The Rapture

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Bumper sticker of The Faithful
Bumper sticker of the entrepreneurial damned

The Rapture is a remarkable business opportunity for heathens, atheists, Ehteists, secular humanists and other entrepreneurs to make a fast buck off of The Faithful, who believe that they will be taken bodily into heaven at the beginning of the end of the world.

This belief is, of course, a fairy tale, as every rational person knows that the end will come when the Japanese bring back a piece of an asteroid in 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011, thereby causing unspeakable pestilence and the previously unknown virii which killed the rest of the planets will render the citizens of earth as extinct as doubt that O.J. did it, and TAB cola. However, until the true end comes, belief in The Rapture provides amazing ways for nonbelievers to capitalize on the misguided beliefs of The Faithful.

Early-warning Detection Systems[edit]

:We interrupt this article for a message from your Lord and Savior (or else!) Jesus Christ:

:Hey guys, I thought I'll let you guys know that the Rapture just happened. If you are still here...
:well, you better prepare yourself for an eternity in hell, lol. 

                                                With love,

                                                Jesus "Flash Gordon" Christ
During the Rapture, seconds count. Give yourself the peace of mind that you can only get from Raptu-lert!

There are several systems on the market that claim to provide a 30-second to 2-minute warning of impending Rapture. The most popular of these is the Raptu-lert (pictured), which also has a battery backup and 3-year warranty (although actual Rapture-protection is not guaranteed).

The Raptu-lert has three modes that determine which type of alarm will sound, in case of Rapture:

  • Tone - A very loud, obnoxious bleeping sound.
  • Voice - A voice (probably Jesus, however the manual doesn't specify) shouting "Repent! Repent!"
  • Radio - The nearest Christian radio station.

Rumor has it that the original alarm featured Jesus announcing "I'm coming! I'm coming! Oh, God! I'm coming!" but since the manufacturer has denied it and the first batch of Raptu-lerts were recalled to the factory (supposedly for a minor defect in the test button), there's no way to confirm this.

Following the huge success of the Raptu-lert, the manufacturer has announced plans to produce a smaller, portable version, which can be carried as a key-chain, and is expected to be available during the first quarter of 2008 (barring imminent Rapture prior to the release date).

Providing post-Rapture services[edit]

Nonbelievers who wish to make money fast off of The Rapture need only enter into contractual business relations with The Faithful to provide services for the newly-ascended after The Rapture has occurred. These services can only be provided by the damned, as anyone who actually believes in the Rapture will not be around afterwards to perform them.

Services may include:

  • Apocalyptic pet sitting (As animals do not have souls, and will not ascend with their masters)
  • End Times automobile towing, for vehicles left abandoned on the road
  • Tribulation homeowner's insurance, in case The Faithful's homes are destroyed by the Anti-Christ
  • Millennial Tax Service, should The Rapture occur before April 15


Money should be obtained from The Faithful before The Rapture occurs, as it will be impossible to collect on debts after they have ascended.

The beauty of nonbelievers capitalizing on The Rapture is that all money is paid up front, and that you don't actually have to provide services until after The Rapture happens, which you don't believe is going to happen anyway, so you'll be sitting on easy street.

But what if The Rapture actually happens?[edit]

Some nonbelieving entrepreneurs have expressed concerns that their beliefs might possibly be wrong, and after they have taken the money, The Rapture actually happens. Then they would be contractually obligated to actually perform the services!

Not to worry. If, by some Act of God, The Rapture actually does occur, the people who hired you to provide services won't be around to sue you for breach of contract. And even though not providing services would constitute fraud -- which is a sin that guarantees being sent to hell -- it is a moot point, since everyone left after The Rapture are damned anyway. What's one more sin among friends?

Besides, as the world will be going to hell in a handbasket at the end, fulfilling your contractual obligations will be the last thing on your mind. So Relax, and enjoy the immense profit potential that The Rapture provides!

Beliefs in the Rapture[edit]

Though most God-fearing Christians believe that only the righteous will be taken away, one sect, the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent, believes God to be a klutz, and that He will actually take the unrighteous by accident. Such heathens will be left behind come the Rapture. O! Glorious Day!

Is this just a load of shit?[edit]

No, it's a garbage truck full of shit. Not just a load. If it were to be true, then it would be the greatest thing God did to the atheists. AMEN!

Is it more?[edit]

The Rapture is really just a plot of The Ori. Has Stargate SG-1 taught us NOTHING? Hallowed is The Teal'c. Or at least Hammond of Texas, now one with the Ancients.

External links[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Rapture.

See also[edit]