The Land Before Time
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“In the first head to head battle with Disney and Oliver Twist, Bluth and Spielberg proved a formidable tag-team. It was a cage match!”
~ John Cawley, Former referee for the AAWG: American Animation Wrestling Guild.
“Stupid retards, made one thousand sequels of my movies!”
~ Don Bluth on Universal Pictures
“That's what you get for making illegal sequels of my movies!”
“Threehorns don't play with longnecks!”
~ Cera on her sexual preferences
The Land Before Time is a documentation of factual events that happened made by the American directors Don Bluth and George Lucas, featuring anthropomorphic dinosaurs and focusing on the wonderful things they were. The main aim of the movie was propaganda, but it ended as being a successful vehicle of fanboy and fangirl ism. It was also one of the most sadistic movies ever made; in the total lack of CGI at the time it was made, the actors' heads were violently twisted and mutilated into looking like dinosaur heads.
The basic premise of the movie is about children-running-away-from-home-with-a-mix-group-and-surving-all-odds-until-through-mysterious-and-mystic-means-find-their-familes-again-and-happy-ending. The story focuses on the adventures of five dinosaurs chicks, which wish to go to a place called "The Great Valley" (an obvious reference to Las Vegas), and are always being chased by the evil dinosaur Big Tooth. But of course it is original. Because, you know, they are dinosaurs. Of course, it also deals with rasism, religion, and red-meat eaters. The three evil Rs!
If Bluth's previous zoophile exploits were of any use, this one certainly was. If there had to be the main cause why Disco died, this movie had to be it. Also the birth place of Eris Discordia, but that story is for another day. The movie was a huge box office hit, but, once more, someone had to make sequels: Universal made about one hundred; the last one came yesterday. All of them are, at best, shit, thanks to the dull porn and coyly voices. When does Universal ever learn? The movie also inspired several more movies, tv-series toys, Bananas, POGs, book series, Broad-way page, and line of max-pads. It is speculated the original actors now live in a zoo in Czechoslovakia, since the last movie came yesterday. The series was created by Oscar Wilde, who, after a wild night of kitten huffing, watched a dinosaur documentary on the Discovery channel and was inspired to write the script that eventually became the first movie. Since then, the series has received about a million sequels and its own TV show, both of which gradually become more and more retarded as time goes on.
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[edit] Plot
[edit] Basic Overview
This section should cover everything about the franchise. The plot of the series usually revolves around a group of young dinosaurs who are constantly leaving Great Valley for one reason or another to embark on a perilous adventure, while their neglegent parents do not even seem to notice their absence. At some point in each movie (usually about 23 minutes into it), the gang runs into a T-Rex, and get chased around by it until they manage to hide underneath a rock. In the end, the characters learn a valuable lesson about individuality or some other shit like that. The series seems to strongly promote the practice of Dino-Christianity, frequently quoting the works of Raptor Jesus and making references to the Jurassic Bible. This has caused a great deal of controversy among Dino-Atheists, to the point where the series was at risk of being boycotted. In the end, the movie series was saved when the producers sought the help of attorney Phoenix Wright, who simply shouted "Objection!" at the Dino-Atheists repeatedly until they grew annoyed and gave up.
[edit] Synopsis
No duh, this section is about the first movie, the only one that was even good or worth watching. The story takes place at around 65 million BC, in the small town of Great Valley, Ohio. The story begins in a capitalist dominated Pangaea, in which there is a gap between the richer reptiles and the poorer dinosaurs. And it is in middle of a nowhere that our protagonist, Littlefoot, is born. For some reason, the author is totally anti-science, and so he changed the specie names; thus, Littlefoot's species changed the name Brontosaurus ("thunder lizard") into "Longneck", the later making absolutely no sense. Littlefoot's family was composed of three members: his lazy grandparents and his mom. Because the two vermin did absolutely nothing, his mom was forced to beg to earn money, and even so the family had to eat their own grass twice to survive in the bad days. In one of such days, Littlefoot went outside and meet with another victim of the capitalist tyranny: Cera, a young Triceratops ("threehorns"; again, makes no sense) forced into the same fate as the longneck's mom, by her own father. Then, the villian, Big Tooth appears on screen and desires to eat them, as any capitalist would do. The only thing that prevented him from eating Littlefoot and Cera until their were no remains was his mom, who desesperately tried to make Big Tooth her meal, tired of eating her own food over and over again. The result is that she was turned into the world's first hamburger for the then still evolving McDonalds.
