The One Pirate
“That sure is one big bucket of bolts.”
“Where is my mommy?”
“I pity the fool who gets to fight this guy”
“Pooned beyotch! Checkers is MY HOUSE! HOOAH!”
“Tim da Pirate! GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!! AGHAGAHAGHAGH!”
Deep in the dark lands of Mordor, Harry Potter and his Fantastic 4 guard the ancient prophecies of the pirates (or piratii). The article which follows will explain the most important of those prophecies... The One Pirate.
“One Pirate to rule them all, one Pirate to find them, one Pirate to kill all ninjas or in ropes bind them. Yarr who are we be kiddin'? It be just a robot pirate comin' ta kill all ninjas! Yarr! Rum and booty for da boyz!”
The Pirate Prophecy
“He be of great stature made of steel, yarr! Some call him a Jedi, some call him Cthulu, some call him Yarr Yarr Binks. Beware ninjarr! All your base are belong to us!”
For ages Pirates and Ninjas have been interlocked in a bloody war. Many casualties on both sides yet none will yield to the other. Grim determination and swift conscription keep pirates and ninjas in even numbers and the everlasting furnace of war makes them warriors of steel. Both sides are as immovable as mountains, wherever ninjas lose ground, pirates will lose ground somewhere else. It is the third millennium and there is only war.
It is foretold however the coming of a pirate so awesome, so great and so skilled in the art of talking like a pirate, he will bring about the end of all ninjas and thus end the ancient stalemate. He is The One Pirate.
“Yarrr! Fight Global Warmin' yarr!”
Who is the one pirate? Where does he come from? How does he like his sandwiches? All is written in the ancient and powerful scrolls of the pirates. The Elder scrolls... The pirate seers of old who (with enough rum) could see the future, predicted that this one pirate would come from an age where ships can fly beyond the stars and pistols could fire red lightning. Yes, this pirate would come from the far future still even alien to us.
It says in the scrolls that the One Pirate is a man of steel, armed with a golden hook and a sword that can cut through stone. Several names are attributed to this one pirate, Satan, Oscar Wilde, Chuck Norris, The Terminator and many many more... But one name comes up the most, which is Tim. And he likes his sandwiches as he likes his women, lots of ham, no crust. But we all know he could not stand to the all mighty powerfull, Amanda-Lillian Violet Peterson, who sails the coast of Maine looking for the right ship, who unfortuntally had her eyes poked out and her dogged eaten by the great Jimmy, who disappeared one day and all they found were dog foot prints leading to the Atlantic Ocean.
How will this come to pass?
“Listen' up ye landlubbers! Timmy 'as got a plan!”
The seers were very eager to write down how exactly the ninjas would come to their ends, this is the plan of Tim the Pirate :
- Kill Head Ninja who is known as John Connor
- Take John Connors ring and breed pirates in a great warpit
- Kill all ninjas with massive pirate army and take their booty
Obviously a carefully planned ordeal.
What about the ninjas?
“Ye ninjarr also have a plan, and because yarr be losin' we be writing it down! Yarr! Where's me rum?”
For some obscure reason the pirates have also noted how their plans could be foiled. And how many pirates you need to screw in a lightbulb.
It says you need 3 pirates to screw in a lightbulb. This of coarse has always ended in disaster once the pirates see the shining light bulb and hack it to pieces.
It is said that in order to strip Tim the Pirate lord of his power one young ninja, one susceptible to crying alot, must steal the ring from Tim by cutting off one of his hands. And then with a very fat but loyal friend they shall throw the ring into something very hot. Like a kettle of tea. this shall disturb the cosmic forces guiding Tim the Pirate and foil his plans. And as we all know, if you take something out of foil it will go bad. Hence Tim the Pirate dare not take his plan out of foil.
Facts about Tim the Pirate
“Optimus Prime transform! Autobot transform! Tim the Pirate transform!”
Did you know...
- He can transform into a ship called Megabloks on will?
- He can count to infinity and back? Twice?
- Tim is short for Albert?
- Ninjas are peeing their lightweight pants at the mere thought of Tim the Pirate?
- Tim likes his ships as he likes his beer, yellow and lots of bubbles?
- The only one to have ever beaten Tim at a game of checkers is Stalin ?
- Tim can grant you three wishes if he wants to, but he can also make you walk the plank of Megabloks?
- Tim's tears are made from rum.(Despite being a robot)
More on the weaponry of "The One Pirate"
Obviously it is impossible to destroy a powerful congregation of killers as the ninjas without proper weaponry. Luckily for Tim, the pirates of the future are well trained in the art of developing weapons of mass destruction and other painfull contraptions. Here is a list of what Tim the Pirate can use against his nemesis John Connor the head ninja and his cronies :
Golden Hook of Bitter Mercy
“Yarr, ye be skewed onto the Hook of Bitter Mercy! Yarrs! Many ninjas are be find their deaths and many coats be hanged!”
This baby can pierce steel, rip apart buffalos, gouche out eyes and serve as a coat-hanger to exterminate, maim and kill ninjas or entertain guests at a party.
Sword of Piraty Death
“ You can cut off three heads and still cut a tomato!”
Not much can be said of this deadly blade except that it is made from stainless steel and it can cut through stones, diamonds and Navy ships. Perfect for skinning fish and ninjas alike.
The Queer Eye
“And with great ease shall he be able to identify those who love the same gender. What? Oh garrr! That okay?”
With this handy cybernetic tool Tim the Pirate can spot homosexuals from miles away, for what purpose we do not know. But it looks cool nonetheless.
“Yarr! Metal pole o' sodomizing! Yarr! Ninja booty be walking da plank yarr!”
Female ninjas quake at the mere thought of this weapon of mass destruction. Five kilometres long, weighing 355 kilos and extremely pink.
ATTENTION ALL PIRATES! LET IT BE KNOWN THAT THERE IS NOT ONE, BUT TWO EMILY PIRATES. ALSO WITH THAT THEY ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR PATHETIC EXSISTENCE AND SHOULD BE NOTED NOT TO BE WRECKONED WITH THEY BE EMILY PEARCE AND EMILY LIMEGROVER. BE SURE TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE CUTE BUT FIERCE. LIMEGROVER IS AN ASSASSIN. A DAMN GOOD ONE AT THAT. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.