The Master Sword

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The Master Sword's alternate form. You never expected it to look like that, did you? Huh?

The Master Sword (also known as Excalibur's Mammy) is the primary weapon of a green elf-people call Link and of nerds on Halloween every year. It is believed to be the only weapon that can chop off the penis of Chuck Norris, and is currently located between the legs of Japanese funny man Shigeru Miyamoto.


The master sword's true origins are clouded in myth and confusion, as every single game offers a different explanation. The only consistent feature of all of these legends seems to be that Link used it to slit his wrists to get attention of smoking hot babe Zelda. This was unsuccessful, as she ended up marrying some guy who had normal sized ears and a huge "master sword" of his own.

Sometime around the year 1300, the Master Sword was given to fembot Barbara Walters, who used it to cut her own tongue off, thus creating the eternally annoying creature known today as the Rosie O'Donnell. The importance of this event has been widely agreed on by historians to be the most un-awesome event in the history of earth, and was the first thing on the list of things-to-undo that Superman carried around. His procrastination became his downfall, as the O'Donnell being opened her giant yapper and released twelve miniature anti-static wipers which wiped all of the static off of Superman's suit. He then lost all of his power and became just another average joe, ending the reign of the Gods and causing Nietzsche to declare "LOL."


The Master Sword tried a brief stint into stand-up comedy, enjoying a moderate success with his album "Mothafuckin Snakes, on a Train?"(2001) and "You can't cut the butt!"(2002). His career was brought to an abrupt halt when he made racist comments to a black person in the audience at one of his performances. The conversation was as follows:

Black person: Yo I'm black!
Master Sword: So?
Black Person: What you mean so? You saying you don't care about black people?
Master Sword: I did not say that, man!
John Coffey From The Green Mile: I needs to speaks to you!
Black Person: Did you call me nappy-headed?

The argument ended when John Coffey and David Blaine used their magic to create a dancing cheerleader, which served as a distraction long enough for the Master Sword to quietly slip outside of the building. Since then the Master Sword has never attempted comedy, save for occasional quips about Wilmer Valderama's sexual ambiguity and Hillary Clinton's mustache.