The Holy Spirit

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“In Soviet Russia, Holy Spirit blasphemes YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on The Holy Spirit´

MMM! Spirits!

~ Tamia on intoxicating spirits

The Holy Spirit is God's brother in law, Jesus' uncle and a registered trade mark of Catholicism. It's one of the most fuckin awesome things ever!

Mythology[edit]

The inventors of Monotheism quite soon spotted a weakness in their newly created deity: Against the multitudes of gods in the rivalling polytheistic mythologies like the Greek-Roman, Celtic, or Germanic mythology, their sole god was hopelessly outnumbered.

Hence, the monotheists disassembled their one and only god into a set of manageable components: the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, the Celestial Hosts, Arch- and other Angels, Saints, Martyrs, Apostles, Moderators, and Administrators. For the sake of suspense, later authors added devils, demons, and more unspeakable villains.

The Holy Spirit in the judeo-christian mythology is a discarnate and unsubstantial essence (this makes it very easy to cast in Bible movies) and has some very useful attributes. Its flow characteristics combined with its excellent resilience makes it perfect for the execution of Immaculate Conceptions. For that reason heretics often accredit the Holy Spirit with the fatherhood of Jesus. Naturally, God vehemently protests this claim, but so far has failed to take a paternity test to prove his point. An interim injunction to enforce this test is currently pending for Judgement Day. Virgin Mary always denied any contact with the Holy Spirit, however, her testimony was not admitted due to contrary Bible evidence.

The religious holiday of Pentecost is dedicated to the Holy Spirit. On this day, in many churches bottles of diluted Holy Spirit are given away free to everyone who leaves a substantial cash donation. In some countries like Germany, a sparkling option is available.

Everyday use[edit]

Spiritus sanctus, original bottled

"Holy" Spirit traditionally is used at home for performing simple exorcisms, for covering up minor sins and for removing vampires and werewolves even though the real Holy Spirit is supposed to bring people back to their senses and convince them to take responsibility for their own actions. Suppressing guilt and a constant resistance to the Holy Spirit from your conscience is said to be the unforgivable sin because you just don't believe in forgiveness or even think you need any (because you think you're a perfect person who never made mistakes).

When Holy Spirit isn't kept Holy its fragments become meaningless little orbs of negative energy and sad memories. You aren't Spirit though, but a mortal soul formed by Spirit. Orbs very annoying little critters that like to get attention in front of digital cameras. Why? I dunno ask the dumb orbs or the little green men that like to collect them and pretend to be dead people.

But what even many catholics do not know, Holy Spirit is also excellent for decalcifying coffee machines and cleaning glass-ceramic cooktop panels. Since Holy Spirit is omnipresent anyway, smart housewives always preferred it as a cheap alternative to standard general purpose cleaners; due to massive advertising efforts of the chemical industry, this knowledge eventually dwindles away today.

Greek orthodox christians always have used Holy Spirit for repairing damaged inner tubes, therefore it was tentatively called Hagion Pneuma.

The holy spirit is not responsible for public drunkenness or public urination. If you experience heart palpitations, thinking of becoming an evangelical Christian, or uncontrollable laughter, contact Satan immediately!

Environmental notice[edit]

Surplus Holy Spirit can be safely disposed of in the domestic waste. The bottle should be recycled, and can be redeemed for five cents in Maine.

Keep out of reach of children[edit]

Warning: Use only as directed. Intentional misuse by concentrating and inhaling can result in glossolalia and/or Holy Spirit-related seizures. Avoid spraying in eyes. If symptoms of Christianity start to occur, contact Bill Nye the Science Guy immediately.

See also[edit]