Feeling no remorse of his mother's death, Littlefoot goes away, leaving his worthless grandparents starve to death. He travels ramdomly across the radioactive landscape, with a vague need to go to a place called Great Valley, mentioned once or twice when his grandpa was making him work to death. He meets Cera once more, but she refuses to play with him, as she was still lifeless from running away. Leaving his first victim behind, Littlefoot meets a more playful partner in a lake's shore, a duckbill called Ducky (what an orginal name, don't you think?). However, she still has no time to play, running away from HER own probablems. Then Littlefoot's life improves considerably when he meets a flyer (Pteranodon) called Petrie, whose flightlessness made no one else want to have anything to do with him, and Spike, a lizard thing who doesn't have anything else to do. Littlefoot and his gang earn some money by preforming for other dinosaurs, which spares Littlefoot from eating his own grass again and again like he did at home. Then they are joined by a terrified Cera, who claims that Big Tooth is still alive. None of the dinosaurs believes her however, and thus gang pwn her.
Forcing the threehorn to join them, the dinosaurs are now actually looking for Great Valley, as they believe there would be enough prople to entertain there for them to become very rich. They decide to settle on a river shore, feeding on the scraps left by the costumers of a McDonalds restaurant. Big Tooth does appear however, and the terrified dinosaurs run away, forced to vomit their dinner in order to gain speed. Once the supposed pathway to Great Valley turns too hostile for them, most of Littlefoot's gang abandons him and follow Cera's suggestion of going through California instead of going through Texas. However, by following Cera's suggestion, the gang is at last meet by Big Tooth and thrown in the La Brea Tar Pits. Too weak to move, they plead Littlefoot to save them, as for some reason he appears at the area. It is then revealed he actually made a pact with Big Tooth prior to the dinosaurs leaving him, and now he laughs at their slow death in the tar pits. Having got rid of them, Littlefoot becomes a single entertainer, earning half of the money previously earned but at least not needing to share it with anyone. That is, until J.K. Rowling stole it. Starving in the middle of the desert, Littlefoot sees a cloud that resembles his mom, and following it he ends up in a wonderfull oasis: the Great Valley. Just as he thinks he'll be the only one there, the others arrive! So, they all live together, sharing and living in peace. Now this is why all the sequels are so bad: all they do is live in the valley! How boring!
[edit] History
Since the events mentioned before happen before History was ever invented, the videos archived for this are degrated. So only hearsay and what the Romans know. The names may also be translated wrong, but the actual adventure is close to accurate.
Originally, The Fox and the Hound was a one and a half our production with an even deeper storyline. However, Disney cut out about a third of the movie to make sure it had room for all the action scenes. So after giving the floating head of Walt the finger, Don Bluth quit and decide to go solo. He failed, only successful with virgins. So then Bluth went on to write the script for The Black Cauldron, which floped like a one-wing duck on the empire state buliding.
While researching, he accidently spotted the foot of the real Spielberg. Impressed with this act, Steven shared the wealth of his knowledge and let Bluth look through some of his ideas. Bluth looked and knew the only way to beat kittens was with the polar oppisotie of felines: Dinosaurs!!
Of course, the original idea was some wacky scientist revived the dinosaurs and when the power went out, nafariousness ensured. However, Bluth wanted something more real. So the story of the Great Valley-High struggle, which consisted of seven male dinosaurs priest seaching for the ultimate power through the legendary star-leaves, and finally reaching their promised land. Bluth hacked the story apart and made it more kid friendly. Take that, Disney!
