The Onion

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“I often read that particular periodical and pontificate profusely on the days proceedings while doing so.”

~ OW on The Onion
A recent edition of The Onion.

The Onion is a newspaper noted for its journalistic integrity, published in both The United States and The Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Renowned for its penetrating journalism, it proclaims a harsh honesty policy: should it be discovered that any of its writers or editors has faked or (God forbid) imagined a source, the violator is promptly shipped to the coal mines to toil away their blasphemous sin.
With this said, The Onion is serious fucking business. I mean really serious fucking business. Like so serious that only Mark Wahlberg is allowed to say it because it is that fucking serious.


The Onion started life in the year 4 BC as three untitled sheets of Egyptian papyrus whose hieroglyphics reported the 80's musical preferences preferences of Pharaoh Amun-Ray. Thanks to the notoriety it earned for this exposé, it continued to grow, and by the fourteen-hundreds it had become a largely knitting-centered magazine.

Around 0 AD, The Onion was leading the news world, beating out both Rome Daily News and The Cabbage. It was the first to reveal that the Emperor Augustus had a kitten huffing problem. Unlike most publications of the time, The Onion refused to give into what it called "The Jesus Hype" and gave only minor consideration to his crucifixion in a story called "Roman Troops Crush Crazy Cultist." It is The Onion's only major blunder to date.

During the American stock market crash of the 1930's, a general rise in cynicism made it clear that a new newspaper was needed to cater to the needs of Mr. and Mrs. Common Man and Woman. T. Herman Zweibel saw it his duty to promptly take up his pen of mighty rhetoric and launch his newspaper back into the households of dear America. Thanks to the power of what Zweibel himself described as "Satanic pipe net-works", The Onion expanded into an online newspaper in 2002.

The Onion has recently become known for "not having shit on Uncyclopedia". In response to this claim, The Onion's editors have cited some of Uncyclopedia's shittier articles and called it a day.


The paper's editor-in-chief is Michael Moore, whose editorials frequently praise Republican economic policies, particularly those of former American President George W Bush. Other contributors include Kylie Minogue, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears, as a result of the 'whores-turned-publishers' trend of 1998. These three reporters have been at various times accused of liberal bias; to counter this impression, they have made public donations to the Republican National Committee and Mississippi by flashing their pooners. A Mister Max Reiner is the main publicist, although not much about him is known.

The paper, however, has been criticized by Rush Limbaugh for its "evil capitalist bias."


The paper has had a long standing reputation as the paper of the people and with this responsibility their reports will be exceptionally unbiased, because that's just what the people want. (I want balls on my face) On each front page they highlight the week's weather, which is predicted with the help of satellites, a ping-pong ball, and a picture of Stephen Hawking. Their sports section is the most elite in its class as far as one-page sections go and they are not afraid to use the top margin. Unfortunately, the arts review section is painfully legitimate. chotch

Did you know...the onion is the only vegetable with penii... besides the elusive fig root.

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