretty solid foundation as a guidebook due to the incorporation of an Athens street directory and maps to buried treasure. There's that, and it is well known that Oscar Wilde has a fondness for pornography. Wilde decided that The Guide could help people navigate his worst creation, the Uncyclopedia.

For several years Oscar Wilde devoted his life to The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia. Wilde painstakingly reviewed every image and edited the guide to make it more suitable for mass consumption in the modern world.

“Cowboys had terrible grammar, pirates could barely spell their own names... It was hard work.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the 35 years he wasted on The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia
The vainglorious Oscar Wilde placed a portrait of himself and an Oscar Wildeizm on the cover of the latest incarnation of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia. Wilde personally huffs anybody who attempts to change this.

Oscar Wilde's version of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia was unveiled in January 2005 AD. Although there was huge demand for pornography and street maps, protests immediately followed. The most vocal criticism coming from Focus on The Family and The Viking Anti-Defamation League. Jorund the Ignoble, director of the Viking Anti-Defamation League, objected to the references to Viking cannibalism. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, objected to the incredible number of pornographic images contained within The Guide.

“Vikings never eat other Vikings. We much prefer the taste of Irish stew or an Englishman in cream sauce.”

~ Jorund the Ignoble on The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia

“The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia only serves to corrupt the moral fiber of society. We do not need a book containing monk porn, nun porn, pope porn, pirate porn, ninja porn, cowboy porn, gold rush porn, Viking porn, medical porn, Jesus porn or erotic street maps of Athens.”

~ James Dobson on The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia

“What did you say about Viking porn?”

~ Jorund the Ignoble on James Dobson's insulting comments

“Stop drooling on my rug!”

~ James Dobson on Jorund the Ignoble breaking into his house to pour cream sauce on him

To this day, The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia continues to be the most widely distributed pornographic street map of Athens.


  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia is noted to be a great source of inspiration for Sir Mix-a-Lot.
  • George W. Bush used the article HowTo:Talk Presidenty from The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia to write his 2005 inaugural address.
  • Huffing The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia is known to cause toxoplasmosis.
  • In the thousands of literary reviews of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia, not one has ever been favourable.
  • Reviews of the pornographic content of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia have always been favourable.
  • The monastary that hid the The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia houses the Wikipedia servers.
  • James Dobson gave Jorund the Ignoble heartburn.

See also[edit]