The Philippine Empire

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I'm begging you to add some articles that's not made by some schmucks that are pretty much patriotic assholes. If you are looking for better read, see Philippines or Pilipinas. The Philippines redirects here.

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Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.


But be a mother fucker! DO IT!!!




 Republic of the Philippines
Republika ng Pilipinas
Imperial Standard: Imperial Standard3.png Galactic Imperial Flag: Philippine Empire.PNG
The Philippines as illustrated by some faggots who did the Philippine article earlier (ca. 2100-2170):
800px-LocationAsia.PNG
Imperial Seal: PhilippineEmpire Seal.PNG
National Anthems : "Para Sa Yo Ang Laban Na Toh!" (sung by Manny Pacquiao)
Motto : "Bahala na!"
Capital Manila
Largest Cities Corner of the Pasig river.
Government Democratic Communism
Religions Roman Catholicism, Homosexuality, Islam, Racism
Languages Tagalog, Bisaya, Ilokano, Salitang Bading or Speech commonly used by gay.
Famous Landmarks Some huge retarded mall (Mall of Asia), Jollibee, Starbucks.
Ethnic Groups Tagalogs, Cebuanos, Ilocanos, Tondo Boys, Bakla or Gay people, Imperial Philippine Defence Force.
Population OVER 9000000000000 LESS THAN 10000
Time Zone I DON'T CARE SO WHY SHOULD YOU

“Oh, no, I should have never returned!”

~ Douglas MacCarthur

“Oh my god. I'm... Ok. I'm so sorry. I... I told you that I'm so confident. Eto, umm, wait... Hahahaha! Umm, sorry guys because this was really my pirst pageant ever”

~ Janina San Miguel

“I. Am. Sorry.”

~ Gloria Macapagal Arroyo on "Hello Garci" scandal speech

“The women are whores, the men are thieves.”

“Tao lang po, hindi po ako igorot”

~ Candy Pangilinan

“Maghidden shoulders ka!”

The Philippine Island, previously called The Philippines consists of 7,107 islands and more to add if they're lucky enough to include Spratly Island, which are just as small as those islands from Micronesia. It is silly to think that a group of islands that could only hold like 50 persons per island is being fought between some member of ASEAN and China, whereas it would be predicted that the cause of this conflict would result to World War III.

Early Chinese dynasty was established in the upper portion of the Philippines, called 呂宋 (Rūzon). The Chinese characters are 呂宋國, or Lǚsòng Guó, where it would be named after the largest island of the Philippines, Luzon. These group of Chinese arrived at the Philippines about 1100s, but the so-called left-wing bastards who called themselves "experts" had got the key (and the bullies who called the Philippines shit). (Note: "Tanga" is the Philippine word for "experts".) Not only until many people started calling the Philippines a "shit-ass" country did they started to hate everyone who said that.

The History[edit]

The Empire started during the early stages of the Philippine civil War. The word Philippines came from Phillips' Penis (titi ni Pelipe) that was derived from Phillip the III, one who actually discovered it and his faithful companion, his Penis, the Almighty Legend. While Phillip, hardly able to spell out any words concisely, spelled the word penis to "pines", some historian believed that how the way he said is what he wrote, similar to the spelling knowledge of the Filipinos; therefore, Philippines was the name of the newborn vassal of Spain, and later, independent country.

During the late 19th century, the Spaniards handed over the Philippines including Guam and Puerto Rico to the Americans for losing a war. The treaty was held to cease the war, this treaty is known as "Treaty of Paris", and it would later be aired on a local Philippine station known as "Lovers in Paris" where the first version is aired in Korean to dedicate the history about the Korean War and later, its own version.

When Americans governed the Philippines, they did nothing but to harass every Malayan women in the Philippines sexually due to the fact that they can't control their hormone even in a slight second. Later, USA would offer President Manuel L. Quezon the opportunity for Philippines to become a part of state of the US, but Quezon, being a smart and intelligible president, declined the offer, because if he had, shit would happen like eradicate every Filipinos living on the island like what they did to the Native Americans and to the Hawaiians... thank god Einstein wasn't in America yet otherwise the Philippines is a fallout!