[edit] Voice Cast
[edit] English Casting
- Gabriel (the Angel)/Damien (The Anti-Christ)....Littlefoot
- N/A....Cera
- Judge Judy....Ducky
- The bird that pooped on the card today....Petrie
- The Ghost of Christmas Future....Spike
- Pat Sajak....Narrator
- Monica Bang....Littlefoot's Mother
- Chris Rock....Daddy Topps
- The Hobo on the Corner....Grandfather
- A carton of milk....Grandmother
- Mad Cow....Littlefoot's Mother's Babies' Daddy
[edit] Japaneese Casting
- Generice voice actress #1....Littlefoot
- Generic voice actress #20....Cera
- Minor generic voice actress #135....Ducky
- Generic voice actor #999....Petrie
- Future illusion of Christmas....Spike
- John Reno....himself.
[edit] English (Canada) Casting
- Moe....LittleFoot
- A healthy Kraft Dinner....Cera
- Nepeese....Ducky
- An Ice-burg....Petire
- Possibly Death as a little old woman....Spike
- Red Green....Ducky's half-brother, Ducktape.
[edit] French (Canada) Casting
- Ze Germains....Little Foot
- Um-Chuk Comalu....Certa
- Bam Bam....Ducky
- Stick Boy...Petrie
- Diana Ross....Spike
- Celine Dion....Diana Ross
[edit] Singapore Casting
Highly illegal
[edit] Characters
- Littlefoot: the protagonist of the movie. Do not mistake him for Bigfoot, which is actually harmless. He's a Brachiosaurus, referred to in the movies as a "longneck", Littlefoot views himself as the leader among his friends, much to their annoyance. While all dinosaurs have are said to have tiny brains, Littlefoot is even dumber than the rest by comparison, having an IQ slightly lower than that of a banana. Besides his dead mom, he also has two grandparents who care for him as much as a trash can, and force him to do everything for them. Thus, he was forced to run away. There, he meant Cera, Ducky, Spike, Ruby, and the other dinosaurs featured in the movie and they found the Great Valley. So you'd think the story would end there right? WRONG! 3 million sequels were produced. Due to his lack of intelligence, Littlefoot constantly hatches harebrained schemes to try and solve the problems concerning him and his friends, most of which involve wandering aimlessly through uncharted territory and nearly getting themselves killed. It is implied repeatedly throughout the series that Littlefoot's long neck may meant to compensate for one of the dinosaur's "shortcomings". After all, you know what they say about a guy with little feet...
- Cera: A hideous mutant created when scientists attempted to combine the DNA of a Triceratops and Eric Cartman. Cera is a violent, ill-tempered beast whose sexual orientation (as well as actual gender) is currently unknown. He/She often challenges Littlefoot for leadership of the group, but is always foiled by the others, who believe Littlefoot is the lesser of two evils. As a result of repeatedly running into objects with his/her head, Cera suffers from severe brain damage, causing him/her to have about the same level of intelligence as Littlefoot. He/She is probably the most unfortunate character in the series, being a fairly shy and modest person compared to the others. She also has a father, a total hypocrite who is bashfull towards Littlefoot's sins.
- Petrie: A Pterodactyl that suffers from dimentia, a Napoleon Complex and Tourettes Syndrome. The other characters frequently leave Petrie for dead during their adventures, only to be severely disappointed when he returns unharmed (well, relatively unharmed). To this day, Petrie has said every known swear word in the book, including several obscure ones which are so vulgar that, if uttered, will cause a puppy somewhere in the world to have explosive diarhrea for three months.
- Ducky: the most annoying duckbill on Earth; no one knows her birth origin, or cares. Her motto is "Yep Yep Yep!", usually said when someone asks her something, stupid or not. She's one of those weird dinosaurs with the pointy things on the backs of their heads. She's also by far the least interesting character in the series, so I'm not even going to bother putting anything else here.
