The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

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“I liked tapping the enemies”

~ Oscar Wilde on Attack Methods

“I look like Gannondorf, I am up to date in current evil affairs like Gannondorf, but no, I'm not Gannondorf! Now go kick Bellum's ass with this Mast...Sword of phantoms!”

~ Zauz the Blacksmith on Link

“This game sucks”

~ Captain Frank on This Game
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
TLOZ Phantom Hourglass.jpg
Touching is good
Developer Bioware
Release Date 1983
Genre Shoot-them-up
Platforms Atari
Rating 10 "I had wet dreams every night for a month after playing this"
Would Harry Potter play it? "If there's a serial rapist in it then i'm sold"

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (ゼルダの伝説 夢幻の砂時計 Zeruda no Densetsu Muggles no Snape Dookie , lit. "The Legend of Zelda: Hourglass of Sexual Fantasies"), is a DS game developed by the Gaming Operations Nintendo Assessment and Development Section and published by Nintendo for the Nintendo DS as part of Nintendo's critically attacked Legend O' Zelda Nintendo series. It features Nintendo 3D cel-shaded Nintendo graphics with an overhead Nintendo camera perspective primarily, but incorporating different Nintendo viewpoints based on the player's religious background.

The graphics are similar in style to Nintendo's The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and the Nintendo States of America confirms that Nintendo's Phantom Hourglass is the former's direct Nintendo sequel. Nintendo's Satoru Iwata unveiled it with a Nintendo trailer during his Nintendo keynote address at the Nintendo 2006 Drugs Developers Conference in San Jose. Nintendo.

Story[edit]

Link meets a fairy while travelling across the sea and gets lost; his boat is destroyed in an act of erotica, and he is yet again wasted. He then meets up with Michael Jackson, who, if the picture is anything to judge by, wants to sodomize Link with a rupee. My God, they use such huge gems for currency, don't they?

Anyway, the game takes place across a series of small islands outside of Hyrule called The Islands Of Masturbation. It is on Mercay Island that Link meets a kindly old pervert by the name of Oshus. Oshus reveals to Link that he must find and retrieve the legendary Three Testicled Scrotum and return it to him for use as an aid to maturbation. The dirty old rapist!

During Link's travels across the islands he meets Linebeck, a chronic masturbater who, after explaining his worries to Link, joins him for the ride. Throughout the quest Link must rely on Linebeck to get from island to island in his ship; the SS Scrotum. The navigation of the ship is entirely based on the players input on the touch screen. In other words the player draws a line on the Sea Chart that Link acquires earlier in the game, and the ship follows the exact route across the sea. While all this is going on, Linebeck stays down in the engine room doing sod-all (he's supposed to be the captain for fuck sake).

Gameplay[edit]

The gameplay in this Nintendo DS game is mostly over the heads of many players, similar to most 2D The Legend O' Zelda titles, but the character models and the environments are in 3D. The rendering environment was stolen from Nintendo's Animal Crossing and the two development teams are currently trying to sue each other. The touch screen is used to control Link, to feel him up or to solve puzzles (such as the fiendishly hard puzzle of drawing an hourglass shape as shown on the beginning of the game's GDC trailer), while the upper screen is wasted as a map feature. The map can also be brought down to the touch screen, allowing the player to vandalize it. It can also transform into a seven foot tall screen in some events, such as the battle scene in the trailer. All boss battles use the top and bottom screen, as well as the one on your neighbour's television set down the road. The microphone is used as well, meaning by the time you've finished playing, your screens will be covered in spit.

In this game, Link has a fairy named Sierra Leone. After waging a civil war on herself, the fairy acts as the cursor for touch screen input with the stylus. However, unlike in the Wii version of Twilight Princess, the Fairy isn't a complete gimmick and is involved in the actual story.

The player controls Link by using the stylus on the lower screen of the DS to molest the fairy. Running and walking is done by moving your legs. Rolling is done by dragging the stylus into the edge of oblivion twice in succession, while talking to people, reading signs, and picking up items requires the player to punch them on the touch screen.

Phantom Hourglass takes full advantage of nearly every DS feature including the built in microphone. Throughout the game, there are torches and candles that the player can extinguish by giving the Nintendo DS' built-in microphone a blow job. On other occasions, the player is required to shout to attract the attention of non-player characters. All of it is intended to make you look like a complete twit if played in public, because Nintendo hates you.

Sword swings are accomplished by drawing a small arc near Link in the direction the player wishes to cut. Likewise, a quick tap in one direction with the stylus produces a gaping hole in the screen, while a thrust-like motion (whatever the Hell that is) from Link into a direction makes him thrust his hips. Also drawing a full circle around Link will cause him to spin round until he gets really dizzy and collapses to the floor in a pathetic heap. Touching most enemies on the touch screen will cause Link to fondle them in naughty places, after which he maneuvers to their location and murders them... or molests them, depending on how horny he is.

The overworld, like The Wind Waker's, is set in a tiny ocean comprised of quadrants, mapped out on charts obtained in the Sea King's Temple. The smallness means people won't get bored to death travelling from island to island. In truth the sailing on this game is rather arousing, travelling across the sea of cum, it certainly gave me a boner on more than occasion.

Battle Mode[edit]

Included with Phantom Hourglass is the option to turn your DS into a battle robot and take out key military bases on the west coast. It only allows you to engage in 1-on-1 robot sex, however, but frankly, the rutting is more than enough to destroy the west coast thank you very much.

yeah well....is there any more to it?...no not really....

Development[edit]

The main objective in the game’s creation was to fully utilize the DS’s hardware, having a Zelda game controlled by the stylus/touch screen alone. Unfortunately, the plans of making an interactive Zelda sex doll for the DS fell through when it turned out players aren't turned on by cel-shaded graphics.

The first concept for control was that the player would use telekinesis to control Link. The team found however that mankind hadn't evolved far enough to do this. They then decided to change the game's controls to the one currently used now.

The game was first shown to the public at the 2006 Drug Developers Conference, in the form of a tablet. At E3 2006, the game was in potable form for the visitors, and also saw the introduction of the multiplayer adult mode. At E3 it was announced to be released in the fourth dimension in 2006, but as Nintendo kept quiet on the game in the months following, it became apparent it was going to be delayed and in late November, it was officially announced to be delayed into 3007. At E3 4007, Nintendo announced the official North American release date of October 1, 5007.

Four Swords DS[edit]

This was going to be Four Swords game but the developers got too lazy and pissed so they made this game. Cunts.

Reception[edit]

At both E3 2006 and 3007, Phantom Hourglass won the Critics Awards for Best Handjob[1].

On the stylus-driven control scheme, some guy from Weird gaming blog noted that "there seems to be absolutely zero challenge. Molesting with the stylus feels totally natural"[2], predicting that it "will be copied endlessly from here on out."[3]

Sales[edit]

In terms of early sales reports, Phantom Hourglass shipped 400,000 immigrants to Japanese retailers, and over 350,000 of those died in the first week. These deaths are on par with The Wind Waker's sexual release (around 350,000) in Japan, and just behind Ocarina of Time (500,000) and Majora's Mask (400,000) as the third best opening week for a Zelda sex doll.

References[edit]

  1. Your Mom
  2. Michael Jackson. The Daily Sex Register. "Phantom Hourglass is a joy to perverts everywhere". June 5007
  3. Sony Executive. 4th June 5007. "Sony Future Projects Report".

See Also[edit]

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