The largest city in the southern part of Philippines, General Santos City. It only became popular because the so-called "Hero", Manny Pacquiao, who won some pointless bout against several Mexicans, resides within the city.
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Philippine Empire.
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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about The Philippine Empire.
A revolutionary method called "People Power" shown at the picture. As you can see, a protester argues with a tank mano-a-mano.

After Commonwealth[edit]

The Banana Republic began after the country suffered from Manga attacks and Boob bombings of the Japanese Plastic Prostitutes in World War II. 20 years the people enjoyed eating bananas and eventually evolved into apes thus came the new age; Planet of the Apes The Ape Republic inaugurated their first ever Dicktator; Ferdinand Marcos. Within his reign, revolutions, martial law, assassinations and corruptions were the things he contributed to the Philippines until he died of lupus. Nowadays, many Filipino think of him as a great president because he ruled the Philippines with such barbaric methods and iron-fisted because at that time, the economy of the Philippines was at its peak, yet it was also in his administration that Philippines became a hellhole and stealing more than a million dollar caused haywire on the Philippine economy.

Modern Era[edit]

The Philippines dropped from being one of the richest countries in the world to one of the developing countries, almost with par to Cambodia and East Timor.

The Aquino family boycotted the People Power revolution that would become an event that would be phenomenal worldwide. Filipinos gathered within an avenue that would be lated known as the EDSA Revolution, where they protested against the Marcos regime. This was one of the most significant events in the Philippines since it caused traffic jams all over the city of Manila, Quezon, Makati, Caloocan, and other areas, where they had waited OVER 5 hours that almost bore the shit out of them, most of the people interviewed did not know why such an occasion exist, but they knew that they would be given free food if they came, which disappointingly, didn't happen.

It is funny to think that within the Aquino administration, full of mishaps were unexpected, like the earthquake that killed hundreds of people and the explosion of Mt. Pinatubo. Researchers conducted that Aquino was not only empowered with political rights, but also the ability to control nature; therefore, most Filipinos labeled her as a corrupt and ruthless president for having the most resident killed in the history of the Philippines.

After the Aquino administration, there were two monkeys that were god awful to govern the Philippines - Ramos and Estrada. It should be questioned that after the administration of Ramos, their riches were like gazillion times many as compared to the president's wage. It is unknown where they get their money yet the logic of calling them great person in the Philippines is like calling your turd "Best shit made ever!"

Present[edit]

In 2001, a opportunist family with a dwarven bloodline from Pampanga called the Arroyo Administration ruled the Philippines for almost a decade which would end in 2010. Their achievements are so significant that most of the people loved their administration because within her administration, Manila became the capital of murder, and Philippines became one of the most dangerous countries for journalism due to the recent Maguindanao mass murder incident. She is well-known for her actions within the administration, whereas it opposes Ninoy Aquino's famous quote - "A Filipino is worth dying for..

List of the Presidents of the Philippines[edit]

  • Emilio Aguinaldo
  • Manuel L. Quezon
  • Jose P. Laurel
  • Sergio Osmenia
  • Manuel Roxas
  • Elpidio Quirino
  • Ramón Magsaysay
  • Carlos P. Garcia
  • Diosdado Macapagal
  • Ferdinand "Yamashita" Marcos
  • Corazón Aquino
  • Fidel V. Ramos
  • Joseph Ejercito Estrada
  • Gloria Macapagal Arroyo

Government[edit]

Apparently, the government of the Filipino Empire is way more like Ferdinand Marco's Martial Law government, except that the monarch has an IQ three times higher than that of George W. Bush (who is a massive retard, plus there is a Communist shithole issue in the government). There are two parliament sections in the government, located in the appropriately named Imperial Congress Building. These are the Lower House (the House of the Inferior or the House of Representatives) and the Upper House (House of the Superior or the House of Lords). The Monarch is the Head of Government, while the President is the Head of State. The Monarch lives in the Malacañang Palace, which is converted from a place of residence for the President of the Republic of the Philippines to an actual palace for the Royal Family of the Philippines. As time went by, the monarchs' intelligence started to decline from ultra-smartarses (IQ 186 in 2035) to just plain retards (IQ 68 in 2185). Even the presidents were glad to kiss their sorry arses goodbye. The Last Emperor was a total retard and fucked the whole Empire up by losing everything in Wowoweee! Not to mention that he was a rebel. Ano? Totoo ba 'yan? Aminin!

