The Iliad

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“Achilles pwns Hector!”

~ Earliest recorded spoiler, shouted in the Athens Assembly by Heliocates in 680 BC.

An early work of the ancient sage Homer Simpson, The Iliad tells the story of a soldier in the Trojan War and the horrors of war. Like all of Greek epic poetry of the period, it was not written down; rather, it was first published as a book-on-tape. It was later developed into a movie directed by Martin Scorsese following his earlier film Passion of the Goodfellas.

In late 7382 BC, Ronald Reagan called The Iliad "the best book this year since the DaVinci Code!". Unfortunately this caused Reagan to spontaneously combust and incinerate the earth, leaving no trace of life. This is why we currently live on Mars. After five million years of research, a book on the subject was written, called "I don't think so", made from the charred remains of the pope. Some argue this book is the best ever (I don't think so).

Summary[edit]

The Iliad is a story of nipples and the far shadowing spears that are thrust into them. The basic story is rather boring, mostly focusing on a whiney young man (Achilleus). There are occasional thrilling side plots such as the catalogue of ships and a rather detailed description of a shield. also, possibly the most interesting insult ever: "if god hadn't told me not to, I would EAT you."

Plot[edit]

Agamemnon steals woman from Achilles. Achilles is sad. Achilles complains to his mommy, who happens to be a god. More woman stealing occurs. Pertinent descriptions of the crews of a large number of boats. Achilles whines to his mommy. Rocks no ten men today could lift are thrown into soft and yielding left nipples. Everyone dies. Achilles whines to his mommy.

Eventually, after a great deal of whining to his mommy, she tells him about a small thermal exhaust port on the edge of the city. A direct hit could cause a chain-reaction, and destroy Troy entirely. Fortunately most of the Achaeans had extensive experience throwing projectiles at nipples, and so could easily accomplish this.

At this point Homer had been driven insane by boredom and gave up on the ol' writing lark, causing much anguish to his fans.

Humane Controversy[edit]

As the poem was written in the dark ages, before the formation of the PETA lobby, several horses were broken during the making of the epic by Nestor, "breaker of horses." The Trojans also known as the "breakers of oats" have been criticized frequently by various Oat Preservation organizations.

Character List and Descriptions[edit]

Acheans[edit]

  • Achilles - Momma's boy; application for the Achaean Postal Service rejected due to his inability to control his "menis" or god-like wrath.
  • Agamemnon - Once leader of a group of kindergarten schoolchildren; now believes he has the capacity to lead an entire army. The only army he's in control of are the ones attached him in a conga line. Everyone hates Agamemnon.
  • Patroclus - his mom thought "Patrick" was a cool name, but his father wanted something cool, so your mom agreed to name him Patroclus
  • Odysseus - a man not very good with directions; never take him along with you in downtown Urbania. The smartest out of everyone in the Greek Army, he could tell you what to do without getting hurt or making you fall on your face.
  • Diomedes - Befriend him, whenever you meet him. He's the one with all the connections to the underworld and the snack bar.
  • Great Ajax - Creator of a cleansing agent
  • Little Ajax - Distributer of a cleansing agent
  • Nestor - The old jerk and breaker of horses condoned by PETA.
  • Menelaus - Agamemnon's pro-life brother who wants to dispose of as many Trojans as possible. Stole Helen away from that other creep Paris

The Trojans[edit]

  • Hector - The Trojan who wreaks the most havoc and heck. Hence the name "Heck-tor".
  • Priam - Hector's mother who has parenting issues. Like Oedipus's mom, Priam has a thing for her beautiful transvestite, Paris
  • Paris - Hector's beautimous transvestite sibling and offspring of Priam with a pay-as-you-go cell phone plan. He's also a clone of Richard Nixon or some other 20th Century President of the United States.
  • Anus- Another son of Priam, star of the Aeneid. Runs away a lot.
  • Helen - Menelaus's boyfriend, seduced by Paris (what a nightmare, right?). Forced unwillingly (or willingly, who knows?) to be in the company of Trojans during copulation.

Paris and Menelaus battled it out for her. Paris quit, like a wimp (and coincedentially Richard Nixon) and let Menelaus have her. Helen freaked out and ran for it.

The Gods/Goddesses[edit]

  • Zeus - The big old beer-drinking god sitting on his big blue recliner in front of the television of the Earth.
  • Hera - The Love of Zeus's life.
  • Athena - Minion of George Bush, which is a bit unlikely as she is the goddess of wisdom.
  • Thetis - Achilleus's momma, but not your mom, so don't expect her to clean up after you.

Other Important Characters Whose Names Start with A[edit]

  • A'bas - Killed in chapter 5 line 148
  • Able'ros - Killed in chapter 6 line 33
  • A'damas - killed in chapter 13 line 560
  • Adres'tos - killed in chapter 11 line 328, killed in chapter 6 line 37, killed in chapter 16 line 693
  • Agas'trophos - killed in chapter 11 line 338
  • Agela'os - killed in chapter 8 line 257, killed in chapter 11 line 302
  • Ai'nios - killed in chapter 21 line 210 by Achilleus
  • Aise'pos - killed in chapter 6 line 21
  • Aisym'nos - killed in chapter 11 line 303
  • A'kamas - killed in chapter 16 line 342, killed in chapter 6 line 8
  • Alas'tor - killed in chapter 5 line 677
  • Alkan'dros - killed in chapter 5 line 678
  • Alkath'oos - killed in chapter 13 lines 427-444
  • Alkma'on - killed in chapter 12 line 394
  • Amopa'on - killed in chapter 8 line 276
  • Amphi'klos - killed in chapter 16 line 131
  • Amphi'machos - killed in chapter 13 line 185
  • Amphi'os - killed in chapter 11 line 328, killed in chapter 5 line 612
  • Ampho'teros - killed in chapter 16 line 415
  • Anchi'alos - killed in chapter 5 line 609
  • Anti'phates - killed in chapter 12 line 192
  • An'idotes - killed in chapter 18 line 21
  • An'tiphos - killed in chapter 11 line 101
  • A'phareus - killed in chapter 13 line 541
  • Apisa'on - killed in chapter 11 line 578, killed in chapter 17 line 348
  • Arche'lchos - killed in chapter 14 line 463
  • Archepto'lemos - killed in chapter 8 line 312
  • Arei'lykos - killed in chapter 16 line 308
  • Arei'thoos - killed in chapter 8 line 137, killed in chapter 20 line 487 by Achilleus
  • Areta'on - killed in chapter 6 line 31
  • Are'tos - killed in chapter 17 line 517
  • Asai'os - killed in chapter 11 line 301
  • Asios - killed in chapter 13 line 389
  • Aska'laphos - killed in chapter 13 line 519
  • Asteropai'os - killed in chapter 21 lines 140-183 by Achilleus
  • Asty'alos - killed in chapter 6 line 29
  • Asty'noos - killed in chapter 5 line 144
  • Asty'pylos - killed in chapter 21 line 209 by Achilleus
  • Atym'nios - killed in chapter 16 line 317
  • Auto'noos - killed in chapter 11 line 301, killed in chapter 16 line 694
  • Ax'ylos - killed in chapter 6 line 12

See also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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