The Obese Man's Handbook

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I know why you’re reading this. You’re a fat sack of crap yet, because of societal pressures, you feel guilty. Why? Because you, unlike your chubby brethren, do not know how to act fat - how to live fat, and love fat.

The basics[edit]

Stop questioning your food. Just shove it in, don’t question, don’t taste, just eat. You need sustenance not flavor. And we all know food is the major pleasure of life. A woman wants your time and consideration, but Pop Tarts only want to sit in the Toaster for a minute or two. Is the choice not obvious.

Always wanted to fulfill your secret dreams of being with a large breasted individual? Well consider your dreams half fulfilled. Learn how to lose things in your massive body. If the remote is still easy to find you're not eating enough.

Tired of reality and the computer is too far away. Indulge yourself in watching the Bowflex infomercial. See those health nuts waste their lives staying in shape. Never to know the soft feel of a warm Krispy Kreme slipping between their lips. Pity them, they are such Fools!!!

The Round Middle[edit]

If you don't find this indulging, you still need work

Learn how to breathe properly with a full gut. The massive amount of cheetos and nachos that have you've packed away must weigh quite a bit. Is the strain too much to breathe without making a lot of noise?

Learn how to smell bad. At this point showers will only last an hour so what’s the point? Learn how to bitch. Squeal like a pig when you have to use your chubby useless legs.

Have many online personas. You're not sufficiently obese unless you feel pathetic enough to live an alternate real life in the crappy pixelated world.

Where to Go from there?[edit]

Imagine becoming the leader of the fat guys over there. Or try harnessing your pent up bitterness on reality into ultra sarcasm.

May the fat god be with you.

Famous Fat Men Speak[edit]

Dom DeLuise - "I really hate my penis, I have managed to avoid looking at it by eating til my gut hides it."

John Goodman - "I think I'm a great actor, I mean most people believe Dan found Roseanne desirable. Hell I should deserve a f**cking Emmy for that alone "

Chris Farley - "When has overindulging ever hurt anyone?"

Marlon Brando - "I endure because I move so gracefully"

Further Reading[edit]