Language and People[edit]

The common buildings in the Philippines known as "Bahay Kubo"

The Philippines is made up of different ethnic tribes. The most recent group of people are known as the bakla or gay people, which in the Capital Region, are dominated by almost 20% of their kind. While they have no ability to reproduce, it is believed that they hold some kind of disease known to infect only male. If symptoms persist, get away from us!

The cult of the "pok pok" girls, known to the western world as the infamous philippines street walkers a.k.a "white husband stealers" form approximately 70% of the female filipina population, with 80% living in the National Capital Region. These girls are believed to learn the arts of stealing-white-husbands-from-white-women voodoo and white men seduction from a very young age, and is usually put into practice upon reaching puberty. A common warning regarding this cult is often spread amongst expat (mostly white) women living in Manila, with it usually being something along the lines of: "Watch your maid and your husband, cos if you don't, the little bitch is gonna replace you in no time".

The gap between the rich and the poor is ridiculous in the philippines. The rich (chinese-Filipino's and spanish-Filipino's) own EVERYTHING INCLUDING YOUR ASS, while the poor are sadly stuck being owned forever by these people. When out and about in Manila, these are some clear distinctions between the rich, the almost rich wannabe's, and the poor Filipino's, for example:

  • The Rich carry real designer handbags usually Hermes or Balenciaga; wannabe's wear excellent fake's (usually Chanel or Gucci); and the poor have clearly fake Louis Vuittons and YSL's.
  • The Rich usually attempt to look more "white" through subtle eye-enlarging and nosebridge-constructing plastic surgery; the wannabe's dye their hair light brown or blondish and wear shit loads of makeup in an attempt to look less asian; and the poor spend their entire salaries on skin whitening products (which don't really work) and talcum powder to appear more "white".
  • The Rich dress in visibly expensive dresses and expensive high heels; the wannabe's wear tacky/cheap looking clothes despite them being branded items; the poor all wear skinny jeans, fake lacoste polo's and hawaiian (not havaiana) flipflops.
  • The Rich usually have polished accents when speaking english; the wannabe's attempt to sound american but usually come off as plain fake; and the poor have strong accents and tend to "sawnd lyk dis".
  • The Rich are usually bilingual as they speak Tagalog, English and sometimes another language (mainly chinese, korean or spanish); the wannabe's believe they are "American", hence they only speak english and claim they don't speak Tagalog, when in fact they do but feel ashamed about it; the poor speak Tagalog, and usually a very distorted form of English.

Filipino's also like to claim they have other ethnicities even if obvious that it is pure bullshit. Many love to claim that they are of Spanish and American decent, when in reality 95% of them are in no way descendants of any Spanish or American person. If for some reason they do happen to be mixed with another ethnicity (such as Chinese, Korean, Spanish etc.) then it will be clearly visible in their physical features; so don't be fooled next time a very Filipino-looking Filipino tells you they are "part Spanish" or "a little American".

Usefull words and phrases:[edit]

Kumusta
Hai!
Excuse me
Padaan po!
Hello
Elow po!
Visitors
Bwisita!
Are you going down?
Bababa ba?
I'm here!
D2 na me! Wer na u?
I will do it a year from now.
Next time na lang!
You will never see your money again.
Wala sakin pera mo!
How are you?
Ok ka lang?
Make yourself at home
Mahiya ka naman, hindi mo to bahay!
Don't be shy
Wag kang mahiya!, Mga Walang Hiya Kayo!
I love you!
Mahal kita, A Lab Yu, 14344
Wish you luck
Tsambahin ka sana!
I don't care about you
La ko pake sayo.
Homosexual
Bakla, bading, baklush, bayot, bajot, pare, Churva, Echos, Bru
Tomboy
Tibo, Tibs, Madre,
Sex
Kount-2-10
Toothpaste
Kolgeyt, Klos Ap, Hapi
Idiot
Tanga!, Bobo!
The Rock
Pagkain ng baka
The Moo
Pagkain ulit ng baka
The Yummy
Isa pang pagkain ng baka
The Gah
Hindi na pagkain ng baka
The Meat
Su-o-10