- Tyrone E. Simmons, aka "Spike": A Stegosaurus and former chief of police in the city of Brooklyn. Two days before his retirement, Tyrone witnessed the deaths of his fellow officers before his very eyes at the hands of a serial killer, an event so traumatizing that it rendered Tyrone unable to speak. Tyrone was then placed under the witness protection program and relocated to Great Valley under the new identity of "Spike". In an attempt to numb the pain of his haunting memories, Spike developed an overeating disorder, consuming anything and everything he can find. He has eaten Petrie on three seperate occasions.
- Guido: A worthless little brat who doesn't speak, doesn't think, and has absolutely no life (nor brain, for that matter). For that reason, he is pretty much more of a zombie than a living thing really (except when he eats or poops, then he's pretty much alive), so everyone on the series doesn't care about him. In the eight episode or so it is revealed there are more creatures like him, and the entire plot focuses on the adventures of the superior dinosaurs with them. In episode four he does actually say "Bicth!" when Ducky was having talking with a bird and a crocodile.
- Chomper: A purple T-Rex, not to be confused with Barney the Dinosaur. He's Big Tooth's son who is introduced in movie two. Because he was born right in front of Littlefoot that made the longneck his legal guardian, and so he treated the little t-rex cub as well as his own family treated him. Despite being hatched and raised by Littlefoot and the gang, Chomper cannot overcome his instincts and frequently kills an devours the citizens of Great Valley.As a result, Chomper was taken away to a family of foster t-rexes after so much abuse. However, no matter how much his parents loved and cared for him, he returned to Littlefoot in the tv series. Then after being run out of town by the remaining townsfolk, Chomper moved back in with his parents on an island which serves as an enormous grow-op. Since then, Chomper has since become an experienced drug dealer. His name comes from the morbid habit of chomping instead of eating.
- Ruby: some stupid kind of bird thingie introduced in the tv series, after many complaints of lack of new characters in the series. She dislikes Littlefoot, only talking to him when no one else is availiable.
- Other chracters: aside from the mentioned protagonists, most episodes feature a character or another that always ends up being gang pwned at some point in the story (or, more often, during the whole movie). Some made second appearences in the tv series; unless they like to be pwned thousands of times, its unclear why they appear.
[edit] Sequels
Universal Pictures made it their MISSION to make at 3 million sequels, all of which have no plot and nothing but songs and stupidity. The following sequels were made:
- Land Before Time II: The Great Ranch Valley
- Land Before Time III: The Time of Wall Street Crash
- Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Poo (really mud, stupid people don't know what mud is!!!!!!!)
- Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Terious
- Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saturn's Rings
- The Land Before Time VII: The Empire Strikes Back
- The Land Before Time VIII: Petrie's Revenge
- The Land Before Time IX: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
- The Land Before Time X: Attack of the Grues
- The Land Before Time XI: Director's Cut
- The Land Before Time XII: Hot and Cold
- The Land Before Time XIII: I froze my nose!
- The Land Before Time XIV: We're Running out of Ideas
- The Land Before Time XV: Reloaded
- The Land Before Time XVI: Spike goes to Rehab
- The Land Before Time XVII: Spike goes to Rehab...Again
- Land Before Time XVIII: Journey to Big Gig
- Land Before Time XIX: The Rednecks Go Huntin' (for plants)
- Land Before Time XX: War of the Worlds
- Land Before Time XXI: The Great Day of the Desktop Flyers
- Land Before Time XXII: The Wisdom of Stupidity
- Land Before Time XXIII: The Fellowship of the Ring
- Land Before Time XXIV: The Two Towers
- Land Before Time XXV: The Return of the King
- Land Before Time XXVI: Littlefoot vs Barney
- Land Before Time XXVII: Littlefoot gets AIDS
- Land Before Time XXVIII: Littlefoot Dies
- Land Before Time DCLXVI: Dinosaurs pwned by Chuck Norris
In addition there was also a tv series, further making a good movie gone bad.