Economy[edit]

The Empire's economy is GREAT! It ranges from snake oil from the jungle to Toyotas from Japan. The Empire also manages to create their own products such as the jeepney1k(the best-selling vehicle in the Empire) and Bob Dole. Plus, their movies are like India's with the babbling, the music and all the crap. They are so rich that they can go and kick America's arse anytime! The capital, Manila, is full of tall skyscrapers that streches as far as the eyes could see. Our economy minister is Dr. Phil (from 2033-2102), who had attacked Spain with a nuclear bomb in order to make room for a parking lot for the MS Mall of t3h w0rld

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There is an alternate version of this article at Philippines.

Products[edit]

Philippines is well-known for exporting bananas, maids, mail-a-brides, coffee/kapeng barako/Barack Obama and nurses. It was once a chief export of rice, until the Marcos administration took over. Production had slow down due to the crony and corruption and the execution of the project where Philippines would be powered by a nuclear power plant, which was later abandoned due to the fact that it would harm the surrounding wildlife but not the people. Philippines is also well-known for exporting beaten foreigners. One of the famous exported beaten foreigners are The Beatles under the Marcos regime for being more popular than Jesus Christ.

Recently, the productions under the later regime of Corazon Aquino has been systematically poor and therefore, had to rely on the products made in China.

Terrorism[edit]

The terrorist band Abu Sayyaf still operates on the jungles. They make songs about shit and realeased their latest album "Kidnappin'"

Transportation[edit]

A common transportation in the Philippines named after the great hero, "Ryrurorari"

The common transports in the Philippines are the jeepneys, bus, taxis, and the karatilla. It should be noted that in the Philippines, there are no such thing as traffic enforcers or stoplights. While most Filipinos are technically knowledgeable on using computers, they are unable to decipher the basic logic of having a stoplight on the corner. Researchers believed that almost 95% of Filipinos are unable to look for the pedestrian walk, because of this, it has been a common culture to cross a road with speeding cars even if the law forbids them to do so.

During weekdays, the fare of student and the senior citizens are discounted; however, this does not apply during holidays or weekends. Jeepney drivers or bus drivers don't give a fuck in order for them to gain instant cash, even if you say "I am a student" while showing your identity card, they'll either say "There's no student during weekends" or give you an evil eye like you owe him something that you don't even know.

The man-powered vehicles for transportation known as side car or pedicab is a common sight in the Philippines. Pedicabs are nature-friendly transports that is only powered by a man in a bicycle, but it is recommended to take jeep instead of pedicabs since pedicabs travelling less than 50 meters away costs more than a jeep travelling a kilometer away. In logic, pedicabs are recommended for dumbfucks who doesn't even get how the society works, or if you just want to increase your buttocks while refraining to exercise your legs a little bit, this is highly recommended while the drivers scammed the shit out of your money.

A typical rush hour in Unggoy. Note the complexity of the highways built by the Filipino Empire, but with simple signs such as these.
A typical sight in the Philippines. Buses are infamous for having accidents for over a decade especially in EDSA and Makati.

Millitary Force[edit]

Imperial Philippine Defence Force

Enemies[edit]

tha patakla empirte led by tae eta bo. The empire fought against rebels during it's Golden Age. Led by Nah Olos and Dr. Phil, they invaded the capital. But Empress Imelda 2.5 came to the rescue by blowing up the Millennium Eagle where the rebel leaders hid with her all-powerful mega eye rays! They also fought against the super awesome Mongols, but they were defeated so many times that they gave up and made a peace treaty where half of their Japanese maids go to the great Khan.


References[edit]

1. Your mom lol. 2. Annoying, complex-ridden Philippino's. < [ It's Filipinos not Philippino's, idiot. Learn how to spell before giving off your racist attitude. ] 3. People who have lived there before.


External Links[edit]

Official

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